Yoffy lifts a finger...
Episode one Recap
Episode one of Survivor 5 begins.
We are treated to a beautiful sunrise, shots of traditional Thai pursuits of fishing and woodcarving, a woman in the traditional Thai costume of blue and white gingham shirt and orange wooly hat.
We get our first glimpse of the Survivors as the men’s team emerges.
The first of the promised “all new challenges” is revealed, the laundry barricade.
Jake, Ken and Robb are equal to the task; we then go across to the women’s team and our first look at Penny.
Penny’s strength belies her petite frame. She may look frail, but she obviously has abundant strength if she is able to walk despite wearing the largest cowboy hat in the Western world. (Note to self: inform Ripley’s)
Ever since the contestant’s names and bios were made public there has been speculation as to what ingenious uses Robb would put his luxury item, a skateboard, to.
A table, chopping board, seat, to pull Danny out when the tunnel collapses on him, oh no, that’s the Great Escape. Robb answers those enquiring minds very early on when he establishes that his skateboard will be used for skateboarding.
Jeff This island was once a haven for pirates.
Uh once Jeff? You mean they’ve gone? What about all the pirate related challenges we were expecting? This week’s immunity challenge, “Shivering your timbers”.
I bet the pre-jury bootees don’t get keel hauled either.
Jeff starts to lay it on thick.
Jeff This is the heart of the monsoon season, the island will be pummeled with tropical storms. The survivors will be abandoned, with no food, no shelter, no water, no hope.
The dramatic set up and sense of danger is somewhat spoiled when they are all issued life jackets for a brief boat trip.
After leaving the action for the opening credits were return to see the arrival at the island and Jeff instructing the ladies to sit on the left and the men on the right, so we now know for sure that the teams won’t be men against women.
Last season’s coconut chopping game was so successful in revealing alliances and strategy that Jiff has decided to give the new group an early chance to blow their cover.
He tells them to say their name, age and occupation, but only as long as that doesn’t give away their game strategy. Of course they now have to divulge or they will look as though they have something to hide. Ahhhh Jiff, you cruel, brilliant bastard.
Stephanie, 29 – Firefighter. Buff, no bra, doable.
Ghandia, 33 – looks closer to 43, hope she goes soon as her weave is bad enough now and they’ve only been there for about 20 minutes.
Erin 26,- Reader’s Wive’s or “Funbags Monthly” close call.
Helen 47, - obvious symbolic winner,name is “Neleh” backwards. Makes navy boys dive for rubberized bricks while wearing pyjamas. She looks mean, sorry she just does.
Penny 27- Gigantic hat, gigantic teeth, one sticky out ear smacks of inbreeding to me.
Shii Ann - pity her for she was surely called Shii-it at school. Her job is to find people jobs.
Jan,53- allowed her first grade class to apply her make up. She is very wrinkly, stay out of the sun kids, do not go into the light Carol Anne. Old bag, not too steady on her feet – classic early boot fodder.
Tanya 27,- Laura Ingles hair do makes this pretty woman very unsexy all of a sudden,
Will duke it out with Penny to be crowned this years “sweetheart”or with Stephanie to be this years “Gina – sporty girl”
Clay 46,- even though he’s sitting down it is clear that Clay is teeny tiny.
Robb 23,- already somewhat annoying due to the extra letter in his name, Robb poses the rhetorical question “What’s up y’all?” Robb of course doesn’t know it’s rhetorical, obviously.
Robb is wearing a little black wooly bucket hat, a glaring fashion faux pas in such a hot place during the monsoon season. Robb isn’t bothered by that. After finding out where this installment of Survivor would be, Robb is simply relieved to find out they don’t have to wear ties all the time. Robb is a double whammy, filling this years tattoo man and bar tender quotas.
Ken, 20- NYC police officer, the crowd burst into spontaneous applause. Ken tells them all to back away as there’s nothing to see.
Brian 34,- Brian makes a rather flat joke about being a used car salesman.
He should have told them that his last name is Heidik and he’s a soft core porn stud then sat back and waited for his own round of applause.
John 40, - looks at least 50 to me. Last in line when melanin was being handed out, this guy is pasty. He is a pastor but I’m getting a Benny Hinn vibe from him. Can’t wait to see what happens if he touches anyone’s forehead.
Ted 37, -Darling I, can’t get enough of your love baby….. He introduces himself as Jnr which lets us know he loves his daddy.
A great big cuddly bear of a guy, no one will come to any harm while Ted is around.
Jed, 25- his huge teeth were an early sign to adolescent Jed that dentistry was his true calling. Messy blond hair seems something of a health hazard in the sanitary confines of the chamber of dental doom. Watch Jed’s “coolness” fly out the window when the ladies realize he probably has to wear one of those little tie back hats to work. Jed is buff, good looking but very small – like Colby on hot wash.
Jake 60, Despite his salt and pepper facial hair, Jake still looks younger than Clay to me and if not younger certainly a lot healthier than John. He’s a land broker, which just sounds very boring.
Of course we have all fallen victim to Burnett’s sensational claims in the past.
“You won’t believe who comes to visit.”
“The most shocking thing that has ever happened on Survivor.”
“Colby does Mom in back of Aztec”.
“Starting the game in a whole new way”.
Many people had floated the idea that teams would be selected once the game had commenced, as far as I know no one had it pegged that the team
captains” would be the two old fogeys.
The elderly are revered in Thailand apparently, so Jiff puts team selection in the hands of Jan and Jake.
The tribe colours this season are fire red and aubergine.
After being cautioned that one camp has better shelter and one has better water, Jake chooses the tribe that Jiff says has “sunset”, which is represented by the aubergine, Jan gets “sunrise”.
Jan selects Ted, solid first choice.
Jake selects Stephanie, the nipple queen and tells us it’s because of what he saw when he looked in her eyes. If you promised Jake the million dollar prize right then and there he would not be able to tell you what colour eyes Steph has.
Fifty seven year old Jan then selects 47 year old Helen – uh ok.
Jake adds to his emergency services coverage by selecting Ken.
Jan appears to have lost the plot at this point and starts to select all the older people.
Wailing confessionals follows explaining how no one wants to be with the old gal.
Pastor John informs us that he had already changed his strategy once when he thought the tribe would be all men. This idea caused him much consternation.
Promise Keepers- Demographic Study.
Finding 17a states that middle aged women are 73% more likely to buy a cross and/or signed photograph of John.
Please commit the following statement to memory.
Ghandia is very happy at the prospect of an all female team and forecasts as ass-kicking for the guys as women deal with pain better and multi-task better.
Have you ever walked into a room and felt as though everyone is looking at you?
Jan has the totally opposite feeling now as no one is willing to make eye contact with her.
Pickee after pickee sits with their eyes cast to the ground doing whatever they can to make themselves less noticeable.
A Robb confessional follows where he states that he didn’t want to be in the old lady team because old ladies smell like cabbage. Robb is somehow wearing a black buff now even though black is not a regulation buff colour this year, hmmm.
Conscious that his tribe might be the ones with limited shelter, Jake shrewdly selects “super-hat” Penny.
Imposed leadership is too much for Jan who sits in a tree quietly sobbing.
Can you imagine the havoc that is her first grade class?
Final selections are Erin and Clay. Erin is most dismayed as she’s obviously used to being “out front”, whereas Clay informs us that he is a diamond in the rough and his team just don’t know it yet.
After much hugging and first stage bonding the tribes are told to make their way to their new camps. Jiff explains they only have a few pieces of equipment and one small can of beans. He whips out a life-size cut out of Clarence Black and wags his finger to illustrate the point.
The tribes jump into their boats and start to paddle to their new camps.
Helen feels very superior as she points out the Sook Jai’s are stupid kids who are paddling their boat back to front, it’s not a race, yada yada – sorry, but I just don’t like Helen.
John complains that even though his tribe had their boat the right way round they were still paddling too slowly. He is eager to get to the camp so he can set up a stall for his merchandise.
Robb states that even though their boat was backwards they didn’t care. They still smoked the old lady’s teams ass. They were so far ahead they couldn’t even see the old ladies team (that’s because they went in a different direction).
Sook Jai reach shore and Shii Ann wants to start finding people jobs, obviously. Do one thing, do it well.
Ken decides to climb a mango tree.
Erin is amazed, not sure if she’s amazed by Ken, the tree or Ken in the tree. She’s fawning a little so my bet is that it’s Ken, tree or no tree. Could this be the start of another reality tv romance?
Which Reality tv romance was the most ridiculous?
- Colby/Colby’s mum.
Robb has decided the best way to “help” his tribe is to swing from a vine, Tarzan style.
Robb has a very tragic haircut, which I fear may have sapped his strength, he can barely lift his fool self two feet off the ground before sliding back down the rope. (Please note, sliding down a rope can cause blisters- this fact will become important later).
Over at Chuay Ghan the tribe find a cave. It was have taken far greater skill to have missed the cave given the enormity of it, but they whoop and holler anyway.
Ted declares the tribe are now a family. This seems a rather rushed conclusion, but I’m “feeling” Ted so whatever he says is fine by me.
The Chuay tribe seem to have the better deal and find an abundance of seafood.
Ghandia’s shout of “Ooooh crabs” prompts a knee-jerk checking of his fly from Brian.
The Sooks frolick in the sea, Steph skinny dips prompting much interest from Shii Ann.
An answer in the affirmative from Steph to Shii Ann’s “are you naked?” question does not satisfy Shii Ann who proceeds to examine her closer for further confirmation – just being thorough I guess.
The sun has set hours ago and the moon is high in the sky so the Sooks decide now is s good time to think about shelter for the night.
A very ramshackle shelter is quickly assembled. Erin is concerned that it might not be big enough for all of them and reminds them that when they make the final shelter to count her as three.
We start the day at Chuay Gahn camp where Tanya in the process of chucking up.
Despite the bucket load she produces her team mates conclude that she was de-hydrated.
(Round one goes to Penny).
Talk of water spurs them on to find their own water source.
John decides it’s highly plausible that the water source could be at the peak of a sheer rock face and proceeds to climb up. The others decline, wish John God speed and say they’ll meet him round the corner. A few minutes later the rest of the tribe, unable to read the very simple map they were given they too find themselves scaling rocks.
Helen, who I do not like, concludes that this simply cannot be right, I agree, grudgingly though as I don’t like her.
They make their way back down the rocks only to be met by John who reads the map correctly and sets them in the right course. I can only imagine how superior he was feeling at that point.
Helen is a Navy swim instructor, yet she takes up a spot in the boat along with Tanya and John, leaving the others to swim for it.
They reach land far before the others, find a pool and begin to discuss it’s uh, brackishness? brackivity? Whatever, is it salty or not?
Yes it is indeed so Helen rightly determines that this cannot be the water source either – damn her.
Team Building – by John
When your tribe mates have swam the best part of a mile in deep water and you’ve traveled in boat in style, DO NOT take the boat out to meet them- they’ll love it.
When said tribe mates land on shore, tired and a little emotional, further guild the lily by telling them that a brackish pool is your main water source.
Just when your tribe mates are at their lowest ebb, reveal the true water source to them. Take cover as their uproarious laughter at your fabulous prank could result in slight loss of bladder control.
Over at Sook Jai Ken decides to trek off to their water source, Erin in tow.
They walk about ten yards and find the water – how uneventful.
Back at the heart of the campsite the bitching and whining is in full flow.
Jed complains that everyone wants shelter instead of food, Robb moans about Jed wanting food. Jed goes off to find food, Robb moans about Jed going off to find food. Ken moans about his blisters, Robb moans about his blisters (remember how he slid down the rope?). Jed has no blisters, Robb moans about it. Jed returns, Robb and Ken moan about chopping, Jed says “I’ll chop”, Ken and Robb moan about him.
Robb tells Shii Ann to get some palm fronds. Shii Ann says she was told to get food, Robb moans. Shii Ann is on the defensive. Robb says “we need shelter”, Shii Ann says “we need food”, Robb says “we need shelter dude”. Shii Ann declines Robbs invitation to show him her hands. Robb moans.
The shelter does not get built, the rain comes, the Sook Jai get drenched, Robb tells them he told them this would happen.
The sad Sook Jai have still not eaten when Shii Ann and Ken arrive with the tree mail.
The tree mail poem is inexplicably written on purple fabric with purple marker pen.
Got no shelter, got no food,
Robb told you so, so listen dude.
Hands all blistered, full off cuts,
Just pull your fingers out your butts.
Haven’t slept, been no snacking,
Brains and brawn are sadly lacking.
You’ll need both to be the cream,
Start working as a f#cking team.
Robb assesses that his tribe has all the hot chicks and their supreme “hot chickery” will ensure victory.
Jiff could not be any prouder of this years Immunity idol if he had fashioned it himself.
He explains the challenge and we get yet another glaring display that Jiff’s word is meaningless, there really is nothing “all new” about this challenge. Jiff is a lying bastard.
The teams set off in their boats each team hoping to be the first to complete the course having collected three flags at stations along the route.
The rowing commences and the Chuay’s fly into an early and convincing lead.
Jan completes a rope maze to claim the first flag, she dives and swims like a spring chicken, I confess to being most impressed.
The Chuay’s arrive at the second station, which requires someone to dive underwater to unhook the flag. Brian is the natural selection for this task as he’s used to going down.
Remember Ghandia’s delight at the thought of the male versus female concept?
Women are better at handling pain, better at multi tasking.
Ghandia manages to completely throw away a very significant lead when she can’t complete one task. Through all the shouts of encouragement (“you can do it Ghandia,” “you’re nearly there Ghandia”) the booming voice of Ted cuts through the crap “hurry up, hurry up”.
You tell her Ted.
She can’t handle the pain of defeat and a man kicked her ass.
Ghandia, was frankly, appalling. The Sook’s take the lead and go on to victory.
The sole blame for deafeat lies with Ghandia and she should be the one to go, so sayeth John and for once I agree with him.
Helen, the evil one, suggests Tanya should be the one to go as she is such a sickly little puss who can’t even keep water down.
The editors quickly cut to Tanya drinking a mug of water and immediately spewing it back up again. Most people would naturally want to distance themselves from this act, but Brian stands watching unflinchingly. Women spitting out fluids is all in a days work to him.
So it’s off to TC.
Jiff does his “fire is life” spiel and the Survivors take their places.
Masterful questioning follows from Jiff.
Jiff So, Ghandia, what the hell was that? John how’s it going?
John’s answer betrays his true position, an overly confident man blissfully unaware of how others perceive him. When he informs the group that he doesn’t think “it’s got hard yet”, Brian winks and slips him a small blue pill.
On with the vote.
Helen the evil shrew votes for Clay. Helen’s nearest and dearest might like to note that earlier Helen had said in confessional that voting someone out would be like voting someone out of her family. So, not only does she think as little of you as she does a bunch of people she’s only known three days, she will “discommunicate” you as soon as you have more money that she does.
Unsurprisingly John is the first to bite the dust.
He manages a little wave over his shoulder as he goes off for first pick of the bunk beds at loser lodge.
Anyone want to buy a cross? Half-price?
Last edited by fluff; 09-26-2002 at 08:55 AM.
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