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Hello everyone…Last night we saw our favorite boy bander, at least available boy bander, take down the others with his masterful culinary skills. Tonight we have quite the show in store for us, a whole slew of barely known D-list celebrities cooking up a storm. Tighten your apron strings and get ready for some of the most uncomfortable cooking you will ever see.

Save a Horse, Grill some Kobe-Style Beef
The show kicks off with the only Seaver willing to show their face on this humiliating show. He introduces us to the celebrities who will be cooking tonight. First up we have Tom Arnold, known basically for being married to Roseanne Barr at some point in his life. He is teamed up and with Wolfgang Puck and his ready to impress his wife with his new kitchen skills. Tom will be preparing a scalloped corn casserole with apple-smoked bacon, prime beef burgers with Gorgonzola, and molten chocolate cake with whipped cream. I am already in love with this food, anything with Gorgonzola wins my palette and heart.

The next contestant is straight from the pageant scene, Miss USA herself Chelsea Cooley. I really know nothing about her and therefore have nothing witty to say except she is already annoying me with her trying to be too perfect attitude. She will be cooking with Iron Chef Cat Cora, who by the way is one of my favorite Iron Chefs. Chelsea will be trying to wow the judges with her menu of charred Kobe-style beef with Asian pear slaw, spicy tuna and asparagus roll, and green tea parfait with kiwi and cashews. This also sounds good but lacking Gorgonzola so not nearly as good.

The last person who will be showing off their culinary expertise or lack there of is Big Kenny from the country group Big & Rich. He arrives in the stadium looking like Slash from an old Guns & Roses video ready to cook. He is paired with unknown chef Govind Armstrong. Kenny is already giving me the impression that he could potentially be drunk therefore making this show good. Big Kenny is hoping to make a BIG impression with Dungeness crab with white asparagus, seared Kobe-style beef with potato mousseline, and finishing with fried cookies and cream. I have no idea what fried cookies and cream is but I can almost guarantee that I would love it.

Check out the Meat
Time to get the celebrities cooking, before we can start our annoying host informs us that the make-shift chefs will have 50 minutes to complete their food and the countdown clock is being sponsored by Country Crock side dishes. That seems like a weird thing to sponsor but whatever to get your name out there. Right?

The bell sounds and all the cooks get to their assigned areas and start cutting, chopping, sautéing, and handing off their tacky hats to their wives. Chelsea is working on chopping in her kitchen when the crowd starts to chant, “Here we go Chelsea, here we go.” She joins them in their cheer and I become extremely embarrassed for her. Kenny notices right away that he is missing his white asparagus and potatoes, he runs off to the pantry to find them. These seem like odd ingredients to hide, why not remove the obscure seasoning that will make or break the dish. They really should let me write for reality shows.

Tom seems to be getting off to a wet start, you read that right, and he is sweating up a storm. He is nervous because his wife is watching him and I am nervous that he has contaminated all the food with the excessive amount of perspiration dripping off his body. Tom sets up a custom made fan to use during the competition, he should have brought a custom-made wind tunnel.

Alan Thicke talks to all the professional chefs to get an idea of how they think their protégés are doing. All the chefs think the amateurs are on schedule and looking good. I think they all seem to be doing well but time will only tell with this competition.

Do You Have a Burger to go with that Shake?
This is the point in the show were the heat really rises, the professional chefs are able to jump in for 2 minutes and help in the kitchen. Wolfgang is the first in, he immediately gets to work on helping with the dessert.

Over on the other side of the kitchen Chelsea is having a hard time identifying the kiwi fruit and depends on the crowd for their help. She is lucky they are Chelsea fans or else she could be getting set up for a horrible mistake.

Kenny wants Govind’s help and is running to throw his towel in the jar when he hits a wet patch and completely bites it. I laugh for a good 5 minutes, there is nothing better than a good fall to get me going. They even do a slow-motion recap of it, I laugh again. To make matters worse, Chelsea gets her towel in first and Kenny is just left with the embarrassment of his unfortunate fall.

Cat comes into help Chelsea and gets to grilling her beef. Chelsea realizes she forgot to put all the ingredients in her rice dish, the only thing she did remember was the rice. Good thing cooking fancy rice is not her talent, she would have been laughed off the stage at the Miss USA pageant.

Kenny finally gets his towel in the jar and instead of fully utilizing Govind’s help he pours him a glass of wine and they toast and relax. Govind helps Kenny clean the crab while he continues to drink. I really think Kenny is already drunk and now he is trying to get everyone drunk to even the playing field.

Wolfgang is now on the side yelling for Tom to use his Chef pass. He comes in and helps Tom clean the kitchen. I wonder if Wolfgang will come to my house and clean my kitchen? Kenny uses his chef pass again and this time he and Govind use their time more wisely, they do shots plating. Cat is the last to come in and she helps Chelsea slice her beef and with plating.

All the chef passes are used up and now the amateurs need to continue on their own until the last five minutes when their pros can enter the kitchen and help them finish. Alan Thicke decides to annoy them by getting up in their faces and asking them pointless questions. They all yell at him to get out of their way and I hope one of them has a sharp knife and he gets cut. Alas that does not happen and he continues on with his poor hosting.

The cooking is winding down and everyone is working to get their plates up to the judge’s table in time. Chelsea is the first one finished and decides to talk a little trash to the other contestants. She is not really representing her crown with that behavior, tomorrow I will be emailing the Miss USA organization about that. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, time is up. If only the show were up!

A Robbing of Big Proportions
Tom has his plates sampled first. They thought he did a wonderful job with the presentation and they weren’t expecting a lot so this was a nice surprise. Gael enjoyed the corn dish, she thought the burgers were overcooked and the dessert looked better than it tasted. Colin thought the corn was wonderful, the burgers were under seasoned, and also agreed that the dessert looked better than it tasted. He received a total score of 34.

They move onto Big Kenny’s dishes. They thought his presentation was not great but he looks like someone who knows how to cook. Gael enjoyed the tangy tangerine flavor in the crab dish and thought the beef was delicious and cooked perfect. Colin loved the crab, thought he prepared the beef like a man who knows his meat, and wished the dessert was as good as the crab and beef. He received a total score of 34.

Chelsea is the last to have her plates sampled. They thought her presentation was flawless and were very impressed with her inside out sushi roll. Gael thought the tuna roll was more beautiful than it tasted and the dessert was too much fluff. Colin thought the beef was cooked very well, the tuna was good but too much rice, and also thought the dessert was a lot of fluff. She received a total score of 35.

I am very confused by this judging, they seemed to praise Big Kenny’s dishes the most yet Chelsea won the competition. I guess that is life, you win some, and you lose some.

Make sure to tune in Thursday night to find out who will win the championship cook off between Cindy Margolis, Ashley Parker-Angel, and Chelsea Cooley. My money to win is on you, the viewing audience, because you don’t have to sample some of that slop! Bon Appetite!

I love to cook but if you love coking more and would be willing to come to my house and cook for me and clean if you have time email me at m.