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Welcome to Last Comic Standing! Did you miss it last week while you were grilling, getting bitten by mosquitoes and burning your fingers on sparklers? Me too! Tonight Anthony informs us that the stakes are higher than ever. Two comics will be going home, and the lucky five remaining have made it through to the Finals, where America will choose the Last Comic Standing.

What? I must have misunderstood… I thought we were already watching the Finals. Stop trying to confuse me, NBC!

The comics welcome Michelle and Chris back to the boat with lots of cheers and hugs, and only a little bit of insincerity. Gabriel apologizes to Michelle for ever doubting her, and Michelle replies that she’s just going to stay packed, because that’s easier than schlepping all her stuff back and forth every night.

And what’s this? The never-before-seen house phone. Apparently, each comic is allowed one personal phone call every other day, which Chris Porter thinks is a prison rule. Hmmm… it’s weird that they’re burning so much footage on the phone situation. I wonder why? Hopefully they’ll clarify later in the episode.

To roast is divine.
Anthony joins the comics on the Queen Mary, and informs them that tonight they will be roasting one of their own at the Friars of Beverly Hills. The roastee and the roasters are all eligible to win the competition, but tonight there is no immunity for the winner. Anthony doesn’t tell them what the victor wins, but I assume it’s more than self satisfaction. At least I hope so. To choose the roastee, each comic will drop a cigar in the box containing the name of the comic they’d like to roast. And no, that wasn’t a dirty joke or euphemism of any kind… they’re really dropping a cigar in a box to choose the victim.

The votes are tallied, and Gabriel is our big winner, get it, “big?” He’s so excited about this honor, because he loves roasts... pot roasts, roasted chicken, any type of food, really.

The comics spend the day writing their material. Josh asks the important question: “Who doesn’t love a fat joke,” and the comics bounce their material off each other, which may not be the best strategy in a competition. But, what do I know? I’m not a comedian; I just recap a reality competition show for comedians.

Roasting an overweight man leads to very predictable jokes.
Here we are at the Friars of Beverly Hills, where Hugh Hefner was roasted, and Aaron Spelling received a Lifetime Achievement Award. Wow- he must have been an incredible roaster! Anthony introduces our Roastmaster, Jim Norton, (who is no stranger to LCS), and Jim introduces us to the Judges, the legendary Phyllis Diller, the annoying Gilbert Gottfried, and the quasi-well known Alonzo Bodden. Without further adieu, the comics get to the business of roasting Gabriel.

Josh Blue feels weird roasting Gabriel, because it’s like roasting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Except smaller. He tells Gabe “you are what you eat… that poor Vietnamese family.” Finally, he asks Gabriel if he got a lot for his tusks. The audience cheers a lot for Josh, and we see footage of all of the other comics laughing uproariously at him, so it seems like he was a success.

Rebecca Corry would have to be an idiot not to notice how fat Gabriel is. And to be seen in the ridiculous clothes she always wears. She tells the audience that Gabriel was a preemie, and came out two weeks early… because he was hungry. Rebecca then moves on to Kristin, commenting that she’s really skinny, but just because she has to look at herself naked in the mirror every day, which causes her to throw up. And lose weight.

Ty Barnett thinks the only thing shorter than Rebecca Corry is her chance at longevity in the comic industry. Oh, wait- that’s what I think. I apologize, let me start over. Ty Barnett thinks the only thing shorter than Rebecca Corry is Gabriel’s options as an athlete, or Josh Blue’s options as a sniper. Ooh, zing! I think mine was better.

Michelle doesn’t get much air time, so I don’t know if her material was good, or bad, or mediocre…she comments that Gabriel didn’t want to be roasted, he wanted to be fried. And, it’s good for him that he was born in the US, because she can’t see him climbing the fence to get from Mexico to the US.

Anyone tired of fat jokes yet? Anyone?

Kristin was jealous when she first met Gabriel, because he’s a fairly successful comic, and she’s just starting out and trying to get her foot in the door. But then she realized that Gabriel can’t even fit through the f***in’ door! *crickets and a very long, very uncomfortable silence. Kristin likes that Gabriel doesn’t fit into the Mexican stereotypes- he’s not too lazy to steal, as long as it’s food off of anybody’s plate. Wow, complete silence from the audience, and stony faces from the Judges. My guess is that Kristin Key is not walking away with this competition tonight.

Roz tells the audience that she and Gabriel went to McDonalds together, and Gabriel’s order sounded like a phone number. She then spews a lot of expletives that get beeped out, and ends by saying “… and a Pepsi truck, bitch, ‘cuz I’m thirsty.”

Up last is Chris Porter, and he begins by saying that Jim Norton is a good guy, and he actually lives in his neighborhood- he knows this because the judge ordered Jim go around and tell everyone. He read about Phyllis in an encyclopedia, and tells us that if we don’t know Kristin Key yet, we will, because she is going to make a name for herself as the poor man’s Ellen Degeneres. He turns his talent to Gabriel, joking that we know Gabriel as the rock that chased Indiana Jones. Some people think he’s nothing but a fat, ugly piece of s**t, and while this is true, no one will be able to stop Gabriel. He will survive, for at least another three years. He’s the only comic that can be seen from space, and Chris thinks he’s cute, although he’s into big d**ks, and he’s honored to call Gabriel his friend. And my brain hurts from stringing all of that together.

What say you, Gabriel?
It’s Gabriel’s turn for rebuttal, and rebut, he does. He says it’s nice to be among so many great comedians, or as he refers to them, “runners up.” Ty is NBC’s first metrosexual black man, and just a few tequila shots away from redecorating Gabe’s living room. Kristin Key told Gabriel that if she made it this far, she would quit her job. Well Kristin, you’ve made it this far, so now you can start banging midget for free, and Rebecca Corry couldn’t be happier! Josh is proof that Cerebral Palsy can really f**k you up, and Roz has taken comedy to a new level… it’s just too bad she can’t make it up the stairs to reach it. And that’s about it for Gabriel.

What say you, Judges?
Alonzo’s critique is up first, and he starts by telling Rebecca that she’s beautiful, and as for her comedic talents… well, she’s beautiful. Josh worked the Cerebral Palsy pity vote well, and Chris was a genius. Alonzo tells him that that is how you roast someone. Apparently Alonzo and Gabriel have known each other for years, and back in the day they were working the same comedy clubs for $50 a night. Alonzo really admires that Gabe was able to feed himself on that pittance.

Phyllis remarks that three of the comics go to her hairdresser, and then tells the comics that they’re all funny, brilliant, and she loves them all. Gee, if only she was much less coherent, and much drunker, she’d be just like Paula Abdul!

Finally, it’s Gilbert Gottfried’s turn to weigh in, and I have to fight not to hit the mute button on my TV. He really irritates me. He starts out with a joke about how he thought Phyllis was dead, and then tells Josh his material was so weak, that Josh is going to go blind next. He finishes up by saying that he doesn’t want to put any of the comics down, because he may need them in the future.

The Judges insightful critiques over, it is now time for them to pick the winner, and it is… Chris Porter! Chris wins a trip to Las Vegas to perform with Louie Anderson, and a 1 year membership to the Friars of Beverly Hills. He is extremely excited… the kind of excited only a man who has just been offered a chance to perform with Louie Anderson can be.

Tired of all this drama!
LCS shoots us to commercial, and I happily flip through the channels to try to catch Bill Dwyer on I Love the 70s, and when I flip back, there’s some weird stuff happening on the Queen Mary. Gabriel is sitting on the couch, hiding something behind a pillow while a producer questions him about what he’s hiding. It’s pretty comical, because Gabriel is trying to hide whatever it is he has, but also knows that he’s busted, and doesn’t know what to do about it.

Kristin is sleeping on another couch, but hears the exchange, and thinks Gabriel is doing something sexual, so she wakes up right away. Me- I would have pulled a pillow over my face and only moved when I was positive the coast was clear. Kristin spills the beans that Gabriel has been using a Blackberry, but she doesn’t really know what that is, because she’s poor. She thinks it like a cell phone though, and knows cell phones are definitely a no-no for the comics, since they all signed a contract that outlined that cell phones or other means of contacting the outside world would not be allowed.

The producers have to make the tough decision to send Gabriel home, and Peter Engel gets to deliver the news. He tells Gabriel that he put them in an awkward position, and tells us that he’s no Simon Cowell, but every time he appears on camera, someone goes home. He’s like the Last Comic Standing Angel of Elimination. Peter also tells us that after he had the Blackberry taken away, Gabriel sneaked out of his room, broke curfew, and made a phone call! It may just be me, but I find the concept that the comics have a curfew completely hilarious. Also the fact that a 30 year old man got in trouble for breaking it.

He’s gone, oh I’d, oh I’d better learn how to face it.
Time for the Boiler Room, but first Anthony shares the news that Gabriel has been kicked off the show for breach of contract. The other comics have to be absolutely thrilled, but are all trying to seem nice and sad that he’s gone. I’m glad to see some honestly from Michelle though, because she remarks that it’s a shame, but Gabriel brought it upon himself. She then plots how she will plant cell phones in all of the remaining comics’ rooms, making her the Last Comic Standing by default.

Tonight, three will perform, and five will remain to battle for America’s affections and the title of Last Comic Standing. The comics vote, and it’s Kristin, Rebecca and Ty in tonight’s Head to Head. Those three look sad and nervous, but the other four are really geeked to make it through to the Finals. Josh remarks that sometimes people don’t take him seriously as a comic because of his Cerebral Palsy, but he’s hoping to show everyone he is a force to be reckoned with!

Kristin likes her role as the underdog, and does not want to go home, Rebecca is gross, (hopefully for the final time), an also does not want to go home, and Ty hasn’t performed since the show started, and he knows how important tonight is. Oh, and he doesn’t want to go home either.

Please answer my prayers, LCS gods…
Kristin is up first, and she begins by repeating her self deprecating, not everything is bigger in Texas joke. She goes on to state that she’s never drinking with college kids again, and spends way too much time talking about pubic hair on fire.

Rebecca is back in her short pants, boots, and belly baring top, with her weird posture. I’m sad to see that she’s kept the kicking in her routine, and hope that it ends quickly. Rebecca is short, but she loves tall men, especially basketball players. Being on LCS comes with a lot of perks, but the biggest perk one is an endless supply of Doritos. Hey, speaking of Doritos, one time Rebecca ate a whole bag of those Wow chips, and… disaster ensued. I’m not going to repeat what she said, because I am not a fan of scatological humor. Rest assured that it fell into the category of Too Much Information.

Ty is last tonight, and takes the stage to big applause. He thanks the audience, then tells them that 400 years ago. This would have been an auction. As Ty gets older, more things seem to piss him off, like the fact that he heard investigators are going to reopen the case of who killed King Tut- he guesses that TuPac and Biggie will have to wait. He finishes up with some strong stuff about Superman, and the audience seems pleased with his material.

Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye, but not tonight. The audience votes are tallied, and Anthony boots the first contestant of the evening… see ya’ later, Rebecca Corry! Kick your way off stage! Then it’s goodbye to Kristin Key. I hope she enjoys the midgets. Ty Barnett is the lucky man who gets to join the Finalists, and not drink himself into a depressed stupor tonight to drown the pain.

I have to say that I am so excited about next week, because it there’s one thing I love more than reality TV, it’s voting for reality TV show contestants.

I’m trying to hide my Blackberry, but you can reach me at:SueEllenMishke@fansofrealitytv .com