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Last week on Blow Out, Jonathan pimped it up on QVC and did battle with Zorbit Scott for the title, “Biggest Asshat on the Planet.” Round One was pretty much a draw, but I’m sure we’ll see a rematch soon enough. Tonight, Jonathan will put Scott and Clarissa to the test and work a photo shoot for Bacardi where he’ll butcher the product name eight ways to Sunday.
Up first tonight: Jonathan running around like a crazy person while getting ready and rambling on Rain Man-style about his hair. Do you think he does this when the cameras aren’t around? Me too. From what I can tell, there’s a new, top secret product coming out called Silky Dirt that Jonathan is smearing all over his head. Not so secret now that he’s cleverly told all of us…so we can rush off to Sephora and demand it.
We’re in the car again, hearing all about Jonathan’s life, as if anything else matters. This morning, Jonathan's headed off to the Beverly Hills salon. He wants to check in with his people, see how they’re doing and (most importantly) find out if anyone watched him on QVC. Hey, have you noticed how empty the Beverly Hills salon has been this season? Kiara, Alyn and some other stylist are working, but there’s a huge bank of chairs that are empty. Time for another mass hiring event. Turn-over at this place is worse than Hollywood Video. Maybe if he hires some new people, they’ll actually watch him when he’s on QVC.
You’re my Bitch, Bitch
Jonathan touches base with Scott, who is, it seems, taking Jonathan’s advice to dress and act more professional. To Scott, “professional” must mean “wears glasses” because that’s about the only change I see. They discuss the fact that Clarissa will be out for the day and Scott will be subbing as Jonathan’s
bitchassistant. Scott’s excited about the opportunity….much like Scott is excited about lunchtime.
Jonathan’s first client of the day comes in with very long hair and then tells him that she wants to keep the length. I always wonder what the point of getting a $600 haircut is if you’re just getting a trim. That’s about what I paid for my first car (and NO, it wasn’t new). If I paid that much for a haircut, I’d probably carry a neon sign that asked “How do you like my haircut?” Plus, I wouldn’t be paying that amount of money to have Scott shampoo and blow dry. Jonathan says that this was a good opportunity to see how Scott has progressed on his skills.
A Great Hair Opportunity
After all that work (*sarcasm*), Jonathan sits down to make a business call to Bacardi. He’ll be doing a photo shoot for Bicardi Limon. The shoot will feature three very different looks for three cities. Jonathan will be going right from the shoot to the airport, so he tells the Bacardi guy that things might get a little crazy…..as opposed to the normally sedate photo shoots he usually does. Jonathan tells us that, like Batman, he is always on the lookout for a signal to come deliver hair assistance. Just to keep you up to speed with the comparisons, this season, Jonathan has compared himself to: DeNiro, Picasso and Batman.
Anti-Climactic Round Two
The next day, at the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan talks to Rob Lee about Zorbit Scott. After last week’s blow out (ha!), Jonathan’s trying to forget Scott ever existed. No deal. Rob says that Scott wants to pitch another idea, but Jonathan’s over it: he announces that he’s going to design his own box. Sadly, Rob talks him out of this idea. “Sadly” because I would love to see the box Jonathan would come up with….because then I could make fun of it in this recap.
Jonathan agrees to go to Zorbit to meet with Scott, but only if Rob goes along to be a calming influence. Either that or to pull Jonathan off of Scott after he flips out again. Scott walks into the room carrying a shoebox. No, not a nice, pristine shoebox: it’s a shoe box that I could have pulled out of my closet. It’s all scuffed up, with price tags on it. Jonathan removes his sunglasses in anticipation of the ensuing brawl. Jon stands up and starts to flip out (“It’s a %^$& shoe box, dude!”). Scott starts talking about how this is a concept, but Rob tells him to stop messing around. Scott then opens the shoe box and pulls out the actual packaging. It is good.
Jonathan takes one look at the box and, yes, he starts to cry. He loves it. He loves Scott. He loves himself. To his credit, Jonathan apologizes for prematurely flipping out. He hugs Scott and cries some more. Really though, why Scott thought the shoe box gag was a good idea is beyond me. Jonathan could just have easily clocked him with the shoe box and fired his ass.
The Acid Test
In the office at the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan tells Rosie that he will be teaching a cutting class there that night. He wants her to make sure that all the salon assistants, especially Scott and Clarissa are there. Jonathan tells us that the class will actually be the final exam for Scott and Clarissa to become stylists and they have no idea.
Here comes another long-haired client for Jonathan who wants no length taken off. She tells him that she’s going on an audition and I wonder if this is actually it. If you were a struggling actress, wouldn’t you pay $600 to get your mug on a show on Bravo? In the end, her hair looks great and she mugs it up for the camera – casting directors take note.
While he’s working on this client, Jonathan tells Nikki that she’s got the night off: he’ll be teaching the cutting class instead. Clarissa starts to flip out a bit, telling us that it’s always more nerve wracking when Jonathan teaches the cutting classes. I believe it. Remember Kimberly’s “final exam” to become a stylist? I was ready to throw down the comb and scissors and stomp out in tears. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but he does get a wee bit intense at times.
News of the cutting class makes it way to the Beverly Hills salon, where Scott takes the news like a patient being told he needs a colonoscopy. He’s not happy about it, but he’s going to soldier on bravely. I can’t remember what else happened with that because Jason (*insert dreamy music*) was in the shot and I went to my happy place.
Making the Cut <----lame, I know
It’s time for the cutting class and you can feel the tension. Jonathan tells the assistants that he’ll be teaching the long, layered cut that he gives every bloody customer who walks into his salon (<----once again, just giving you the subtext there). This will be the first time for most of the assistants, but not for Scott or Clarissa. Jonathan then announces that this will be the final exam for Scott and Clarissa. Scott looks like a bunny rabbit in headlights (which is more scared than a deer, really). Clarissa just gives us an “Oh crap.”
Scott tells us that he’s been doing shampoos and blow-dries for a while now and he really wants to prove to Jonathan that he’s ready to become a stylist in his own right. Or rather, that’s what Scott said after I removed all the “likes” from what he said and translated it into English. He’s a cutie but, man, he talks just like a 14 year old girl…..not that there’s anything wrong with that if you are a 14 year old girl.
The cutting begins and Jonathan hovers over Scott and then Clarissa. About half way through the hair cuts, Jonathan stops everyone and calls them over. He then makes Scott and Clarissa trade models and scissors. Jonathan tells us that this will be like someone playing in the US Open with someone else’s racket. Again with the wildly inappropriate analogies. So, Billie Jean King and Jon McEnroe get to work finishing each other’s cuts. This is so dramatic. Jonathan says that he wants to make sure his stylists can handle pressure. To that end, he tells the other stylists to hover around as well – just in case those two aren’t nervous enough.
Jonathan counts down the time remaining and he checks both cuts. He finds a few little errors, but they’re pretty good. Once the models are blow-dried, Jonathan checks everything again and sends everyone home….not so fast, Scott and Clarissa. Jonathan tells them he has something he needs to talk to them about. It seems that he found these business cards up at the front desk….yes, off course they’re now stylists and these are their new business cards. As if you had any doubt. There are hugs and tears all around and they all go skipping through the daisies. *fah-lah-lah* You know what this means: once again, Jonathan is in the market for a new
Rhymes with Simon
Next up for Jonathan is the photo shoot for Bacardi Limon (I think there’s an accent in there somewhere and I’m choosing to ignore it) where he’ll be doing three completely different styles for the same model. After the shoot, Jonathan heads off to LAX to fly to Hawaii for a Sephora event.
Once he arrives at the photo shoot, Jonathan meets Brandon, the producer and some other assorted stuffed shirts from Bacardi. What follows is this whole conversation about the shoot and what they want, with Jonathan mispronouncing the name of the product five hundred times. Any child of the 80’s knows that “l-i-m-o-n” rhymes with “Simon” – we learned that from Sprite commercials. Apparently, Bacardi pronounces it “Lee-moan” and everyone looks highly offended at Jonathan’s blunder. He asks them if he can still pronounce it “Lie-mon” if the hair looks great. Crickets…..
Jonathan Antin is Not Mother Nature
Just as Jonathan is getting the model’s hair ready for the first set up, in walks Charlie Altuna, a wardrobe stylist who has known Jonathan since before Jonathan’s memory got fried from all that hair product. The two of them reminisce about old times as Jonathan continues working on the model’s hair. They also talk about the look for the shoot and, of course, Jonathan says “lie-mon” another 800 times. One of the Bacardi flacks has to come over and correct him again….and I roll my eyes, wondering how in the world that actually matters.
The first look – Miami – is done and the model has squeezed herself into something resembling a bathing suit. Really, it’s more like a few bands of elastic and a key ring, but I guess that’s the style in Miami. Everyone looks pleased with the hair and they all head over to the poolside set. Jonathan shocks Charlie with the news that he has actually procreated. Charlie is appropriately horrified. On the set, the model does her thing and the photographer does his thing, which includes saying things like “Get in there, bitch.” I’m not sure if he was talking to the model or to the guy posing as a waiter….or Jonathan.
Soon enough, it’s time for the New York look. Earlier, Jonathan was told that this look would include a dark suit. Now, the model will be wearing a tiny yellow cocktail dress. The hair Jonathan had planned is all wrong now. *cue dramatic music* What will he do? Please. In no time at all, Jonathan’s got a bangin’ new idea for the hairstyle. Of course, his new ‘do – a sort of intricate pony tail deal – is fab and everyone loves it.
The final look – Los Angeles – is up next and the Bacardi people want a Veronica Lake-ish finger wave vibe. Jonathan tells us that this hairstyle takes at least 2 hours and he has only 30 minutes. Add to the pressure the fact that Jonathan has to catch a flight to Hawaii in 20 seconds and it’s really windy up on the roof where the final shot is being set up. Of course, the hair gets finished and of course, everyone loves it. All of the Bacardi people are happy and Jonathan takes off to catch his flight. On the way to the airport, Jonathan tells us how tired he is. Through his exhaustion, he manages to get in some self-congratulatory stuff about how he did the “hardest hairstyle in the world” in 15 minutes, which is something that no one else in the world could do.
Next week Jonathan heads to Hawaii to launch the new water filters at Sephora (read: to play some golf on the company dime) and *sob* goes to the shrink.
Critical@fansofrealitytv.com may need a job, but she's not deperate enough to apply for the job opening at Jonathan Salon.