9/28 The Apprentice-Martha Stewart Recap: An Ass Runs Amok In The Flower Shop

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Last week we were treated to a spectacular Suncat7 recap in which we learned the contestants were broken into two groups: the creative team, Matchstick, and the corporate team, Primarius. (Apparently, according to Burnett and Martha, people can’t be creative and corporate-minded). The challenge was to re-write a classic children’s story, and the poor children subjected to Matchstick’s story are probably still having nightmares. Jeff found himself getting a Dear Jeff letter penned by Martha, and has never been heard from since. This is just a stab in the dark, but I’m guessing that was not his first rejection letter (personal or business), nor will it be his last.

Jimbo The Clown

Burnett knows good television when he sees it, and it’s clear Jim is going to be the star of tonight’s episode. We’re immediately forced to watch as Jim begins grandstanding in his cocky, ruthless, dramatic way. Ah hell, let’s just call it like it is. Jim’s an ass. Sarah pegs him beautifully when she says his tactic is to slit the throats of everyone else on the team. Viewers should bring their young children into the room, point at him and say, “Do you see that man? Don’t do drugs.” This guy is certainly drunk with the power of being on television, or simply drunk. I’ll let you choose.

It’s time for Martha’s Shameless Plug for the evening: www.marthasflowers.com She rattles off a variety of flowers, then cuts to the chase. Each team gets their own retail space for a flower business, and Chuck on Team Matchstick, volunteers as PM since he’s done freelance flower work for years. Uh oh. It’s never a good sign when someone volunteers they’ll be perfect for the job because this is their forte. He suggests the strategy of selling a single type of flower, rather than fussy bouquets, and they settle on tulips. They arrange for 2,000 fresh tulips to be flown in from Holland the following day by 6:30am. Jim has great ideas (of course he does), and wants to concentrate on marketing hotels. Bethenny and Jim proceed to grab the phone back and forth from each other like four-year-olds fighting over their favorite Tonka truck. In the middle of this free-for-all, Chuck begins to meltdown. Woo hoo! This team is going down in flames, baby.

In keeping with the Trump Apprentice cookie-cutter programming, it is now time for Trump Martha to give tonight’s business tip of the day, What Makes A Good Leader. We see her approving blueprints, and she tells us details make the difference. As Martha is lecturing, my mind begins to wander, and all I hear is wah, wah, wah like the Peanuts kids hear when adults talk. Can someone please tell me why we need two Apprentice shows?

Sarah comes up with the horrendous idea of putting models in Dutch-girl outfits to peddle the tulips, and everyone thinks it’s a great idea but Bethenny. Chaos ensues as everyone continually interrupts and talks over each other. It’s obvious no one is listening. It’s like watching a dysfunctional family at Thanksgiving dinner when all have had too much wine and too much time together. Chuck admits his team needs direction from him, but says he doesn’t know where to start. He’s like a parent who has lost any semblance of control. That’s it! They need Super Nanny! She’d straighten them all out, beginning with putting Jim on the naughty mat. Now that would be a good thing. Wee! Chuck declares he’s handing his leadership role to someone else and he’s “leaving the loft.” For some unexplained reason, Jim is almost reduced to tears at the thought, and Sarah and Dawna fuss over Chuck. Once Dawna kisses his forehead, he leaps out of his chair, commands everyone to listen to him, and suddenly he declares they will be selling bundles of tulips. Snap! Wow, that’s some powerful kiss Dawna packs.

Why Do The Job When You Can Hire Someone To Do It For You?

Believing their shop is in an area that caters to the ‘high end,' Carrie, the PM for Primarius, decides to hire a celebrity florist, believing their wealthy neighbors will flock to meet him. Okay. They settle on Rene Hofstede, and we’re informed he’s designed flowers for Oprah. Say it with me now, “oooooo.” He agrees to join forces with them as long as they don’t give discounts on the flower arrangements. Being familiar with Burnett’s production format, I can pretty much guarantee we’ll be seeing discounted flowers before the show is over.

They set up shop using Rene’s props, equipment, and décor. They have a beautiful array of flowers, but very high-priced, so although they are not lacking customers, no sales are being made. Right on cue, Howie realizes prices need to be cut in order to make sales, and once Rene is convinced, the prices are marked down. Flowers are leaving the store so quickly, they’re practically walking out on their own. They have an abundance of customers, and the team is united. Matchstick, on the other hand, is a wreck.

Just What Are We Selling Again?

By 9:00pm the night before the Big Sale, Marcela, Bethenny and Dawn, clothed in black evening dresses and spike heels, begin to walk the streets passing out flyers with directions to the flower shop. Probably confusing the women with hookers, we see a carload of men carefully peel Bethenny off their car door and quickly drive away. It’s probably a safe guess that Charlie Sheen wasn’t in the car.

The following day at the shop, Jim and Shawn paint, Jim and Dawn argue, the others gawk, and Chuck comes unglued. Let’s face it, this team is a mess. I think Martha should fire all of them and be done with it. At any moment I expect them to start flogging each other with tulip stems.

Jim is out front watching the Dutch Girls pimping their wares (by wares, I mean the flowers, of course), but they’re standing on a vacant street corner. They should have worn wooden shoes. Quite possibly the clomping sound as they walked would have at least prompted some folks to stick their heads out windows to see what all the noise was about. Carolyn and George Alexis and Charles watch and wisecrack to each other that there is some question about what they may be selling. Ah, so it wasn’t just me. Charles sums up Matchstick’s philosophy as stack ‘em high and stack ‘em deep, a sort of Pamela Anderson way of doing business, I suppose. He adds, “at the end of the day, we’ll see whose strategy worked better.” Good to see ’at the end of the day’ is still alive and well in the Burnett script.

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn

The cohesive team Primarius nets twice as much as Team Self-Destruct. For their reward, they will create a garden for a recently renovated children’s art and recreation center. Utilizing an old lot, an organization called New York Cares is joined by NYC volunteers, neighborhood children and Primarius, and lots of planting takes place. Sarah eloquently states that sometimes rewards are not about taking, sometimes rewards are about giving. It was very touching, and looks like a good time was had by all. Dawna is so touched, she has a small trail of tears running down her face.

Will You Walk Into My Parlour Said The Spider To The Fly

The Jim/Dawn feud continues, but thankfully Jim seems to be losing his voice. Jim does his best to ’buck-up’ Chuck, but a defeated Chuck seems to be ready to cash in his chips. As Chuck leaves the room, Jim calls out, “I love you….I love you…” like an insecure lover who only says the words in the hopes it will be repeated back to him. Bah. For a brief moment, I had an insecure, ranting idiot like him in my past, and my advice to Chuck is, “RUN!” Martha will never hire him, it’s simply a matter of time before he receives a Dear Jim letter from her, I’m sure.

The team enters the boardroom and sheesh, Martha looks haggard. Either the stress of doing the show, combined with her regular duties is wearing on her, or the realization that her show actually brought the manic Jim into her parlour is unsettling to her. And what’s with the unlit cigar Charles is constantly chomping on like a Binky? I think a good future task for the teams would be to create decorative ribbons for his cigars. He could tie one end of the ribbon around the cigar, and clip the other end to his shirt collar, so his cigar is always at the ready. Sort of a cigar minder. Take note, Martha, I’m full of good ideas.

When asked what went wrong with their team, Chuck says he thinks the team is too creative. Martha thinks they’re not creative enough, and says the tulip ladies were a terrible idea. Bethenny admits that was the only theme they could come up with to represent Holland. Horrified, Martha fears she will now be getting thousands of letters from the insulted viewers in Holland, at which point, Bethenny realizes she’s just pulled a classic Homer Simpson. D’oh. Alexis takes up her mother’s argument by mentioning the Dutch Girls couldn’t even answer any questions regarding tulips while they were out peddling them. Jim adds chuckling, “it was so ridiculous, they were sent loose like dogs.” Yep, Jim is definitely not a good thing for Martha.

As Chuck continues to take full responsibility for their failure, emphasizing he had a nervous breakdown, Jim shouts “no,” and seems to make it his personal agenda to keep Chuck from going down in flames. He wants Dawn out so badly, he’s willing to continue to make himself look like an ass to do it. Sweating profusely, Jim says, “I take that as a deep, personal wounding insult that he would say that.” As Jim’s voice continues to rise, and his sweat glands work overtime, Dawn, who is sitting between the two men, actually tries to move her chair a few inches away from the table. Jim is out of control, and if he truly feels he’s got a shot at being hired by Martha, he’s crazier than he appears. Frankly, if any corporation sees him heading toward the front door, here’s some advice. Lock the doors, disconnect the phones, and hide behind something bulletproof. Jim blames all the team dysfunctions on Dawn, and she strongly defends herself. He claims she’s the weakest link (wrong show, Bucky). The more worked up Jim gets, the more Charles sucks on his unlit cigar. As the boardroom antics increase, Bethenny admits she’s so embarrassed of her team she could cry. Uh oh. The hairs on the back of Martha’s perfectly scrubbed neck stiffen, and she counters, “Cry and you’re out of here. Women in business don’t cry, my dear.” Not my dear as said in a sweet Auntie Martha voice, but said with a tone like you’d expect from Miss Gulch in the Wizard of Oz. Finally Chuck chooses Dawn and Jim to return to the boardroom with him.

With a crinkled brow, Dawn claims she made a lot of contributions to the team, while Jim shakes his head, and makes pouty faces. Charles finally calls him on it and Jim states that she doesn’t do anything. Chuck admits the team was grasping at straws, and that he doesn’t manage people well. He says he brought Jim and Dawn into the boardroom with him because by far the biggest conflict with the team is between these two, and he was hoping it could all be flushed out here and now. Martha chastises them for their bad attitudes and says she even went to jail, and never gave up or whined about it. With that, she sends Chuck on his way, and Jim is so devastated, he looks like he’s going to cry. I wish he would. I’d love to see Martha fire him on the spot, too. Sadly however, there will be just one firing tonight, and Martha pulls out a sheet of beautifully embossed paper and begins,

Dear Chuck,

You’re outta here.

And with that *poof* he’s gone.

What would you do if you saw Jim headed your way? Email me at roseskid@fansofrealitytv.com.

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