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Buona sera, and welcome to another results show recap. Tonight’s show features the magnificent Andrea Bocelli, so to honor him I’ve decided to do tonight’s recap in Italian. Non si preoccupi, esso non sarà affatto di migliorare in italiano. Don’t worry, it won’t be any better in Italian, and this way you can pretend it's a really, really great recap. Unless of course you actually speak Italian, in which case you’ll discover I was only mumbling something about the crappy day I had at work. Hmm, another idea that’s fruition leaves something to be desired.
Ryan bounces out on stage to announce another recording breaking vote, with 47 and a half million votes cast last night, more than any other non-finale vote ever. He introduces the “emotionally unstable” judge’s panel and mentions that FOX got some angry phone calls from Katharine’s fans after the show last night. They felt that Simon was harsh in his criticism of her performance. Simon agrees that they were unfair, when he watched it back it was better than he thought, acoustics and live performances and all that. Blah, blah, blah. Randy and Paula agree, so everyone’s relapsed with the McPheever and all’s well in Kat’s world unless she gets voted off tonight, in which case Simon’s apology will undoubtedly keep her warm at night.
On a side note Ryan announces that he and Paula are speaking, so take that People magazine! They’re just one big happy family as they pose for the cameras. “See, We DO love each other!” but I’m sure Paula is kicking Simon under the table and Ryan spit in her drinky-poo during the break, so I’m not fooled.
Tonight’s commercial adventure features the idols driving the streets in a Ford SUV looking for their lost pet, an adorable little pooch who leads them on a chase through an outdoor restaurant, complete with upturned tables and flying patrons. He runs to a little box inside a garage and the idols look inside to discover his wife and kids. *shrug* Maybe he’s just the Baby Daddy. "Love us, please! We have cuddly puppies and everything!" FOX is really pushing cutsey this year. Too bad pre-teens don't buy automobiles.
Dude, You Can Sing
It’s time for Andrea Bocelli to make his appearance, and I’m a little surprised to see David Foster back again too. I guess they work together or something. The judges give Andrea a standing ovation when he walks out. He says the idols were all good singers and it’ll be tough to follow them. He also says he’ll be touring beginning in June so everyone that’s never heard of him before last night can buy a ticket to a real concert instead of wasting their money on another idol tour. Wait a minute, did he say that? No, it was me.
Andrea sings Because We Believe from his latest album, Amor. He has a gorgeous voice but I have trouble understanding the words until I realize he’s singing half the song in Italian. I don’t understand Italian, I only speak it, so I can’t translate for you but it sounds wonderful anyway. Ryan calls the performance effortless. Bravo.
Lisa Tucker is in the audience tonight, and she’s even been wired with a microphone so she can engage in pointless banter with Ryan and beg everyone to watch her in tomorrow night’s episode of The OC. Please?
Here We Go Again
It’s time to find out who’s going home tonight. Just once I wish Ryan would read a name off the card without any hoopla or fanfare so we could get this part over with, but as usual Idol has found new and exciting ways to prolong the torture. Tonight Ryan will be dividing the contestants into three groups of two. One group has the highest votes, one the lowest votes, and one is in the middle. I’ll bet you had that figured out before I could type it, didn’t you?
Katharine is first to hear her name called. She sang I Have Nothing. Randy thought the song was too big for her, Paula thought she was out of her zone, and Simon thought the performance was cabaret but later apologized. Katharine moves to the far side of the stage.
Elliott sang A Song For You. Randy didn’t like the arrangement but loved Elliott, Paula boohooed like a baby and Simon thought it was a master class vocal. Elliott takes the center stage.
Kellie sang Unchained Melody. Randy thought she was off, Paula did not see greatness, and Simon thought it was bland and robotic. Kellie moves to the near side of the stage.
Paris sang The Way We Were. Randy thought it was good but not great, Paula thought it was the best female performance of the evening and Simon called it old-fashioned. She joins Kellie and they give each other half-hearted hugs.
Taylor sang Just Once. Randy called his performance weird karaoke, Paula thought he was born to perform, and Simon likened him to a hotel lounge singer. Taylor joins Elliott in the middle and they do a little man-bonding by knocking fists.
Chris is last, and chicks in the audience scream for him as his name is called. He grins a little. It’s obvious that he’ll be standing by Kat, but we’ll go through the motions anyway. He sang Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman. Randy thought it was amazing, Paula loved it (loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it – Oh wait, that was last night’s show), and Simon thought it was great. Chris joins Kat and gives her a handshake at arm’s length. We get it already, you’re no woman hugger.
Ryan hems and haws at center stage. He’s going to make it easier for one of the groups. Elliott and Taylor can take a seat. They do various hand clasping motions to the crowd and Jesus and take a seat after hugging Kellie and Paris. They aren’t afraid to hug, but then they’re single, and after all, Kellie is a mink.
After another interminable barrage of commercials we’re back. Ryan says that one of these two groups got the highest number of votes, and one group got the lowest number. Chris and Katharine are safe, so evidently they received the highest number of votes this time around. Chris does hug this time – everyone in sight. Katharine’s parents erupt into cheers from the audience and Chris’ band mates grin.
That leaves Kellie and Paris standing onstage. Paris is all poise and smiles, but Kellie looks like she’s in shock. Ryan turns to best friend Paula and asks her opinion of the two on stage. Paula says all six remaining contestants are great. She feels Paris gave the best female performance last night, but somebody has to go home. Ryan comments that Kellie hasn’t been in the bottom tier before and she replies “There’s a first time for everything.” Paris is quick to point out that this is the first time she’s been in the bottom two. This is the first time there’s been a bottom two, but we won’t mention that. Paris gets a laugh from the audience and unbelievably, it’s Kellie who’s going home! Woot, I am amazed! Idol does have a surprise or two up it’s sleeve this season after all.
Kellie gets a long “journey story” that includes every folksy saying and double entendre we’ve endured this season. She doesn’t cry, but she does thank everyone from the “Kellie fans” to the camera guys, and she’s still rambling when the 19Entertainment logo flashes on. The last thing I hear, or ever hope to hear from Miss Pickler, is “Cut.”
Well, that’s it for another week of Idol. There was no time to discuss next week’s show but I’m sure it’ll be another week of tears and pouting, and we’ll see the contestants again, too!
Andrea Bocelli made the idols seem like rank amateurs. Oh wait, they are. Email me at Dinahann@fansofrealitytv.com