Welcome, loyal viewers (all seven of you) to the finale recap for Skating With Celebrities. The final finale. Several people thought it was on Tuesday night, but noooo....FOX had to drag it out for an extra night. Really, they could have wrapped it up in one show. But why break the time-honored tradition of dragging out reality show finales to the point where viewers want to throw things at the TV and yell "get on with it, already!"


Didn't we see this before?

The night starts out with our two remaining couples skating their favorite routines from the competition, which will not be scored. Hey, how else are they going to fill up an hour's worth of show? John and Jillian start it off with their performance to Pink's "Trouble." It's a nice routine, the same as we've come to expect from this pair throughout the competition. Nothing spectacular, however. Jillian showed off her tattoos, while John showed off a nice set of arms in a sleeveless shirt. Up next are Lloyd and Kristy, skating to Edwin McCain's "I'll Be." Another nice performance to a great song.

In between routines (and commercials) we are shown some rehashed interviews with the contestants. Nothing really new is learned - Jillian tells us how much work it was to compete, and Kristy informs us that Lloyd has become "like a big brother." I won't even go there.


No Respect

And here comes the filler. You knew there had to be more. The rest of the cast comes out to remind us exactly why they were voted off the show. With Aretha Franklin's "Respect" playing in the background, Kurt, Jenny and Deborah do a little ice dancing. Kurt does an excellent triple toe loop, and then Dave and Nancy skate a bit. Todd comes out, everyone does some more cheesy dancing, and I go to get some more tea. Yeah, it was pretty bad.


Free skate, at last

Finally, what we've all been waiting for. Before they begin, Scott reminds us that the two teams are separated by only .4 of a point, and that the pairs have made all of the decisions about their final program. Kristy and Lloyd skate first, wearing very unflattering costumes in screaming yellow to the tune of Rick James' "Superfreak." Insert your own joke here. In spite of their distracting wardrobe, they skate a clean program with all of the lifts and spins they have perfected. The highlight of their routine was a scary one-handed lift/spin that Lloyd nailed. The judges comment that Lloyd has improved greatly and Kristy seems fearless when she is in the air.

Jillian and John follow with a slow skate to Faith Hill's "Breathe", wearing gorgeous sky blue outfits. I think this is the most covered-up Jillian has ever been on this show. No butt-crack or tattoos! They do their usual spirals and some nice lifts, then Jillian tries an axel. Tries, but fails. She lands resoundingly on her behind, but gets up off the ice and carries on with a smile. They finish the routine nicely, but you can tell she is disappointed. Afterwards, the judges compliment them on their performance, and John reminds everyone that the fall need not preclude a win for the pair.


And the panel says:

After a long commercial break, we are back for the final scores, which are as follows:

For John and Jillian -

Technical:
John - 9.8
Dorothy - 9.8
Mark - 9.7

Artistic:
John - 9.9
Dorothy - 9.8
Mark - 9.8

For Kristy and Lloyd -

Technical:
John - 9.8
Dorothy - 9.9
Mark - 9.9

Artistic:
John - 9.8
Dorothy - 9.9
Mark - 9.8

A long pause ensues, while the contestants quickly figure the scores in their heads (except for the mathematically challenged Kristy, who looked very confused). Scott finally ends the suspense and names Kristy and Lloyd the winners with a score of 117.7. The crowd cheers, they do a little encore skate, and the rest of the cast come out to congratulate them. Oh, and they get the most god-awful looking trophy I've ever seen. Some kind of skate-shaped glass thing on a piece of wood. And here I thought the disco ball trophy for Dancing with the Stars was bad.

Crank up the Zamboni, this show is over.

I missed CSI for this? waywyrd@fansofrealitytv.com