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What do you get when you mix a dominatrix with a gladiator? Apparently, Brooke Burke on Tuesday night’s performance episode of Rockstar: Supernova. Always charming (if a bit bland) Brooke starts off the show with a bang, pointing out that the drum kit looks a little different tonight. It is indeed different – if by different you mean covered with fur. (Relax, Pamela: Tommy Lee would rather perform naked than use real fur on his kit. Actually, he would just rather perform naked.) Tommy confirms that he is the featured Supernovite on the roster this week, and will be joining in on “Higher Ground”. If by ‘joining in’, you mean ‘completely hogging the spotlight.’ Ahem.

Breaking News: Tommy Lee is an Attention Whore
We get a look at the rockers choosing their songs for this week, and after brief flirt by Josh, “Higher Ground” is claimed by… Damn. What the heck is that boring chick’s name again? Ah yes: Patrice. Without any further ado, Patrice takes the stage with Tommy, and I’m torn between watching Tommy Lee’s antics at the drums and Patrice’s crazy hairdo. It’s like Prom Hair, only edgier...and not as cute. But back to the *yawn* performance. Patrice has opted to go with the Chili Pepper version of “Higher Ground”, but between the overkill of effects on her vocals, and Tommy Lee showboating center stage, I’m just under whelmed with her. Wait, did I mention her hair? And that Tommy Lee totally stole the show? Next! She gets pretty good reviews from the Supernovae, somehow. I was hoping that Dave would have harsher words for her, being a former Pepper himself, but alas and alack, he must have been distracted by the random statue he was fondling at the time. He did go so far as to say that a large portion of the rockers would disappear on the stage with the likes of Supernova behind them, which I think is quite true. Tommy admitted that he was so involved in his own performance that he couldn’t tell how she did, so he asks his peeps in the audience to rate her performance with applause. I don’t know, it sounded kind of lackluster to me.

Not Bringing Sexy Back
Josh, who made an excellent decision by deciding NOT to take the stage with Tommy this week, is up next with “Santeria” by Sublime. Brooke introduces it as a “reggae/hip hop” song, and boy is she ever right. I can’t help but wonder what Supernova has up their sleeves based on the song selections each week. But somehow I doubt they are working on a hot new reggae/hip hop track. Eh, we’ll see, I guess. Josh does a fine job of not annoying me (too much) this week, with his excellent karaoke version of the song. No ‘Boy Band Fingers’ as far as the eye can see! But then again – what the heck is up with the reggae/hip-hop on “Rockstar”?! It was entertaining and different, and sure he’s talented, but I don’t think this is gonna seal the deal for Josh. I must admit I got a good laugh when he got to my favorite part of the song, which goes: “Believe me when I say that I got somethin for his punk ass!” It just sounded so wrong for Josh. I’d rather hear him threaten someone with, like, a dance-off or something. What did the judges have to say about Josh? Well, they played a nice game of avoiding the pink elephant in the room. Tommy Lee said he just wished he was on a beach with a drink in his hand instead of counting the weeks until Josh goes home, and Jason said that he was impressed that Josh stayed true to himself by not losing the David Silver earring and necklace set. Bling!

Okay, I admit it, I’m starting to be less scared of Dilana as I get to know her better. Looking like Pinky Tuscadero from the future (aka Mecha-Tuscadero™), she takes the stage to bring us Bad Company’s “Can’t Get Enough”. Actually, Brooke didn’t mention the band in her introduction, and for a moment I wondered if Dilana was going to “Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode. I wouldn’t be horribly surprised after her Cyndi Lauper homage last week. I probably don’t have to tell you that I’m not familiar with this particular ditty, but I think it’s fair to say she did a good job of it. Most impressive, Dilana storms the audience and then climbs onto the stage with the Supernovarenos, and then mounts a random guy, who gives her a shoulder-ride back to the main stage. All without missing a beat. Bravo, Dilana, bravo. You just totally trumped Storm’s puny little stage dive from last week. Gilby deems her performance as “genius”, and Dave wonders if she is wearing his pants.

Random Acts of Audience Fondling
Toby is next on stage, performing another song I am unfamiliar with: Nirvana’s Pennyroyal Tea.” Hey, at least they’re changing up the non-stop Nirvana play list, right? So, what about this Toby guy, eh? He’s good-looking, I guess. He’s got that cute Aussie accent. He’s a decent vocalist. I don’t know, maybe it’s not fair to compare him to my favorite little elf from last year, but Toby is no Mig. The best part of his performance was him singing the last line while clutching an unsuspecting (and fiercely blushing) girl in the audience. Did he plan that, or was it a desperate attempt to overcome the antics of Dilana? Dave says that his maneuver was a bit anti-climactic after watching Dilana, but Jason disagrees and says that he loved that Toby “let the audience in.”

Hey…Homoeroticism Really Suits You
If there is one thing that you can truly count on in this crazy world, it’s that Zayra will do her best to be a freak on stage every week somewhere between 8 and 9 o’clock Eastern Standard Time. That’s right, Clearance-Tag Björk is up next, and her song selection is Tommy Tutone’s classic “867-5309 (Jenny).” Wearing a leopard-print unitard/bathing suit, with a red cape and gold elbow-length gloves, she looks better suited to compete on “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?” The biggest thing she has going for her tonight is the lesbian undertones of singing to Jenny about a ‘good time,’ and she really milks it, crawling around the stage and crooning to the female audience members. The camera keeps cutting over to see the reactions of the Supernovarama guys, and at one point Jason is flailing around as if it hurts too good to take another moment of this. I’m not going to apologize for my inadequate recap of Zayra’s performance, because when it’s time for comments Dave is so speechless that he asks for a commercial break. After a six-minute time out, he still can’t come up with much feedback, beyond that she gives them “something to look forward to every week.” Gilby says her vocals were “off” but that they want to keep her around just to see what she’ll do next.

A Magnanimous Offer
Earlier on in the show, we got to see a clip of Magni watching a video greeting from his wife and child who are far, far away in Iceland. It seems that Magni’s son took his first steps and the video was the only way for him to experience the moment while he is off in America trying to win this thing. He is up next on stage, bringing us “Clocks” from Coldplay. Again, props for mixing up the play list this season, but I’m still finding the song choices curious. Magni does a nice job on an excellent tune, and I have to take a moment to point out that the house band is so kick-ass that I hope the next season of Rock Star is a search for a singer to front THEM. I’d totally buy that CD. I also have to say that if Gwyneth’s was looking for a man with a perfect falsetto, she done real good, because Magni tries but just can’t match Chris Martin in that area. The Supernov’s are proud of Magni, and Tommy Lee asks him how he feels about missing his child’s first steps. Magni replies that it must prove that he really wants to win this, as he would be back home in a heartbeat otherwise. Tommy and the Boys have decided to do something very nice for Magni and chip in to fly Magni’s family to America for a visit. Methinks they plan on keeping Magni around for a while. Either that, or Tommy just wants to impress his own sons, who happen to be in the audience tonight (while Pamela is off shooting her newest movie: “Pamela and The Kid on Honeymoon.”)

Little Jill Goia completely lost me when she blatantly ripped off Courtney Love a few weeks back, and I think she sealed her own fate tonight with her ghastly performance of The Simple Minds’ “Don’t You Forget About Me.” Wait – huh? I swear, I just don’t get the thought process behind these song choices! I hear next week we can look forward to Josh singing “I Just Called to Say (I Love You)” and Toby singing “Boot Scooting Boogie.” *sigh* So Jill has made a recent trip to Le Salon, as she has had hair extensions put in that would make Paris Hilton jealous, and she swings her long locks to and fro while singing SCREAMING out her song. Somebody must have told her it was Bad Stadium Rock Night on Rockstar, and she wasn’t cutting any corners. Truly, it was horrible. I was almost going to give her credit for her unique interpretation of the song, but I changed my mind because there is ‘good’ different and then there is ‘oh HELL no!” different and I just can’t enable that kind of behavior. Dave smashes Jill’s hopes and dreams when he tells her that in every concert there is a moment when you have to get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink, and that her performance would be that moment and that she “was really not that good.” I’m calling that an understatement. It was PAINFUL.

Déjà vu All Over Again
OK, I hate to keep bringing up Mig, but remember when he accompanied himself on piano and won the hearts of women across the world? Well, Ryan Star must have been paying attention, because that is exactly what he decides to do with “Losing My Religion” by REM. At first, I was shaking my head that he didn’t have a chance of pulling it off, but he managed to do it very well indeed. He changed up a very familiar tune and made it his own without making any REM fans (me) angry. That’s two points he scored with me tonight, the first being when we saw him calling Patrice a bitch back in the mansion after she jumped on his case for no good reason. Not that I’m a big fan of calling women bitches, but she really asked for it. I would have also accepted asshat, tool, or %#&$*! The Supers raved about Ryan’s performance, calling it “phenomenal” and “beautiful.” Tommy Lee goes so far as to say that he can count on getting laid after that.

I’m Pissed at the Universe (So I Turn My Back to It)
Lukas is going to cross the gender lines tonight and sing a song from Hole: “Celebrity Skin.” I tend to like Lukas more than I hate him, but tonight I just couldn’t bring myself to feel anything larger than profound apathy. Even his 80’s synth-pop shiny red brocade jacket was uninteresting to me. He spent the largest part of his performance seemingly singing to the drummer. Maybe he’s near sighted and thought Tommy was still on drums? Who knows, but I think we can all agree it was off-putting and boring to watch his back the whole time. I do like the way his blonde stripe goes across the back of his head on a diagonal line, though…. Clearly, Supernova is disappointed with Lucas tonight, and mentions that he has “credit” with them for his past performances but that this was the worst he’s done so far. Lukas fesses up that he had issues with the song and he got caught hating the whole gig. He says he has learned from the experience, and I wonder if this means he will be fighting a bit harder for his song selection next week.

Celine Dion Called, and She Wants Her Pantsuit Back
In my last recap, I promised I wouldn’t try out any more of those lame “storm” jokes, but I’m really struggling with that. I guess I’ll just leave it up to Dave and company to make asses of themselves while I take the high road. Tonight, Storm has decided to sing the classic David Bowie song “Changes” and takes to the stage in a very subdued black suit and jacket and straight-ironed hair. It is a nice change for Storm, and it doesn’t look like she plans on making any leaps off of the stage tonight like the rest of the lemmings. Instead, she plants herself front and center, and just does a darn good job with the vocals. Dave congratulates her on a superb job and likes that they got to see a different Storm, one that is not “possessed by the music.” I agree wholeheartedly; I’m liking this one more every week. And there you have it – I made it through this entire paragraph without saying “the calm before the storm.” Oh… sorry.

Teenage Wasteland
Our final performance tonight comes from wee Dana, who I suspect has a naughty streak in her that runs deep. She is going to sing “Baba O’Riley” by The Who. She does a good job of it, too, even if the song is a bit bigger than her. She looks appropriately grungy and snarly and I think she’s probably secured herself for next week. Dave reads my mind when he says that he was concerned that her song selection was a bit too ambitious for her, but that she sang it really well. Gilby says that “Baba O’Riley” is a song about rebellion and asks Dana if she is ready to rebel. Dana provides the laugh of the night when she replies: “Hell yeah! I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow!” Oh… is that all it takes?

The Initial Bottom Three
After a quick commercial break, Brooke returns to tell us that the early voting results are showing Zayra, Toby and Jill at the bottom of the heap. So far this year, the voters are getting it right. Stay tuned for the results show airing tonight and find out who the Hatchet Man whacks out of the competition - my money is on Jill. And don’t worry if you miss the show, as Mantenna is on deck to recap the results show, and it’s his tradition to recap as fast as lightening so you won’t have a long wait.