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Wow! It’s already time for another edition of my favorite reality tv show! Just a little history for you…The Amazing Race is what brought me to the FORT in the first place. Yeah, I stopped by after TAR 3 because I heard that whiny bitch Flo was on some web forum trying to defend herself after having given up multiple times, only to ride Zach’s back all the way to the victory mat. Man did I hate her. Still do.

Anyway, enough of me and my flashbacks. That was then, and this is now. We have 11 more teams willing to test their previous relationship and push it to the next level via an international adventure race. 11 teams that fill that exact mix of 15% ugly American//15% contentiousness/20% drama/50% camera whore that is required for a good edition of this awesome race. I won’t bore you with the rules of the race, since Phil will pretty much do that every time you have a question of “what’s going on?” *cracks knuckles* Let’s get to this shall we?

Teams

Lake and Michelle
This couple from Mississippi seems like your typical type A husband with a more type B wife. They have 3 kids, and Lake seems like a real southern firecracker. He is a dentist, and it appears that Michelle is his assistant. Will these two be like Jonathan and Victoria??

Danielle and Dani
They’re young, they’re fun, and gee, they like boys. This is Team Double D—that’s because of their names, not their bra size. pervertsThey are New York girls who look angelic, but are really devils.

BJ and Tyler
Team Hippie. These guys look like they could be the next Ben & Jerry, but skinny. They are already well traveled together—they have circumnavigated the globe already—and are simply on the race to have fun and experience life. They look like a lot of fun.

Ray and Yolanda
This long-distance dating couple from the midwest are one of the most athletic looking teams in the race. Ray is the kid from “da hood” who worked hard to get through law school to empower himself. Yolanda is a teacher, and they think they are the team to beat physically.

John and Scott
Team “In and Out”? Team Ambiguously Gay Duo? Scott’s Dad calls John “his tallest daughter”, so I must not be the only one that believes he might be gay. John seems to really want to get outside of his comfort zone for the race and see how well he can do. He is afraid of flying, so this could really be a challenge for him.

Joesph and Monica
This dating couple from Arkansas for some reason really reminds me of James and Sarah from Big Brother 6. They are young and competitive, but Monica seems like she might be a little too high maintenance.

Eric and Jeremy
Here’s your alpha male team. However, they seem more like beach bums who don’t want to work for anything. They are a bartender and valet respectively, who like to work as little as possible. If they win, all I can say is they’re setting a great example for the youngsters.

Lisa and Joni
These 2 sisters from Texas could turn out to be the most annoying team ever, IMHO. They call themselves Glamazons—and then think they have to explain that it’s a combination of “Glamorous Amazons.” They are running the race for fabulous, 6 foot tall, big boned women everywhere.

Fran and Barry
The old couple has arrived! This couple from Colorado has been married for 40 years and are really looking forward to competing with the younger crowd. They think they will just steamroller over everyone like a MacKenzie brother.

Wanda and Desiree
Team Hot Tamale! This mother/daughter team from Georgia is ready to roll! Wanda is a single mother who raised her daughter with discipline yet fun. But I think Wanda might be the one who will be driving this team. She’s a firecracker.

Dave and Lori
A young couple that has been dating for 3 years. Hailing from Kansas, these guys fully admit to being total geeks, and they aren’t afraid to put it out there. They really seem like a fun couple who are truly in love.

Which team will win the million dollars? Who will have emotional breakdowns in the middle of a tough eating challenge? Who’s going to threaten to break people in half? Phil has gathered the teams at beautiful Red Rocks Ampitheater in the foothills outside of Denver. It’s time for Phil’s motivational speech, and he delivers in always dramatic Phil fashion. The teams will find their first clue at the top of the ampitheater on their luggage. On your marks….It’s go time!!

In the premiere leg of the race, the teams have several clues and tasks to complete. Let’s take a look at what they have to do:

(1) Get thee from Red Rocks Ampitheater to Denver International Airport and book tickets on one of three flights to Sao Paolo, Brazil-American Airlines flight #348 departing at 1:25, Continental flight #498 departing at 2:30, or United flight #932 departing at 3:30. They have $140 for this leg of the race.
(2) Once in Sao Paolo, head to the rooftop of the Unique Hotel for their next clue.
(3) Using the traffic logged streets of Sao Paolo, head to the Viaduto Santa Efigenia Bridge-a historic bridge in the city.
(4) Detour-Motorhead or Rotorhead. Teams must choose between 2 tasks involving popular forms of transportation in Sao Paolo. In Motorhead, the teams must head to a motorcycle shop and put a motorcycle together using a completed one as a guide. In Rotorhead, teams head to a nearby airport and use a flight directory to identify 1 of three buildings that they will fly to. The buildings vary in distance from the airport, and there are only so many tickets available for each building.
(5)Next, teams must travel by taxi to the neighborhood of Santa Cecilia and find a particular warehouse, where they will witness a traditional Candomble religious type ceremony, and light a candle for good luck.
(6)Finally, after the ceremony, the teams will travel to the pitstop for this leg of the race, Estadia de Pacaembu, a World Cup Soccer stadium.

BJ and Tyler
These guys get out of Red Rocks in first place. I’m betting they’ve seen plenty of Widespread Panic or Phish shows at Red Rocks, so they know the twisty parking lot roads well. They arrive at the airport as a part of the main group of racers that all occupy the shuttle bus from the parking lot. Arriving at the American Airlines desk second behind Danielle and Dani, Tyler immediately assigns the girls the name “Team Double D”. These guys are just so fun! They are introducing themselves to everyone, and you can tell they are just having fun. In Brazil, they have already picked up some helpful phrases in Portuguese from some locals, and tell their taxi driver how he is the greatest. Taxi man loves that, and puts a little extra metal on the pedal to get the boys to the Hotel Unique quickly, but still in fourth place. They do a little jig on the rooftop to celebrate finding the “fresh” clue, let out a yell, and head for the bridge where they choose Rotorhead. They leave the airport second, and arrive at the closest building in the same place. Tyler loves the whole “Bond” experience of the chopper in the city. Once they get back to the airport, they head straight to the warehouse. These two really get into the ceremony, hugging everyone and dancing around the room. The get their clue and head to Estadio de Pacaembu. They arrive…

Joesph and Monica
Following right behind “The Hippies” Team MoJo(as their shirts say—but wouldn’t that be JoMo since CBS is listing Joseph first?), these guys immediately strike me as the probable “ugly Americans” in this edition. Monica immediately assumes that BJ and Tyler must not have been smoking pot for awhile since they were able to run to the top so quickly. Once at the airport, Monica already seems to be breaking down since they are not able to get on either of the first two flights. Giving up already? Do I sense a new Flo here? They arrive in Brazil and head for the hotel, and then to the bridge where they unwittingly clue Fran and Barry in to where the clue box is. They, too, choose Rotorhead, and head for the airport where they meet Team Hippie on their way out. They are prepared for a wild ride over Sao Paolo. After they find the atrium building, they have a pilot fly them there, and they quickly find their clue. They experience some of Brazil’s famous traffic on their way to the warehouse, samba their way through the room, and get their clue. They excitedly head for the pitstop, and arrive…

Lake and Michelle
Lake immediately takes control of his team and makes Michelle drive to the airport. He is impetuous and makes the huge mistake of not reading all of the instructions in the clue. It clearly states that you cannot reserve the plane tickets over the phone, so what does he do? Yep, he instructs Michelle to get off the highway so they can call the airlines. Only after they get back into the car with Lake driving does Michelle realize his mistake—and he won’t even admit to screwing up! They eventually make it on the last departing flight for Brazil. Once there, they both turn out to be the typical non-Spanish speaker, and add an “o” to the end of every word to tell their driver to goto the Unique-O Hotel-O. Soon after they arrive, they get themselves to the bridge, and find the clue for the Detour quickly. They choose Motorhead, and get to the motorcycle shop to start putting together their motorbike. Lake is the man in charge here, and he doesn’t want any second doubts from his woman. A true Southern gentleman! They assemble their motorcycle pretty quickly, and when the judge kickstarts the bike, Lake high fives the obviously struggling Barry. Like I said…true Southern gentleman. They flee for the ceremony in Santa Cecilia, get their clue and head on to play some soccer with Phil. They arrive…

Danielle and Dani
The girls are just so excited to be going to Brazil. Although they seem to be traveling without a brush or makeup(the horrors!), they are planning to be the belles of the ball with their beauty. They arrive at the American Airlines desk first, and are the first team on the first flight out. They make it to the hotel just in 7th place, just as Eric and Jeremy—who introduce themselves--are leaving. The girls laugh and snark at the unwanted introduction. Ahh, to be young and clueless again. They get to the bridge and find the clue as the fifth team, since Fran and Barry can’t seem to find the cluebox. Somehow they evade the older couple, and head over to Motorhead, where they try to use their girly charms on some unsuspecting guy to get him to help them. I don’t think the guy even speaks English, and he tries to tell the girls that he has no idea how to put a motorcycle together, he was just checking out the hubbub when some crazy American girls grabbed him. Eventually these two figure out that they don’t know how to assemble such a complex piece of machinery—it’s not like putting on makeup for God’s sake—and that no one is going to help them. They give up and head to the helipad to fly around Sao Paolo and luck out and book a flight to the second closest building. Arriving at the building, they find their clue quickly and get the heck out of Dodge, bust some moves at the religious ceremony warehouse, and head toward the stadium. They arrive…

Eric and Jeremy
These slackers are just so impressed by the niceness of the car, so they’re happy to just be on the road. They might just take the $140 and head to the bars to pick up chicks. You know they’ll be hitting on the New York dolls at some point. They go right for the United flight, and are the first team on that second flight out. They get off to a great start in Brazil, and start asking the driver that is taking them to the hotel who he has seen so far. When it turns out they are behind the Mother/daughter team and not the Double D’s, they are disappointed to say the least and call them bitches. No spicy Latinas for these guys, I guess. After awkwardly introducing themselves to Danielle and Dani, they get to the bridge, find the clue, and head to the airport for some Rotorhead. They find their destination, find a pilot and get underway first. Their pilot Martinez whisks them to the closest building, and the frat boys find their clue quickly. They get back to the airport and head for the ceremony at the warehouse, where they are escorted by a snake-wearing priest-guy up to an altar. They light their candle, grab a taxi and head for the soccer stadium pit stop. They arrive…

Fran and Barry
Even though they are older, Fran and Barry live in Colorado, so they are already used to the thinner air at altitude. They arrive at American Airlines third, and are the last team on the first flight. Their flight arrives in Brazil second, and they head for the hotel to arrive in 6th place. They’re off to the bridge. Once there, they walk the bridge over and over to find the clue box. Barry thinks it might be down below the bridge, even though they have both walked by it several times. Maybe their real professions are as umpires in baseball? I don’t know how they could have missed it. At one point, I thought Barry was going to lean on the box and take a break from looking. After another team goes right to the clue box, they finally get the clue, and choose Motorhead, because Fran is supposedly good at putting things together. It’s not a puzzle, Fran! It’s a machine that you have to understand how it works so that you can put it together and it works. That’s how you get the clue. After they realize that they don’t even know what a sparkplug is, let alone where the heck it goes, they give up and head to Rotorhead where they run into several other teams. Quickly finding the San Luis Gonzaga building, they fly off to find their clue. Back at the airport, they quickly find a taxi and head off for the warehouse to get their last clue. They head to the pitstop and arrive…

Dave and Lori
Is this the only team with heads on their shoulders? Lori says it best on the way to the airport…it doesn’t matter if you are being passed at this point of the race. Everyone will make it to Brazil, it’s not like one team will be left behind. They go right to the United counter, and are in line for the third pair of tickets on flight #2. They get to the hotel in 5th place, but make up some time on the way to the bridge, and open that clue in 4th place. In the cab on the ride over to Rotorhead, they demonstrate their secret handshake for the camera. They’re a little weird—and I like it. These two really share a common geekiness, and they love it. After finding the atrium building in the flight directory, they get airborne, land on the building, and quickly find their clue. They get back to the airport, and head down for the ceremony at the warehouse. Once they find the right address, Lori nor Dave seem to take any joy in the ceremony, even though Lori thought it was so cool. Then why did you race-walk right in, light the candle and flee? They grab a taxi to take them to the pitstop. They arrive…

Ray and Yolanda
On their way to the airport, Ray reveals that this will be the longest time this couple has ever spent together, even though they have been dating for 5 years. I know what it’s like, man. I feel you. Long distance dating is hard! They make it on the last flight out and arrive at the Hotel Unique in 10th place. The head over to the bridge, where they choose to detour at Motorhead. They arrive at the motor cycle shop behind several other teams, and choose to assemble their motorcycle out in the street…much to Yolanda’s dismay. There are a lot of boys that hang out in and around motorcycle shops, and the group that watched Ray and Yolanda assembling their bike let out whoops and hollers everytime she bent over. They’re motorcycle Kung Fu was satisfactory, and after some fuel mixture adjustments by the judge, they get their clue. They head down for some religious ritualizin’, get the clue to head to the pitstop, and arrive…

Wanda and Desiree
These ladies are already high energy. As they drive away, Mom Wanda declares “Team Boricua(that’s Team Puerto Rican ) here we come! Once at the airport, Desiree correctly analyzes the situation at American Airlines, and gets her mom to quickly head over to United to be the second team on the second flight. Once in Brazil, Wanda uses her knowledge of Spanish and Portuguese to help them get around in taxis very easily. They arrive first at the Unique Hotel, a cool looking building that kinda looks like a ship in dry dock. They arrive in first, and head for the next clue on the bridge, which they also find first. They choose Rotorhead for the detour, and get to the airport fourth and traililng. For some reason, they don’t even search for the nearest building to fly to, since they quickly found the furthest one and just didn’t want to look anymore. Smart. Go as far away as you can, while others just stay close and build a lead. They do get their clue, get back to the airport, and haul buns down to the warehouse ceremony. Dancing their way up to light a candle, they get their clue, and head for the stadium. They arrive…

John and Scott
John and Scott are the second to last team to leave Red Rocks. As they leave, John names the team behind them as “The Frosties”, probably because of their frosted blond hair. Once they get to the shuttle parking and get on a shuttle with the ladies, they all become instant friends. An alliance is born! John is very concerned that they will be flying on a small plane, since he hasn’t flown in 8 years. He doesn’t like to fly. Well, now is a good time to learn to enjoy it. Once at the airport, they immediately go for the Continental flight, which leaves last. They’re setting their sights high right out of the gates. At least they listen up when Lisa and Joni book their tickets—they realize this flight leaves last and head right over to the United counter to get the last seats on the second flight out. Once they arrive, they make it to the Unique Hotel in third place, and head towards the bridge. Unfortunately for them, their taxi picking skills are not that lucky. Their driver doesn’t know where the bridge is, and these guys don’t think to get out of their cab. They eventually get out of the cab, and John starts pestering passers-by about where they are going or do they speak English. No one even wants to give them the time of day! John really feels nervous about their situation, and thinks Scott needs a better direction. Eventually, they arrive at the bridge, get their clue and choose to Rotorhead, even though John is still afraid of flying. When they arrive at the airport, they have a hissy screaming fit with the Frosties, since both teams realize there is still hope to not be last. John is really starting to breakdown. He takes his frustrations out on Scott repeatedly, but is lucky Scott is a patient guy. The only building left is the furthest one, and they grudgingly book their flight. During the flight, Scott leans over and whispers to John “I’m so proud of you.” You two just get a room already! He expected John to be more freaked out in the helicopter than he was. John seems to be enjoying the flight. Perhaps someone gave him some valium. They get their clue and this time have better luck in picking a taxi from the airport. On the way from the airport, Scott calls for “Genie Power”, which is apparently something that John does when they want something. John crosses his arm like “I Dream of Genie”, does a little headshake, and they make a wish. Whatever works. They get down to the ceremony and light their candle as if they were just married and lighting a unity candle. They get their clue and head to Estadia de Pacaembu to arrive…

Lisa and Joni
Last to leave the beautiful Red Rocks Ampitheater, these ladies are really looking forward to the race. Joni notes that they have $140 for this leg…probably to eat monkey testicles. Well, you are in Colorado, so you could get some Rocky Mountain Oysters(yes, they are bull testicles fried up) if they really wanted them. They go with the boys right to the Continental desk, and book tickets without even finding out which flight arrives last. It’s their flight of course, and it is to late to cancel their tickets. They’re flight ends up arriving last in Brazil, and they hurriedly get to the hotel in last place. Last, last, last. They eventually get to the bridge, and choose Rotorhead. At the airport, they finally see some other teams, including their ambiguously gay buddies John and Scott, and finally start racing again. They scream and swoon like teenage girls when the Beatles first came to America. Hyperventilating, the ladies find their destination and book a flight, and Joni pees her pants a little on her way to the chopper. On the flight, I think she might have even dropped a deuce in her pants she was so scared. Once they find their clue in the building, Joni shows us her Weaver side and decides to start praying since they are closer to heaven in the air. Come to think of it, Joni has been invoking God’s name with repeated “Oh My Gawd!’s” the entire race thus far. They get their clue and head to the pitstop. They arrive…


The Results

1sr – Eric and Jeremy. They each win $10,000 for winning leg number 1.
2nd – BJ and Tyler. They haven’t eaten, but are still full of energy for the race.
3rd – Wanda and Desiree
4th - Dave and Lori
5th – Lake and Michelle
6th – Team MoJo-Joesph and Monica
7th – Ray and Yolanda
8th – Fran and Barry
9th – Danielle and Dani
10th – A very surprised yet elated Lisa and Joni

And that means that John and Scott are the last to arrive. They have both been eliminated from the race. I guess John’s whole genie act was all for naught. He really overcame his fear of flying, though, since the helicopter ride was more beautiful than scary. Scott says that John has really ripped open his whole “fear closet” and really started going through his fears. Scott…don’t you both have a closet to open?


Next week on “The Amazing Race”
Dani flexes for Eric, and a chemistry is brewing between the Double Ds and the alpha males. Dani must overcome her fear of heights in order to rappel down the side of a building, and Fran has a wet and wild adventure on a cliff climb.

If I hear Joni scream one more time, I’m gonna freak. mrdobolina@fansofrealitytv.com