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Hello and welcome back to a special one-hour results show, guaranteed to be chock full of surprises. Most surprising of all is why the producers felt it needed to be an hour long. A natty Ryan greets the studio audience in a black suit featuring a snowy white hankie tucked into the breast pocket. Remember the hankie, as you’ll be seeing more of it later in the show.
He introduces the judges by calling them “drama queens” and we get the usual Wednesday night schtick. Paula complains that Simon is tickling her leg under the table. After giggling a bit she admits that she didn’t realize how hard Queen’s songs were to perform until she watched the show on tape. Randy says the girls need to step it up a bit and show more personality. Ryan says Simon is the grumpiest millionaire he’s ever met, but Simon says he’s sincere and America respects honesty. He denies tickling Paula so we’ll know he’s not sincere at all, but since I don’t care that he’s playing footsie with her under the table I’m ready to get on with it.
No Wonder They Didn’t Sing The Best Songs Last Night
After a recap of last night’s performances it’s time for the group sing. Hmm, this is the reason none of my favorites were sung on Tuesday night. The big screen shows footage of the most memorable moments thus far this season as the contestants launch into an ambitious medley of Queen tunes. Ace rips into a fantastic solo on Killer Queen as the foul mouthed Rhonetta graces the screen with her too-small tube top and too-big behind. Chris is brooding as he solos on Under Pressure and Bucky merges seamlessly to finish the verse. The three girls take turns on Don’t Stop Me Now and the Brittenum twins and other also-rans get a short feature on Another One Bites The Dust. Lil’ cowboy Garret and other friendships are relived on You’re My Best Friend as Elliott solos, then it’s Taylor’s turn to shine on We Are The Champions. All in all a great job, and Will Makar claps from the audience, no doubt wishing he was on the stage.
Warning: This Week’s Commercial Is A Stinker
It’s a little jarring to go straight from Queen to Pat Benatar. The idols are dressed in funky golfing clothes as they swing a club to the softest version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot I’ve ever heard. Only Chris, looking more like Vin Diesel than Vin Diesel does these days, manages to save this commercial shot from quick obscurity, which, come to think of it, is the definition of a commercial that only airs once. Ace in pink and purple is a sad sight to see and a white trash Bucky wins the Ford whatever- it- is after Katharine cheats by blowing his ball in the hole. <- two points for the unexpected double entendre.
The good stuff never lasts long enough so it’s back to filler with Ryan at the podium and the idols stretched out on the couch of anxiety. Ryan wants to know what everyone misses the most about being away from their hometowns. For most it seems to be the food – Taylor misses turnip greens and barbecue, Paris misses fried chicken and hot sauce, and Kellie would really like to have some fried okra. What, don’t they feed these kids at all?
Elliott misses his family and friends and a hometown game of basketball and Ace misses being close to the mountains. Bucky mumbles and Ryan can’t understand a word he said. I had to replay the tape twice myself: “That ol’ dawg o’ mine, I like tu’ scrub his haid.” Kat also misses her dog Lilly and Chris misses his wife and kids, but since they’re in the audience tonight he gives them a wave.
To tug at the heartstrings a little more the contestants (and America) get to see tapes from their parents. Katharine’s McMom and McDad have the McPheever, which is too cute, and the other parents look solemn, or stern, or loving, or tearful as they wish their son or daughter the best. Ryan calls the cameraman for a close-up of Elliott crying big tears and wiping his face. My emotionally fragile, hugely - pregnant daughter cries along with him. “Oh Mom, why do they have to vote anyone off?” It’s laughable but a little poignant too. I know the producers do this to get a reaction, and I’m coming close to crying myself, even though I wouldn’t cross the street to buy a CD for most of the contestants. Well, a few of them. Well, I’ll buy the season compilation, then we’ll see. *wink*
Next week’s guest will be Rod Stewart. He’ll coach the idols for their Tuesday performances, then take his own turn at performing on Wednesday night. I’d pay money to hear Taylor sing (I Know) I’m Losing You.
Who’s It Going To Be?
It’s time to find out who got the lowest number of votes, but this week we’ll also hear more from the folks back home before Ryan announces the verdict for the eight remaining contestants.
Birmingham’s native boy Taylor is missed by his bandmates. It’s hard for them to carry on while he’s gone since the band is named the Taylor Hicks Band. They’ll be feeding his goldfish for him until he returns, or until the goldfish die, since goldfish don’t live very long anyway.
Taylor sang Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Randy loved it, Paula thought it was refreshing but Simon called the performance ridiculous. Whatever, Taylor is safe this week.
Katharine lives 20 minutes away in Sherman Oaks. We see home movies of a two-year-old Kat and her dad, who says he cries every time he hears her perform. “She takes my breath away.” he says, and sure enough, he cries as he says this. Kat cries, just watching it, so Ryan hands her his snowy white hankie to wipe her eyes.
Katharine sang Who Wants To Live Forever. Randy said she was in her element, Paula called her glorious and Simon said she was one of the best performers of the night. Katharine is safe.
Next up is McLeansville’s Chris, who from the pictures shown looks absolutely hawt with hair, whether long, short or bleached. His parents are proud of him and call him a good husband and father. Chris smiles while watching his serious parents give him serious compliments.
Chris sang Innuendo. Randy said he rocked it, Paula said he superceded Queen with his version of the song (is Paula back on the sauce or what?) and Simon called the performance indulgent. Chris is safe.
Kellie is Albermarle’s baby according to her grandpa. Everyone loves her, including her little brother Eric. What I don’t understand is how she has a pre-school aged brother if her mother ran off when Kellie was two and her father is in prison. Please don’t fill me in, I don’t want to know.
Kellie sang Bohemian Rhapsody. Randy was entertained and Paula thought she channeled her inner rocker chick. I thought Freddie Mercury turned over in his grave, but Kellie is safe. In her weekly bid for attention Kellie announces that she has “the community snotrag” as she waves Ryan’s hankie at him. He doesn’t want it back but she bounces over to his podium and drops it on top of his cue cards. Ryan appears horrified that he might get cooties and quickly bats the used handkerchief to the ground. He looks like he’s wishing he’d never encouraged her to act the country hick, but it’s too late now Ryan. For all of us.
Elliott is a Virginia boy and his mom says he was allergic to nearly everything when he was a baby. On top of that he developed diabetes when he was 17, and he has a hearing loss. Mom is proud of him, not for his talent but because he’s a “good soul.”
Elliott sang Somebody to Love. Randy loved it, Paula called it his best performance and Simon thought he pulled it off. America voted, and Elliott is in the bottom three. Elliott smiles as he takes center stage. Randy thinks America’s confused because this boy can sing. Ryan says that American Idol is all about making people uncomfortable and he asks Elliott if he wants to sing. Now it’s Elliott who’s confused. He says no, then asks what will he sing? Ryan tells him to take his cue from the music and of course it’s Somebody to Love again. Elliott pulls it off but I’m sure he’ll never sing that song willingly again.
After a commercial break we’re back with Ace, who looks scared. In answer to Ryan’s question he says he never feels comfortable on Wednesday nights. It shows, Ace. Ace’s parents call him an outdoor kind of guy. He’s the youngest of five brothers and had to scuffle to get his share of anything. His older brothers tease him a little and Ace sheds a few tears watching his brothers.
Ace sang We Will Rock You. Randy called it a karaoke performance, Paula labeled it pitchy and Simon really, really, really hated it. Ace mouths “Thanks, guys.” Sure enough, Ace is in the bottom three this week, too. Ryan questions the judges and Paula, fumbling for ways to say he sucked in a nice way, says that when she listened to Tuesday’s performances again everyone had faults. She doesn’t think he’s in trouble tonight, though, and Randy doesn’t think he’s leaving yet. Simon shrugs and says he just wasn’t good enough. Ace sings his song again and it’s no better than it was the first time around. In addition, the sleeveless muscle shirt he’s wearing gives me an eyeful of underarm hair that leaves me recoiling. Okay, I’m glad that’s over, and from the look on Ace’s face he is too.
Only two contestants remain, Bucky and Paris. Bucky is from North Carolina and his dad says that Bucky is the biggest thing to hit his hometown since the NASCAR races. Unfortunately NASCAR left his hometown, so that leaves only Bucky for people to be excited about.
Paris is from Minneapolis but decided to spend her senior school year with her grandmother in Atlanta. Paris told her family she was giving up singing to pursue a career as a gynecologist, but she tried out for American Idol on a whim and the rest is history.
Bucky performed Fat Bottomed Girls. Randy said the performance had energy, Paula thought he stayed true to himself and Simon thought it was mediocre. Paris sang The Show Must Go On and Randy and Paula thought she worked it out while Simon called it weird.
America voted and… Bucky is in the bottom three. He skips over to join Elliott and Ace in the bottom three. Ryan asks Simon who he predicts will be going home tonight. Simon looks bored; he flatly says Ace. He’s wrong, though, it’s Bucky who leaves us tonight. Bucky sings Fat Bottomed Girls again, and I enjoyed it, I don’t care what Simon says. Paris cries and Bucky waves us out, secure in the knowledge that his hometown will welcome him back, at least until NASCAR returns.
Well, that’s it for another bloated episode. Stay tuned next week to hear the idols mangle obscure Rod Stewart tunes and dodge Simon’s insults. Will you miss Bucky? Email me at Dinahann@fansofrealitytv.com