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Top 10 Moments in Reality TV, January 25-31
Each week, our writers nominate and describe their favorite moments of the week in reality television.
10. Cry Baby Cottontail, Stick Your Head In A Garbage Pail
Scene: Health class 11th grade. Oops, it wasn’t health class was it? Still, the ever entertaining producers of Meet My Folks decided it was a Million dollar idea to have the three remaining women show off their parenting skills with little crying "Tinkling Trista" dolls. Chelsea, Tawny and Stef were all given babies to take care of overnight. Stefanie wins the Rip Van Winkle award for sleeping while her baby lay next to her on her pillow screaming for hours. She also wins the Third World Country Orphanage Worker of the year award by touching her baby as little as humanly possible. When Stef did manage to hold "Trista," she did so by holding her at arms length while looking around for anyone to help turn this darn thing off. Ahh, the joys of parenthood. Hopefully Stef paid attention in health class and is using her diaphragm religiously.
9. Fear Factor Pizza Party
You will not find Fear Factor Pizza on the menu at your local pizzeria. I am sure they do not have the appropriate ingredients on hand. They would need a crust that was made with bile extracted directly from a cow's bladder, coagulated blood paste for sauce, stinky, nasty, rotten cheese, as well as fish eyes and live red worms for toppings. Not everyone could down a piece of Fear Factor pizza. If fear is not a factor for you, then you might be able to chow down on a slice in the ten minutes allotted. First you would have to toss a pizza pan into one of three pots for your topping choices. You would have a chance at worms, fish eyes, or a combination of both.. What would you aim for?
On this week's episode of Fear Factor four people made it to the second round and got the chance to toss for their toppings.
Shawn was first up and was tossing for a worm pie. He got his wish and downed the nasty pizza, struggling the entire way. His competitors were no help as they discussed how gross it smelled and how awful it must taste. Soon they would not be so eager to hear trash talk. Shawn made it through the slice and the mouth inspection and immediately grabbed the official Fear Factor barf bucket.
Todd was up next. He tossed for worms and got them. We found out that Todd is a picker as he picked off each topping before going for the crust and sauce portion of his slice. Todd realized it was not so easy to chow down on the pizza while everyone talked about how nasty it was. He did well and did not need the chuck bucket.
Shelby's toss for worms was successful and she went for the pinch-nose-and-stuff method. Once she had completed the task she lunged for the bucket. She came back and thanked Joe for cheering her on with enthusiasm only to return to the bucket and finish the job.
Last but not least was Julie. She preferred rotting fish eyes to live, squirming worms. Lucky girl! Her aim was great. Julie jumped right on her slice with a huge bite. Julie rearranged eyes so she would not have to bite through one before it got into her mouth. She did a great job and even licked the blood sauce off of her fingers toward the end. Surprisingly, Julie did not need the bucket.
Clearly fear was not a factor for these four. They all made it to the third round.
8. Tell Us How You Really Feel
It was all smiles when Trista visited Charlie's family during this weeks episode of the Bachelorette. As soon as she left they delivered their pinpoint assessment of her.
"Star struck", "superficial", "willing to throw away her career", "too hungry for fame".
It didn't take Charlie's family too long to notice what many people have been saying for weeks, Trista is flakier than a box of Raisin Bran.
7. When Disney Meets Larry Flint
Porn watching people all over the world were shocked to flip through the channels and see that their cables porn channels had been unlocked. They sat at the edge of their seats listening to the sounds of porn being broadcast into their living rooms. The slurping, the mmmmmms the ahhhhs and ooohs, finally led to what all XXX movie watchers wait for... the "gulp". They waited in anticipation of getting to see the actual stars of the show. After leaving to slip into something more comfortable they were shocked to come back to a Disney movie. Who had turned off the Porn? Had the cable providers learned of the leak? Why were they watching Thumper and Bambi out in the woods? Why was Cinderella petting a horse? Oh, the producers of Joe Millionaire had the last laugh all right. The editing couldn’t have been better (or is it worse?) in this week’s installment of the show. They had people sitting in wide-eyed shock one moment and laughing hysterically the next. I have to say, it was a brilliant hour of television. Something for everyone. What more could a sponsor want?
6. I'm an Idol Wannabe, wanna party with me?
Proving that you don't have to have brains to have some meager talent, three of the guys from American Idol decided that experiencing the Hollywood Bar Scene was more important than advancing to the next round by doing something stupid like learning words to the song. Stephen (pronounced SteFON, because Steven is just too dorky), Alden, and last-minute addition Corey decide to hit the town and get as jiggy with it as you possibly can while riding a mechanical bull. In the morning, only Corey advanced, and only because he made some attempt at practicing with his group after showing up 2 hours late. Stephen is now promoting his 24-hour hotline for the "Bad Boy of American Idol," in a savvy marketing move that will extend his fame to 15.5 minutes.
5. Don Ho's Head Explodes - Police Suspect Boatman
In one of the more embarassing unscripted moments on television in recent memory, Michael Boatman was seen hula-dancing while a large Hawaiian guy played "Tiny Bubbles" on his ukulele. This was something Michael's wife DEFINITELY should have warned him against. After playing Carter Heywood, the openly gay assistant on Spin City for 6 seasons, I was impressed at Michael's complete lack of hip swivelage. He looked like the Tin Man in a coconut bra. He and Erik (who never complained once the whole time, and in fact I think he still gets the ol' coconuts out once in a while to practice on his own time) danced for the full 30 minutes, even after Kathy gave up trying to surf after 10. Guys, you could have just stopped at that point, and save yourselves 2/3 the embarassment.
4. With All The Hype...
Well, this week's Surreal Life took our gang of quasi-celebs to Sin City, Las Vegas. We've been teased with this promo for weeks. Would we finally get to see Corey cry? More importantly, why have we all been waiting for this moment like so many buzzards circling a dying lost Gremlin? In the end, we all got to see the tears. Poor Corey. First Vince takes the spotlight by unleashing numerous curse words at the bus driver. Then, when Corey tries to get the women to come calm Vince down (that is thier job, after all). Gabby yells at him for making them wait numerous times, and then because Corey expects them to jump when they are needed to calm Vince down. I hope, sincerely, that there was a lot of footage edited out, because if not, Corey is nothing but a big sissy boy in an 80's hairstyle.
3. But I'm Really not Superficial- Honest
This moment comes to us from Trista, amidst her visit the parents and homes of the remaining Bachelors tour. This was her second date on the trip.
After meeting with Gregs folks they went back to his typical NYC apartment. She was visibly shocked to find out that most New Yorkers do not live in apartments like "the Friends" on TV do. She went on to say she "really wasn't like that," and "it was ok that Greg lived simply- but she really couldn't see herself living like that." The horror on her face was apparent, as was her 'deer in the headlights' expression. Not even a cool blues performance from Greg could change her mind or the expression on her face.
We knew it was good-bye Greg from that moment on.
2. CIA Angry With FOX For Allowing Leak
Monday January 27th. The CIA is seeking punitive damages from FOX, their secret weapon Melissa anounced to the world on Joe Millionaire that she is a Mercenary: A soldier working for money in covert operations. Although she had been through the training she somehow let it slip that she is indeed a Mercenary. Something loyal viewers of the show had already suspected due to the nasty looks she continually flung at other contestants. She was one of the few trainees in the new "Looks Can Kill" program being coverty tested in Washington.
THIS JUST IN..... 1 hour 15 minutes ago. Melissa is actually just an idiot who doesn't know the difference between being a missionary and a Mercenary. The world’s secrets are actually safe again. Rest assured America!
And now, our number one moment of the week...
1. Like a.....WHAT???
For the second-to-last stop on the American Idol "audition tour", we went to Atlanta, and that was where we met Keith, one of the thousands of hopefuls waiting in line to try out for the FOX show. Like everyone else, Keith had dreams of becoming the next singing superstar. But, there was something different about Keith. In fact, there was a lot different about Keith. His look screamed out either a young Captain Kangaroo or a distant cousin of one of the Three Stooges, we're not sure. And, if we thought his look was funny, his singing (if that's what you want to call it) was like nothing we've ever heard before. When he finally got in for his audition, he told the judges he was "different and unique". He sure didn't lie. He sang Madonna's "Like a Virgin", and his presentation of the song reminded this viewer of Mickey Mouse after he had inhaled too much helium and in the midst of some sort of seisure. Needless to say, Keith didn't make it to the next round in Hollywood. In fact, Simon called him "the worst singer in the world."
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