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Welcome to part two of the semi-finals! Tonight Anthony Clark will reveal the final five contestants who have been selected to live in the house oí comedy, but first we get to see a recap of last weekís show. Just in case you missed one of the 600 repeats that aired on Bravo.
Anthony introduces the celebrity judges: Kathy Griffin, Garry Marshall, and Tim Meadows, who has taken a break from humiliating himself by competing on old school gameshows hosted by Ricki Lake. The judges are ready to laugh, and the 20 remaining comedians are ready to bring the funny, so without further adieu, letís get to the show!
Gabriel Iglesias: Up first tonight is moderately funny man Gabriel Iglesias. Okay, Iím being kind, as I donít find him funny at all. He tells a long involved joke about Krispy Kreme donuts, (because heís slightly overweight), and police officers, (because they love donuts), and there may have been a point in his monologue when he inferred that he was going to take the donuts home and have sex with them. I really canít support that- Krispy Kreme donuts are for ingesting only, Gabriel!
Kristin Key: Kristin wants a ghetto booty, so that she can go out on the town and shake it like a baby. What? Is it appropriate to joke about shaking a baby? She thinks having sex with a big girl must be like an adventure, and having sex with her must be like humping a bag of coat hangers. Garry Marshall gives some constructive criticism and tells Kristin that the joke would be funnier if a man made that cruel remark about copulating with coat hangers, rather than Kristin making it about herself. Well, duh, Garry! Where do you think the joke came from in the first place? Kristin then repeats her naked Mr. Burns joke, and makes her way off the stage.
Moody McCarthy: Moody doesnít like the rain, or CDs of nature sounds. And he canít figure out how to download songs to his cell phone. And, his computer screws up all the time. And, Iím bored with his shtick and eagerly await the next comic.
Ty Barnett: Ty Barnett knows that Hurricane Katrina was tragic, but thinks the governmentís cluelessness in handling the disaster was even more tragic. Obviously they havenít been watching disaster movies, since they couldnít predict it would happen. And what about Social Security? They take money away from the citizens, and tell them that it might not be available when we get oldÖ kind of like a pimp. I donít know much about pimps, but I do know a little bit about Social Security and find the comparison amusing.
Nikki Payne: Wow, Nikki Payne is just a whirling dervish of energy! She is so excited to be at the Alex Theater tonight, she even dressed up in her fanciest golf clothes. Nikki has a lisp, which impeded her career in phone sex. She grew up in a trailer and is unhappy with the way Jerry Springer portrays her people- telling us that sheís never won an argument by showing her boobies like the ladies on Springer. Then she shows us her boobies, and Iím speechless. She probably could win an argument with me that way, if only because I would be so uncomfortable after the flashing that I would just shut up and walk away. After some funny stuff with duct tape, and some repartee with the judges, Nikki skips her way off stage, and probably immediately falls into a sugar coma. Anthony Clark laughs at Nikkiís antics, and then tells us that itís not fair to laugh at people with issues like that. Right, Anthony. Thatís why I donít laugh at you.
Malik S: Damn it fells good to be a Haitian. Actually, Malik doesnít think so. People always assume that heís into voodoo, but if he were, he would certainly zap the current gas prices. Itís gotten so bad that the other day he put $20 into his truck, and the radio wouldnít even turn on. Gangs donít even do drive-bys any more- instead they just send bad emails. Heh. Gangs sending emails. Thatís funny.
Brendon (not Brandon) Walsh: Brendon would like to be back in high school because of all the student/ teacher sex that seems to go on nowadays. I went to Parochial school, and I donít think there was any of that going on, (although my computer teacher was extremely attractive. Seriously- his dad was a J Crew model). When he was young, Brendon called his penis ďSasquatch,Ē because it had only had two sightings, both by dudes. In the woods. That had to be traumatic for young Brendon.
Josh McDermitt: Josh was one of the auditioners that I remember well, (what was it, all of two weeks ago?). Tonight he tells us that he loves to fish, especially the catch and release. He likes to catch the fish, hold up the hook, take its picture, and then let it go. He also does this while hunting- he shoots a deer, holds it up by a hook, takes its picture, and then lets it go. Itís at this point in his routine that Josh loses me by saying that when he shoots a woman, he puts her on a hook, takes her picture, and lets her go. If she comes back, it was meant to be. HmmÖ no wonder you sleep in a bed with your dad, dude.
Bruce Fine: Bruce announces that the comedians tonight are getting progressively smaller, and it would be funnier if he hadnít already used that joke in his audition. You know what Bruce likes about grocery shopping? The free samples. And the bad acting by the shoppers consuming the free samplesÖ acting like theyíve never had bread before. He adds in some good stuff about the Sunday Church/ Brunch crowd, and then itís off the stage for Bruce Fine.
Rebecca Corry: Rebecca isÖ short. And spunky I guess. Her routine consists of a lot of weird grimaces, kicking, and standing in a way that makes her belly stick out really far. She jokes about being single, scoping men at the gym and then humiliating herself on a Stairmaster. During the post-performance banter with the judges, we learn that Rebecca was chaperoning some trick or treaters, (while wearing a mask- hey, if I was 4í11 and could get away with it, I would trick or treat too), and ended up at Garry Marshallís house. He gave out good candy, and she really wanted to ask him if she could come in, but wisely decided that was too creepy and stalkerish. Good choice, Rebecca.
Halfway thereÖ hang in with me!
John Fisch: John has a real David Cross vibe about him. I hope heíll be funny like David CrossÖ oh, too bad- heís not. Johnís girlfriend tells him that he gets too much sleep at night, and thatís why his body wants a nap during the day. John tells his girlfriend that she doesnít sleep enough at night, and thatís why her body wants to be a bitch during the day. Yikes! Whew- he didnít really say that to his girlfriend. I was worried there for a moment!
Bill Dwyer: Boy, does Bill Dwyer seem confident or what? He tells us that if he makes it into the house, he will be the gentle caretaker, and spend most of his time in the garden with his plants. Billís happy that he made the choice to marry a woman 18 years ago, and now that the two of them have purchased life insurance, itís all just a waiting game. He hangs out with a lot of single friends, who always tell him that theyíd trade anything to have his life, but wonít bite when he offers a dollar. Sorry Bill, I guess youíll have to raise the stakes a little. Maybe offer two dollars next time.
Stella: Stella! Stellllaaaa!! Okay, sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Stella is hugely pregnant and wearing tons of makeup, so let the fun begin! Stellaís husband used to try to get into her pants all the time, but now he just tries to get into Costco before the lines get too long. I hear yaí, Mr. Stella- those lines are killer on a busy Saturday! Stella then jokes that her husband is not really the father of her baby, and I just donít know what to say about that.
Mike Bocchetti: Mike was the tallest kid in the 5th grade. Thatís because he was 27 at the time. He wanted to go back and finish his schooling, but he hates finger painting. He once played hide and seek with his dad, and heís been missing since 1970. Mike wanted to go to the Special Olympics, but found it too competitive, and he always has sex with plastic women. There. That about covers Mike Bocchetti.
Gerry Dee: Finally some eye candy! Oops- sorry everyone who has already been shown tonight. Youíre a group of fine looking people as well. Gerry studied gym in college, and was a teacher for 9 years. His first teaching job was 12th grade history, which was a problem, since he never took 12th grade history himself. Tim Meadows wants to know if Gerry is playing a character, but Gerry insists heís 100% sincere, and the teaching situations he jokes about actually happened to him. For nine years he taught by lying. I always knew most of my teachers were frauds!
Flip Schultz: Flip loves Latina women. Especially ones who give him enormous hickeys on his neck. He doesnít understand cosmetic surgery, because isnít having Botox injections basically shooting botulism in your face? Whatís next? The Leprosy diet? Iím sure that will catch on if Oprah does a segment on her show.
Michelle Balan: Michelle seems really focused on the fact that she is the oldest semi-finalist, and tells us she wants to be the Last Comic Standing in a wheelchair. She lives in New York City, and will die in New York City, which is okay, since her apartment is the size of a coffin. She complains about the ďHigh AlertĒ terrorism status, because sheís just not able to be high and alert at the same time. Of course Michelle writes all of her own material, and when asked how long sheís been doing comedy, she replies that she started on a stagecoach. Because sheís that old.
J Chris Newburgh: J Chris has got his guitar again, and wishes he could be a rapper- a rapper wouldnít fear anything except maybe spell check. J Chris then sings a nice song congratulating a happy couple on their new baby, which ends in him telling them to control their kid, because heís trying to sleep on a plane, and the kid keeps talking to him. Sorry that I didnít do it justice, but it was actually a pretty funny bit.
Dan Levy: Iím going to be honest here. I really want Dan Levy to make it into the house. I donít remember him from the auditions, he might not even be that funny, but I just think heís adorable in his trendy glasses. And yes, Iím shallow. Danís ex girlfriend cheated on him, and when his friends all told him that it could have been worse, he replies that it only could have been worse if he walked in on her cheating, the guy she was cheating with punched him in the stomach, he went outside and found a ticket on his car, and then he turned on the radio and Creed was playing. CreedÖ thatís funny because theyíre terrible.
Doug Benson: Now I love Doug Benson. I see him almost every week on Best Week Ever, heís really funny, and seems to have a pretty regular gig, so I donít really understand whatís heís doing here. Doug tells us that heís been working on his segues and hopes the audience appreciates them. They do. He finishes up with a joke about how a baby ate his dingo, and now itís time for the long walk back to the Green Room where all the comics await their fates.
So, who makes it through to the house? Well, in true Last Comic Standing fashion, itís not who you might think. I wish NBC would stop the farce that is the audition process for Last Comic Standing and just start the season with the comics already selected. Every season I fall in love with some genius unknown comics during the auditions, and every season NBC breaks my heart by selecting less funny comics with better representation. I know this, and yet I come back time and time again. Iím a glutton for punishment.
That said- here are the lucky five: Gabriel Iglesias, (Really? And he was the audience pick? Really?), Bill Dwyer, Michelle Balan, Stella and Ty Barnett. The remaining comics in the Green Room look crushed, until Anthony announces that there is a twist. I hope the twist is that theyíre putting Gerry Dee and Dan Levy through, but Iím probably not that lucky. Anthony announces that they couldnít chose just five comics from the second group, and Kristin Key and Rebecca Corry have also been selected to live in the house and compete for the title of Last Comic Standing. Great. I just canít get enough of Rebecca Corry and her contortions!!
Tune in next week to see our comics ride around town in the smallest bus imaginable and hopefully see some very funny material.
Iím wrapping duct tape around my head in protest, but you can reach me at: SueEllenMishke@fansofrealitytv .com unless youíre Dan Levy, in which case, Iíd be happy to give out my phone number.