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Thread: The Bachelorette Finale - Follow the Smiling Shamu

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    The Bachelorette Finale - Follow the Smiling Shamu

    Follow the Smiling Shamu


    Well I’m going back to the beginning, and repeat what I said at the beginning of the show. Here’s what to I had to say about the boys before it aired:

    Ryan - Our double star bonus ** A firefighter from Fort Collins Co. As we all know at the FORT, Fort Collins guys are da bomb. No alarms in bio – Rating – oh yeah!!!

    Charlie - No one under 50 calls himself Charlie. Spending time on the beach, studying the markets. Must have wireless access on the laptop. ZZZZZzzzz. He better be lively in person.- Rating- so so

    Well Ryan turned out not to be from Fort Collins, but Vail. After the show, my rating is still oh yeah!! Charlie turned out to be studying the markets because he didn’t have a job. He wasn’t that lively in person. That hair had to go. Rating: Goodbye slickboy!

    I miss Bob. That being said, I have to say I liked Charlie for Trista from the start. I revoked Ryan’s mancard weeks ago! Bad poetry. Blah. Tiger painting. Blah. More bad poetry. Blah. Charlie may be slick, but he and Trista seemed a good fit. Ryan is genuinely sweet in that icky, mushy, walk-all-over-me kinda way. Obviously, that’s what Trista prefers…for now. Anyway, I’m going to let you get back to your recap. I don’t really have much to say this week as I find it excruciatingly difficult to even stay awake through this show anymore. Sad, but true. So Eny, tell me more. I bet it’s easier to pay attention through the recap than through the actual episode.

    For some reason at the first of episode recap, we had to look at Russell again. Not quite sure why. Maybe it is to make the other two guys look good. Of course, we were promised the most dramatic finale ever. Because of the previous two versions that should not be hard at all.

    We are treated to seeing Trista and Shamu waking up in the morning with no makeup. How cruel is that? They should show pictures to Ryan and Charlie of Trista with no makeup on. She repeated that she and Charlie had a connection from the beginning. He is romantic, affectionate and she knew he would take care of me. They then showed Ryan hustling Trista to the limousine saying to the driver “faster than normal. I will pay the ticket” on the fantasy date. Funny stuff!! Did I mention I like Ryan, even though he’s not Bob?

    Mmmmm…. Bob. I can understand you liking Ryan. He’s nice. He’s the only firefighter I’ve ever seen that I thought needed protecting though. He seems so freakin’ fragile! He’s no Bob…

    Trista now has to bring both guys home to meet mom and dad. Remember these poor parents have already had to sit through dinner with Alex, and now she’s dragging two more home. I’d be asking if she had ever considered a less complicated way of dating.

    Sing it, sister! No truer statement has ever been made! Trista brings a whole new meaning to “high maintenance.” Speaking of high maintenance, on to Charlie.

    Charlie gets to St. Louis first. “Hi sweetheart” says Charlie, as they are whisked off to the botanical gardens where they fed the ducks. Uh yeah-exciting stuff. Then in it was off to mom, dad’s and step mom’s .The two moms think Charlie is hot, and dad wants stock market tips. We find out that Charlie is at a crossroads, which translated means he is currently unemployed. We never do find out what the present is he brought.

    He’s not employed!!! How in the world did I miss that this whole time!? I know SlimyRuss was a mooch, but I had no idea that Chuck was a mooch, too! Oh all the missed opportunities to rag on more than Charlie’s hair… I swear, ABC did a great job of passing out false rumors. I know I heard that Chuck was the six figure income man!

    At dinner, Charlie is treated to a bowlful of questions. Yum! They are really probing questions like “what time do you get up?”, “what is under your bed?”, and the most important one “what if your wife made more money than you?” I can only assume they asked that last question because Charlie does not have a job. In fact, Charlie appears thrilled at the prospect of his wife making more! He says he wouldn’t even mind staying home to be Mr. Mom. This prompts Dad to ask for Charlie’s last four years 1099s to see if in fact he has ever worked.

    Not necessarily a bad idea, dad. Obviously, your daughter has a penchant for poverty stricken men!

    For some unexplained reason Mom and Dad and step mom choose this time to show Charlie the most embarrassing picture ever of Trista. Don’t you hate when your parents do that to you? Poor Trista with a face full of braces in full teen gawkiness and dark brown hair. Well, shock of all shocks, she isn’t a natural blonde. To make up, the next question was just as embarrassing for Charlie. “Besides your face what other part of your body do you shave?” Surprisingly instead of laughing it off, which 99.9% of people would have, he ANSWERS, “Well I clip my chest hair with Clippers.” Ewwwww, I don’t know about the family, but that is way more information than I wanted.

    Yeah, I didn’t need to know that either. There are some things we just know without ever really needing to hear it out loud. But you know, if we think he spends a lot of time fixing the hair on his head can you imagine how much time he must spend to sheer down that fur coat?! Bluck. Continue.

    The parents seem really impressed with Chuck. Dad even says at dinner “what about this Ryan guy?” They all laugh nervously and then they invite him back the next day before Ryan gets there. Trista then takes Charlie back to her hotel room, and gives him the “I am going to sleep with anyone if I want to” line. Even after that statement, Charlie has a gut feeling about what he has just accomplished with Trista and her family. Catch a clue guy, no wonder your old girlfriend could cheat on you under your nose. I think you spend too much time propping up the old ego. He is still very cocky, even when sent on his way with his little knapsack full of hair gel.

    You GO, Trista! Nice way to rationalize to yourself that you can sleep with two men within a 24 hour period. “When I’m with you, you have my whole heart.” But outta sight, outta mind, buddy! You don’t think those tests for diseases prior to the show were for nothing, do ya?

    Next up is Ryan. He gets out of the limousine and receives a big smoochy kiss and hug. “I missed you” they coo, and then get a very nice riverboat date. Ryan asks her where he stands and exclaims how he has emptied and out his heart and soul. He asks why this is so one-sided and says it hurts not to know. I want to confess everything and I’m not even there! Trista says, “You’ve been on my mind” and snuggles closer to Ryan. Too bad Ryan! You aren’t going to get any info from Trista. At least this is way better than the duck routine that Charlie got.

    I still grow nauseated when I think about this scene. If it’s not bad enough that we have to suffer through Trista’s baby voice, now Ryan has started to follow suit with a baby voice of his own. Most annoying couple EVER! Makes me think of the Seinfeld, “No YOU’RE schmoopy” episode. Ick! How did Ryan do with the parents?

    At mom, dad’s, and step moms, Ryan puts on his best “aw shucks” routine. The family had been very taken by Charlie, so Ryan really had to work it. He tells them he had played football, and then took his EMT training. He loves being a firefighter, and post 911, every Mom and Dad is very impressed by that for sure. (Ding Ding Ding!) Trista then tells how Ryan painted her a white tiger and about his poems. They comment on how different Ryan is from Charlie, but you can tell they are impressed. The questions are even different, too. For example “how does he complete you?”

    Step mom observes that Ryan is a “gentle soul.”
    Ryan says, “I don’t want someone like me; she compliments me.”
    Step mom says Ryan is a special spirit, and I am thinking Ryan has Step mom in the bag. But wait, Ryan then says that Trista is the inspiration for his poetry. Now real mom wants to cry. Dad says Ryan “blows him away” because he’s so open. Oh, the whole family is easy pickings now.

    OMG! My family would have torn this guy apart! At the mere mention of poetry and paintings, he would have been laughed out of his chair! Now, a guy can write you poetry and you can tell your girlfriends, but think about it. Do you tell your DAD?! Unless this guy is Shel freakin’ Silverstein and making a pot of gold for every poem, you keep that mushy crap to yourself! I spent so much time rolling my eyes through this dinner that today, I have a headache. Okay, continue if you must.

    Ryan then comes into the room and asks dad if he can propose. He says it is uncomfortable because it is the first night they have met. Dad says we both truly love Trista, but you must realize she has a difficult choice. He then says if he is the one chosen, that he would be accepted wholeheartedly.

    Well, that was uncomfortable to watch…

    Trista puts Ryan in the limo and goes back to get the family’s truthful opinion. Step mom exclaims she is glad that she is not Trista; mom says Ryan is a doll. They then discuss Charlie and began saying he was outgoing, intelligent and had charisma. Trista says she didn’t want to give either of them the wrong impression like Alex did with her... Dad then lets Trista know that Ryan had asked his permission to marry her if it came to that. Trista leaves to rescue Ryan in the limo and then Dad says I could absolutely see Trista marrying Ryan. Trista is still saying she wants both of them. Sorry honey, the authorities frown on that kind of thing.

    Indeed they do, Eny! But Trista, honey, don’t let that whole proposal thing stop you from sleeping with TWO guys within 24 HOURS!!! And the fact that you are going to possibly be engaged in 3 DAYS shouldn’t make you feel bad about doing it. (That was sarcasm. Extreme sarcasm. See, more eye rolling from me.)

    The next day Trista gets to go visit her good friend Harry Winston. I think it is very weird to be picking out an engagement ring and not to know who the groom is, but hey, I guess I’m just an old-fashioned girl. She even repeats the fact that the black cloud is that I can’t be with both of them. The girls in the store are like “OK whatever …”

    Clearly Trista is NOT old fashioned. Oooh, pretty rings!!

    Charlie shows up for his last date, knapsack in hand and with a dessert. Trista asks, “On a relaxed evening, what would you do?” Charlie starts into the kisses .He then says he wants to let himself go, but he is going to have to put a lot of faith in Trista. She say’s you know what? I like you in blue. Charlie’s ego soothed, he forgets his train of thought. Charlie is now sure she has her mind made up and it is him that she has chosen. According to reality show protocol, this is a definite hint it is not Charlie. He wants to stay and talk about what other clothes he looks good in, but Trista gives him the boot. She says, “Thanks for coming tall boy.” I am surprised she doesn’t punch him in the arm. Chuck has no clue.

    I had no clue either! I was SURE Trista and Charlie were a coup! The absolutely seemed so natural together! When Trista and Charlie were together, they seemed very comfortable. Maybe that was the problem. Charlie is like every guy Trista has ever been with. Obviously, those guys never worked out, so she’s trying something new with Ryan. Poor Ryan… Poor Charlie. Poor Bob.

    On Ryan’s last date, Shamu is there to greet him, and this brings out one of those dazzling smiles, and those eyes! I used to date those eyes and well umm nevermind , just one of the many stupid things I screwed up on. He asks what she wants him to do in the kitchen. Trista replies “just look cute” (Ryan can come and just look cute in my kitchen anytime!)

    I’m pretty sure that the only thing Ryan does in the kitchen is drink tea, write poetry and bake cookies. This guy just does nothing for me. He’s cheese incarnate.

    Ryan says she drives him crazy. They then cuddle and just sit and gaze at each other. Ryan says “I hate leaving you; I will even sleep on the couch.” He then drops the big bomb by saying he has spent two nights and woke up with her. Woo hoo! That is quite an admission for primetime!

    Hey Ryan, ask Chuck how many nights he has spent with Trista.

    Both of the boys then pay a visit to Harry Winston, oddly or perhaps rightly, they both pick the ring that Trista did. Oh my this is getting exciting, but what happens to the other ring? The salesgirls wave the boys goodbye. I think Ryan has got them in his corner.

    Well, it is finally the end. Both of them are shown in getting dressed. (I must say Charlie looks so much better without a ton of grease on his head.) You can tell that it is really the end, because they have flowers floating in the pool.

    I thought Chuck was looking hot. False confidence is so attractive on him, huh? And I’ll give it up for Ryan here. The cheese looked pretty good. A little nauseous, but good nonetheless.

    Trista has her final meeting with RoboChris. She says she is so proud of her dad, and the fact that Ryan had talked to her dad about the proposal - gave him big points.
    Trista then says she is going to be sharing her feelings with both of them, but not planning what she is going to say. Robo then leaves her to watch the last of begging videos. Charlie’s up first, saying he had a great time in St. Louis, and all he desires is her heart. All I can see is Charlie’s greasy hair . When Ryan’s video is played she has a big smile, I’m not even quite sure what he said, I was too busy watching Trista. She says she can finally tell him what she feels, but is sorry she is going to cause someone pain. Right now, this is causing me a lot of pain.

    Me too. Me too.

    While the limo arrives, and Charlie is out first. (There are big screams at my house)I had my eyes closed, and then when the screaming started I knew it wasn’t Ryan out first. Yay!!!

    I was certain that ABC had switched things up to keep it fresh. Nope, same old story as The Bachelor 1 and 2. Losers first, please. I am shocked. Still.

    Trista is very nice when she is dropping the bomb on Charlie. She starts out by saying, “The first time I saw you, I heard a tiny little voice that said you were the right one. Unfortunately my heart has led me another way. I’m sorry.” Charlie looks stunned. Not only does she hear voices, but she ignores them. He was so sure he was all that. Great recovery with clichés “I wish you nothing but the best” and “I only wanted to be with you if you wanted to be with me”. “I’ll miss you sweetheart.” Charlie looks cool calm and collected. His ego hurt more than his heart, he directs the driver to Mulholland to cruise, while he’s dressed up and still has the limo.

    I’m going to cut him some slack. He was obviously shocked, but at least he didn’t recite bad poetry for the last 6 weeks. Oh, sorry Ryan.

    Now it’s time for Ryan’s entrance. The guys look kind of silly coming down the stairway. Girls pull it off so much better. Trista gives a lovely speech about how she dreamed of him all of her life, and of babies and grandbabies. Ok you got me sniff sniff I love you. Ryan looks a little stunned but recovers long enough to get a kiss. Ryan gets down on his knees and does the “will you marry me." And she the will you accept this rose? They stand holding each other tightly. I love you. No I love you, but I love you more

    I was not feeling the love. The proposal seemed awkward. Sweet? yes. Awkward? Yes. Oh and Ryan… ask Trista what she was doing with Charlie a couple of nights ago. I distinctly remember a “Do Not Disturb” sign. But you go on with your proposal. Please continue.

    At least it’s a better than the ending to the other two. Even if it wasn't Bob. Even a cynical person like me has to be happy for them. So much for baby Chuck.. Now we know that it definitely was ABC spreading those rumors on the boards. Well done ABC spin doctors!

    I’m so glad it wasn’t Bob! Bob needs to stay single! But yes, kudos to ABC for spreading rumors so that we here at the FORT could be mislead.

    Tune in tomorrow, and see Aaron throw insults at his now former fiancée Helene. He is really ticked that he spent all that money on the ring. We told you, you should have let the network pay for it, but did you listen? – No.

    Now THIS I’ve got to see!

    As always you can reach us for roses or insults at enygma@fansofrealitytv.com or sher@fansofrealitytv.com. We are really glad so far we have gotten far more roses then insults!!
    Last edited by eny; 02-21-2003 at 11:31 AM.

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