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It’s been an amazing week for American Idol, and by amazing I mean mostly average with a few bright spots and a whole lotta filler. We’ve suffered through faithfully watched three hours of performances this week just to get a glimpse of our favorites. We’ve burned silently when Paula and Randy spouted rambling compliments for a mediocre performance yet refused to allow Simon equal time, and pinched ourselves to stay awake during the 27th rendition of [insert Stevie Wonder song title here].

So who’s going home? We’ll find out tonight, but not before we sit through a performance by “the original farm girl” as Ryan calls last year’s winner Carrie Underwood. We have that to look forward to a little later in the show. For now Ryan tells us that over forty two million votes were cast for tonight’s results show. He introduces the judges quickly – no banter this evening, and right off the bat we get to see the group performance.

All Together, For Now
Tonight’s group performance is a mixed bag. The song is CSNY’s Love The One You’re With and the song starts out shaky with Heather and Brenna, who can’t seem to find the right key. Bucky shuffles, lost in the choreography, and Taylor makes up his own moves. At least the girls get to sing tonight. They get through the song without any major difficulty and look presentable although Mandisa’s outfit scares me. She looks like a tube of toothpaste that’s been squeezed too tight, bursting out at both ends.

Ryan reminds us that four people are going home tonight. He leads us through a clip of this week’s performances and we get to see Paula and Simon fighting like two- year olds. Country music was a popular choice with Stevie Wonder tunes coming in a close second, and I never want to hear any of those songs again.

Here She Is
Ryan introduces our reigning American Idol Carrie Underwood. She’s sold over two million albums. All that’s missing is a crown and an armful of roses and Ryan singing Here she comes…Miss American Idol…. She’s poised and perfect as she exclaims that all her dreams have come true. She’s working on a new video for Don’t Forget to Remember Me and she says her mom is playing the part of, well, her mom, except she threatens to hire a rental mom if her real mom misbehaves. Or something like that.

Carrie sings her hit song that spent six weeks at the top of the country charts, Jesus Take the Wheel. I had forgotten what a beautiful voice she has. She’s very pretty tonight, and she’s composed as always. Ryan claps at the end and looks as if he’s about to cry. And no wonder, because it’s time for…

The Bottom Three Girls
It’s time to find out who got the lowest number of votes, and once again it’s ladies first. The lights dim and Ryan takes a deep breath. He’s never in a happy mood on results night. He calls out each girl’s name and what the judges thought of their performances.

Lisa sang Who’s Loving You. Randy thought she didn’t live up to her potential, Paula thought she was amazing, and Simon said she would sail through to the next round. America voted, and Lisa is not in the bottom three tonight.

Ayla sang I want You to Need Me. Paula and Randy were pleasantly surprised and Simon thought it mechanical. Ayla is not in the bottom three tonight.

Katharine sang All in Love is Fair. Randy thought it was not her best performance, Paula agreed and Simon wanted more personality. Katherine is safe as well.

Mandisa sang Cry. Paula liked that she took risks, Randy thought it rough and Simon thought she could be the best in the competition. Mandisa is safe.

Kinnik sang Here for the Party. Randy enjoyed her energy, Paula was glad she had fun, and Simon thought it was like a theme park performance. Kinnik is in the bottom three tonight. She smiles graciously and walks to center stage. Not really a surprise as she doesn’t seem to have a large fan base and somebody has to go.

Brenna sang Last Dance. Paula missed her magic, Randy wondered where her vocals went, and Simon thought it was her last chance. Brenna is also in the bottom three, and joins Kinnik in the circle of shame. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

Kellie sang Something to Talk About. Paula thought she was adorable, Randy thought the song was hot, and Simon predicted America would fall in love with her even though the vocals were not great. Kellie is safe.

Paris sang Wind Beneath my Wings. Paula thought she made the competition incredible, Randy thought she was hot, and Simon wanted her to sing something more appropriate for her age. Paris is safe.

Who’s Out, And Who’s Out There
Only two girls are left, Heather and Melissa. Heather sang Hero. Paula thought it was a risky song choice, Randy thought she paled in comparison to Mariah and Simon thought it was a ghastly pageant moment. Melissa sang Why Haven’t I Heard From You. Both Randy and Paula thought it was the perfect song choice, but Simon thought there was no wow factor. America voted…and Heather is in the bottom three. She joins Brenna and Kinnik to stand awkwardly as the other girls close ranks on the couch.

Ryan asks Randy if he’s surprised. He didn’t expect to see Kinnik there but says all in all he thinks America got it right. Ryan turns to the girls and tells Heather and Kinnik they can be seated. Brenna got the lowest number of votes. Brenna turns it into a joke, saying she’s ready to make some money, but it won’t be with her encore performance of Last Dance. When she’s bad she’s so, so bad.

After the break, Heather and Kinnik are back at center stage. One is going home, and Ryan asks Paula why she thinks they’re there. Paula laughs and says because one of them ate pizza and the other ate salad. What? Jeez, Paula, how bizarre can you be? Kinnik smiles, Heather looks bewildered. Paula says Simon whispered it in her ear and Simon protests that he didn’t say anything. Paula wipes tears from her eyes, semi-hysterical, and Ryan reminds her that they’re live. Paula pulls it together enough to repeat her rambling critique from the live performances. Simon pronounces Heather will be going home, and he’s right. Heather sings us out to commercial break. Bye-bye Heather.

The Guys Turn
Ryan’s back, the remaining girls are relaxing, and now it’s time to see which guys haven’t made the cut. Evidently the show is running short because Ryan drags it out a bit by asking each of the guys if they think they’re in the bottom three.

Bucky sang Thunder Rolls. Randy liked his song choice, Paula was pleased that he was having fun and Simon didn’t think he had star presence. Ryan asks Bucky if he thinks he’s in the bottom three this week. Bucky replies that he feels better this week than last, but he doesn’t know. He is safe, and he grins as the crowd yells for him. Looks like Bucky is building himself a little old fan base. Somebody get that guy a biscuit and some sweet tea.

Ace sang If I’m Not Made For You. Randy thought Ace challenged himself, Paula thought he was better than he knew but Simon thought he struggled a bit. Ace is safe and he flashes a brilliant smile. Woot! He is gorgemous and I’m hoping he stays awhile just for the eye-candy factor.

Elliott sang Moody’s Mood For Love. Randy gave him a standing O, Paula thought it brilliant and Simon thought he was great. Elliott doesn’t want to speculate on whether or not he’s safe but Ryan tells him he has to. Elliott hesitates and the other guys say they’ll be surprised if he’s in the bottom three. He’s not.

Sway sang Overjoyed, but the judges were not. Randy didn’t like it, Paula thought he wasn’t in the zone and Simon called it karaoke. Sway is not sure how he did. *cue dramatic music* Sway is in the bottom three and he takes center stage.

Moving on, Taylor sang Easy. Randy didn’t think it was his best performance, Paula loved his enthusiasm but not the song, and Simon called it average. Does he think he’s in the bottom three? Taylor says no, no, no, no, no. Not that he’s so sure, more like he’s stuttering. He laughs and does his patented jerky moves when Ryan pronounces him safe.

David sang The Way You Look Tonight. David is serious as Ryan tells him Randy was bored with his performance, Paula thought he didn’t connect with the audience and Simon felt he lacked charisma. He has no idea if he’s in the bottom three (he’s probably the only person in America that doesn’t), but of course he is, so he takes the stage with Sway to the accompaniment of groans from the audience.

Chris sang Hemorrhage. Randy thought he owned it, Paula was amazed and Simon thought his performance was in a class of its own. Chris hopes America agreed with the judges. They did. Taylor reaches down to rub Chris’s shaved head as Chris turns to smile at him. Where’s all the competitiveness that we were promised this season? So far everyone has been very well behaved, no fistfights or anything.

Gedeon sang A Change is Gonna Come. Randy loved the performance, Paula thought him unique and Simon called him a funny little thing that sang brilliantly. Ryan asks if he thinks he’s in the bottom three. Gedeon decides to be positive and pipes up with a “No Sir.” His grin stretches across his face because he’s safe, too. I had him pegged for bottom three even though I like him. Hmm, that leaves Kevin and Will.

Will sang Lady. Randy thought it bland, Paula just alright, and Simon thought he appealed to 11 year-old girls. Will rolls his eyes. He don’t want no stinkin’ 11 year-old love and he doesn’t want to guess whether he’s in the bottom three.

Kevin sang I Heard it Through the Grapevine. Randy enjoyed him, Paula thought he was adorable and the next sex-symbol (?? Be serious.) and Simon said if he heard Kevin singing on the radio he would turn it off. Kevin has no idea how the voting went, but he’s in the bottom three tonight. Chicken Little Kevin joins Sway and David and the three look nervously out into the audience.

Who’s Out First
Randy is shocked that Kevin and Sway are there. They both had off nights but he doesn’t think they were that bad. I guess David deserves to be in the bottom three, and he is in fact the lowest vote-getter (is that a word?) of the evening. Ryan hugs him and David says he’ll be happy to go home and hang out with his friends. Unfortunately it also means he’ll have to return to school full time. Look at it this way David, you’ll be a shoo-in for Prom King. He sings again as the girls gather around him. Paris and Melissa both shed a few tears and the others look distressed. He was evidently popular with the American Idol ladies at least.

More Bad Advice
After a commercial break we’re back and Kevin and Sway return to the stage. Ryan asks Paula to give them advice. Ba-ad idea. Paula dissolves into giggles and stumbles incoherently through something she says Simon told her to say. “On the ‘X’ factor he always refers to a fortune cookie and says a moth can find the melon…, finds the cornflakes…always finds the melon…” She puts her head in her hands and collapses on her desk. The new and improved Paula has gone on vacation and we’re left with a gibbering idiot. Looks like someone needs a refresher visit to rehab.

Ryan, looking très annoyed, asks the judges to act like adults. Simon says that this time the lowest ranked contestant will not be leaving based on vocals, and it will be Sway that’s gone. He’s right again. Sway says he actually feels a little relieved (to get away from Paula). The camera cuts to Paula, swaying on her feet as she grabs Simon around the neck in what looks like a bizarre form of foreplay. That’s twice I’ve used bizarre and Paula in the same sentence tonight. I check my thesarus and find I could just as easily have said grotesque, odd, eccentric or weird, but none of them have quite the same ring, so bizarre it is.

Sway sings again, and this time the guys gather around. Looks like Sway was a man’s man as opposed to a ladies man. Whatever, his relatives look on unhappily as Sway sings, and he does a marginally better job then he did the first time around. All in all, America got it right, thank goodness.

Say Good-Bye, For Now
Ryan reminds us once again of the four leaving tonight. Brenna pushes her way to center stage, making rubbing motions and call me signs, and I’ve never been so glad to see someone voted off the show. I’m usually sorry to see the booted contestants go; I know from past experience that when I see them a year or so later on some talk show I’m always amazed at how bad they are. I’m bypassing all that - Brenna is excruciating right now.

After the contestant’s AI story is run again and all possible emotion is wrung from the moment, Ryan reminds us to watch next week. As if we could forget, with the yay-one hundred commercials that FOX will air before next Tuesday. After the voting we’ll be down to the final 12 and we can finally, finally watch Survivor on Thursday without having to tape it. I’m looking forward to it!

How glad were you to see Brenna get the boot? Email me at Dinahann@Fansofrealitytv.com