Journal Entry # 3 the Final Four


Well, things here at the bachelor pad have not exactly been going as I have planned. I have done a few tactical maneuvers to help create some obstacles for my fellow bachelor opponents. To date all of my attempts to meet Trista have been shut down like the employee free lunch cafeteria at Enron, but being the operator that I am, I refuse to give up so easily.

I started this past week by replacing all the blades in the guy’s razors; those slick faces might not be so slick with razor burn. Is Foamy thick and rich enough to stop Big Dick in his quest for Trista – hell no! Of course the wombat, Rob, didn’t notice one bit. Then again he seems to shave and shower in the dark most days. In fact, it seems he goes thru each day in a complete fog. I really am not too worried about ole Rob. I also took the liberty of exchanging the guy’s pants with others. I figured too tall Jaime would be hilarious in Bobs pants. This was going to be great seeing the fashion plates come out to greet Trista in with their ill fitting clothes. Of course she would then notice me in my dashing attire, as I donned a smoking jacket and looked quite fetching. Paulie, the Lothario, would be proud.

The house took a slight turn when three lovely ladies arrived to help question the guys for Trista. I planned to be there as a “production assistant” to help the girls with their questions so they could be sure and weed out the losers. As fate would have it the girls were prepared for the questioning ahead of time. I realized I was slipping spending so much time with a bunch of oafish men, these were women! I should have been sharper; you have to be on your toes at all times when dealing with women. Especially when they move in packs. That is one maneuver I have learned as an agent, women do things in groups for protection. Men secretly think they are going to the bathroom to share lipstick, or to ask each other if they look fat (or in MoJo's case, if her hat looks good). Don't be fooled, they go together to formulate plans, synchronize watches and compare notes. These women were no exception.

Two of the women were friends of Trista, but one was even more experienced having been on the Bachelor before. In fact she says her name is Shannon, but I am sure I have seen her in operation before as agent “hearmeroar” This was not going to be easy. The women proceeded to interrogate the men and to choose three men for Trista to go on personal dates. During the questioning time the men of the house got it in their heads to clean the house, and I instantly began to question their masculinity. Men voluntarily cleaning a house that wasn't for sale? Well slap a housedress on them and call them "Alice." The nerve of these "guys" and worst of all, now they would be able to sort out their clothing. My well laid plan foiled again!

I realized I would just have to manipulate the one on one dates. The first of the dates was with the snake Russ. How could those girls have picked Russ for Trista? Then I realized I am dealing with women. They must have thought he would show his true self to her and she would see him for who he is, good thinking girls. Well, Trista and Russsssss were off in a blimp to see the sights. I made sure the menu called for extra spicy, gassy food the night before at the pad so I just knew Russss would have a hard time keeping from giving off toxic fumes. Did you see his face in that confined space of the blimp? The guy looked like he was going to explode! My plan was working then damn, I realized they were having dinner outside. The man was in so much pain from holding it in he was a real jerk for awhile. He kept arguing with Trista, I thought my plan might have actually worked! But, no eventually he must have been down wind from her and let it fly! No word from ABC whether any seagulls succumbed to the toxic cloud Russ left in the sky that night, as they wouldn't want the animal protection groups on their case. Oh, what a relief it is indeed. I'm not worried about Russ as Trista is sharp enough to see his "inner creep" soon enough.

The next date involved Charlie. Their plan was to go to a water park and then to dinner. I am an expert chemist and I put a little methalane blue in Charlie’s Coke the night before the date. For those who don’t know Methelane Blue is a harmless chemical used to mark and identify during experiments, it will also turn a man’s urine blue or green. Knowing the true nature of a man like Charlie I figured when he decided to take a leek in the pool at the park it would show up and Trista would run screaming right into my arms. Me being the ever dashing, suave, well mannered guy that I am would progress on with the rest of the date. Who knew Charlie had a bladder of steel, or else he must have been on to me. Of course the bottom of the pool was blue, maybe she never saw! Hmmmmmmm….. They then went on to their make over. I quickly donned my best smock and turned on my starving Hungarian accent to whip Charlie into shape. I think he is definitely on to my true identity, he wouldn’t submit to the “hair cut” I had in mind. I spent many months in a foreign jungle and you can bet he would have ended up a shrunken head to add as a charm on Trista’s new bracelet. Before I could say “I’ll take mine shaken not stirred”, they took off in my car! Those were not meant for them. I did pass the keys to Trista winking as I said “for later”, of course I meant for us! Will, the gods not grant me one favor! And to think how long it will take me to get that Charlie's greasy hair smell out of my upholstery.

My next and only hope was to come up with a plan to oust the sappy Ryan. I knew they would be going to Sea World and I figured my extensive animal training would come in handy. Besides, ABC would get a boost in ratings possibly a new show or a joint venture with Fox when Shamu freakishly attacked Ryan. Sure he would have a hospital stay but I would make sure Shamu didn’t chew off any limbs. He could still fight fires back home. I made my way to the park to act as the Whale trainer. I couldn’t believe it; I am sure someone is on to me and switched the signs on the male and female employee locker rooms. I was stuck trying to slip into a wet suit four sizes too small. Because of the razor switch back at the bachelor pad I had neglected to shave my body and the mini wet suit left me chaffed and burned. As I entered the whale tank the salt water needless to say felt like fire. I was in so much pain Shamu misread my itching as a hand signal and stopped short of going for Ryan in the middle of his poem. Of course it appeared to be a perfectly timed romantic moment instead of the Ryan appetizer I had intended. The entire animal kingdom appears to have turned against me in my quest to win Trista's heart. Damn that Marlin Perkins, and Joan Embry too, a curse on both of their houses.

Well, my only thing to do next was try to eject as many of the remaining bachelors left as possible on the group date. I went along burned and chaffed as I was. Before the date I planted a few things just to help in my sabotage. On the ever gentlemanly Jaime I planted a pocket full of Trojans, and I'm not talking about a big wooden horse. Ha! Would Trista have a change of heart when they went to talk and those fell out in front of her! Try explaining that with “dead rats, dead rats”. I made a few adjustments to some of the race cars and a few of the guys looked like big dorks when they couldn’t even drive them. Later on the beach I just knew Greg was going to bring his guitar and sing her a song so I replaced a few guitar strings to throw him off and completely removed his G-string, hoping that Trista would notice the significance and slap him silly. What kind of camp fire was this? The guy didn’t even try to pull out the song. Then I saw Trista and Jaime off to have a moment alone. I waited the fire gleaming off my enlarged pupils. Any moment I would see Jaime’s teeth shining in the dark as he asked Trista to have a seat on the blanket for a talk. I waited for the scream and slap as Trista picked up one of his surprises. It was silent. I crept closer digging the sand into my already raw skin. They were standing up! The coward was ASKING to give her a kiss on the cheek! Flashbacks of the junior high holiday dance racing in my head, I lost my balance and fell into the ocean.

I feel like giving up. Professionals like me can’t be used on the mundane people of the Bachelorette. I refuse! Trista and I are meant to be together. The things I can show her will make her life very exciting. She is a smart girl and I am sure the agency could use her. We could have little covert children. ABC could make a movie about us they could call it “spy kids” we would be unstoppable. I will just have to pull out all the stops.

Trista, made her decisions. She picked Russ, Charlie, Greg, and Ryan. She will go to meet each of their families. It will be a bit harder to interrupt this next round but I will not be deterred in my quest.

Till next time this is BIG DICK signing out!

Where is that ointment??