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Another week, another round of crazy auditions. Once again we travel to major cities across the U.S. in hopes of finding an invention that will make lives easier (and make its creator mucho bucks in the process). Our host-in-hiding Matt actually makes an appearance this week, starting the search off in the great city of Washington, D.C...

Step Right Up, Folks...

We're off to an inauspicious start as The Perfect Pet Petter makes its debut. Cue scary music. Created to help Fido cope with those lonely times while his owner is gone, the Petter is a bizarre looking metal box with a fake hand sticking out. You know, to pet your dog in your absence. It comes with a motion detector, a scary voice to "talk" to your pet, and enough of a creepiness factor to send your dog running for the hills. The judges declare that he has "invented a hand," Mary Lou recoils in disgust and calls it a freak-out machine for dogs, and the Pet Petter guy is sent packing.

Next we have something that won't cause your pet undue vet bills, the Toner Belt. This is a belt that snaps around your waist, and has a cable pulley on either side with handles so you can park your couch potato butt in front of the TV and get some exercise. For the more adventurous, it can be used standing up or walking. Peter makes a comment that he'd like to see someone who isn't physically fit try the Belt out *hint hint, Doug*. Doug is game and tries it on, needing an extension to fit the belt around his rotund waist. The editors show a sense of humor and play "You Sexy Thing" while Mary Lou makes fake goo-goo eyes at the huffing and puffing Doug. Though they say the resistance needs some work, the judges pass the belt through to the next round.

We're back to disturbing pet products as a man who claims to be the older brother of Tony Shaloub trots out the Shapoopie. This is basically a miniature bedpan on a stick, meant to catch the dog poop before it hits the ground. I'm thinking dogs wouldn't care for someone sticking a cup under their butt while they do their business, but what do I know. And hey - it's even got a light for nighttime! The judges collapse into a giggling fit, telling the man that nobody wants to stand there and watch a "steaming pile of poo" unfold from their dog, and send him on his merry way with four thumbs down.

Having had enough of dog poop discussions, we are thankfully shown a few clips of inventions that passed muster with the judges: a bouncing alarm clock that jumps and skips across the floor when the alarm sounds (good for those snooze-button addicts), a glove to help basketball players learn to use their fingertips, and a chair that attaches to the back of your vehicle for tailgating and such. Good stuff.

Presenting next is a way-too-intense woman with her Disposable Bedding. She starts out with a long speech, blowing off the judges when they ask to hold the product. When I'm done with my speech, she says! Probably not the best way to endear yourself, lady. Anyway, she finally shuts up and lets the judges hold the bedding, which is made of paper and diaper lining. Ed likes it, and Mary Lou gives her best bug-eyed Chucky grin and gives it a yes also. Peter disagrees and the woman jumps his case, pissing him off enough that he flings the paper sheets off to the side, calling them "rubbish." She demands that he pick them up, he refuses, Doug giggles some more, and they finally retrieve the papers and pass her through with Doug's surprising yes vote.

Next up is sad story number one, a quadriplegic man with a revamped Dental Flosser. Shaped like a question mark with a handle at the bottom and balanced for those who have difficulty gripping regular floss, the flosser is well-received by the judges with the exception of Peter, who seems to have traded places with Doug this week. Ed, Mary Lou and Doug all like it and give it a yes.

This week's salacious entry is brought to us by three ladies with rather large breast implants. The Temptress Bra is specially designed for women with implants, because apparently regular bras just don't fit right. I always thought boobs were boobs, but once again, what do I know. The two models describe how well the new bra fits, and Doug wipes the drool from his face and says that they are tormenting him for having an invention for something like this. Mary Lou gives him the evil eye but gives the bra a yes, as does Ed. Doug and Peter shoot it down, saying there isn't enough market for it. Haven't they been to L.A.?

We are then treated to a montage of inventions that didn't cut it, such as: the Nail Bonnet (little fabric caps that are put on the ends of your fingers to protect the nails, I guess), the Walker Whacker (yet another stick with a siren), Touch Me Wear (some kind of rubber-looking clothing that you can write on with ice), a baseball bat grabbing device for foiling mailbox-smashing hoodlums, a fold-out cardboard litter box, and a Fruck. I don't know exactly what the Fruck did, but it looked like some kind of toy duck. It wasn't as funny as the creepy guy who came up with it, and his screaming red plaid pants.

A grandfatherly-looking man comes out next with Toe Jam, a disgusting little disembodied doll's foot with holes in the bottom so that you can squeeze jelly out. Yes, really. This might appeal to young boys, but I can't see this thing taking a spot on kitchen tables next to the salt and pepper shakers. Just, ew. After giving us a refresher on what toe jam is (thanks, man) the guy gives a demonstration, spraying more jelly on the table than on the toast. A unanimous thumbs down from the judges.

Next is a couple with the Bed Plate. This takes regular paper plates up a notch with a cut-out for placing a cup so you won't be stuck with both hands full when greeting those annoying relatives at your next family reunion. The All-Knowing Doug informs us that his minor was in paper (huh?) and thinks that the new plates would be too expensive to manufacture. The other judges disagree and send paper plate guy to the next round.

Which brings us to one of the funniest clips of the night, a lampooning of Doug titled Mr. Know-It-All. Yes, folks - he's an engineer, a baker, toilet expert, an Eagle Scout, ultraviolet light expert, toy and footwear inventor, breast self-exam expert, and some relative of his signed the Declaration of Independence. Pul-lease.

Sad story number two is next, a young man with the Rescue Disc. This is a frisbee-shaped device with spirally wound rope on top, meant to be thrown to a drowning person. A hole in the middle is for placing the victim's arm through, so that they can be pulled to safety. This is where Doug informs us that *gasp* he has fallen through the ice in the Arctic Ocean, and tells the man that he doesn't know what he's talking about because he has never fallen into the ocean. Too bad a stray whale didn't snack on his self-important ass while he was floating around. Unfortunately, Peter joins Doug in voting no and the disc is turned down.

The last invention of the night comes from a former teacher with the Table Top Word Game. With several kids in tow, he explains how to play the electronic gadget that is meant to help children with spelling. Happy music plays, tears flow, and the judges argue. Ed and Mary Lou like the game, and give it a teary-eyed yes. Doug ruins the mood and says this isn't American Sob Story, and that the game won't sell. It's up to Peter, who agrees with Doug on some points, but gosh darn it, he just likes this guy and gives him a third yes vote. The overjoyed man runs from the room shouting "yes!" and inadvertently slams the door in the kids' faces.

Next week - yet more auditions from across the country. When will they stop and when will we get to the finals? I have no idea. Join us anyway just for the laughs. I'm sure there will be more sticks and "Buddies" to make fun of. Hey, maybe there will be a Stick Buddy.

I'm still laughing over the Shapoopie....waywyrd@fansofrealitytv.com