Get out your kleenex. Sit them right next to you on the couch as you watch The Surreal Life this week. Though we finally get to see the very hyped, much anticipated Corey crying scene, we also witness each and every other member of the cast crying as well. This was a tough show. Granted, Corey was in true form as he was the only celeb to cry just because he’s a monumental brat.

From the previous week’s previews, I was really looking forward to “The Surreal Life Hits Vegas, Baby!” Previews promised us Vince making out with Lia, his fiancé, as he tells another woman to “Get the F*%K away from me!!” That never happened. And in the previews it looked so good!!!

Anyway, let’s get to it.

After a well rested night in his private master suite in a king size bed, Vince wakes up singing a song… a song which he decides to wake up Webster and Hammer with as he walks into their room singing in the morning.

Today’s Tabloid has Vince’s face plastered on the cover and informs the celebs that they will be hitting Vegas! The celebs are excited, but Vince is ecstatic! He puts on his Versace, Hammer’s in leather and they hit the tour bus for their trip to Vegas! Vegas is Vince’s home town these days and Lia will be there waiting for him when they pull up. IF the bus EVER pulls up, that is. The driver is obviously a dumbass and misses the turn into the Palms. Suddenly, The Surreal Life turns into The Osbournes’ as Vince throws out the F-Bomb in true Ozzy form. Those rockstars…

Vince is pissed that the driver misses turn after turn in Vegas and finally opens the door to the driver and curses him out. I was dying to see the driver’s face at that moment, but the cameras were turned off per Vince’s request. I had no idea that these celebs could instruct the cameramen to stop filming when they were making asses of themselves and that the cameramen would comply. Corey should have does this a MILLION times before! In fact, Corey should have had the cameras off through his performance at last week’s talent show. Then viewers wouldn’t know that when he sings he sounds like he just swallowed a piece of glass and might have bought his crappy CD out of curiosity.

Finally, Vince calms down right in time for Corey and Gaby to butt heads. Gaby claims that she is sick of Corey and it was time to call a spade a spade. I don’t think Corey is fond of being called a spade for he decides that the best response is to sit on the bus and sulk. Still waiting to see some tears, Corey. Vince isn’t crying though. He says, “We’re in Las Vegas! F*%K everybody! Time to F*%King Party!!” I think Vince has the right idea.

The group hits the Palms, Vince grabs Lia with one hand and the first of many drinks with the other, and it’s time for dinner! As dinner is served, sulking Corey gets up and leaves the table. He must be upset about his lack of face time and needs a moment with the camera alone. Back at the table Vince says, “If this were Survivor, Corey’d be the first one off.” Everyone laughs, nods in agreement and proceeds to enjoy their meal.

A Eurythmics’ song runs through my head:

My my - baby's gonna cry
My my - baby's gonna cry
My my - baby's gonna cry
Tonight - oh yea...

Camera hogging Corey is standing poolside practicing for his monologue. He tells the camera “I’m just trying to help out people I consider friends…. I was trying to calm down Vince. I’m nervous about the wedding.” His chin starts to quiver and the tears stream down his face. He feels sure he’ll at least get an Emmy nod for this performance.


He must have heard me through the TV as he says, “I can’t talk anymore.”

Thank God.

Time to drop the tears and get your groove on at the Ghost Bar! The celebs all hit the dance floor and within moments there’s a Manny Sandwich going on. He’s got girls on both sides of him just grinding away. Granted, they are dancing on their knees in order to align body parts. Vince is impressed. Webster’s a chick magnet! However, on this dance floor, Webster isn’t the show to see. Rather Gaby is. She puts on her dance face and jerks and twists as only Elaine from “Seinfeld” can. It is quite the spectacle.

While taking a break from the dancing, Corey apologizes to Gaby. Corey tells Gaby that he believes that her mothering quality sees the hurt child in him and she wants to fix it in a tough love sort of way. Corey, get a grip! You are OVER! Gaby hugs him, says, “You are so the victim, Corey,” which he takes in a good way and says to let it go. Corey envisions an Oscar in his future. Oh yeah… this is his comeback!

Where’s Vince through all of this? Well, Vince is wasted. While he continues to make out with Lia, Hammer, Webster and Corey hit the limo and head to Fatburger! The girls not wanting to go anywhere near a place called Fatburger decide to head to Olympic Garden. Naked men in thongs, baby! Gotta love Vegas!!

At Fatburger, Corey has cast himself in a gangsta documentary and tells the camera, “We’re on edge. This place is full of tough guys. Heavy hitters. Webster should watch his back.” Uh… Corey? Hate to break this to you, but Hammer and Webster are brothers. You, dawg, should watch your back. People don’t get whiter than you.

A few minutes later, Hammer and Webster are up dancing and rapping in Fatburger with the “heavy hitters.” Poor Corey grumbles to himself that Hammer is hogging precious camera time.

Back at the strip club, Jerri sits as Dirk Diggler wiggles his thing in her face. She’s giddy with excitement! Brande laughs and shoves dollar bills down his jock and Gaby gets upset and leaves. I anticipate a Corey moment from Gaby. And I’m not disappointed! Though she doesn’t give us a soliloquy, she does turn from the camera and cry at the sheer skankiness of it all.

A Beatles song runs through my head:

She's old enough to know better
Cry baby cry
cry cry cry
Make your mother sigh
She's old enough to know better
So cry baby cry.

It’s 4 a.m. and the celebs have done Vegas and are back in the bus. Except for Vince. Vince is stumbling around the bus looking for the door. Hammer helps him out. 395 miles later and in five hours time the celebs will be hitting LA again and will be attending church. Yeah, you heard me correctly. CHURCH. And the service will be officiated by none other than Reverend Hammer Time!

Prior to getting in the church, the group talks about their faith. Corey tries to draw the cameras to him by saying that he’s nervous because he’s never been to church as he’s Jewish. The celebs don’t care. This is clearly intended for Vince.

Here would be a good time to grab a tissue.

An Elvis song runs through my head:

You saw me crying in the chapel….
I searched and I searched but I couldn't find
No way on earth to find peace of mind

Vince tells the group that he doesn’t pray anymore. That he gave up his faith the day his daughter died. Hammer tells Vince that he doesn’t believe he’s lost his faith. In this very evangelical church, Hammer hits the stage. He has the preacher say a prayer of peace for Vince as Vince is lead to the stage. He ends the prayer by asking Jesus for healing for the father.

If you didn’t watch, I can’t effectively convey what went on in that church. It makes me want to cry thinking of Vince as they prayed for him and his little girl. What I can say is that there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. Getting back on the bus, Gaby tells the camera through tears that this was a life changing experience for Vince. Vince tells Hammer, “You made me cry, man.” And in confessional the next day, our favorite celeb says he prayed again for the first time.

Tune in next week for what looks to be like a much funnier, less tear filled episode when the pseudocelebs go on a hunt to find Brande a date!

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