Yoffy lifts a finger...
Survivor - Episode 1 Recap - Gimme Shelter
Will this season’s “Jeff’ be even snottier than last seasons?
We can only hope so.
Of course we have to hear all about caiman, piranha, anaconda, floods, drought and thunderstorms before we get the immortal line that marks the start of this seasons show.
39 days, 16 people, 1 Survivor.
Pay no attention to these.
Opening credits spoilers do not exist. There is no relevance to the order the Survivors are introduced so don’t try to read anything into it.
Jeanne, Christy, Janet, Shawna, Joanna, Jenna, Deena, Heidi. Oh lee lo lee lo lee lo lee lo la, Alex Rob, Roger, Matthew, Daniel, Dave, Ryan, Butch.
It means nothing.
Back from the break, Jiff instructs the Survivors to climb down the cargo net and get into the yellow boat when he calls out their name.
Jeanne – 41, luxury item, massage oil.
Earth mother with kinky undertones. Her selection draws a dirty look from Ryan.
Heidi – 24, luxury item guitar and songbook.
This years fake booby girl. Might be edited unflatteringly as punishment for not selecting a jump rope or mini, trampoline as her luxury item. Unless she can play with the guitar flat on her lap don’t expect to see too many shots of her cranking out the tunes.
Joanna – 31 , luxury item, picture of her mom. Athletic, tall, strong, the guys will not “dig” her.
Jenna – 21, luxury item, Zeta crown. I believe this to be a crown shaped small lump of wood, which will no doubt have a myriad of survival uses whenever small crown shaped lumps of wood are called for. Her high-fashion headwear is the worst representation of a cowboy hat since we got the chance to see if we could handle ‘The Mojo”
So traditionally with four women selected, we would expect to hear a man’s name called next. We of course are in on the big secret that this season is to be men versus women. Think how much fun it’ll be to see the looks on everyone’s faces when they hear the news.
Jiff calls out the next name, Christy.
Oh, a few bemused looks, but on the whole the moment was as anti-climactic as Trista’s overnight date with Alex.
Rob has a look of horror-tinged disappointment on his face at the realization his chances of scoring have been greatly reduced.
Christy – 24, luxury item , sage.
Uh sage? I’m sure it has some kind of freaky life enhancing properties that only outward-bound explorers know about. Uh, sage?
Deena – 35, luxury item, water balloons.
Water balloons, what could she possibly do with them.
Mule heroine out of the country in her body cavities? I think I’d better keep my eye on her.
Janet - luxury item, her daughter’s teddy. Stupid.
Shawna – luxury item, soccer ball. Could double as a pillow or be shoved up the shirt as a “ challenge” to Heidi.
Deena’s first thought after the all-female tribe make-up was revealed was “great, we can pee in front of each other”. Don’t do it near the sleeping quarters for God’s sake, the long arm of piss–obsessed Banana cop Ken will find you wherever you are.
How much more interesting would it have been to see the men all ordered to scramble to their boat at once? The cargo net, a seething mass of body hair and testosterone.
Jiff goes for the more orderly approach and calls out their names.
It’s hard to look elegant, tough or anything other than ungainly when descending a cargo net really, the men go for “macho” with greater and lesser degrees of success.
Roger - Although he looks reasonably craggy and tough, his voice rises at the end of each sentence. He says the Amazon is a “forbidden” place. I don’t think that’s what he meant.
Alex scores ten for best hat.
Rob looks longingly at the ladies boat, curses Mark Burnett. Luxury item, magic 8 ball.
Butch – with bushy tache and baseball cap, he looks anything but.
Was there ever a schoolteacher in the Village People?
Daniel – seriously pumped up, more top heavy than Heidi and has chosen to wear a bright blue visor.
Dave – no hat, strange.
Ryan Decides to let the chicks see what they’re missing by descending the net, minus hat but with cool shades in position.
Matthew Very, very thin man. Rub his legs together to start a fire if you need to guys. Looks to be seething at being called into the boat last.
Jiff flings down the buffs. Yellow for the ladies. They’re “Jaburu”, the bird. The men will be wearing blue, “Tambaqui” the fish. Foreshadowing Birds eat fish, therefore the women will be triumphant.
Hmmm, perhaps Burnett just didn’t want to name the women after the fish.
Jiff them goes on to tell us about a Spanish explorer who in 1541 discovered a bunch of women in the Amazon who fended for themselves without the help of men. He named the Amazon after them and that’s where we get the term Amazon women.
Huh? He named the region for the women who got their name from the region?
Jiff’s been rifling through Deena’s water balloons.
Jiff’s grown tired of them now and tells them to shove off.
The boys do this with no problem at all, but Shawna takes an age to untie the boat.
Jeez, the women are useless huh?
Ryan is so totally not stoked at the idea there will be no women on his tribe. The only thing that got blown was his strategy.
Same problem for Jenna, who was intending to fully “work” her bikini. I imagine for her that’s more a life choice than simply a way to make it further in this game.
The men make short work of finding their flag and according to Dave “bee line it” to the shore.
There are three things that’ll get you through this competition according to Dave, Freakin’ pride, honour and “what not”.
He assess that the tribe have all three in abundance and they set about marking the area with their scent.
To many women, the “bottom line” is what is visible when you wear the wrong panties under your clothing. To these men, the bottom line is they join the ranks of America’s homeless if they lose to the women. Foreshadowing.
Ryan The chicks are cool to look at but we need people who are going to be useful.
The delicious irony of that statement will become all too apparent as the show progresses.
Apparently, the very thought of losing to the women leaves the guys with their “butts on the stove, it’s going to be rough”.
Now, I would imagine that even it would be “hot” if the stove were on, at the very least “hard” as stoves aren’t known to be particularly conducive to a comfortable seating experience, but rough?
The men set about opening their box of supplies with a special warning from Butch that machetes can kill you. It’s actually the person who plunges the machete into you that kills you Butch, not the machete itself, I imagine you’re fairly safe while the machete is still in the box.
MB has decided that the crazy behaviour bought on by the triple whammy of no food, no water and too much Ghandia, that almost put paid to Jan last season cannot be repeated.
As a precaution the tribes this season have been given rather a lot of essential supplies.
The men have a machete each, plus kerosene, a flint, water and food.
Alex We have a mystery box. We don’t know what that’s all about or what’s in it.
Two rather essential elements of a “mystery” then eh Alex? Otherwise it would just be called a box.
Roger proposes a group hug, but unable to crack through each individual protective testosterone shield, he lets them all go about their business.
Over on the women’s boat, we see they are only now reaching their flag.
For anyone who hadn’t noticed their pathetic, girly attempts at rowing to shore, the Producers helpfully put “later that day” on the screen.
Laugh while you can guys.
Christy decides now would be a good time to tell them she’s deaf.
I guess it was as good a time as any.
In the spirit of being upfront and honest with her tribe she should also have confessed to smuggling in Tina Turner and Carrot Top under her armpits. Later maybe.
Heidi “confesses” that Christy is probably on borrowed time because of her hearing issue.
This is a “Burnetticism” that means she’ll be around for weeks.
Back to the men’s camp where some are discussing water, some shelter and some are giggling and swishing their machetes. Ryan’s contribution to the shelter effort is to slice down a small shrub you could probably cut with a spoon. He wasn’t interested in the size, just obsessing about the bush.
Roger, barking out orders since they arrived at camp, tries to make a final bid for dominance by getting the others into a “kerosene high”.
“Here’s sniff this guys, I have no sense of smell”.
Matthew I wonder if the chicks have a fire yet.
Cut to Jenna striking the flint with less conviction than she files her nails.
No, the chicks don’t have a fire yet, that wouldn’t fit into the theme of this weeks show i.e. “The guys are great and the girls don’t rate”. Will the women even still be alive come challenge day? Foreshadowing I tell you. You can smell it more strongly than a can of kerosene.
Shelter, food, water, fire. The guys have the basics covered in double quick time and set about their bonding rituals. Butch displays his luxury item school banner, with the slogan “Believe in yourself”. Ryan is apparently “down” with that sentiment and the guys proceed to chant “believe in yourself, believe in yourself”.
The men go about digging a big old hole to bury their pride in later.
“The women won’t catch any fish”. Dig dig.
“We have expert fishermen, they don’t” Dig dig.
Rob The women won’t be able to survive with only X chromosomes.
He goes on to call their site, “Camp of the Vagina Monologues”, taking the opportunity to say vagina without the usual follow up clout to the back of his head from his mother. Dig dig.
Yep, Roger the professional guesser, assesses that the whole is big enough for them to all fit in so we head off to the women’s camp only to find them talking about the guys.
Christy feels left out as she can’t read lips by the light of the fire. She feels isolated.
She’s so not getting kicked off any time soon.
Jenna : confessional We’re not doing too well (foreshadowing) . We slept on the ground which is the worst thing you can do out here.
While I do think it’s not the most comfortable thing, I would have thought wading into the piranha infested waters, taunting the Caiman or snuggling up to an anaconda might have sleeping on the floor beat.
She continues… “ something was crawling into my pants”.
Uh, don’t complain about that now Jenna, You’ve already told us that was your precise strategy had there been men in the tribe.
After coming together as a tribe to squeal over then kill and burn a spider the ladies decide it might e a good idea to build a shelter.
No one lets Christy know what’s going on so she’s left to “confess” that, “If my deafness becomes and issue, I’ll get voted off”. Get comfortable Christy, you’re not going anywhere.
Over at Tambaqui the producers again set about reinforcing the guys as superior survivalists by showing that not only have they built a fantastic shelter, they now have time to make modifications to it.
It has not gone unnoticed by Roger that Ryan and Daniel are useless. More of this later.
Matthew has to be the most boring man on the tribe. He appears to have half the volume of skin he actually needs, Stretching out of all proportion to barely cover his skeleton results in him having possibly the largest nipples on record. Someone alert Dean Cain.
He chats to Ryan about his favourite subject, the uselessness of the females and we cut to the ladies making a giant catapult two feet off the ground. This is apparently the foundation of their shelter.
The Stark Contrast.
At the women’s camp we have Janet. Its only day two, but she’s had enough. She feels ill, she’s dehydrated, this is brutal etc. etc.
At the men’s camp the guys consult the Magic Eight Ball on the important issues of the day.
Rob has decided that, even though he can use it to harness the spirits of the jungle, les the ball be deemed bogus, they should not ask any questions related to the game. “Will Ryan get a little something from Jenna? (her brain?) Answer: Most likely. “Will Daniel hook up with Shawna?” Answer: Yes definitely.
“Heidi and Rob?” Answer: Signs point to yes.
Proving that scientific or not, 8 Ball has a cracking sense of humour.
Meanwhile, Jeanne and Joanna catch some bait, kill it and use it to catch a minute fish.
Obviously, even though this makes the current tally Girls – 1 Guys – 0, we can’t leave on a positive note so we have to see a close up of the paddles they stuck into the mud on the opposite side of the bank. Joanna’s cried of ‘Oh Glory” prompt Jeanne to call her “very spiritual”. Hmmm, I hope there’s a tribal switch sometime soon so the guys can use 8ball to “harness” her, or at the very least smack her over the head with it and shut her up.
They go back to camp and gut and cook the tiny fish. Each tribe member gets a pinky nail sized amount, plus they still don’t have a shelter.
The girls are useless aren’t they? Don’t be fooled my friends, it’s foreshadowing.
Day 3 brings the tribe’s very first tree mail, a call to the first challenge with a message about speed and agility and skill. Daniel deciphers the message to mean they’ll be ‘standing on your foot”. Ooh, very skillful Daniel, you’ll need excellent balance for that.
Roger We’re the most macho Survivor guys ever, macho (you already said that Rog), good looking. We’ll get ragged on if we lose.
One, two, three four – shadowing.
Off to IC.
Inexplicably some of the guys turn up to the IC with their machetes.
Jiff Made a shelter yet?
Daniel Yeah, we make the best shelter ever, in the history of shelters.
Jiff Caught any fish?
Daniel Yeah, like a freakin’ ton dude, we rocked the fish supply and possibly disturbed the food chain.
Jiff Do you believe them ladies?
Jiff The ladies say they caught a fish, do you believe them guys?
Daniel Nooo, totally bogus there aren’t any fish left because we caught them all.
I’m a great provider Shawna.
On to the challenge, which Jiff explains is a four-parter. They’ll start out all tied together, complete tasks to retrieve keys along the route to unlock and separate them.
It’s neck and neck through the first obstacle. The men go into a slight lead, the a bigger lead, then a massive lead as the women inexplicably channel Ghandia and make heavy weather of a seemingly pretty simple puzzle.
Aaah, but then it arrives. That one prefect moment, that one sublime event that marks the culmination of over an hour of foreshadowing.
What can possibly defeat these guys? Nothing else they’ve had thrown at them has even phased them, but now, we meet their nemesis. Not a fire-breathing, ass-kicking nemesis, it’s a balance beam.
They have to make it from one end of the beam to the other, still tied in pairs and without touching the ground. Not that difficult really – unless you’re Daniel.
The most macho of all proves to be the most useless of all. Must be very unbalanced by the copious amount of fish you were eating eh Daniel? He and Ryan take about half a dozen attempts before finally making it across. His final forward tumble off the log, assisted by a Ryan ass-grab, surely marked the death of any remote chance he had with Shawna.
The rocket scientist and the computer guy make a mess of a fourth grade jigsaw puzzle and the women go on to victory.
If only for his own amusement, Jiff forces the guys to race across the line, making them look even more pathetic.
After the break we go to the guys camp to see the challenge de-briefing.
Dave decides that just before they have to vote to eliminate someone is a good time to potentially piss them all off. His stinging, “I’m a man of integrity” lecture could have won him a few votes had it not been for Alex supporting him fully.
Off to TC.
Jiff So, you guys sucked today.
Daniel Yeah, I was a little cocky.
Little cocky Daniel? Well, that’s what happens when you pump yourself full of ‘roids.
Daniel, Alex and Dave vote for Shawna, Rob votes for Heidi.
As far as the actual vote to boot someone off is concerned, the “honour” of being first off the island goes to Ryan.
What was that you were saying about needing useful people on the tribe Ryan?
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