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Last week we learned that sometimes it pays to heckle and that Roz is scary! There was a lot of drama, (mostly involving Roz and Stella), and ultimately the audience at the Last Comic Standing Comedy Club kicked April and Stella to the curb.
Anthony announces that two more will go home tonight… how many weeks do they plan on airing this show anyway? It’s like LCS is a pioneer in the reality TV competition genre, by kicking off two competitors each week instead of one. I guess this works out in NBC’s favor if the show doesn’t get good ratings, because they’ll be able to burn the episodes off more quickly, but I’m kind of sad to see two comics gone each week. Unless they’re Stella and April Macie. In that case, I’m fine with it.
Bring out the twins!
The comics welcome Michelle Balan back to the boat with open arms, and are treated to a special Moroccan dinner, complete with twin belly dancers. It took Ty a while to figure out they were twins, because he wasn’t exactly looking at their faces, and everyone else seems to enjoy the entertainment as well. They party late into the night, and there is a lot of dancing, and a lot of alcohol consumption. Everyone stumbles into bed, and then…
At 2:30 am, the horn blows to wake everyone up for their next task. 2:30 am? What are they going to have to do? My guesses are something to do with garbage collecting, or the early service at Denny’s. The comics board the tiny bus, and Michelle thinks being dressed and coherent at 2:30 am should be the challenge.
Where’s Dr. Drew?
The comics ride in their little bus, and we are treated to audio from Adam Corolla’s morning radio show. Uh, oh. It’s a stretch, but now I’m thinking the challenge has something to do with Adam Corolla. What, Jimmy Kimmel was not available?
The comics shuffle into the radio studio, (is it just me, or does Bill Dwyer only have one outfit?), where they learn that today’s task is to come up with a 1 minute routine of original material, using random magazines that will be passed out. They will have 20 minutes to come up with the material, and then will present it to Adam, and his 12 listeners. Adam will then determine who gets immunity for the challenge.
Chris Porter selects Latina Wedding and is dismayed to find that the entire magazine is written in Spanish. He doesn’t speak Spanish- he took French in high school because he thought it would get him some action. He doesn’t say whether it worked or not, and I’m going to keep my opinion on that one to myself.
Up first is Roz, with Astrology, Numerology and Hot Sex. I’d just like to note that for research purposes only, I did a quick Google search for this magazine, and got nada. Damn. Roz’s material is mostly un PG-13, and she ends that she might like being called a bitch during sex. Ookaay. At least she knows what she wants!
Gabriel has Agriculture Today, and his routine consists of him impersonating a janitor with a funny accent. Great.
Chris pretty much ignores the content of Latina Wedding, and focuses instead on the fact that he couldn’t understand a word of it, stating “I learned that I don’t speak Spanish, nor can I read it.”
Ty is up next with Hot Rods. He admits that he didn’t love the challenge, but comes up with some funny stuff about installing a stripper pole and a Starbucks in a Geo Metro. This is funny to me, since I drive a car that is not much bigger than a Geo Metro, but gets excellent gas mileage.
Michelle selected Sparring Magazine, and… yeah. All my notes say about Michelle’s performance is that she had a hard day. Obviously I had also had a hard day when I watched the show.
It’s Josh’s turn with Weapons of Death. Josh seems to run out of material right after he jokes that really, aren’t all weapons for killing? He then says, “Hey Adam, this sucks,” and wishes for his own weapon of death, so that he could end this miserable experience.
By reading Sscat!, Bill discovered that it’s good when kittens have four legs, and kittens are like children, only easier to destroy when they get sick. Yikes! I’m thinking twice about sending Bill those Siamese kittens for his birthday like I had planned.
Joey’s got Farming Journal, and makes jokes about the recreational uses of saddles. I think. Adam Corolla is not really paying attention to his material, and neither am I.
Up next is Kristin with Modern Knitting. She wonders who reads this kind of stuff? She pictures a lonely spinster and thinks she should knit herself a vibrator, or a noose to end it all. Kristin runs out of steam at 47 seconds, and I would just like to point out that there is a good chance my sister reads Modern Knitting, and she is neither lonely, nor a spinster. And she knit me an awesome pair of socks for my birthday, so thanks, Sis!
Finally, we have Rebecca with Beefcake Magazine. Unfortunately I can’t really recap her material here, because it was definitely not PG-13, but Adam and all of his cronies liked it, so you can bet it was pretty gross.
So who’s the winner? Well, Adam liked #9, (Kristin), but she didn’t finish, so it’s down to #3, (Chris), and #10, (Rebecca). I guess Adam is such a big star he doesn’t have to learn people’s names, and can merely refer to them as numbers. Ultimately, Rebecca is the lucky recipient of immunity, and in case you missed it, she’ll be reminding everyone of that fact every five seconds for the rest of the show.
The power of Knoxville compels you!
The gang heads back to the boat for some football on the deck. Joey is not very good, and Josh is very good, almost like Lynn Swann, (in case you didn’t know, Lynn Swann played for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and was the MVP for Superbowl X. Thank you, Google). Chris jokes that Josh doesn’t really have Cerebral Palsy at all, just a crippling cocaine addiction.
Josh and Kristin have a theory that it’s funny when anything gets hit in the crotch with any type of ball. To prove this, Josh repeatedly drills Kristin in the crotch, and torso, and head, and, well, anything he can hit, as Kristin yells “Aim for the hoo-ha!” You know what? They’re right- it is kind of funny. Now, if Kristin would only trip and fall down the stairs, that would make this segment perfect.
It’s not personal… seriously.
Hey, has anyone forgotten that Rebecca has immunity? Just in case you have, Rebecca does an annoying immunity dance, and Bill remarks that Rebecca’s lucky that she has immunity, because she may have been a target for tonight’s Head to Head. Ty and Kristin both think that at this point, nothing is personal, and Rebecca declares that she will never challenge a woman, and she’s pretty sure Roz is a woman, so Roz is off limits.
The comics hit the boiler room, and the votes are as follows: Rebecca votes for Joey, Joey for Bill, Ty for Bill, Chris for Kristin, Roz for Michelle, Josh for Gabriel, Kristin for Chris, Michelle for Joey, and Bill for Michelle. After he makes his pick, Bill does a pratfall over the chair, much to Chris Porter’s amusement, (and mine too). So, we have two votes each for Joey Gay, Michelle Balan, and Bill Dwyer, and we still need to hear Gabriel’s pick which is… Chris Porter.
Anthony is shocked by the four-way tie. Since these four have two votes each, all four will perform tonight, and two will be sent home. Ty does not agree that Michelle is in the Head to Head tonight- he thought she rocked it last time and should have been left alone. Joey is nervous about the Head to Head, and thinks that anything can happen. Michelle says the packing causes more anxiety that the actual competition, and Rebecca sits in the background singing a song about her immunity.
Should comics always go for the obvious joke?
Joey Gay is up first, and he’s really loud. Why are you telling Joey Gay? Didn’t they provide you with a microphone? That’s so you don’t have to yell! People always ask if “Joey Gay” is a stage name. Of course it’s not- he would have selected “Joey Lesbian!” Joey’s still single, because women just don’t want to be Mrs. Gay, Um, that’s probably not the only reason, Joey. Joey grew up in a house with five older sisters, and makes the observation that women who live together cycle together, and once a month he would come home to a house filled with Nazi commandos, who could only be placated by his knapsack filled with herbal tea and Three Musketeers. On another topic completely, Joey just got back from a trip to Ireland, where he attended a theme wedding. The theme? Alcoholism. Oh, ha, ha. Because the Irish are all just a bunch of drunks, eh Joey? I just love obvious ethnic humor!
Chris is up next and he’s bringing his best material to the stage. He doesn’t want to get eliminated and regret that he didn’t bring his A Game. Chris tells the audience that he used to smoke pot, because it’s safer than alcohol. When you smoke pot, you don’t get into your car and drive, because you first have to remember why you got up. Recently, Chris had to buy some new condoms, because the other ones had expired. He thought two years would be enough, but apparently was incorrect. He was a little confused by the selection- so many colors, flavors, sizes, non-lubricated, and lubricated. Chris thinks there should only be two kinds; lubricated and non-lubricated. But, who is using the non-lubricated condoms anyway? Using those must be just like when your breaks lock up on the freeway!
It’s Bill’s turn, and he knows how important tonight it. He wants a lot. Bill’s neighborhood has a huge Armenian population, and Bill is friends with quite a few of them. How does he know they’re friends? Because they always refer to him as “Bill, my friend.” He loves that may of them have almost American sounding names- Marf, Isabelt, Anward. Bill’s excited because he just got a new computer for his family, and it’s loaded with Dos 2.0. Isn’t it weird when pregnant people declare that they’re going to wait until the kid comes out to name it? Speaking of that, when a married couple has a night out, why do people always wonder who’s watching the kids? You’re not, so who cares? Maybe Bill found a nice guy on the Internet who flew in special just to watch the kids, or maybe they’re being watched over by the picture of Jesus on the wall. Whew! Sorry about the crazy recapping for this segment- Bill was all over the place with his comedy tonight!
Finally, we have Michelle Balan. You know what’s not scary to Michelle? A cop on a bike. What is he going to do? Put the criminal in his basket? Michelle is a smoker and hates when someone asks is she’s got an extra cigarette. Obviously it’s not extra if she will eventually smoke it. Michelle’s excited because she recently got an email promising her a 30% increase in the size of her penis. Wow, if only she had a penis. She has been considering breast implants lately, because they now use saline solution, and since she is a contact lens wearer, this could come in handy. Finally, Michelle visited a sex store, where the clerk showed her a remote control vibrator. Michelle wondered how far she would have to be from her vagina in order to use the remote control feature. Uh, Michelle? I don’t really think it works that way. Not that I would know or anything.
Time for the audience to vote, and destroy the dreams of two comics, and they are… Bill Dwyer and Joey Gay. Bye Bill Dwyer! I hope you know that you will remain in my heart as long as VH1 shows reruns of I Love the 80s. Bye Joey Gay! I really have nothing more to say to you.
Chris Porter wins the Capital One audience pick, and he and Michelle Balan get to return to the boat for some more fun games of Crotch Ball.
Tune in next week to see the comics roast of Gabriel, and see one of the comics do something very, very bad.
I’m organizing a local Crotch Ball league, but you can reach me at:SueEllenMishke@fansofrealitytv .com