The Osbournes – Episode 8


Life is back to normal at the Osbourne Estate, and by normal I mean chaotic. Various animals are making noise and/or getting into some kind of mischief, and Ozzy has had enough. It seems the little critters are working his last good nerve and he’s sick of their sh*t, literally. “I’m f***ing sick and tired of the f***ing sh*t, I live in a 9 million dollar turd” he exclaims, “they’re driving me f***ing mental”. After showing assistant Tony numerous dung heaps and pee stains out in the yard, Oz has a brainstorm, “maybe I should get a crocodile to eat all these animals”. That’s just what this show needs. Can you imagine the Prince of Darkness and the Croc Hunter co-starring every week?
Steve Irwin: Aw crikey, isn’t she a beaut? Get a look at this Sui.
Ozzy: F*** off Steve

Oz voices his concern about animal germs to Sharon’s physician, who says that she’s agreed to keep the little guys off the bed while she’s trying to rest. He goes to the bedroom to banish the mutts, but Maggie pretty much ignores him. Then it’s off to the weight room to clean up a few surprises that were left on the carpet. We are treated to a few clips of animals, droppings, and people cleaning it up.

Jack and adopted son Rob are in the kitchen preparing a snack of baked beans and toast, as if the place doesn’t stink enough already. Jack finally gets around to telling the story of how Rob came to be the adopted son. Kelly met Rob at school, and the two of them became good friends. The family learned of his mothers’ battle with cancer and took him in when she passed away. Quite a touching story considering the psycho factor of this family.

Meanwhile back in the living room, Oz cleans up yet another pile and comments “I wish someone would create a dog that didn’t sh*t”. He then picks up Lola by the hind legs and begs her not to poop anymore while talking into her ass. “Is there a spot for where the dog sh*t picture goes” he asks while standing at the top of the stairs, “we should get rid of the dogs and just keep the pictures, they don’t stink”.

Sharon find a bit of turd stuck to Minnie’s fur and Kelly wails. Didn’t we get enough of her last week? Sharon is quite amused as Kelly tries to remove it using CD cases, and after much yelling and carrying on, she is able to rid the beast of its little problem.

We get further evidence of Jack being “out there” as he straps an Army helmet to his head and has adopted son Rob toss sneakers at him. We then get to see Jack dance around like a complete tool while still wearing his silly helmet. I really want to know how and why Mandy Moore ended up at his house.

It’s now time for a shopping trip as Sharon takes Rob out to get a few things so he can get settled into the guest house. Their first stop is Shabby Chic, where they look at $5000 sofas, a $2500 chandelier, $1700 & $1800 chairs, a $1600 desk, and a bunch of ugly area rugs. Christ, that’s enough to pay my mortgage for 6 months!

Jack displays a bit of “tude” when Sharon tries to go out with some friends. He says she should stay in bed and rest, but she’s having none of it. It’s like an odd role reversal:
Jack: mom, you’re not going out
Sharon: I’m going out
Jack: No you’re not
Sharon: Yes I am, I have an appointment
Jack: F*** the appointment, it can be canceled
Sharon: I’m not dying, I’m not crippled, and I haven’t been out in months
Jack: Fine, f*** off then. See, that’s your problem, you never listen to us.
Just when you think he’s completely lost it, he starts to make sense.

Ozzy talks with nanny Melinda and assistant Tony about having a kennel built for the dogs, and they seem to agree. He goes into the yard with an unnamed assistant to go over the plans. A little later, unnamed assistant informs Sharon of Ozzy’s intensions and she responds with a simple “no f***ing way”. Apparently she enjoys poop all over the place.

The doctor tells Oz that everyone that has regular contact with Sharon will have to get flu shots. The entire gang is gathered and they are forced to take a needle, “line up, butts out” Ozzy commands. Now I’ve never had a flu shot, but I’m wondering if this was just a way for everyone to show their ass on TV. Wouldn’t the arm be fine?

Oz is seen climbing up on a chair and taking a glass from the cabinet. I thought he’d take a header for sure, but he completes his mission without incident. He then pours a tall glass of Guinness. But fear not, he informs us that it’s not for him, it’s for Sharon. “It’s got lots of iron, in English hospitals they used to give this to patients” he tells us, “a Guinness a day keeps the doctor away”. Man, I know where I’m moving to, all we get is crappy food.

He then moves to the kitchen to prepare a meal, and one of the cats is on the counter eyeing a slab of meat. “Now f*** off Guy-Gus-Jim-Bill, whatever your f***ing name is” he warns, “your name is going to be dead if you touch my chicken. Don’t go near my chicken, you understand, don’t even go there. F*** off”. Amazingly the cat obeys as he goes outside to fire up the grill, “we have lift-off” he says as the flames shoot up. “And you can f*** off too” he snarls at one of the dogs sitting at his feet.

Sharon comes home from a trip to the doctors’ office, and lets the family in on the good news. Her blood work has come back clean, and she’ll finish her treatments this month. Oz wants to know what changes she’s going to make once the treatment is over because he’s worried about all of her stress. Trying to ease his concern, Sharon puts her head in his lap and tells him that she’ll be alright.
Oz: When can we have sex again?
Sharon: 9 months.
Oz: F*** off 9 months.
Sharon: You’ll get chemo in you
Oz: I don’t mind having a glowing d***
Sharon: It won’t glow, it will just be tired
Oz: Are you f***ing joking? I’ll just dress Tony up like a woman then.
With that last comment, Tony whips around in his chair with a rather nervous look on his face. I guess life is tough for a personal assistant, but hey, I’m sure he’s paid well.


Next time: Kelly’s birthday in Las Vegas; and a drunken, underwear clad Sara falls off a table while dancing.

Profanity Count: 71

Poop Count: 17



To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com