Voted off first…
Notwithstanding the fact that being selected for this program from the tens of thousands of applicants is an achievement all by itself (unless you frequent the Belly in LA, in which case it seems admittance to a reality TV show is a birthright), to be the one to go first is always disappointing.
Voted off first…
Ryan made the first walk of shame last night, but if it is any consolation, at least that walk wasn’t across a balance beam, or he might have hurt himself.
Voted off first…
Yes Ryan, welcome to an extended stay in Loser Lodge. I hope you found the accommodations to your liking. But where does Ryan go from here? What does his future hold? Those questions were my task to find out.
Donning the spiked immunity necklace from Survivor Thailand (acquired from a recent online auction), I sit in my circle of Survivor memorabilia:
Richard Hatch’s hardly worn t-shirt from the original show
Tina Wesson’s dog eared copy of the book, “How to Use the Mommy Complex to Your Advantage”
Ethan Zohn’s hacky sack
Vecepia Towery’s poetry focusing on forgiving others for their sinful lying and cheating
And of course, my Directors Cut DVD of Brian Hedik’s penultimate role playing Alvin in Virgins of the Sherwood Forest..
To view the future, I must now utter the magical Mark Burnett words of power… “Ippidy dipody soda pop, Jeffy Probst is a snot!”
Lights flash… smoke surrounds me… and no, not because I am baking cookies… “Oh spirits, show me the future of Ryan!”
Everything goes black… but there, in the distance slowly approaching, I see it. It appears to be a newspaper. Finally a single article comes into focus.
Local Actor Wins Oscar
Ellicott City Picayune – March 25, 2006
HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Aiken took home the Oscar for Best Actor last night for his heartwarming portrayal of an all too human superhero in Superman - Forget the Bad Guys, I am Looking for Babes.
Many Hollywood insiders were shocked at the win, and expressed concern over the new voting rules which allowed former reality show contestants to vote. “These new rules allow nearly everyone in America to vote on these prestigious awards, and it cheapens the process.” complained veteran actor Clint Eastwood.
Meanwhile others were not quite so kind, “If they don’t change these rules back, I am going to move out of the US and take Babs with me. I swear I will do it this time. Don’t push it America, you need your Baldwins!” a somewhat inebriated Alec Baldwin said. It was his nineteenth threat to leave the country in the past sixth months.
Charlton Heston added his comments, “I wanted to shoot the little pipsqueak, but those damn security guards disarmed me at the door.”
Aiken brushed aside the criticism and expressed his appreciation to the recently combined Academy of Motion Picture and Television Sciences for his win. “It was awesome,” said a happy Ryan during his post award party held at the In and Out Burger in Tustin. “I have always wanted to be Superman so I could use my X-Ray vision to see into the girls locker room. This role… like totally… let me do that on the big screen. It was a dream come true.”
However, many critics panned the film, in which Superman discovers that there are many women in the world who look even better than Lois Lane, and that he has the means to meet quite a few of them. Women’s groups protested outside of theatres nationwide, finding the plot to be sexist and the actresses in the film to represent and unrealistic view of the female figure.
Dismissing those complaints, Aiken recently told Maxim magazine, “I was excited about the chance to work with an accomplished actress, and full figured woman, like Calista Flockheart. She taught me a lot on how to deal with women who have a weight issue. Now, I prefer my women to not be cracking that chubby triple digits, but thanks to Calista, I can relate to the tribulations that those hotties go through trying to get down from blimpo numbers like 105. It’s tough to do!”
As for rumors of an on-set romance with costar Lara Flynn Boyle, Ryan simply laughs and says, “Now she is a beautiful woman. I respect her talent and the way she keeps herself in shape!”
Superman - Forget the Bad Guys, I am Looking for Babes grossed more than $300 Million in the United States alone, and there is talk already of a sequel, where Ryan would team up with last year’s Best Supporting Actor winner Evan Marriott. That news is distressing to many local parents who were appalled by the first iteration of the movie.
Local mother Flo Whiney led a protest rally at the Main Street Movie Theatre last weekend. A crowd of over 10 people showed up to express their outrage with the movie, particularly a scene where Superman interrupts a bank robbery in process. Rather than completing the apprehension of the bad guys, Superman, played by Aiken, stops off to flirt with a scantily clad bank teller. Only after getting her number (or her ‘digits’ as expressed in Superman’s new lingo) does our hero realize that the robbers have gotten away.
Whiney says, “What kind of a role model is he? This movie tears down one of the last standards of honesty and decency in this country!”
Aiken has heard those arguments and more, and responds, “What kind of a role model is he? He is a real guy. I can tell you that any guy who had those kind of powers would not be wasting all of his time rounding up the bad guys. He’d be hanging out at health clubs and colleges checking out the babes.”
In the film’s climatic sequence, a drunk Superman stumbles on to the set of a Sports Illustrated bathing suit issue photo shoot. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor, Superman’s arch nemesis, completes his take over of the United Nations. Rather than save the world from the diabolical criminal, Superman is shown putting the moves on several of the Supermodels and using pickup lines such as, “I’ll bet you hotties can’t guess what’s under the cape!”
Director Oliver Stone defends the scene saying that it is an abstract representation of the Kennedy assassination cover up, combined with the eternal struggle of good versus evil.
This reporter disagrees, though I do give credit to Stone for putting forth a more plausible explanation in this film as compared to the laughably contrived story he bought for JFK.
For his part, Ryan doesn’t really see the point in arguing for a deeper meaning to the movie. “Come on! It’s a guy who can check out babes all day long! X-Ray vision! Jeez, it is so easy, what more do you need to know? I only wish it were a true story…”
Ryan isn’t resting on his laurels. Aside from the potential sequel, he is currently working on two projects including a made for TV movie called Superman Saves the Cheerleader Squad, “I am really looking forward to that movie,” says a smiling Aiken.
Secondly, he has launched his own brand of pizza, called ‘Babeizza’. It is pizza pies baked in pans shaped like women. “Every slice has extra cheese!” said a beaming Ryan at the opening of his first restaurant. He says that his pizza recipe is a reflection of his outlook on life. I tried a small slice, and found the pizza to be a little light on ingredients and rather bland tasting.
There is no denying though that Ryan Aiken will be in the public spotlight for the foreseeable future. His remarkable focus and dedication to his career will ensure that this Elliott City native continues to make a name for himself, all in the quest for hot chicks.
Suddenly the darkness clears, and I awake to find myself sitting in my room. It appears that Ryan has a bright future indeed, despite his rapid exit from the Amazon.
As I put away my supplies, I look ahead to next week, and wonder what stories we will learn from the next evictee.
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