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You know, every week I wonder if this will be the episode of Hell’s Kitchen when we see that moment from the previews when a customer showers maitre 'd Jean-Philippe with a plate of food. Sadly, I’m sure it won’t be nearly as good as the clips make it look. It definitely won’t be as good as that pompous asshat last season talking about how he has a doctorate in music theory. So, will JP take a spaghetti bath this week? Let’s find out!
Even though Giacomo, the long-haired donkey, got ousted last week, Tom was named by the other three members of the blue team. After hearing his teammates nominate him for elimination, Tom is pissed. Everyone should be on notice: he might unleash one of those street fights he threatened last week. Tom gripes at Garrett, who tells us that the blue team would be better of without Tom. The guys bitch at each other and Tom whines about how he has nowhere to go if he gets eliminated here. Heather says that Tom doesn’t get it: if you can’t cook, you can’t cook. Tom talks about everything he gave up and makes it clear that he cares about the money. Rachel and Heather both jump on him at this point: cooking is what they were born to do (and I roll my eyes – too much earnestness does that to me). Neither of them is there for the money.
It’s 7:53 a.m. and the teams are assembled in the dining room. There are only three men left, while the red team still has five members. Chef Ramsay states the obvious: the blue team is stinking things up big time and they lost the battle of the sexes. Ramsay says that Rachel, Heather and Sara have all emerged as leaders on the red team. Virginia is clearly annoyed at this. She says that she’ll just have to start acting like a bitch and maybe Chef Ramsay will recognize her as a leader. Ramsay then announces that Heather will be moving over to the blue team. He says that maybe it will take a woman on the blue team to show some balls. Sara gloats: she can now stage a takeover of the red team.
Spicy Hot Ramsay Dog <------ great lunch or lame porn title? You decide
Now that the teams are set again, Chef Ramsay announces that they will all be going on a little field trip to one of the most successful restaurants in Los Angeles. Everyone heads off down the street and, soon enough, they arrive at Pink’s Hot Dogs. Ramsay tells them that Pink’s serves 2,000 customers per day: that’s a number any restaurant would be proud of. Tom takes this moment to boast that he worked at hot dog place in college and then hops behind the counter, much to the horror of the girls working there. Ramsay wonders if Tom will even fit behind the counter. Tom tells us that a chili cheese dog is just as complicated as anything they make in Hell’s Kitchen. Yes, but the chefs at Pink’s generally don’t set the kitchen on fire, big boy. After he prepares a few “Ramsay Dogs,” Tom is ordered out of the kitchen before he sweats on any of the dogs. Virginia says that she didn’t have the Ramsay Dog, but that it was probably very hot and spicy….just like he is. *groan*
Now that everyone’s stuffed their faces with chili dogs for breakfast, Chef Ramsay breaks the bad news: Hell’s Kitchen will be opening for lunch in a few hours. The chefs all run back to the kitchen….except for Keith, who “rolls” back to the kitchen, half-walking, half-jogging. The teams will have just a short time to learn the menu for lunch – pizza, Caesar salad, chopped steak and pasta formaggio.
In the blue kitchen, Heather says that the men just need to focus. She’ll try to get them to do that. Meanwhile in the red kitchen, the women show a touching amount of loyalty by pledging to kick Heather’s ass. Ah, feel the love.
Chef Ramsay is really hoping that the first lunch service in Hell’s Kitchen will be success. Dare to dream, Gordo. Ramsay tells the chefs that lunch customers will not wait: they want speed and quality. He then gives the word and the floodgates open. Passels of screaming kids descend on Hell’s Kitchen, running into the dining room and filling every table. They practically run over Jean-Philippe on their way in. He looks positively mortified in his very French way.
Welcome to Hell’s Kitchen Kindergarten!
In the blue kitchen, Heather immediately starts giving orders to the guys…and they take it. Ramsay tells Keith to pull his pants up. Yes, please. Buy him some suspenders or staple those things to his shirt. To win this challenge, both kitchens must have a complete service. In the dining room, the kids are already impatient, yelling and chanting. Please, they don’t know what waiting a long time for food really is.
In the blue kitchen, Tom and Garrett immediately start in fighting. Heather breaks it up and orders them to get back to work….and they obey. This is great! Meanwhile, there’s a power struggle underway in the red kitchen. Both Rachel and Sara are trying to gain dominance. It’s only ten minutes into lunch service and the voice-over informs us that the kids are getting restless….what were they before?
Both kitchens start sending food out and the atmosphere in the dining room changes from chaos to contentment. Of course, things can’t be going too well. Chef Ramsay is having issues with the shape of the pizzas coming out of the red kitchen. Suddenly, a little scoreboard appears on the screen and begins to count down the tables remaining. It’s a bloody miracle, but both kitchens finally finish a complete service. Chef Ramsay is actually smiling. Yay! The kids have a little celebration in the dining room, spraying Silly String everywhere.
Chef Ramsay congratulates both teams. The point today was to get through an entire service. The winner of the challenge will be determined by the kids. Based on a scale of 1 to 10, the red team got a score of 9.84. That seems pretty good until Ramsay reveals that the blue team scored 9.8…….5 (I’m surprised they didn’t go to commercial right there, just to stretch things out more). The guys are elated that they finally won something. Of course, we all know who won the challenge for them, don’t we? Ramsay announces that the blue team will be going out, while the red team will be cleaning the dining room *cue Psycho music* Cut to shots of the dining room, which looks like a cyclone hit it. The carpet is multi-colored now.
Silly String = Not So Silly
The blue team - who are now calling themselves “Three Men and Little Lady,” even though none of the guys is even a fraction as hot as Tom Selleck was in that movie - goes to get changed for their day out. The red team also gets changed….to start exorcising the dining room. The Silly String has now melded to every surface it has come into contact with. As they begin to clean, it’s clear that Rachel is upset about losing, and that Sara isn’t upset at all. She seems to think this whole thing is hilarious.
Chef Ramsay has arranged for the blue team to have a fun day out at the Santa Monica Pier, where they’ll get to feel like kids. On the midway, they pop balloons by throwing darts. Cut to the red team dispatching bunches of balloons in the dining room. The blue team moves on to the roller coaster and then the Ferris wheel. Keith – who has clearly lost his grip on reality – tells Heather that he thinks they will be the final two. Even their initials are perfect: H and K. Get it!?
Back at Hell’s Kitchen, the tension is building between Sara and Rachel. Showing that she’s not happy with Sara’s attitude either, sous chef Mary Ann slams a cake onto the floor. Still, Sara doesn’t get it. I think she should have to clean the entire floor with her tongue. Of course, then they’d have to disinfect the carpet, so that’s probably a bad idea.
Out of the Frying Pan…
It’s already 7:38 p.m. and the teams must start prepping for the dinner service. In the blue kitchen, Heather is working on improving men’s morale and on pulling up Keith’s pants. Once again, Heather instructs the guys and they seem happy to take it. In the red kitchen it’s quiet. Too quiet. Rachel and Sara are plotting each other’s demise even though Rachel tells us that this isn’t the time for a power struggle. Sara hates to admit it, but says that the red team will likely start to lose now that Heather is on the blue team.
Chef Ramsay calls the teams forward. This is their fourth dinner service so they should be getting better. The operative word there is “should.” Ramsay tells the chefs that the ice machine is broken. Because the red team lost the lunch challenge, they will have to get ice whenever Ramsay tells them to.
Soon enough, Hell’s Kitchen is open again and more reality TV whores arrive to mug and look outraged for the cameras. Rachel will be on appetizers this time, but she’ll have to rely on Sara for scallops in one dish. Oh, no way this is going to go wrong. Because Rachel is relying on Sara, the red kitchen starts getting behind. In the blue kitchen, Garrett sends the first appetizers to the pass. Ramsay deems it too bland and Garrett has to start over. Rachel then sends stiff risotto to the pass and Ramsay dumps it. In the blue kitchen, Garrett’s second attempt passes muster, while Rachel’s second attempt is too relaxed. Chef Ramsay is furious: hasn’t Rachel ever heard of quality control?
In dining room, a diner tells Jean-Philippe that his spaghetti appetizer is cold. JP brings it to the blue kitchen as Ramsay starts (ha) to get annoyed. He yells at Garrett to get another spaghetti done. Ramsay continues berating Garrett. Does he want to go back to jail? Um…..for cold spaghetti?
Forty five minutes into dinner service, Rachel has gotten out appetizers for six tables. Rachel and Virginia are now working on entrees. Again, they will be relying on Sara for fish entrťes. One entrťe is ready to go to the pass and Virginia finds that Sara – who told her the fish would be ready when she needed it – says that Virginia didn’t communicate anything to her about the turbot….only she pronounces it “turbo” and I want to smack her even more. Ramsay, who maybe isn’t the best judge of character, blames Virginia, calling her a liar. He says that Virginia isn’t a team player. She just looks bewildered, while Sara snickers. I’m sure she’d be twirling her moustache if she had one.
….and Into the Fire
It’s one hour into dinner service and the red team is working on getting entrees out. More to the point, Sara is sabotaging Virginia and lying through her teeth. The blue team has one ticket remaining on appetizers, so Tom is up on the meat station. Immediately, there’s trouble when Tom admits to Chef Ramsay that the quail on an order called out an hour ago hasn’t even been put into the oven yet. There’s also no Wellington in the blue kitchen – Tom says it was too pink. Ramsay begins berating Tom for his inability to communicate. I’d be berating him for his inability to cook.
Ninety minutes into dinner service, the diners who are getting food are happy. Unfortunately, there aren’t many diners actually getting food. In the red kitchen, Ramsay discovers that the wings have been left on the quail. Rachel tells Ramsay that she’s still trying to understand his procedures. He informs her that this isn’t his procedure – it’s everyone’s procedure. Just when it couldn’t get any worse for Rachel, Chef Ramsay yells out that it’s time for an ice run.
Rachel takes off running. She runs all the way to the convenience store where she realizes that she forgot to bring any money. Nice going. She drops to her knees…..and begs another customer to buy her ice for her (why? What did you think I was going to write?). On the sidewalk, Rachel falls on her ass, dropping the bags of ice.
Back at Hell’s Kitchen, things are going from bad to worse in the blue kitchen as Tom is showing everyone how to screw things up in a totally new and spectacular way. He’s actually preparing the wrong order. Chef Ramsay wails on the metal pass, causing half of the dining room to turn around. As if things aren’t bad enough, Tom rolls out an old trick: he sets a pan on fire. Ramsay orders him away from the pan before he sets himself on fire. Really though, wouldn’t that have been a solution to the problem? Chef Ramsay has finally had enough. He orders Keith onto the meat station and instructs him not to let Tom do a thing. He tells Tom to shut up and watch.
With Rachel still gone from the red kitchen, things are more relaxed. Maribel remarks on the reduced tensions. When Rachel comes back, one of the diners wonders aloud why she’s toting ice around rather than cooking. Really though, this dinner service is already circling the drain. One more chef isn’t going to save it.
In the red kitchen, Virginia’s blowing it on the meat orders. Two hours into dinner service, Ramsay notices that Virginia is glazing the Wellingtons with egg whites – not egg wash, which includes the yolks. If this was a cartoon, it would be this moment when Gordon Ramsay’s head would have literally exploded. As it is, he does a pretty good imitation: “&*$% the lot of you!” He calls the chefs forward and announces that he’s had enough. He throws his apron at Tom. He cannot believe that any of them are trying to win a restaurant. Ramsay then orders both teams to nominate someone for elimination.
And Then There Were Seven
Back in dorms, the teams begin discussing who will be nominated for elimination. Virginia is still upset about being called a liar. She confronts Sara, who denies everything. Sara brags to us about how clever she is and I start contemplating making a Sara-shaped voodoo doll. On the blue team, Heather is mortified. She says that Tom was the problem tonight and he has been from the beginning. Tom sits on the patio alone and whining aloud while his team members talk about what a loser he is. Tom – who is loaded with misguided confidence – assures us he’ll be back tomorrow. While the nomination on the blue team seems obvious, the only thing the red team can agree on is that none of them want to go home. Virginia whimpers that she’s sure they’ll all vote for her. Well then why don’t you go dig yourself up some worms for dinner? Good Lord, will someone buy this girl a backbone?
Everyone assembles back in the dining room to give Chef Ramsay the nominations. Ramsay says that they are all a bunch of fast food chefs and he’s not giving away a fast food restaurant. He says that Keith was the one bright spot on the blue team. Keith tells Ramsay that they have nominated Tom for elimination. Smug Sara is named the best of the red team tonight. Chef Ramsay says that she showed initiative. Sara reveals that Virginia is their nomination this week. Ramsay expresses his surprise that they didn’t nominate Rachel. Sara lies through her teeth, saying that Virginia made more mistakes.
Tom and Virginia both step forward to plead for their lives. Tom tells Chef Ramsay that he cannot be beaten down (no matter how much we all want to see it) and he wants to stick around. Virginia says that she has a passion for food. If Chef Ramsay thinks she can make it, then she wants to stay. If not, she should go. Ramsay says that Rachel must be laughing right now. Rachel tells him that she’ll leave if he wants her to. While that’s a tempting offer, Tom and his glandular problem will be leaving tonight. Tom tells us that he’s not giving up. Now he just has to find a job. Maybe Chef Ramsay can give him a recommendation? I’ll give you one: consider janitorial services.
Chef Ramsay tells the remaining chefs that this might be the worst service he’s experienced and he’s really thinking about throwing in the towel. Heather is certain they can do this without Tom. Rachel expresses her disappointment with the red team’s performance and Virginia says that the red team are all behaving like enemies. Sara says she is who she is….and I still want to smack who she is. Ramsay tells the chefs that he’s not giving up on them and they shouldn’t give up on him. He then tells us that Tom may have a big heart, but he’s a crap cook.
Next week: The feud between Rachel and Sara reaches a breaking point, it’s celebrity time at the dinner service and Chef Ramsay kicks one of the cooks out of the kitchen. The big question is this: Will Chef Ramsay finally get a successful dinner service? I wouldn’t hold your breath, Gordon.
Chili dogs or Lamb Wellington...it's all the same....Critical@fansofrealitytv.com