Is CBS crazy? Or are we as viewers just gluttons for punishment? Seriously, now--didn’t Survivor: All-Stars stink up the room? People were quitting left and right, Hatch was flashing his gross nakedness all over the place, and too many players went with the simplest strategy in reality TV history—vote off the previous winners. Perhaps Big Brother: All Stars will be different. It is a completely different competition than Survivor, at least.
Are you ready for this, America? You better be, because you asked for it. Julie Chen promises that with this all-star cast, this will be the best season of Big Brother yet!! Or at least better than Season 1. Tonight the Chenbot will introduce Big Brother’s loyal viewers to 20 candidates for the All-Stars house, at least one from each of the previous 6 seasons. After the show, America votes…that’s right, we get to cast our vote for who we would like to see in the house. Or, at least for 6 of the 12 people we would like to see in the house. You see, CBS is holding onto it’s creative license to cast the other 6 people they hope will make huge waves in the house. Take it anyway you like it…I’m taking it to mean I shouldn’t waste my vote on Kaysar or Dr. Will…those guys will be in either way.
Who do we have to choose from? Let’s find out!
The concept was new, the show was fresh, and the game was non-existent. Yes, season one was lame. Except for some of the interesting characters—well, at least one of the interesting characters.
Mr. “Chicken” George is the only member of the season 1 house that is up for re-entry to hamsterville. Remind me again—why did they call him “Chicken”? Was it because he took care of the pet chicken like it was the family wiener dog? Or was it because he cut his hair and colored it like a prize winning rooster fighting out of Venezuela? Either way, everyone remembers George and his crazy 13-year-old-boy-in-an-old-man-body antics. I even recall him, and I didn’t watch BB until season 4. If you vote for him, he’ll finally get to play the game, instead of just hang out around a house with a bunch of strangers. And because he never really played the game of Big Brother, I have a feeling he’s on CBS’s shortlist to get into the habitrail.
Since the first season of Big Brother turned out to be so boring, in season 2 CBS made some massive changes to the concept. No longer would viewers be allowed to vote for houseguests’ evictions. Instead, there would be weekly competitions for the title of Head of Household, which carried with it some perks—a sweet, private bedroom—and some responsibilities—nominating 2 hamsters for eviction. Season 2 also introduced the housemates to voting their brethren out on their own, thus bringing alliances and strategy into the game.
The first Season 2 veteran introduced is Bunky –the bald gay guy from the south with a hairy back that cried all the time. Hey, he’s a sensitive guy. He wants to get back into the house so he can prove he can live with others without ruining their shirtsleeves with his salty tears.
Next up on the CBS Big Brother Slot Reel is Will That’s Dr. Will to most of you. This guy is quite possibly the most vain, egotistic man on the planet. He grooms himself and looks in the mirror more than anyone I have ever seen! Well, other than the guy driving the SUV in front of me on the highway this morning. He must have mussed his hair while looking in the rearview mirror for his entire commute. The other negative about Dr. Will is that he lied to everyone and made no bones about doing so. This guy would lie to his own mother if only to steal $5 from her purse. As you all probably know, Will won season 2, even though he was on the eviction block more than anyone in the house. He claims to have invented the strategy of being hated so everyone takes you to the end. He wants back in the house, and I’ll bet he gets his way.
Season 2 wouldn’t have been the same without Mike “Boogie”. Well, at least there wouldn’t have been so much dancing and aerobicizing. He was a member of the Chilltown alliance. I don’t know what that means, really, other than maybe they liked to put ice cubes in the pool and chill? Mike had a strong relationship with Krista in the house…so much so that they were actually engaged for a time after their stint in hamsterville. They didn’t end up getting married…probably because Mike is also friends with Dr. Will, and they went out galavanting too much.
“It’s on!!” for the next nominee to Big Brother All-Stars, Monica. It seems like Monica had that phrase trademarked long before Toni of Love Cruise and Paradise Hotel fame. For the most part, Monica “kept it real” inside the house, and wasn’t afraid to create conflict amongst her peers. I guess she’s lucky that she never showed up on Dave Chappelle’s “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” skit. Monica made the final 3 in season 2, and really wants to get back in the house and continue to be herself and keep it real.
As far as twists go, Season 3 seemed no different than season 2. Was this the year that the “Golden Veto” was introduced? I’m not sure…like I said, I didn’t start watching until the season after this. Chenbot doesn’t say anything about the game play being different, so I’m just going to go with the mantra of “same stuff, different cast.”
One of the most memorable houseguests in season 3 was Marcellas, whose most memorable moment was a lesson to all future reality TV show contestants. You see, Marcellas won the veto when he was on the chopping block, but chose not to veto himself, which eventually led to his eviction. When he left the house to be interviewed, the first thing Julie did was smack him upside the head. Julie Chen, ladies and gentlemen—making friends with disappointed contestants since 1999!! Anyway, Marcellas has to be one of the most famous BB losers thus far. He has already built his loser-ness into a strong fan following, and plenty of TV time on CBS. Figure Marcellas to be another shoe in to get into the house, whether by vote or by CBS mandate.
The second nominee from season 3 is Lisa, that season’s pretty girl in the bathing suit. She of peanut butter bikini fame. She had a hot and heavy relationship with Eric the fireman, hoping that he would be seen as the heavy hitter in their relationship and get voted out before her. It seems like she mostly played a “UTR” style of game, and eventually won BB 3. She wants to get back in the house so she can really play the game…instead of it playing her.
People either loved to hate, or hated to love Danielle, the next nominee from the third season. She said everything and anything that was on her mind, but only in the diary room. She also used the diary room as her personal countdown counter. She counted down every week, telling the viewers how many more people needed to be eliminated before she won. Ultimately, her gameplay with Jason got both of them to the final 3 without ever having been nominated for eviction, but she lost to the victorious Lisa.
Season 4 – The X Factor
For season 4, CBS felt that they really needed to shake things up in the Big Brother house. But how? How about putting people in the house with their ex’s? 8 people started off in the house, and were told to expect 6 more. When 6 ex’s walked into the house, their 6 former significant others freaked out…and America tuned in for some solid water cooler gossip.
The first nominee from season 4 is Erika, who was in the house with her despised ex-boyfriend, Robert. She and her ex started off on rocky ground, but as time wore on, they became friends again—but never kissed to make up, much to Robert’s dismay. She feels she played a solid game during her first stint in the house, only failing to win the diamond veto when she most needed it. Erika really wants another shot at winning the game.
Next up is Dana, who didn’t have an ex in the game, but went after one of her alliance mate’s ex-boyfriend. Besides always being “pissed off” in the house, Dana also made the mistake of going against her original alliance of 8 by nominating Allison and Jack when she was HOH. Huge mistake. And when Allison won HOH the very next week, it was bye-bye Dana. For some reason, I can’t understand why Dana is even up for the All-Stars edition. Was she popular? Not by my standards. Anyway, like most of the other non-winners, Dana wants back in so she can redeem herself. Yes, redemption lurks inside the Big Brother house…in the form of more TV time for a fame whore.
And now we have Allison—perhaps one of the most despised reality TV characters EVER. Seriously. She took that despisement with her when she competed in “The Amazing Race”, too. Now there are fans of two shows that hate her. I don’t use the word “hate” lightly…but I hate this girl. I really do. But that’s what makes her a wonderful nominee. People love to hate her. One person that will be watching and hating her is Nathan, her boy-toy tool that Allison used to further herself in the game, and then discarded like the newspaper from the bottom of a birdcage. She used her sexuality to it’s fullest in the house, manipulating the guys by their hormones on more than one occasion. Don’t vote for Allison…CBS will be putting her on the show no matter what.
Season 5 – Project DNA
It was a twisty season, that season 5—twisty like strands of DNA. The first twist was that identical twins were playing the game as one person…switching out every 3 days and trying to keep the other houseguests unaware. The second twist was a little more, well, twisted, in my opinion. Two players entered the house having no idea that they shared a father. They figured it out, eventually, thanks to a little help from CBS, but to meet your half sibling on national TV locked inside a house was just a little unnerving to me.
The main scapegoat in the DNA twist in season 5 was Cowboy, the drawling hick from Oklahoma. He’s a cowboy, but he sure can’t throw a lasso. It wasn’t until he was on Big Brother that he even had a clue that he had a half-sister, or even a father who knew about him. He was happy to learn about his new family, but not so happy that he would align with his sister. He got so close to winning the $500k that he could taste it…and he wants another shot at it…perhaps so he can do that addition onto the double wide that he’s always wanted.
The other houseguest that shared some DNA with Cowboy was Nakomis, the multi-colored haired rebel/brain of the season. Nakomis was the master of the house at times, and a master strategist all of the time. She invented the “six-finger” plan to evict someone from the house by not initially nominating someone (so they couldn’t compete for the veto), then winning the veto with people from her alliance to ultimately use the veto and evict the original target. Brilliance! Alas, a win was not in the cards for poor Nakomis, since she didn’t form a close bond with her brother, and he eventually sided with his alliance to vote her out. She wants another shot at strategizing herself to ultimate victory.
Possibly competing with Will for mirror time this season could be Jase, another one of the most disliked houseguests ever. Well, at least by me. Jase formed the “Four Horsemen” alliance in the house, but was dismantled easily by the twins and the others who just didn’t care much for his pompousness. His downfall was the twin twist, and I’m sure Jase wouldn’t mind never seeing a pair of twins again in his life. Unless they’re the Coors Light Twins and he has free reign to hit on them at will.
Diane is the final possibility from season 5. She thinks she’s a tough, mean, bitch. I’m thinking she’s just a bitch. She made it a long way in season 5—to the final 3 with Cowboy and Drew, the guy she was “dating” in the house. But that was her one mistake…she let her feelings get in the way of her game play. She should have known Drew would drop her like red hot anvil for $500k, and he did…breaking her heart in the process. I’m just surprised she’s considered an all-star. I had forgotten she was even on the show until last night. She wants back in the house so she can prove herself to Drew, er, prove herself.
Season 6 – Summer of Secrets
And that brings us to last summer…a summer of secrets. You see, everyone entered the house with a secret alliance already in place. Each person was playing the game—secretly—with a friend of theirs. The object of the secret alliance was to make it all the way to the end with both members of the alliance intact, thus doubling the ultimate prize for first and second place. CBS probably figured there would be a snowball’s chance in hell of a two person team making it all the way to the end, so the extra prize money was really just a red herring. It was an exciting season either way, with 2 major alliances forming—the Friendship and the Sovereigns —and facing off in a weekly struggle for power. There were fights, both physical and verbal, and crying galore. You can call them April’s showers. Ultimately, some of the most unpopular people in the show’s history ended up as the last 2 houseguests, and a maggot won the prize.
Who could ever forget Howie?? Or Hurricane Howie as we all know and love him? He of the ratty underwear and the constant, boyish drooling over anything female—except if she’s Busto April. And then there are his Jedi skills. Prancing all over the house trying to use the force and surprising people with his light saber…and I don’t mean the one in his pants. Hurricane Howie didn’t win many competitions, but he was a force to be reckoned with in the house, and I’m certain he’ll get a chance to blow through the Big Brother house again.
Quite possibly the most popular houseguest in Big Brother history, and season 4’s second nominee is Kaysar. He was also the first Muslim to ever stay in the Big Brother house. Kaysar was a good soul in the house, trying not to successfully to avoid conflict instigated by his secret partner, Michael. After Michael was betrayed and voted out by a sniveling Cappy, Kaysar became a one man force in dismantling the Friendship alliance. If only his partners were better at the competitions. Kaysar was voted out once after taking Cappy out, voted back in by an overwhelming majority in an “America’s Choice” vote, and finally taken out again by an evil and conniving (and bitchy) Jennifer. I have no doubt that Kaysar will be a part of this years all-star house. How could CBS keep it’s most popular hamster ever out?
And then there’s Ivette, the hot-headed Cuban loud mouth from Miami. With her strange fascination with Cappy and his “Friendship” alliance, Ivette was always the person I wanted to see go home the most last season. Since then, the “Friendship” is no more, and Ivette has figured out just how backstabbing the people she allied with were. She wants the chance to play as an individual and do better than her runner-up finish last season.
Who has won more vetoes than anyone else? I’m not sure, but I do know that James sure won a lot over the course of last season. He had to, quite frankly. The guy was on the block seemingly every week. Not only was he good at the competitions, he was good at lying too. James is probably the only person who could swear on the Bible and immediately turn around and go back on his word. He played both sides of the alliance fence last year, and he hopes to get in the house and mess with some other alliances this year. And win a veto or two.
The final nominee for entry into the Big Brother: All-Stars house is Janelle, the buxom blonde with a hatred of Nerd Herds. Last year, she had an in-house fling with Kaysar’s partner Michael, but outside of the house she realized she just doesn’t like him that much. Still, when he was evicted, she quickly allied with his secret partner to form one of the most well liked alliances in BB history—the Sovereign Six. It was after Jennifer had betrayed her word to Kaysar by nominating him that Janelle really got fired up against the Nerd Herd. She got downright nasty, even getting in a near fist fight with Beau. Not only was she nasty to the Friendship around the house, she was a force to be reckoned with in the competitions too, winning her share to keep the Nerds out of power. She’s a competitor, and I can’t wait to see her in the house again this summer.
The Power Belongs To You!
For the first time in Big Brother history, we the viewers will have a hand in selecting who gets into the house! That’s right, everyone…visit CBS’s website and vote for your favorite former houseguests and the top 6 will have an automatic place in the house. The other 6 houseguests will be chosen by CBS, so I am sure this season’s cast will at least be interesting. Go now…vote—you only have until June 28th. What are you waiting for? Maybe all of the extra material that will be on CBS and their website all this week. Look for the Big Brother nominees to be promoting the hell out of themselves in order to win your votes.
I wanna be in the Big Brother house…do they accept write ins? email@example.com