Welcome to another edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Panama: Exile Island! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
OhmyGod I’m totally not the one that won’t stop talking. It’s Terry. And Shane. And Bruce. And, well, everybody besides me. They’re all a bunch of always talking idiots. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap…yap. And I did shut my mouth while I was fire dancing for you all last week. How come no one remembers that when they’re deciding who’s most annoying? I mean, that challenge was soooo cruel, wasn’t it? Totally. Aren’t you listening to me? Come on. I’m not as annoying as Terry….am I? I mean, at least I’m not bragging about my navy pilot triumphs day in and day out. And I’m not the one sharing too much info while I talk about how I haven’t dealt a deuce in two weeks. Sheesh. Although, I do feel badly for Bruce. Poor guy. He was in sooo much pain. I tried to focus some Gaia energy for him by cleaning his rock garden and writing him love notes in the sand, but I guess it didn’t work. Two weeks without taking a dump. Damn, that’ll take it’s toll on you. Well, at least I’m still here and loving life.
What a bitch! All those nights I spent cuddling up to her, keeping her warm and dry, and making sure Courtney stayed over in her corner - for what?! So she can pick Aras and Danielle, friggin' Danielle of all people, over me for the reward? Un-freaking-believable. You think you know people, and they turn around and stab you in the back like that. It's not like I ask for much around here. I just wanted a helicopter ride and a damned sandwich, is that too much to ask for? Is it?! They pissed me off enough during the challenge, I do not need this crap too. That's alright, Cirie. If I can hunt down Courtney after the show, I can find where you live, too. Between these crazy women and this damned rash, this place is going to drive me insane. Huh? I heard that, Courtney! Don't make me come over there!
Damn, my cover has been blown! There I was, trying to be as useless and unnoticeable as possible, and Cirie goes and takes me on the reward with her. I got beaten to a pulp by Mr. Massage-with-Meat-Hammers man, and now everyone's remembered I'm there! This is not good. I'd have sooner stayed at camp, where I'm sure I could have been even more useless than Shane when the medics needed help carrying Bruce off. Now Shane has his crazed, bloodshot eye on me, so I think I'm going to have to rearrange my strategy. I'm going to have to take Shane down. Maybe by suffocating him with my breasts? He's so bony, it wouldn't be that hard. just "accidentally" roll over on him in the night. But then, I'd have to get near him. And, like, touch him. Hmm. I'll have to think about this one. Thinking is so hard.
It was a relief for me not to have to continue my immunity streak, but I really wish it had been Shane with the blocked bladder and colon. I’ve spent plenty of time in locker rooms with naked men. Having to look at Naked Shane is making me ill though. Good God man put on some pants. I don’t care if you are suffering from crotch rot. The rest of us are experiencing eye rot. Hell, I’d prefer to spend time with Richard Hatch au natural. When I get home, I’m going to use part of my million dollars to construct a zen rock garden as a tribute to Bruce. I miss the sensei. After all, he was my only friend left. That’s okay though. I’m confident I can continue to win immunity or use my little friend if I lose by chance. I had so much fun watching Courtney get hers at the reward challenge. Returning to Exile Island was kind of a relief. At least there no one was asking me what was wrong and I had time to think and polish up my karaoke list. I’m thinking Seasons in the Sun or maybe the theme from Days of Our Lives to torment Aras tonight.
I stared into Shane's crazy eyes, watching his pupils dance like the bouncing ball in a sing-along, and just knew........I was going to have to kill him. Perhaps not today. Not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of his life. I mean....soon, and with the blunt edge of a coconut husk. Or with his own, diseased, shorts. He'd lie there at night, snoring in that "chirp/whistle, chirp/whistle, chirp/snort" pattern that Courtney finds so adorable, and I'd reach up and unwind his shorts from the hut roof, creep slowly over to his tatooed form, and gently suffocate him with his own man-essence. I assure you, the smell alone has caused my knees to buckle on more than one extended sun salutation. In fact, he may not need to die. His shorts may just act as a sort of, island-chloroform, and put him out long enough to cause his exit. But I assure you, I did not come to this decision lightly. On my way back from the delicious reward with my earth sisters Danielle and Cirie, I took a small moment to go within and consult Yoyo. I said, "oh Powerful Yoyo, if Thou would like me to smite Shane, please, let the tide come in tonight." And the tide came in. So he will be smote. Gone. That's right, Fate's deli-line is "now serving" number S-H-A-N-E. Yeah, I know there were no numbers there. I'm not going crazy. Just because I lost TWO of my nighttime companions, Bruce *wimper* and Sally, doesn't mean this game is getting to me. I'm still strong! But I must now go, and see what the clams have to say about Danielle.
Ouch! Between laughing so hard at the reward challenge and eating so much during the reward, I think I busted a gut. I just couldn’t help myself at the challenge. It was so damn funny to see Courtney get a little clue about how everyone else sees her. That girl has the self awareness of one of the rocks in Bruce’s Zen garden. And, they’d trust me with their lives? What? Dumbasses. Cirie is all about Cirie. Cirie could have taken Shane on the reward but damn. I have two kids at home. I didn’t need a pouty one along on my helicopter ride. He would have ruined my Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous moment and I would have had to listen to him talk about Boston nonstop. Boston this; Boston that. Blah, blah, blah. Besides that image of him on his knees begging was deeply disturbing. It made Cirie think that’s the only way he can get a woman to pay any attention to him. I may have made a mistake coming out from under the radar, but it was well worth it. Just remember that real women and their dolls have curves. And, this real woman is in the final six.
Oooooh. I really shouldn't have eaten those cheeseburgers at the last challenge. Or all of that bacon, and croissants. I knew something terrible would happen around here eventually. So much bad karma in this place! I tried to bring good spirits to camp with my Zen garden, but I was surrounded by craziness. Shifty, beady eyes everywhere. Even as I lay on the ground, writhing in pain, I heard a horrible sound - but it was only the young grasshopper with the strange hair singing. Had to make her stop, I did. Then, when they were carrying me out, I must have been hallucinating. I could have sworn I saw a scary, naked man next to me, and thought he kissed me on the forehead! Must have been the pain. Yes. I have learned a lesson from this, however - man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything, but man who eats too much protein with no fiber finds big trouble.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Critical, Dinahann, hepcat, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, Shazzer, speedbump, SueEllenMishke, Suncat7, totoro, waywyrd and Yardgnome77.