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    Joe Millionaire: Episode Four Recap

    I Got a Ruby! Na – na – na – naaaaaaa – na - na

    Joe Millionaire
    Episode Four – Recap

    Evan and the remaining four ladies have returned to the Chateau. Evan struggles with keeping his story a secret… Zora struggles with her inner demons… MoJo struggles with tasteful clothing accessories… Melissa struggles to keep up her nice-girl appearance… Sarah struggles to keep her clothes on… and, of course, Alex continues to struggle for camera time…

    What hi-jinx will our crazy kids get into this week? Will they continue to struggle? Read on to find out…

    For reference, pictures and information on the ladies can be found at Fans of Reality TV, The Ladies of Joe Millionaire .

    I Wonder if Paul Will Just Flip Over Backward in to That Fire?

    After the now familiar opening, we are treated to the highlights from last week’s romp in Paris. Once again, the producers attempt to convince us that Evan’s slip of the tongue with Zora last week was a significant event on the show… it wasn’t then, and still isn’t a big deal upon review…

    There’s Paul, sitting in his chair by the fire. The brandy glass is nearly empty now, and it is tilted in his hand. He is going to pass out any minute now… no doubt welcoming alcohol induced coma over the possibility of helping Evan get dressed again.

    Before departing the conscious world, Paul wonders, “Who will enjoy hanging out with Evan?”

    Getting in Touch With Nature… and Other Natural Beauties

    Back in the chateau, Evan is unpacking and seemingly confused by the presence of shoeboxes in his luggage. As long as they aren’t pumps, it should be okay Evan! Meanwhile the ladies are relaxed and joking.

    The first date this week goes to Sarah, who will accompany Evan on a nice little bike ride through the countryside, followed by some wine tasting.

    Evan notes that they look like Laverne and Shirley. Okay… so which one would you be then Evan? I don’t see an L on your clothes, so I have to assume you are Shirley.

    I don’t have time to figure out how two single female roommates who work at a brewery, go bowling a lot, and hang out with strange guys named Lenny and Squiggy have any connection to you and Sarah going for a bike ride, but hey… maybe someday this mystery will be solved.

    Apparently the laws regarding bike helmets are just as lax in France as are those related to drinking and driving… Evan and Sarah ride down the road without a care in the world, and why not… clearly Sarah is naturally balanced, with a high center of gravity.

    We don’t see much from the bike riding portions of the date, as we are almost immediately transported to a wine and champagne tasting room, where we find Evan and Sarah partaking of the local wares.

    Evan notes that neither he nor Sarah speaks French, but that they quickly learned that if they just kept holding out their glasses, the wine steward was more than happy to fill them.

    Hey Evan, I got news for you buddy… holding out an empty glass is the international symbol for “fill ‘er up!”. I have successfully used that method of communications myself in several exotic locales where English is not always the primary language… Thailand… Singapore… Hong Kong… Indonesia… Malaysia… Japan… Korea… Philippines… Mexico… and even California!

    Evan wonders if Sarah really is the “goodie-goodie” she comes across as, or perhaps maybe she does have a wild side. Downing several bottles of booze is a also an internationally accepted method for finding out the answer to those questions Evan…

    Speaking of questions, Sarah isn’t quite slurring her words yet when she asks him what he intends to do with all of his riches?

    Evan, as always, is fully briefed for questions from the ladies. His hours of preparation for this date alone are abundantly clear when he provides a deep profound answer…

    “I don’t know”, he says.

    Evan does knows though, that he is in trouble… those damn producers didn’t tell him he would actually have to hold conversations with the ladies… stupid rules, he thinks to himself. You can see the panic in his eyes… what if she asks me my shoe size… oh my God! Just when it seems all is lost, it suddenly all comes clear… he needed to get her to shut up, and if there is one thing they learned early on at the construction site, the best way to do that is to shove your tongue down her throat.

    Evan goes in for the kiss… Sarah is more than happy to oblige.

    At this point, I wonder what they call French kissing in France? Just kissing I suppose… but what about other kinds of kisses? Maybe they call them Ranch kisses… Thousand Island kisses… or my personal favorite, Honey Mustard kisses…

    FORT poster Wayner says that French kissing in France is called “a royale with tongue.” Funny guy that Wayner and he possesses a brilliant mind, but clearly he has seen Pulp Fiction too many times…

    In any case, they kiss until dark, and make their way back to the chateau. Things got pretty hot and heavy back at the wine tasting, so Evan wants to take a walk on the grounds. Sarah wants to lose the camera crew that is following.

    They give us the impression that they do indeed evade the crew, as we are left with a night shot of the rear of the chateau and nothing else, but we do have sound… and in order to help us understand the sounds we hear, the producers crank up some 70’s porno music and use sub-titles to ensure we understand all the oooh’s, mmmm’s, and slurps that follow.

    We are led to believe that these two are getting well past first base in one form or another.

    Now, some folks remain steadfast in their claims that these participants are merely products of editing. In other words, someone who seems to whine a lot might well be a sweet charming person, and is simply a victim of the evil editors. So in honor of that ideal, I performed some investigative work, and have transcribed for you the actual events of that evening.

    Remember, Sarah is an assistant to a mortgage broker, so I was shocked to learn that while the producers were trying to convince us that these two were engaging in some kind of sexual activity, the truth is really that they were getting Evan’s paperwork together for a refinance:

    Sarah: “Will this go better laying down?”
    Translation: “You’re sporting a pretty tall stack of papers there Evan, perhaps we should sit down?”

    Evan: “mmmmmmm” “ahhhhh”
    Translation: “That is an excellent idea Sarah, thank you for being so open and accepting of my needs.”

    Sarah: “Slurp… smack…”
    Translation: “I always enjoy a good cup of coffee while working.”

    Evan: “mwah!”
    Translation: “I sure hope this process ends as well as it started, it will be a big load off my mind when this is finished!”

    Sarah: “slurp… mmmmm… gulp!”
    Translation: “I think we are about to lock in a very good rate!”

    Evan: “Ahhhh…”
    Translation: “Yes! My application is complete.”

    Sarah: “Scandal!”
    Translation: “I am sorry Evan, but for a rich man, you have remarkably horrible credit!”

    So you see? Shame on all of you who thought that something else was going on here. If you just open your eyes to the world of editor manipulation, the true answers become so much clearer!

    I should mention that while all of this was going on, the other ladies are shown washing clothes and playing chess. Further proof that these are just good wholesome girls…

    Evan and Sarah return to the chateau, and he says he is a lot more comfortable with her now. I think that getting to know each other on a financial level such as they have, does indeed help that level of comfort, and can only make their future bond stronger.

    Sarah says, “That’s the most exercise I have gotten in a month!” Now some of you might think that would be in reference to her time in the woods with Evan, but clearly we can dismiss that now that we all have learned what really happened.

    The Surgeon General Has Determined that Kissing Sarah or Melissa is Hazardous to Your Health and Can Lead to Birth Defects

    Sarah is recapping her time with Evan for Melissa’s benefit.

    Melissa looks clearly upset that Sarah had such a good time. She notes that if someone loves Evan, she doesn’t want to “take that away from them”, but otherwise she wants to be the last one standing…I guess your motives at this point are pretty clear Melissa.

    Melissa quizzes Sarah as to any kissing that may have happened. Sarah, denies kissing him at first, but then confesses that maybe she did give him a little peck at the wine tasting. Yeah… little peck… insert own joke here…

    Sarah goes to bed, and in true “I am your ‘bestest’ girlfriend fashion” Melissa immediately dishes with MoJo about how Sarah looks drunk.

    Armed with the knowledge of Sarah’s happiness, Melissa prepares for battle… “Evan, I wanna have your baby!” she mocks… wow, that is really upping the ante!

    The Donner Party

    Evan is struggling with picking out the perfect outfit for his date with Melissa. After an exhaustive search, he finally decides to go with the always-impressive sweatpants and flip-flops.

    Melissa is disappointed when she sees him, and sadly, that is just one of the first disappointments of the evening for her.

    They head down to the kitchen, where Evan lets us all know that their date will consist of them making their own dinner. Melissa is appalled, and confesses to us that, “I don’t cook.”

    Evan suspects this, and lets us in on his reasoning. He feels that Melissa is probably not a “domesticated woman”, and to me, that comes across in the same tone as “properly housebroken woman”.

    We are beat up for the umpteenth time in this show with Evan saying, “I can’t afford fancy dinners.” Gosh, there is a news flash…

    The couple proceeds to feel their way around the kitchen, both with no idea how to cook anything beyond Salisbury steak in an aluminum tray. Evan notes, “She didn’t know what to do.” Yeah? Well, the Food Network isn’t going to be ringing you up anytime soon either…

    The biggest challenge of the night seemed to involve finding garlic. Melissa let us know that she has no idea what garlic looks like, and when she pulls some onions out of the fridge, it takes Evan to perform the crime scene identification.

    Sensing danger afoot, and pending starvation, Paul graciously steps in to help our wayward cooks get something going on the stove. That took a lot of courage Paul, after all, with these guys demonstrated food ID skills, you might well have become the meal…

    Finally, they relax at the dining room table, and prepare to enjoy this fine meal they have created. What a meal it is… it is a steaming pile of… well… noodles and stuff… I don’t know, maybe mushrooms too? It’s hard to tell.

    I think the folks from Fear Factor undoubtedly arrived on scene to claim the meal for use in their next show.

    Melissa keeps waiting for the joke to end and real dinner to be provided, but no dear… you see, you cook it, you eat it, is the way it works in the Evan household. “Hamburger helper… it’s good even without the hamburger”, Evan and his Uncle Eddie have been known to say.

    Evan says, “You’re cleaning up!”
    Melissa responds, “No Way!”

    That Evan… what a charmer…

    Evan feels that Melissa may well have some gold digger qualities about her, and he remembered that Sarah asked him that really tough question yesterday… so he decides to preempt her, and asks Melissa what would she do with the money were it hers?

    Melissa has prepared for this moment. In true beauty pageant-eque style she responds, “I would go to a third world country and bathe their children…”

    I have to believe a bath would help Sally Struthers out a bit, but come on Melissa, they really could use some food too along with that free shower…

    Melissa isn’t done yet, as she adds that she would give them shots too, for she is a “mercenary type of person”.

    Hmmm… mercenary and shots… are you going to bathe them and then shoot them? I suppose that would solve the problem, but you are really unlikely to earn a Nobel Peace Prize from that approach.

    Maybe she meant missionary? But then Sarah is probably better equipped to deal with that question…

    She finally finishes with a flourish, and in an effort to assure Evan she isn’t in it for the money, she says that it would get pretty boring having people waiting on your every need constantly. Yeah, I can see how that would really get tough after a while…

    For Evan’s part, he confesses to us that he was “confused” by her answer… you aren’t alone there my friend. Evan concludes that Melissa needs to be pampered, and the date ends with a peck on the cheek.

    Melissa returns to her room and complains that Evan keeps taking her on dates that are out of her “element”.

    Back at the smoking lounge, Melissa is recapping her efforts with Sarah who is outwardly joyous at the disaster that was Melissa’s date. However, Sarah is sensitive to her friend in this stressful time of need, and offers several bits of encouragement…

    “We just talked strategy last night!”

    “You got no game!”

    “Missed opportunity retard!”

    With her spirits uplifted, Melissa ends the segment saying, “Whatever, Prince Evan!”

    We Have Ways of Making You Talk!

    Zora is up next, and she lets us know that she had a funny feeling on the last date with Evan. For his part, Evan says that Zora was uptight.

    They begin by going for a walk, and as they stroll down the front driveway to the chateau, the other three ladies crowd around the window to watch. “I’ll bet a hundred Euros that she makes out with him.” Says MoJo… is that the going rate? I guess we will find out soon enough on your date…

    Back to Evan and Zora, she tells him that she hasn’t unpacked, and she keeps expecting to be eliminated each night.

    Evan confesses to us that he feels that Zora is afraid of being hurt, and that she doesn’t trust him yet. He wants her to trust him… Why Evan? So you can crush her with a huge lie at the end? I think that Evan likes Sarah as his play partner, but sees Zora as the kindred soul that he could see himself settling down with.

    Evan continues to ask her to open up to him, and Zora is a little more forthcoming when she tells him that he hasn’t done anything yet that leads her to not trust him. Not yet at least Zora… please don’t fall for him!

    Their date continues with a horseback ride, and the change in Zora’s attitude is quite noticeable. She goes from her usual Eyore-like state of doom and gloom to becoming a happy, beautiful woman.

    The girls back at the chateau can see them again, and of course the jealousy over a second horseback ride for Zora rears it’s ugly head. “She’s already gone horseback riding!” says MoJo.

    Zora loves this day, and she is also impressed with Evan. “His horse adores him.” She says, and indicates that is a big deal to her as an animal lover.

    The horse has a different perspective; she remembers well the trip to the glue factory that the last horse that mouthed off to Evan received… “just keep your mouth shut, and make it through the day” she thinks to herself.

    Evan has one of his moments of clear thought when he says, “She is happy now, but not necessarily with me.” Good catch Evan, and I give him credit for showing a good eye for judging people’s emotions through the show to date. He may not know his middle name, but he has pretty decent intuition.

    He also notes that being on a date with Zora is a lot like a Disney movie. Here the editors shine, and really, overall this episode the editing was remarkably better than in the previous shows.

    They begin playing Disney-like music and showing scenes of horses… deer… baby bunnies… raccoons… all interspersed with shots of Evan and Zora laughing and talking. It was quite funny.

    The date seems to take all day and into the evening, as Evan asks Zora if she wants to try out the hot tub. Zora accepts the invitation and they return to the chateau to get changed.

    Meanwhile the three ladies are seen returning to chateau in the limo. This opens up all kinds of questions for me… Were they allowed to leave the grounds? Where did they go?

    We don’t get any answers, but the timing here is impeccable. The girls immediately begin searching the house for signs of Evan and Zora… and they soon get an eyeful of a shirtless Evan getting ready to head down stairs.

    Suspecting that more mortgage brokering may be going on, Sarah immediately check’s Zora’s room to find her getting into a bathing suit as well. She asks to borrow a tank top, but obviously doesn’t understand how this game is played, for none of the other three will offer her any help.

    Zora and Evan would like to continue to the hot tub, but the other three ladies are forming a human shield now, and in desperation, Zora asks them if they would like to hot tub as well. It works and Sarah, Melissa, and MoJo scramble upstairs to get their bikinis on.

    Zora and Evan are enjoying a relaxing time in the tub that is loudly interrupted by the three horsewomen of the apocalypse arriving on scene.

    I have to confess here that my exhaustive research work from last week was found to be in error. The preview bathing suit in question belongs to Melissa, not Sarah. I guess Melissa had been hiding behind her frumpy sweaters.

    Sarah borrowed Erin Collins’ bikini from Survivor: Thailand, and certainly knew how to use it for full advantage, as Evan simply sat there, mouth agape looking at assembled babe-age.

    The women all seem to be sizing up Evan here in the tub, though I suppose Sarah already knows full well the facts about Evan and sizes.

    Melissa practically throws herself at him, and that seems to be the signal for MoJo and Sarah to follow suit. Zora is obviously uncomfortable with this turn of events saying, “Some of the girls were too flirtatious.”

    Evan knows he needs to continue to impress these ladies. He racks his brain… “what can I say that sounds impressive… who am I kidding? Hmmm… what can I DO that will be impressive? Yeah! That’s it cowboy… do something impressive!”

    With that thought in mind, Evan says “don’t go away”, and proceeds to hold his breath under water for what seemed like two… no, no… it was three seconds. Impressive!

    If you want some good advice Evan, rent Back to School to see how a true hot tub master like Rodney Daingerfield would have handled this situation.

    Zora needs no further prompting, and she decides to get the heck out of there while there is a shred of dignity left to be saved.

    Evan says that he knows the situation bothered Zora, and he felt bad for that, but that he was having too much fun, and didn’t want to leave. Obviously he saw his opportunity to resolve still more lingering financial issues.

    Are You Feeling the MoJo?

    Next morning, MoJo and Evan meet up for their date.

    They are going fencing, and have been provided with fancy outfits and everything. Someone on the production crew has a sense of humor too, for MoJo is provided with a gaudy hat to wear that looks remarkably similar to the one she voluntarily wore in Paris.

    MoJo shares with us that she wants to be, “so attracted to a guy that I want to jump on him every time I see him.”

    Fair enough MoJo, but in this case, jumping on him seems to involve going nuts with her rapier. Evan looks worried, as MoJo is aggressively kicking his ass.

    Yet another movie role is closed to him, as that shot at Mandy's Patankin's old role reprised in Princess Bride 2 is now gone. (Thank you to FORT poster Lurkinggirl for that always relevant Patankin reference).

    MoJo concludes, “He can’t handle the MoJo!”

    Back at the chateau, MoJo decides to present Evan with a gift. She says that she made it before the filming began, that she put a lot of thought in to it, and that she wasn’t going to give it away unless she really liked the guy.

    Evan opens the present, and it is a poem and a puzzle. She begins reading the poem while Evan commences his struggle with logistics of a ten-piece puzzle. Veteran FORT poster, Firegirl, notes that Evan is clearly zoning her out at she reads the poem.

    “Damn these women and their confusing puzzles!” He probably thinks to himself… “I don’t want to do a puzzle… I want to see that swimsuit again… ahhh… hot tub and swimsuit… bubbles… HUSBAND AND WIFE! What was that?”

    Evan is startled out of his pleasant thoughts by the words “husband and wife” in MoJo’s poem. He has learned the hard way that you have to pay attention when words related to marriage are thrown around.

    “Easy there cowboy… we don’t want anything to happen like at that Vermont underwear photo shoot last year with that nice guy the photographer…” Evan thinks.

    Evan confesses to us that the poem references to husband and wife were, “a little scary.”

    If that isn’t enough, he finally completes the puzzle and it is a picture of a workout outfit clad MoJo along with the caption, “I Choose You”.

    Right about now, I would be looking around my room for boiling bunnies, because this woman is getting just a little too close, too soon.

    Evan says that, “No girl has given me that before. I guess it was sweet…” Hardly a enthusiastic endorsement there Evan… I am guessing she will need to demonstrate other skills to impress you.

    Evan continues to try to ignore the poem, but it isn’t working. MoJo keeps calling his attention back to it as she reads. He knows what he has to do… it worked with Sarah… oh the sacrifices he makes for this role… he leans over for the kiss, and she is more than happy to reciprocate.

    We cut to a confessional scene where MoJo says, “He is so charming… right up there with the most charming guys I have dated!”

    Here is some friendly advice for you MoJo… Find new guys to go out with…

    Meanwhile, back at the Cancer Club, Melissa and Sarah are up to their old tricks. Melissa says, “She is a slut!”

    Don’t hold back Melissa say what you really think. Shockingly, Sarah agrees that MoJo is indeed a slut… so what does that make you Sarah? Mother Teresa?

    Melissa continues to amaze us with her philosophy on MoJo… “She is on a different element than me. We are in two different elements. If he is in her element, then he is not in mine.”

    Someone get me a copy of the Periodic Table stat!

    Melissa adds, “I can deal that [sic] Evan drinks beer… goes to Hooters… I can change that!”

    Here is a news flash… You can’t change a guy. He is who he is… and stop trying to do that. Why do women always try to change the men they choose to date or marry?

    Back in the room with Evan and MoJo, the kissing has stopped momentarily as MoJo proceeds to show Evan her personal photo album. As they skim through the pages, we come up a check for $1 Million Dollars that MoJo has written to herself, and promised that she would cash within three years.

    Now, I have known lots of people who have motivated themselves toward success with a similar approach. Yet for some reason, Evan says he is freaked by the check.

    He jokes, “Might write that check…” and MoJo smiles.

    Things begin to slow down for the public part of the date, and MoJo offers:

    “If you are tired, you can go to bed.”
    Translation: “Would you like me to help you balance your checkbook in your room?”

    So, this man, who repeatedly tells us that he has never lied to get a woman into bed, proceeds to take MoJo back to his room while that now familiar porn music queues up in the background…

    Yes MoJo, a woman who by his own words, “freaked” him out tonight on at least two occasions… but hey, he did offer to write that check… I guess this all depends upon the meaning of the word “lie”, eh Evan?

    It certainly looks like he got to handle the MoJo after all…

    And The ‘Winners’ Are…

    Sarah confesses, “One of these women we’ve spent time with is going to leave today.” Gee, I guess that loan work you did must have been pretty good, for it is clear that Sarah feels no worries.

    She and Melissa also agree that they hope it is MoJo who gets the boot.

    The ladies all gather at the now familiar window to watch Evan and Paul walking the grounds as he ponders his decision. Paul lets us know that Evan has been using him as a sounding board for this selection process.

    Zora tells us that it is “getting difficult”.

    The final four gathers to hear whom Evan has chosen to go on.

    In walks Alex, our host. As always, I am surprised. Alex lets the ladies know that they will be given ruby necklaces on this day should Evan ask them to go on.

    She has clearly caught on to the small amounts of camera time she has been getting, and so to make up for it, she stands there motionless for quite some time before finally saying she will go get Evan and Paul. Very clever there Alex… you doubled your camera time this week.

    Nothing against Alex, but I think the producers would have done well to simply bring in guest stars each week to begin the ceremony. You know, maybe have Ozzy Osborne stop by and mumble something about the f**king ruby necklaces and all that.

    Melissa sings “Another one bites the dust”

    MoJo confesses that she thinks Melissa will be the one to go today.

    Evan and Paul arrive with the prized jewelry.

    Evan begins with his usual pep talk… he says he tossed and turned last night… I assume that was with MoJo.

    He continues to say that he has had a great week (understatement there), but that one of the ladies is not on the same wavelength as he is.

    And so, the selections begin…

    Sarah – Evan says that they really ‘bonded’… no kidding? His date with her couldn’t have gone more perfectly… wow, he seems very grateful for that loan.

    Zora – “I really like Zora,” says Evan. “She isn’t trying to be something she is not. I want her to try to open up to me.”

    Now there is only one necklace remaining, and both Melissa and MoJo are licking their lips in anticipation for it. Finally, after commercial, the final name is read out…

    Melissa – Evan lets us know that she has a great sense of humor, and is sexy too.

    MoJo is crushed. She wrote him a poem, made him a puzzle, and helped him with his checkbook just last night… but yet today, no necklace.

    Evan addresses MoJo and says that the gift was wonderful, thank you.

    The three remaining girls look sad, and comment on how hard it is when someone has to go… ahh yes Sarah, it is hard to see your good friend MoJo leave right? I mean it’s not like you just said last night, “I hope it is MoJo, I can’t wait for that s**t to go down!” Oh wait, yes… you did say that, didn’t you?

    MoJo No More

    MoJo begins to pack, and she assures us that she can handle the rejection.

    “I thought I would go to the next round… I thought we were clicking.” She says. MoJo wishes that Evan had told her what the reasons were for his decision.

    On queue, we cut to a confessional of Evan saying that he, “didn’t know what was going on with MoJo.” He further suspects that she is out for his money… money he doesn’t have.

    MoJo counters in her confessional that, “I am not a gold digger, I truly liked him. It’s his loss.” Good for you MoJo. I have to say that she went quite a ways toward restoring her dignity with the manner in which she handled the exit.

    Meanwhile, back with the three remaining ladies…

    In what has to be a classic scene, even by this show’s standards, Melissa waits for MoJo to leave the chateau, and her sad, concerned face melts immediately in front of our eyes. The very definition of crocodile tears… and Paul would know about that…

    We see Melissa smiling to the camera… “I got a ruby!” she sings.

    Meanwhile Evan says, “The three girls remaining are not into money.” But Sarah is inspecting her ruby closely saying, “I am glad it is set in white gold…”

    We return to Paul in front of the fire. I laugh out loud as I see that Paul has kept MoJo’s puzzle for himself.

    He notes that next week, the ladies will join Evan on the French Riviera, and they will do so via private jet! Then, as usual, he delivers the line of the week, “Heidi would have loved that!”

    Next Week

    The three remaining women go to the south of France…

    Random passersby and kitchen fixtures tremble in fear as Evan is re-armed with champagne corks…

    And… more financial reconciliation occurs…

    Until then!

    Your comments are welcome. E-mail bill@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by Bill; 01-28-2003 at 07:38 PM.
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

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