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    Joe Millionaire - Episode Five Recap

    Leaving on A Jet Plane

    Joe Millionaire
    Episode Five – Recap

    This week, the final three ladies battle for Evan’s heart while going on overnight trips with him to exotic locales via private jet. Hmm, sounds like an average third date to me.

    Does Evan realize the magnitude of the lie he is telling? Will Melissa hack up a lung? Will Sarah rely on her financial planning skills yet again to move on to the next round? Is Zora actually Miss Cleo in disguise? How long before Paul loses it and slices off a head or two with a chainsaw?

    Read on, and I think you will get answers to most of these questions and more!

    For reference, pictures and information on the ladies can be found at Fans of Reality TV, The Ladies of Joe Millionaire .

    Review and Preview

    Finally the producers have decided to shorten the intro. This faster version is just as informative as the previous editions. In other words, we still learn nothing new, but we learn it twice as fast! You can’t beat that for efficiency.

    The deep announcer voice then comes on and highlights the big events last week: Sarah slurped, Melissa pondered the poor unwashed children of the world, Zora avoided bathing suits on camera, and MoJo had to MoGo.

    Paul joins us and says that Evan has spared no expense for a fabulous adventure. He also says that even though he wasn’t invited along for the trips, he hopes that we will enjoy it. Paul, I still have a hard time believing you are a butler, even though it seems to be confirmed, but I would hire you in a minute. Well sure, I would need to be rich and all, but a guy can dream can’t he?

    How Can We Live Knowing that the Scourge of Toe Fungus Exists in the World Today?

    We join the ladies at breakfast where Paul informs Melissa that she needs to be packed and ready in the next few hours.

    The look on Melissa’s face is one of sheer panic, as she undoubtedly thought that bitch Alex had held a secret jewelry ceremony and voted her off. “Just wait until I tell Sarah about this”, she might have said.

    The fear, while perhaps a foreshadowing of the future, is not well founded. Paul lets her twist in the wind for a bit before he informs her that the packing is in preparation for a trip with Evan.

    Melissa immediately squeals and demands that everyone in the entire province drop what they are doing, and help her get ready. Sarah is right by her side helping her pack wooden shoes, floor length dresses, and a locking chastity belt… that Sarah, she is such a good friend.

    Sarah also pauses to reflect on what these overnight dates mean. “It ups the pressure” she says. I am not sure what additional pressure it holds for her, as after last week, she may well know Evan much more than her competition.

    Melissa boards the jet and flies off to meet Evan in Cannes, where they have rooms at a very swank resort hotel.

    Uh oh… It appears that the hotel staff hasn’t heard the rumors about Quick-Draw Marriott, the fastest cork slinger in the west. Evan holds the bottle over the hotel railing and fires away. Once again, he appears to nail someone down below.

    This guy’s aim is amazing, and I think we ought to get him transferred to Iraq. If you put him next to one of Hussein’s palaces, I guarantee you it will produce a rapid surrender. “Please, please… no more!” says a distressed Saddam, sporting numerous cork bruises on his face. “I will tell you where the weapons are; just don’t let DevilEvan have more champagne bottles!”

    Melissa and Evan share a drink. She let us know what her strategy will be for this date. Basically, she doesn’t want to be seen by Evan as a little sister type. No, not our Melissa, she is going to let Evan know that she is 100% woman!

    Down to the beach we go for a romantic sunset made complete by cheesy French romantic music, romping in the surf, and still more champagne.

    Later on, Evan confesses to us that he feels like he can tell Melissa anything. Clearly we should have taken that for the warning that it was.

    When you bring two deep thinkers like Evan and Melissa together, anything is possible. They solved world hunger last week, so the question is, what will they discuss this week?

    Toe Fungus.

    Yes, toe fungus, and apparently it is a wide spread problem in Evan’s world as he relates the story of how someone died from toe fungus.

    I have no idea how he came up with this topic. Maybe he thought about all of those diseases that have celebrity endorsers, and he wanted in on that action. All of the good diseases are taken, so toe fungus it is.

    That sounds pretty gross to me, and one would think that any romantic thoughts Melissa might have would be well and truly squashed.

    You might think that, but this is Melissa, so off to dinner we go.

    Melissa changes clothes, and decides that the only way to burst through the nice little sister persona is to make Evan fully aware of her ‘assets’. She goes with the very low cut blouse, and it reveals cleavage quite effectively.

    Evan notices the change immediately, and admits to the camera that he was having a hard time making eye contact during that meal. Well, we all had a difficult time with that Evan, but in my case it was taking betting action on the odds of her bursting out of the top of that thing and poking his eye out.

    Wait! It looks like he does think along those lines, as he points out to Melissa that she is popping out of her top.

    Melissa smiles and thanks him, all the while probably thinking, “No kidding! I am trying to fall out of this thing, now slide on over here sailor and come to mama!”

    They continue their frank discussion, with Melissa attempting to undermine the competition by saying to Evan that all women have an agenda, but she likes Evan for who he is. He agrees, and points out that eventually those agendas do show through. More foreshadowing perhaps?

    Melissa says that what intrigues her about Evan is that he is such an average person, and that it seems like he never has too much on his mind…

    After I clean up the Dr. Pepper I spit all over my note pad pondering that thought, I find that Melissa is undeterred. She will change her image in Evan’s eyes, and she is going to “get her game on!”

    She asks Evan about his turn on’s and turn off’s. He lets her know that he likes legs, though really I had Evan pegged as a breast man by now, as he was speaking to them rather than Melissa.

    Melissa knows what to do with that information though, and immediately thrusts her leg out in front of him. Evan is stunned. He wants to keep staring at her chest, but here is her foot crawling into his lap. Decisions, decisions… He decides to delay the choice and instead begins feeding her desert by hand.

    Evan is no fool when it comes to sexual invitations, and he suggests that they retire to a room, where they cozy up on the couch together.

    Melissa continues to work for Evan’s attention, and the camera’s for that matter, pretty much flashing all of us at several points. Suffice to say that it appears Melissa wasn’t wearing matching underwear that evening, and I saw more of her legs than I really needed to see.

    Eventually she lays back in his lap, and in the much previewed scene says, “let me make this easier.” Really? Easier? That is quite a trick given your performance already.

    With much kissing going on, and Sarah’s advice fresh in her mind, Melissa decides to seal her admittance into the next round as she accepts Evan’s invitation to try out a nice bed in the next room.

    Did it work?

    Shopping for Breasts in Paris

    Back at the chateau, Zora, of all people, is interested in how the date went for Melissa. Specifically she wants to know if she kissed him. Melissa responds that she did kiss him, but it was just a little one… then she confesses that she just says that sometimes, and then does more.

    Zora didn’t expect that kind of bluntness, and since she is next on Evan’s Tour de Femmes, she has resolved not to kiss him at all. “There is no kissing, that’s my rule.” She says.

    Meanwhile, the Cancer Twins have met up to discuss today’s topic: Zora. They are laughing about Zora being uncomfortable around Evan in her bathing suit. It seems pretty clear that Melissa is quite comfortable with Evan in her birthday suit, so maybe she could give Zora some pointers.

    Zora heads for the airport, and as I expected, she loved the flight over. Commenting repeatedly on the beauty of the view, and almost on queue, a rainbow appears as the plane comes into land.

    Evan lets her know that they are in Corsica, and it is indeed quite beautiful. I make a mental note to add Corsica to my life’s travel list.

    Zora confesses to the camera that every time she sees Evan, she learns something else about him, and it makes him an even greater guy. For his part, Evan wonders why he is so into Zora, perhaps it is her mystery.

    On the way to the hotel, they pass a bulldozer hard at work. Evan panics of course, as he is probably worried that one of his construction buddies will recognize him. They get jobs in Corsica all the time you know. He covers it well by joking with Zora.

    Evan confesses that he knows that Zora wants to go slow, and while he wants to kiss her, it is more important to him that she be comfortable, and most of all, he wants her to trust him.

    Trust you Evan? Hmmm. It seems that Evan is leaning toward Zora as his final choice, but I find myself rooting against that, as Zora is the last person you would want to dump a big lie on.

    They arrive at a quaint hotel, and Zora goes off to change. What a change it is. Zora comes out in a black blouse and skirt that is… what are the words I am searching for… oh yes… FREAKIN’ HOT! Zora, you should never be shy about that swimsuit.

    Evan is struck by the dress as well, as during dinner he wants to ask her if that dress is something she brought along for the trip.

    Instead he says, “Did you get that breast in Paris? I mean dress?”

    Zora handles it well, laughing.

    They end up at the pool. Evan is in the water swimming, while always shy Zora walks along the edge in her robe. She gets a little too close to the edge, and Evan pulls her in. Nice plan there Evan… you’ve got a woman who is very cautious around you, and how do you break that ice? That’s it, pull her into the pool by surprise!

    Who am I to say though, as Zora seems to enjoy it. They play in the water, and finally share that first kiss. Zora’s comfort level is obviously rising, and while she still refuses to turn into slut-girl, she does seem to actually enjoy her time with Evan.

    Evan confesses that he was glad he finally got to kiss Zora, and it was obvious she was waiting for the “perfect moment.”

    My worst fears are being realized, as it is quite obvious that Evan and Zora have a connection.

    The next morning, Evan is watching Zora play in the surf from the balcony of his room. It is made immediately clear that these two didn’t go any further physically than their pool excursion.

    They share breakfast together, and Zora decides to discuss her dream from the night before. In that dream, she saw Evan as two different people, and she is searching for the meaning of that premonition.

    The dream freaks out Evan, who barely says a word to her on the way to the airport.

    Evan’s reaction prevents Zora from sharing some of her other recent dreams with us, including: Water is wet, Fire is hot, and the most telling, breathing is good. Run to the light Carol Anne!

    Is That Rolled Up Crème Dough, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

    Once again we return to the chateau where we find Sarah and Melissa anxiously awaiting Zora’s return. They hear footsteps, and are ready to pounce, but it is only Paul. They tease him, saying they thought he was Zora, and Paul’s contempt for these two contestants is quite obvious when he gets a little snippy and says, “I would have thought you would have learned the difference by now.”

    Zora does return eventually, and the now standard interrogation commences. Are you tired? Did you sleep? Did you kiss him? Translation: Did you get down and get funky with Little Evan like we did?

    Zora admits to having kissed him, “a little”, which is accurate.

    Zora, who has made it clear in confessionals all along that she doesn’t much care for the other lady’s attitudes, gets in a good dig on Melissa. She lets her know that Melissa doesn’t have to worry; she let Evan know that Melissa hates his long speeches after the selection ceremonies.

    Melissa gives Zora one of her most evil death stares.

    Sarah confesses to the camera that she is trying to figure out if Evan is falling for one of the other girls. She feels she needs to know that. Well, I agree, but something tells me that rather than being cautious, Sarah might well kick it up a notch. Let’s find out…

    On the flight out, Sarah lets us know that she grew up in a very small town, and that she always dreamed about what it might be like to have a “bazillion dollars”.

    Evan says that he is looking forward to his date with Sarah. “We always have fun”, he says, and adds, “She is cultured and classy.”

    Sarah arrives, looking good as always, and learns that they are in Nice. They return to the hotel together, and I have to compliment the producers at this point, as they did a great job of picking some very impressive locations for this episode. Evan leaves Sarah to change in preparation for dinner.

    Sarah breaks out her Craftsman 150 piece make-up kit, and promptly knocks out the local power grid with her broken adaptors. That is only the beginning of her ordeal though, as she opens her bag to find that the dress she had chosen for tonight’s seduction has somehow been left on the plane.

    Rather than blame herself, Sarah gives us a glimpse of the future for any servants that will work for her, when she does land her rich man, as she says. “Stupid steward left my dress on the plane.”

    Gosh, I don’t recall the steward accompanying you on the way to the hotel, so I wonder if perhaps you might take a closer look in the mirror on that one Sarah.

    Apparently she tries to track down the dress, but is told it cannot be found. Look for that dress to be up for auction on eBay someday soon under the screen name StupidSteward.

    Sarah is very talkative as she gets ready. She tells us, “He is not 100% my type. A little rough around the edges, but that can be changed over time.” Didn’t she just say that last week?

    They go to dinner, and the wine steward (be careful there buddy, Sarah has her fangs out for stewards today) turns to Evan to ask about his selection.

    Sarah jumps in and tells the waiter that she wants a medium bodied, very dry, berry flavored, but not “grapey” wine. Evan is impressed with her knowledge of fine wine. I am not so sure, that description could apply to many things, most likely a bottle of Bartels and James wine cooler.

    I think we all could play that game. Just start rambling off any number of random adjectives, nod knowingly when the wine is brought to the table, sniff the cork, and swish the first taste around in you mouth a bit. Presto! You are a wine connoisseur.

    I would like a haughty red, somewhat sinewy, elegant and earthy, while still meaty. See, it’s easy!

    They order dinner, and Evan goes with his traditional steak. Meanwhile Sarah has ordered something, and to be honest, I didn’t catch the name of it, but basically it is crème puff dough rolled up and cut into pieces.

    Evan comments that it looks pretty good, and he would like to try it. Sarah warns him that this might well be the best food she has ever tasted.

    Come on Sarah, that isn’t even gourmet French food to my knowledge. It is basically a doughnut in syrup, and this is the BEST food you have ever had? Based on Evan’s diet I could believe it, but I gotta believe that the snack tray on the set of Novices in Knots was just as good as this fare.

    He asks her what is in it? She says nothing, just the crème puff dough. He is astounded by that news. It must be pretty good though, as Evan enjoyed his taste so much that he orders a second helping for himself.

    Sarah continues to put down Evan in her confessionals, “He is not extraneously intellectual.” She says.

    Let’s see. She has told us that he is not her type, that he is rough around the edges, that he needs to change over time, and that he is basically not as smart as her (or at least as smart as she feels she is). Now would be a good time to go ahead and get out Sarah, you are trying too hard to convince yourself that this could work. I wonder why? Oh yeah, now I remember… it wouldn’t be the cash could it?

    They go for a moonlit walk, and stumble upon yet another loaded champagne bottle. This is just cruel and unusual punishment for the local populace. I don’t see anyone else around though, so I have to assume that the local hazmat team roped off the area for safety.

    Evan goes for the bottle… POP… he hits himself.

    Yes, a friendly fire accident. Sarah laughs, and makes a note that this is another area she is going to have to change him.

    Sarah has made up her mind though, and she wants Evan. “I trust you character”, she says.

    Evan reminds her that he is just a regular guy, not a knight in shining armor. Sarah almost blurts out that she knows all about knights in armor and tied up damsels in distress, but instead she just kisses him.

    They make out for a while, but it seems rather tame compared to the slurping and moaning we heard last week. They return to Sarah’s room for a romantic kiss goodnight, and Evan heads of to bed.

    Well, that can’t be ‘it’ can it? Come on! You guys went much farther than that last week, and I want my slut scene!


    Ahhh… Sarah, you are so predictable. About an hour later she creeps out of her room, knocks on his door, and invites herself in for more fun.

    They hang out on his balcony and get busy under a blanket. As for what happened, Evan isn’t talking, “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.” Well sure that’s true Evan, but you on the other hand can tell us everything.

    The next morning, Sarah is robe clad and enjoying the morning on the balcony with Evan.

    Sarah confesses that she broke every one of her rules. Considering that this is a woman who does bondage videos, I have to wonder what the heck they did that violated her rules? Used a hand and a half knot instead of the more traditional slip knot?

    Evan tells us that it was a 9 on a scale of 10 in terms of romance. However, Russian judge gave them a 6.

    So much for not kissing and telling, eh Evan?

    Sarah departs the hotel and is sad to be leaving. She says that it is amazing how quickly she can adapt to this rich environment, and that she could really get used to this.

    Wait a Second! Am I Lying to These Women?

    Evan remains in Nice overnight, and the weight of the deceit is beginning to take it’s toll.

    We are treated to nighttime shots of Evan rolling around in bed, unable to sleep, pondering the magnitude of his situation. Fortunately he doesn’t do anything else while the night camera is on him.

    It seems to me that if he would quit downing several bottles of champagne each day, he might well find it easier to sleep.

    Either way, Evan finally gets up at 3:30am and asks to speak to a producer. What follows is the scene that has been played over and over in the intro segment where Evan says that the lies and deception are eating his brain. “It’s not right!” he says.

    The producer gives us some double speak about how it is “about who likes you for you.” Which I know is total BS, but it is a little late in the game for Evan to be feeling remorse now.

    Evan says that he is living the, “biggest F***ing lie in America.” Well, that would be true Evan, but Nice is in France. I forgive you though, as really your lie is big enough for both countries.

    The next morning, Evan wakes up refreshed and ready to do his duty.

    And The ‘Winners’ Are…

    The ladies gather for the ceremony.

    Melissa feels that she is not going to be eliminated this week, and hers is the only confessional shown, so I immediately assume that she is a goner.

    There’s our host Alex! She has ditched the Pier One garb and has instead decided to grab one of the hallway rugs at the chateau and use it as a skirt. Alex informs us that this week’s gift is a diamond pendant. The rest is the usual blah, blah, and we await Evan’s entrance.

    He arrives, with Paul in tow, and gets ready for his weekly motivational speech. “You are rested? Nervous? Not as nervous as I am.”

    Wow, I feel better already.

    Then he indicates that he is aware that some don’t like his speeches, so he will get right to it. Melissa gives Evan a sweet smile in between turning and attempting to use her stare to burn holes into Zora’s eye sockets. A little bitter over the speech comment I guess.

    Paul reads the names.

    Sarah – Evan says that they have bonded (which is pretty damn obvious at this point), and that he has strong feelings for Sarah. He feels that she is not going after his money.

    Zora – Evan feels that she is mysterious, intriguing, and sexy. She makes him feel like a kid again.

    Melissa is speechless. Much like MoJo, she learned that a night with Evan doesn’t guarantee a piece of fine jewelry for all of your efforts. I find myself feeling bad for Melissa, as she is desperately trying to hold back the tears.

    Evan tells us that in the end, he simply was not attracted to Melissa. Hmmm… didn’t seem that way in your room that night Evan.

    Melissa asks Evan for a hug goodbye, and graciously asks to see the pretty pendants that Zora and Sarah received. Back in her room, she does indeed cry, and has nothing by good things to say about Evan.

    “He is missing out on me” she says. Yes indeed he is.

    Sarah realizes that her gossip buddy is now leaving, so she turns to Zora and tries to strike up a conversation. She says that she didn’t realize in the beginning just how much alike she and Zora are.

    For her part, Zora feels that Evan could not have picked two more different people.

    Next Week

    The final two. Who will Evan pick?

    Is there really a winner, or is this all a sham? The biggest joke being played on the 18 million viewers?

    We shall finally find out.

    Your comments are welcome. E-mail bill@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Bill; 02-04-2003 at 04:25 PM.
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
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