Episode 2

“It’s about honour man, it’s about freakin’ honour and about having a little respect. Respect for the things that matter man, for the things that count. It’s all about the sun, the sun and the sky and the ground and whatnot. That’s what it is dudes, it’s all about integrity. Integrity and honour and respect”.

Ok, so we didn’t get to hear Dave give his post TC inspirational speech, but we all know he did it. Let’s move on.
This episode will see an event at each camp that threatens to tear the team apart.

“Our shelter doesn’t shelter” notes Janet.
That could well be because you’ve built a raft.
“We should try to make it better”. Indeed you should Deena, but the greater challenge would surely be to make the embarrassing collection of mini tree trunks any worse.
I don’t think you messing around with a water balloon is going to get the job done though.
We do cut from a shot of Deena with the water balloon to a deep cleavage shot of Heidi though. Nice editing.

Deena We need one person to be in charge of fire, water, logs.

Jeanne finds the need to repeat Deena’s statement in a louder, snottier voice. (Jeanne’s trouble – mark my words)

Uh, so do you need three people with one responsibility each of one person to do all three things?
The other ladies stand around confused by the call to arms so as usual, nothing gets done.

Heidi suggests building the shelter teepee style.
This is “pooh poohed” by her teammates who say they don’t care about a high ceiling.
Heidi I don’t care about a high ceiling either.

Hmmm, if you sleep on your stomach instead of your back Heidi they could lower the roof by another foot.

After Shawna “confesses” that the guys are probably doing better than the girls, we cut to their camp.
We get a brief, yet none the less bone chilling sighting of Matthew before he runs off to hide behind a tree.
The guys chow down heartily on fried manioc “cakes”.
Apparently before making this discovery they were eating the Manioc “dry’.
Ugh, sounds like Pop rocks without the luxury of that all important, eponymous “pop”.

Alex We’re surviving.
Well, no one can ask for any more than that really.

“It’s filling and it tastes average”.
Anyone in the food industry wanting to use that slogan to advertise their latest product, please be sure to credit Dave.
Having polished off their food, the guys go out to fish.
They row out and cast their net with more of a shrug than a throw.
With a storm looking imminent, they decide to head back to camp.
Yep, better get a wiggle on guys, you’ve got a full ten feet to row back to shore.
They take up residence under their designer shelter and other than a couple of drips (Daniel and Butch?) they declare themselves dryer than a super absorbent pack of Depend.

Over at Jaburu, the ladies are getting soaked.
In a pee green waterproof jacket, Shawna declares that they forgot they were in the Amazon.
Uh, keys, lock combinations, birthdays – all things you might frequently forget.
The fact that you’re stranded in the Amazon, well that’s something that would be at the forefront of your mind at all times wouldn’t it?
What part of this experience is so like your home life that you’d forget you were here?

Shawna Storms come round everyday, we thought we’d have longer to build our shelter.

Uh, I can understand you thinking that on day one, but this is day 4. Don’t you see a pattern in these daily torrential downpours? I’ll help you out Shawna, they happen daily. You have a maximum of 24 hours to build a rudimentary shelter before the rain comes again.
The clouds eventually clear and we see the teams heading off to their first reward challenge.
No brash claims of fish-catching exploits from Daniel as yet.
He does stare longingly at Shawna though and wonders if she’d think he was braver if he said he wrestled a caiman or an anaconda.
The decision made, he keeps the story on the back burner until they switch or merge.

We can expect to see a lot of rehashed events this season, just as we did last year.
Having made no brash pre-season claim of “ all new challenges”, we can’t really call MB an evil, lying prick though.
Well, we can, but just not on this issue.
So, it’s a variation on the much used blind-fold” challenge.
Please note that this is supposed to test, how well you listen and how well you take direction.

Jiff Want to know what you’re playing for? Well, there are huge fish in the waters just outside your camps.
Daniel decides to make a last ditch play for Shawna.
Daniel Yes, I know, I’ve caught many fish myself.

Dave kicks him in the shin.

Jiff It’s damn near impossible to catch the fish without bait.
Daniel Oh, well yeah, I had to hunt for the bait first, but I’m really good at all this kind of stuff.
Dave calculates the exact thrust he would need to propel Daniel into the stratosphere.

Just give it up Daniel, she’s not interested.
Jiff tells them they’re playing for bait and proceeds to unveil a jar of crispy crumb-free chicken nuggets soaking in watered down red PowerAde.

Daniel Yeah, I caught a jar of that last week.

The teams split into pairs. Joanna is the direction caller for the women, Butch for the men and Christy sits this one out.

The teams have to recover thirty puzzle pieces. Once they’ve done that they can remove their blindfolds and complete the puzzle. First team gets to take “home” the “McNuggetade”.
Joanna proves a reasonably effective guide for the females, despite continually referring to Shawna as Shonda, and they quickly go into a large lead over the men.
Butch is so bad he even denies the producers comedy shots of the men clumsily colliding with the females and we only see one instance of two of the male teams crunching into each other.
Butch Alan, Alex, Mitch, Matt.

Alex collects a piece, as does Matt. Alan and Mitch are proving useless though.
Butch Alex, Alex, take three steps, three more steps, just three more steps, one, two, three….four.

Now Butch could well have been confused by Matt’s latest attempt not to be seen.
In twin, black sleeveless “t’s” and khaki pants, Matt has cunningly disguised himself as Dave.

Christy does an only slightly premature dance of triumph stating, “we’re having dinner tonight”.
Well, winning the bait doesn’t necessarily equal catching fish Christie, in the same way that just because I have shoes on my feet right now, doesn’t mean I’m walking.

The bait is a good start though and when women remove their blindfolds and have the puzzle complete in quick time, handing the men their second consecutive defeat, the prize is theirs.

Back at the men’s camp, the dejected Tambiqui discuss how losing to women is difficult, even though they aren’t chauvinists. Funny how two smack downs has changed the Jaburu from “chicks” to “women”.

Day 5

The Jaburu are just finishing a pot of maggoty manioc while Jeanne goes fishing.
The McNuggetAde works a treat as Jeanne hooks a good size fish.
Now, I have zero fishing knowledge. I don’t even understand the lure of fishing (geddit?), but I do know that if you drop the fishing pole and jump up and down celebrating your catch you’ll probably lose it – Jeanne doesn’t, so she does.

Jeanne confessional: I feel better about the future now I know how to fish.

Ok, first of all, I believe we have just established that you don’t know how to fish, but hopefully you do now know how not to fish. Not sure if she means the future in general or just the future of the game, but anyhoo, I digress.

Over at Tambiqui Roger, who doesn’t like laziness, or people who can’t work as part of a team, or listening to other people, or leadership by committee instead of by dictatorship, has turned his attention to a different section of society – “the gays”.
Making all gay people sound as though they’re part of one big real estate price-dropping family that just moved in next door, Roger explains how he doesn’t like how “The Gays” flaunt themselves, doesn’t want them anywhere near him etc, etc, blah, blah, yada.

Rob views the argument that erupts between Roger and Alex with no attempt to conceal his glee.

Alex If you’re happy and you’re not hurting anyone else then who cares?

Exactly Alex. Oh and congratulations in tying Roger in knots with the “procreation only” comment.

Night envelopes the Jaburu camp with its cape of pitch, i.e. it’s bloody dark.

Deena The darkness of the Amazon is so much darker than the darkness anywhere else.

Huh?

Deena Fire really is life out here.
Jiff Thhhhaaaaaaannnnnnkk you. I’ve been saying that for years.

Joanna decides that as it’s nighttime and everyone is feeling very tired, now would be an excellent time to go all “Benny Hinn” on the rest of the tribe.
She doesn’t want to see the idol, touch it, think about it, say it’s name, hear about it , don’t bring it near her, don’t make her look about it, don’t talk about it.

Uh, you’re the only one talking about it Joanna.
She talks so fast, that when giving a confessional about the idol the following day, she appears to claim that the rains came because they bought the idol into the camp and that she believes in the Lord most Holy Ja Rule.



Day 6

Bad Decision Day

1) Voting against your alliance partner.
2) Actually saying out loud that you think the shelter could be built out of rocks.
3) Being seduced to vote off a friend by the awesome power of Lex’s gut.
4) Offering your starving tribe mates a half eaten mint.
5) “Doing Ghandia like that”.

Now, we have another moment to add to the list of bad decisions,
6) Expressing any opinion that differs from Joanna’s.


It all starts out rather peacefully with Christy and Jeanne discussing Christy feeling left out of the nightly campfire chats.
You would think this was fairly safe ground to cover really.

Jeanneconfessional: I told Christy how Joanna feels about the idol. Then I decided to run over and tell Joanna that Christy said that was stupid.
Uncle Cameraman Did she say that?
Jeanne I dunno.

The head bobbing was still there, the attitude was still there, due to inflation the single finger has been replaced by and entire hand, as we witness “Christy v Joanna” – The Kimmi v Alicia for a new Millenium.

Joanna Don’t be getting’ in my business.
Christy Huh?
Joanna Don’t be getting all in my business and in my face.
Christy wtf? I was just trying to express my opinion.
Joanna Talk to the hand – Joanna’s not listening.

Christy tries to defuse the situation by saying “we both made a mistake”.
Joanna agrees. Good, that’s that sorted then.
But wait, Joanna feels the need to point out that she only made a mistake after Christy made a mistake. She thinks this somehow makes her better, but surely this makes her worse.
Christy How would you like it if I put my hand in your face.
Joanna Well, I haven’t done anything to deserve it.

What are you Joanna, 12?
Joanna, storms off, Christy cries, we go to break, thankfully.


We’re back and finally, one of the women has a decent idea and the others decide to go along with it.
Due to a night of idol winning induced punishment rain, the women decided to put their backpacks in their supply crate.
But, on removing their packs, they find a foreign object.

Jeanne There’s something in the crate that shouldn’t be.
Janet What?
Jeanne Like you don’t know.

Ok, so it’s been established that Janet is the guilty party then?


Jenna confessional: There was a granola bar in there. Well, I don’t know if it was a granola bar because it isn’t mine, but there was some kind of bar and I don’t know if it was all gone because it isn’t mine.

Janet Is there any still in there?
Jenna Yes.

Uh, hang on a minute Jenna, you just said you didn’t know if there was any left in your confessional – GUILTY.

Jeanne I would like someone to pick it up and throw it in the fire.

Why don’t you just do it then Jeanne? Hmmm, you don’t want to touch it because you’ll remember how good the other half tasted and want to eat the rest eh? – GUILTY

Deena I could cross-examine everyone and easily find out who did it?

Aha, trying to offer your services as a super-sleuth while deflecting attention from yourself, the real culprit. Clever, very clever, but you’re so – GUILTY.

Christy looks slightly bemused by it all and even though she denies the crime, the hairy armpits she displayed on day one scream “whole foods” – GUILTY.

The bar is spiked on the end of a machete by Joanna and placed into the fire.
Hmmmm, burning the evidence, Joanna? – GUILTY.

Heidi confessional: We burned the bar because it wasn’t fair that we had it, the guys didn’t have one.

How could you possibly know that Heidi? Unless of course, a member of the production team gave you the bar, hypnotized by your cleavage. – GUILTY.

Joanna Jeanne saw the granola bar in Janet’s bag. Let’s make her confess.
Jenna Well even if she says it wasn’t her I still think it was.
Heidi Me too.
Deena Me too.
Jeanne Me too.
Shawna Me too.
Joanna Me too.

I hope the relevant authorities are watching in each of these ladies home states and will take steps to bar them from ever serving jury duty.

The “Shaggy” defense of ‘It wasn’t me” is used by all the females.
Shame this isn’t happening at the men’s camp. They’d surely be guided by ancient “fart” law and declare “whoever denied it supplied it” making them all have to take equal blame and we could just move on.

Janet I don’t know why I’m getting the blame, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Kel Gleason Welcome to my world.

Time to collect the tree mail.
Matthew agrees to accompany Alex. Dressed in matching, khaki pants, bare-chest and buff–on-the-head combo’s., one might easily suspect Matthew was Alex and vice versa, which is no doubt Matthew’s very cunning plan.

Some blah-dee-blah-dee blah poem about remembering things follows and the teams go to meet Jiffers at the challenge site.

As Shawna couldn’t remember they were in the Amazon, or that there was a rainstorm everyday, they ladies decide it might be best if she viewed this one from the bleachers.

Jiff explains that they have two minutes to explore an Amazon hut, he’ll be asking questions once the two minutes is up.
After what seemed about ten seconds (damn that crazy editing) the Survivors are called back so Jiff can get on with proceedings.
The challenge isn’t exactly the most exciting one ever.
The men do finally manage to win a challenge though and go away happy.
What’s the betting that we do get to hear Dave’s “freakin’ men of honour” speech when we visit Tambaqui during next weeks show?
At Jaburu, Christy has finally tired of getting progressively redder in the sun and really wants to go at the shelter like gang-busters.
Sadly for her the others can only muster the energy to laze about watching her.
The help she asked for eventually comes in the shape of an arm full of palm fronds gathered by Deena. She proceeds to throw them at Christy’s feet, instructing her to “build away”.
Christy has had enough of this and decides she would rather go fishing now, but please don’t think you’ll get anyone interested in coming with you Christy.
No takers? Uh,no. As soon as they get a shelter and put a roof on it and catch some fish, the place mat they took 6 days to weave will be a real boon.

Janet makes one final plea of innocence re the granola bar – she’s wasting her time.

Tribal Council

Jiff So how’s it going then Deena?
Deena We don’t have much of a fire, or a shelter and we haven’t caught anymore food.
Jiff You’re a disgrace.
Christy It’s them Jeff, they’re just lazing around.
Jenna I think it’s insulting that she would say that. I mean, I am lazing around, but how rude of her to point it out. At least I shave my pits.


On that note Jiff calls them forward to vote.
For possibly the first time ever four different people receive votes, Jenna, Christie, Jeanne and Janet. Actually seven different people if you include the votes for Jean, Jena and Krystie.
Janet is dispatched to loser lodge.
I imagine young Ryan will be none too pleased.

Next week on Survivor: Special guest director – Brian Hiedik.