8/9 Big Brother show recap: Love Means … Saving Your Own Butt

[Lucy]

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Hey, there. As you all know, if it’s a day ending in “y”, Big Brother is on. I have to admit up front that I haven’t really been following the show. I mean, it’s on three freakin’ times a week. I just don’t have the attention span for that, I’m too ADD. I’m easily distracted by all the other things that are only on once a week. So I’m winging it here. I trust you all to fill in the context.


Not Quite Mr. Brightside

We kick things off with a preview of last … well, not week, last time the show was on the air. Howie won Head of Household, and James felt safe, because his buddy-boy was in the throne. But James was wrong; evidently he’s been scheming behind his alliance’s back, and it’s come back to haunt him. Howie nominated James and his girl-toy Sarah for eviction, placing the couple in the uncomfortable position of realizing they’ve been back-stabbed, AND that one of them is probably going home, unless the planets line up in a spectacular way for James, which they very well might. Because hey, this is reality TV, where the most unreal things always happen.

So naturally, the question to be answered tonight is, who will win the power of veto, and will they use it on James, Sarah, or neither? Unfortunately, it will take us 45 minutes to get the answer.

Howie tells us that James is dangerous – presumably from a strategic, not a physical, standpoint. Sarah, meanwhile, cries in the confessional room and says it’s so hard, because you build loyalties in the house and then they’re just ripped to shreds.

James is fuming. He says he’s shocked and betrayed, and says the others see him and Sarah as the only thing standing between them and the money at the end. For some reason, he finds this “unbelievable.” Someone DID tell him this is a game, right?

Maggie tells us that the friendship (what? Is that the best name they could come up with for their alliance? Geez.) would have been upset if Howie had not put James and Sarah up. Indeed, she adds, the whole house wants James gone, so not placing him for eviction would have made Howie a target.

Howie says that hindsight may prove him wrong years down the road – when he might still be considering this month in the Big Brother house the best month of his life – but for now he has no regrets about his nominations.


Someone Call a Scriptwriter

Post-nomination, Sarah and James adjourn to the gold bedroom, where their conversation goes like this:
Sarah: “Wow.”
James: “Wow.”
Sarah: “That was a kick in the ass.”
James: “That was a kick in the ass.”
Sarah: “Wow.”

Can’t we just evict them both NOW based on utter insipidity?

James says it’s a betrayal, and he wants to go talk to Howie. Sarah attaches herself to his leg and begs him not to go, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. James shakes her off and goes anyway, so of course she follows him.

Despite his vow to talk to Howie, once out in the main room James goes after Maggie, telling her she “won.” Evidently there’s some bad blood between these two or something. Maggie says it’s not all about him and her, and privately tells us that James has issues with confrontation.

James asks Howie to talk, but is stalled by April, who leaps in to remind him that last week he swore on the Bible that he was going to pick Howie and Rachel for eviction. “Why don’t you admit you lied a lot?” April asks. Well, April, because that would be stupid. Plausible deniability, that’s the key. Although it works less well when your every move was videotaped.

April tells us James is shady, and she knew it from the get-go, and that he’s a liar and a dumb liar, because he got caught. Because at least good liars get some respect.


How Dare You Accuse Me of Something I Really Did?

Finally James corners Howie, and they and Sarah traipse off into the HOH room. They ask Howie why he nominated them, and Howie says they destroyed his plan by betraying him and their alliance.

James denies it, and Sarah says Howie is the next target. Others of the Friendship of the Ring wander in, and James says he’s disappointed in them all. That whole disappointment thing might carry some weight when it’s your dad, but coming from James it sounds pretty weak. Anyway, he says there was no backdoor deal to get rid of Howie and Rachel, and claims he did not swear anything on a Bible, and suggests they all just cut off their noses to spite their faces.

Thank heavens for video. We see a clip of James swearing to Ivette – possibly on a Bible -- that he would nominate Howie and Rachel. So obviously James is skeezy. I mean, this IS Big Brother – it’s really just a question of who’s skeeziest.

With the ranting over for now – but, in an over-arching sense, just begun – James and Sarah return to the gold bedroom of angst to bitch alone some more. Sarah point-blank asks him if he swore anything to the Dark Side, and he admits he did. She’s pissed, and says she TOLD him not to talk to people. I gather that whatever double-crossing James had going on, he didn’t let Sarah in on it. So he’s strategizing without her. Always dangerous. Especially when the strategizer is convinced he’s the smarter person of the team and he’s maybe not so much.

Then James says he promised Ivette that he wants to get rid of Maggie first. This is why I’m confused, actually. Maybe it was just a long conversation and James was vowing to get rid of everyone. It doesn’t really matter, of course – the truth is always a moot point in these sorts of competitions. It all comes down to perception.

Sarah breaks down in tears for, like, the second time in ten minutes. I’m really not liking her so far. “We’re not bad people,” she sobs. “Why are they doing this to us?” James answers, “Because they are bad people.” Oh, please. That’s about as simplistic and inaccurate as a political campaign slogan.

Later, still tearfully, Sarah says she doesn’t want to quit, but she also doesn’t want to be in the house without her Jamesy-wamesy. Obviously, both of them assume he’ll be the one voted out.


Apparently It’s Possible To Make a Pinata Even Tackier

Fortunately we now leave this little whiney love-fest and go outside, where the yard has been decorated like an American’s conception of a Mexican feast. Sadly, Sarah turns up within seconds, squeals with delight, fetches James, and the two dig in to the salsa and the margaritas without telling the other houseguests.

Obviously, when one’s backyard is strewn with sombreros and piñatas, people in the house are going to notice eventually. It’s Jennifer who interrupts Sarah and James’ little partido para dos. She bypasses the margaritas and homes in on the line of people-shaped piñatas, which apparently represent the houseguests. Jennifer says it would look bad if she didn’t tell her posse immediately, so she hoists a piñata and trips off upstairs.

It turns out the houseguests are supposed to decorate the piñatas to resemble themselves. Sarah, further proving that she’s just such a ray of sunshine and joy to be housebound with, paints a sad face and tears on hers. James, also proving what a pleasant person he must be to hang out with, draws the golden veto medallion on his, along with putting its middle fingers up, and tops it off with a halo. Symbolic much? Howie’s has a speedo, to commemorate his gift of a speedo in his HOH package. Heh, I said package and didn’t even mean it as a double entendre. But whatever. Was he really a stripper? Ew. I’d pay money NOT to see him naked.


You Can’t Handle the Truth!

Back inside, Sarah approaches April and asks, in a sickly-sweet voice, what she could have possibly done to make them do this to her? I’m looking down to take notes and didn’t see her face, but I’d lay money she’s working some puppy-dog eyes.

James catches her, though, and tells Sarah not to get into it, and tells April they know it’s strategy. I think we all know why James wants to shut this conversation down, as it can’t help but make him look bad. April has no qualms about getting into it, though. She says that James lied, he got his girlfriend to do his dirty work, and that they brought this on themselves. April adds that Kaysar told them all about James’ backdoor dealing.

Sarah acts dumbfounded, and says April should have heard things that Kaysar said about her. What these things might be, we don’t get to hear, as James drags Sarah off.

Back in the gold bedroom, he chastises her and tells her not to “give them the satisfaction.” Of what? Fighting to stay in the game? Sarah says she’s going to make their lives a living hell, and is done being sweet and innocent. I’m thinking that if she always bursts into tears, trails around after James like a lovesick puppy, passive-aggressively decorates piñatas and tries to use girlish pouts to get her way, the other houseguests’ lives already are a living hell.


Target: A Weakness. Mission: Exploit It

At some point later, Janelle is in the gold room staring lovingly into the mirror. James asks her if she really believes he and Sarah are out to get her. She says no, but that she doesn’t have a choice here. Janelle also points out that all the Other Side’s stories about James and his Bible-swearing match up.

Sarah points out that any decent alliance would make sure to get their story straight before they started spreading defamatory rumors, and that the other side spent a lot of time in the HOH room probably doing just that. She says they made up things that turned the house against Michael – we see a shot of April telling Janelle that Michael made everyone uncomfortable.

This two-person attack works; Janelle says she doesn’t know who to believe anymore. Sarah reminds her that they’d all agreed to trust each other, because doubting an alliance is the surest way to end it. James can see Janelle coming around to his way of thinking. Like I said, I don’t know these people very well, but I’m thinking you could probably talk Janelle into believing the world was flat. I’m just sayin’.

Anyway, the Flat Earth Society, party of one, goes off to tell Howie she has doubts about the timing of the Other Side’s story regarding the James/Bible thing. He says if they’re making it all up, they’re better actors than he is.


Uno, Dos, Tres …Diecisiete!

Finally it’s time for the veto competition. It’s a rather complicated competition that basically involves putting candy into someone’s piñata. Whoever gets closest to 20 pieces of candy, but not over 20, wins. This would seem like a no-brainer involving basic first-grade math, except all the participants are sequestered – they insert their candy alone, not knowing what the others did. The dangers inherent in this will become obvious momentarily.

Howie, Sarah and James will play, as they’re the HOH and the two nominees. They each pick another person to play as well. Howie chooses Rachel, as she’s his partner and they have the same goal of James Booty-Kickin’. Sarah picks Jennifer because she wants someone she doesn’t want to punch. And James picks Ivette, because if she won the veto and didn’t use it, he’d understand.

Janelle is the hostess, a job title I’m thinking she’s had out in the real world.

Outside, the piñatas hang like horse thieves. Rachel is up first and says she wanted to put all her candy in James’ piñata, but then second-guessed herself. She couldn’t know what the others would do, so she spread it out. Sadly for the Friendship, this scenario repeats itself – they all hedge their bets, unsure of how many pieces of candy James has. All except Ivette, who second-guesses nothing and dumps all but one piece into James’ piñata.

If they’d all done this, things would have gone off without a hitch, at least from the friendship’s perspective. James would have gotten more than 20 pieces and been disqualified. However, predictably, as they each gleefully hack their piñata to pieces, it becomes clear that the hedging and worrying of each person screwed them all. James received 17 pieces – more than anyone else, enough to win. (I edited out the long minutes in which Janelle dramatically counted candy. You can thank me later.)

From everyone’s point of view except James, this is the worst-case scenario. The ONE person they didn’t want winning the power of veto got it. Now the whole house, except James and Sarah, must scramble to find a Plan B. “Are they freaking retarded?” Ivette asks, somewhat rhetorically. “James is going to come back and bite us all in the butt really hard, and it’s going to hurt.”

Sarah says this seals her fate. She knows – with a conviction I find odd in a supposedly loving couple – that James will save his own ass and let her swing. James vows that they’re going to see “a side of James that they might not be prepared for.” I think when someone refers to themselves in the third person, you should be prepared for them to do anything. At least, that’s Lucy’s opinion.


Sure I Love You – I’m Crying, Aren’t I?

Out in the yard, broken piñata pieces lie like limbs on a battlefield. Inside, the battle is still raging. The Cappy crew are all bitching at each other about how they went so woefully wrong. Finally, however, they agree that it doesn’t matter – they’ll just vote out Sarah and be done with it. They say James is dangerous and he plays dirty. Unlike their angelic selves, of course.

Back in the gold bedroom, James tells Sarah he doesn’t want to be without her. She says yeah, but she doesn’t want to be here without him. She sits in his lap, he cries, and nowhere does anyone suggest that if he’s so damn sad about it, he should save her instead of himself. I guess that would be taking the notion of sacrifice too far.

Outside the golden love nest, tempers are getting a bit prickly. At some point it apparently was suggested that April be put up for eviction, with the understanding that Sarah will be the one going home. However, she now thinks Ivette is the better candidate to be the stool pigeon. This doesn’t sit well with Ivette, and they snipe and second-guess each other and snipe some more about the second-guessing. Ah, division in the ranks, how predictably it comes.


Down With the World Bank – Oh, Sorry, Wrong Protest T-Shirt

Suddenly, all the houseguests are in one room with Howie announcing that Big Brother has a surprise for them. I can see the thoughts of chocolates and movie rewards dancing in their heads. Alas, these things are not to be. Instead, they’re shown the whole America’s Choice gig, and view the “please please please vote me back in” videos of the three evicted houseguests who are eligible to return – Michael, Eric and Kaysar.

The houseguests are then sent to the storage room, where T-shirts, tie-dye and paint await. Ooh, what a fun surprise! Or not. They’re to decorate the shirts to reflect the person they want voted back into the house.

I didn’t keep track of whose name appeared on the shirts most, although I will note that Janelle wants Michael back so she can get back to work on their budding romance. James’ shirt says he only wants Sarah. Then give her the freakin’ veto, lame-ass.

Later, April and Ivette are still arguing about who’s being put up for eviction. There’s a lot of “you never listen to me” and “you said yadda yadda” which is as boring to read as it is to watch, so I’m skipping it. Ivette tells us she’s “livid” at April by this point, while April thinks Ivette is getting annoying. Howie finally shuts it down by reminding them that if everything goes according to plan – i.e. if they’ll just do as they’re told and shut the hell up – it won’t matter which one of them is on the block.

Or will it? Because Ivette and James actually seem to be chums. Maggie eyes them malevolently as they chat in the yard, and whispers to April that Ivette and James could have an alliance they don’t know about. They do, after all, have some sort of bond. April fears Ivette is passing James information, although I would think Ivette inoculated herself against such speculation by not telling James he was getting nominated, and by spreading the word about the Bible-swearing. But whatever. Basically, April’s pissed at Ivette, she sees a window of opportunity and she’s going to use it. Talking later to Janelle and Howie, April stirs up similar fears in them, pointing out that Ivette is treacherous, that Sarah’s not a threat and that it might be wiser to chuck Ivette.

Incidentally, James has a moment in which he claims he’s not sure whether he’ll use the veto on himself or on Sarah. Right.


Something’s Rotten in the State of Hamsterdam

It’s finally time for the veto ceremony. Given a chance to speak up, Sarah launches into some pap about how James taught her to trust again and while being in the house has taught her not to trust anyone, she still has faith in James. Oh, barf.

James says the game is about emotions, not strategy, because if it was about strategy he wouldn’t have the veto, because people played that game out of fear. Shockingly, he chooses to save himself.

Howie, now having to replace James, nominates Ivette. Ivette wisely smells a rat, and says April and Jennifer are acting fishy. James says he realizes he’s still the biggest target in the house.

And that’s it for the hamsters this time. Tune in Thursday to see who gets evicted and who returns to the Big Brother house.

Ha! It’s too late to vote. Vent instead. lucy@fansofrealitytv.com

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