Janet Koth, we hardly knew ye.
Sick for the first few days, Janet never connected with her younger tribe mates. Later, she became embroiled in Granolagate, but for details on that, I’ll urge you to read Fluff’s excellent recaps.
As always, it is not my place to look backward, but instead to look ahead to the future, specifically Janet’s future. What would this quiet woman from Manchester, Missouri do with her 15 minutes of fame as a launching point?
Donning the spiked immunity necklace from Survivor: Thailand I sit, as usual, in my circle of Survivor memorabilia: Richard Hatch’s hardly worn t-shirt from the original show. Tina Wesson’s dog eared copy of the book, “How to Use the Mommy Complex to Your Advantage”. Ethan Zohn’s hacky sack. Vecepia Towery’s poetry, focusing on forgiving others for their sinful lying and cheating. Finally, of course, my Directors Cut DVD of Brian Hedik’s penultimate role playing Alvin in Virgins of the Sherwood Forest..
To view the future, I must now utter the magical Mark Burnett words of power… “Stacy Stillman is a weenie!”
Lights flash… smoke surrounds me… “Oh spirits, show me the future of Janet!”
Everything is foggy, you know, that fog that just surrounds you. A fog that envelopes your entire being. The kind of fog that makes you sit back, and say to yourself: “You know what? It’s pretty damn foggy.”
Not only that, but the fog is not clearing. I am beginning to think that perhaps Janet has no future, and that I have inadvertently locked myself into limbo forever. Before I can panic though, I see an object coming toward me… it is small and shiny… hmmm… it is a CD. Specifically, it is an AOL 1000 hours free CD.
I try to ponder what this could mean for Janet when a booming baritone voice echo’s throughout the clouds:
“I am the voice of spirits, and I before we begin tonight’s reading, I would like to offer you a free trial subscription to AOL. It really is America’s most popular online service you know.”
I am stunned. The spirits have gone to pop up ads.
“Also”, the spirit continues, “we have an excellent offer tonight only for two of these tiny little video cameras that we advertise as being home security related, but lets face, we all know you use to spy on unsuspecting women.”
“No spirit, please just show me the future.” I beg.
“Very well, but if you change your mind, do let us know.”
The clouds clear and I find myself on the set of what looks to be a television talk show. Wholesome Travel Adventures with Janet is the name of the program. I settle in to an audience seat to watch events unfold.
The announcer breaks the silence. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wholesome Travel Adventures! Here is your host, Janet Koth!”
The crowd rises to their feet, and the applause goes on for quite sometime.
They chant, Janet, Janet, Janet! She appears to be doing some kind of old Arsenio Hall hand waving as she comes out from behind the curtain. It seems clear that Janet’s show is quite popular. Janet walks to the center of the stage and addresses the crowd.
“We have a great show for you tonight. Leonardo DiCaprio is here, and he is going to talk to us about his latest vacation onboard the newest cruise line, Abstinence Cruises.”
The crowd “oooohhs” their approval.
“Also, the irrepressible George Will is in studio, and he will bring us up to date on his latest adventure.”
The crowd “aaaaahhs” this time, in anticipation of Mr. Will’s appearance. A fan next to me nudges her friend and whispers, “oh, it is so exciting when George is on…”
Meanwhile, I am thinking to myself that putting George Will and Leonardo DiCaprio on the same show to talk about travel seems a bit odd. The audience clearly likes it though, so I decide to stay and see what transpires.
Janet continues, “Before we bring out our first guest, lets review our abstinence pledge, shall we?”
Almost in unison, the assembled spectators rise to their feet. Janet says, “Those of you at home, please pledge along with us.”
“The consequences of promiscuous behavior can hit you like a truck,
I don’t want to deal with any of that bunk,
My life and my body will never get into the muck.
Because I hereby pledge that I am not going to fu…rther pollute myself”
“Alright kids, lets go to commercial break. When we comeback, Leonardo will join us!”
The director announces that we are on a break. I sit back in my chair, and ponder. That was quite a pledge. Janet has combined her love of travel with her vocation of abstinence counseling.
We return from break, and Janet calls out Leo, “Folks, you know him from Titanic, and several other films that sank faster than that ship, here he is Leonardo DiCaprio!”
The audience roars, and Leonardo walks out, looking quite happy. “Hi Janet!”
“Leo, how are you doing? Would you like a granola bar?” Janet asks, while pointing toward a large bowl of granola treats she keeps on the set.
“How was the cruise? Give us all the details.”
“Well Janet, it was great. As you know, I tried out the new Abstinence Cruise, and I loved every minute. I swam, went on bike rides, sang songs, and played Go Fish… have you ever played Go Fish while at sea on a cruise ship Janet? It is an amazing experience… playing Fish… hanging out with Fish… it was surreal… I hardly thought about sex the whole time.”
“No Leo, I haven’t played fish like that, but I will be sure to add that to my Life Goal list when I get home. You know, many of our viewers are still unaware that you are a 45 year old virgin, yet you have played a sexy hunk in many of your films. Tell us about that?”
“Yes, I have had my opportunities with the ladies, and I don’t want to sound immodest, but when you are Leo DiCaprio, chicks dig you.”
“Oooooohhhhh”, the crowd whispers, hanging on every word.
“So, yes”, Leo continues, “I have been tested, but I am saving myself for that one woman who will look past the glitz and glamour, and see the real Leo behind it. I am not giving up hope yet.
The audience cheers.
Janet extols him, “Don’t give up Leo, you will be rewarded for your patience. Now, how has being a virgin helped your career?”
“Well, I am just more relaxed on set. Why just last month, I was in Jamaica shooting a new film with J Lo, she just divorced her what… Eighth husband? Anyhow, it was easy on the set for both of us, because there wasn’t that nagging sexual energy to get in the way of our acting. I think you are going to enjoy the film.”
“But what about those rumors that you have been seen with J Lo at quite a few Manhattan night spots?” Janet replies.
Leo laughs, “I knew you would nail me on that one Janet… Yes, I have spent some time with Jennifer recently. She is really misunderstood, and just wants a man to love her for the woman she is.”
“How touching, but still no hanky panky?”
“No Janet, I am true to my pledge. I am saving myself for the woman I marry, and if that is a wholesome girl like J Lo, then I will be a lucky man indeed.”
“Juicy gossip, we’ll be keeping an eye on you mister.” Janet playfully tickles him, and Leo shrieks like a child, and runs off stage covering himself.
“Leonardo, you always know you are welcome here, you are a great guest.”
The audience returns to their feet, clearly proud of Leo and his accomplishments.
“Speaking of great guests, let’s bring out our weekly special guest, and the role model for Wholesome Travel Adventures, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, writer and commentator, George Will.”
The audience is roaring their approval, but as George walks out, they fall silent, or gasp in horror. George is wearing a woman’s teddy, stiletto heels, and has what appears to be a spiked collar and leather leash attached to his neck.
Janet is stunned. “George… what happened?”
“Janet, and the folks at home. I am coming out today and renouncing my abstinence pledge.”
“But.. but… why?” Janet attempts to recover.
“Well, I am tired of being an old fuddy duddy, and having everyone laugh at my glasses. I got Lasik surgery recently, and by gosh it was better even then that viagra. They say everyone who has that surgery is affected the same way, they just become animals… animals I tell ya!”
“Why the outfit George?”
“It’s not an outfit, it is the new me. I came it to work the day after the surgery. Jennings and Koppel cornered me in the makeup room and initiated me into the secret society. They turned me on to some bondage videos with that hottie from Joe Millionaire, and I found a whole new side of life I have been missing all of these years. It is all your fault Janet. You and your abstinence counseling.”
“But, I was only trying to help you and the youth of America.”
George cuts her off. “Let it go Janet, you know you want to let that inner woman out, and I have brought along a little friend to help.”
“No George… not the handcuffs, put them away…”
George begins chasing Janet around the studio, as she screams for the director to go to commercial.
Just then, the fog rolls back in, and off in the distance I can hear the spirit talking, “can you hear me now? Good.”
“Oh it is you. Did you find what you need?” The spirit asked.
“Yes, and now, I am ready to return.”
“But are you happy with your long distance carrier?”
I cut him off. “Just shut up spirit, and get me back home.”
Suddenly the fog clears, and I awake to find myself safely at home. Janet’s future holds many twists and turns, though I vow to keep a closer eye on that George Will guy, and to go get some Lasik done…
Until next week, may your handcuff key never be lost.
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