The Bachelor Bunch
Sung to the tune of -well you know...
"Here’s the story of a lovely lady who is living in LA all on her own.
She was ditched by Alex for Amanda. Poor Mandy – If she had only known.
Here’s the story of a bunch of bachelors, some of whom are very rarely shown.
They are 8 men living all together, but they are all alone.
Till the one day when this lady met these fellas and they knew that it was much more than a hunch.
Our Trista is going to find her true love and ABC is going to make a bunch.
The Bachelor Bunch, The Bachelor Bunch, that’s the way ABC made the Bachelor Bunch."
Okay now we are ALL gonna be singing that all day, Thanks a bunch…
Welcome back to week three of The Bachelorette. This week, Trista has to whittle down her selection of men from 8 to 4… and she has some company. Three of her girlfriends are coming to hang out at the bachelor pad in order to help Trista think straight. Think straight. This definitely means that Rob’s out of the running and I’m very close to revoking Ryan’s man card, too! He’s a hunky fireman, you cannot revoke a man card on that. The job negates the poems , and you haven’t even mentioned BOB
The three visitors consist of Missy and Sara, Trista’s life long friends, and Shannon. We all remember Shannon, right? Trista’s previous competition from The Bachelor 1.
I was surprised to hear her and Shannon were friends. I had thought she was an ABC plant. No matter, Its good to see her. She got the right vibes on creepy Alex, so she’s right for the job to help Trista.
These ladies have a mission. They are going to be allowed to ask the guys all the questions that Trista is dying to hear the answers to, but can’t ask herself… like “what’s your shoe size,” for instance. Ok this killed me.I’m glad they found out important things, and it was Shannon who suggested the foot question. We now know why she held Alex at arms length. She had a look at those size 7’s and decided she wasn’t in the mood for a laugh.
From the answers they receive, the size of each guy’s feet and their overall opinions, the girlfriends are going to pick which three get to go on solo dates with Trista. The leftover bachelors get to endure another group date before they get ditched.
When the girlfriends hit the guy’s place, the frat party is over. All of the guys put on their “impress the ladies” faces and behave like gentlemen. My good friend, Bob, was still his hysterical, charming self. The straight-laced guy act made me sad though, as I felt the guys partying was the best part of the show. However, I did see Shannon making the moves on Ryan. Eh, who can blame her? She’s single, didn’t get her own show and these guys have already been tested for disease and psychosis. (I’m guessing Russ lied on his app.)
The girls also said how they were waiting to meet Russ after Trista’s enthusiasm. Over the question table they were underwhelmed to say the least. He was at his SlimyRuss best, and the gals saw right through it. I can only assume that he rested his size 13’s on the table for inspection to try and compensate. The best friend committee also like Charlie (romantic), but didn’t think he was right for Trista. Ryan they found calm and peaceful , but also noted that being a fireman he must have a hot body.(priorities !) The others didn’t make much of an impression, but our Bob gave it the old college try by saying he had 12 ½ size shoes.
After the girlfriends spend some time with each of the guys, they head back over to Trista’s pad to let her in on the results. In between all the oohing and ahhing over the thought of Ryan in a swimsuit and over tall, toothy and tame Jamie, Trista’s solo dates are decided and the girlfriends return to the bachelor pad. Trista let’s the guys know about their dates via video. The first solo goes to SlimyRuss! The other guys seem amazed. Clearly Trista is out of her mind. Clearly the friends must have had a moment of temporary insanity. The boys however, take it in stride and plan another kegger . Who’s going to be on the lawn tomorrow morning?
Trista takes SlimyRuss for a blimp ride. Russ says, “I’ve never kissed anyone in a blimp before.” I have two things to say to this: (1) Most people have never kissed anyone in a blimp before. Blimps are not common modes of transportation; and (2) What makes you think you’re going to get kissed in this blimp, buddy?! My mind was replaying the Hindenburg disaster I had seen on the Discovery channel. How was Trista going to get out of this one?
Well, I guess Trista makes him think he’s going to get lucky. Throughout most of the ride, before she crawls in his lap, she is leaning over him with her hands on his thighs as she looks out the window. She was just holding him down to remind herself that if he started on the high pressure ohbabyi’mthebesttherearenoothe rguys routine, she wouldn’t be tempted to pitch him out the window
After the blimp ride, SlimyRuss and Trista head to dinner. It looks as though they are eating at a table set up in some parking lot surrounded by partitions. Weird, but whatever. It’s only Russ. Throughout the meal Russ looks uncomfortable and Trista lectures over and over again how she doesn’t like pushy, aggressive men. Yeah, we got that from the last episode where right before the rose ceremony you told him that you don’t like pushy, aggressive men. I think if you have to say that to a guy time and again, that there is probably something significantly wrong with the relationship. Maybe it’s just me……
This dinner was as romantic and fun as your coach lecturing you about not blowing the big game like you did the last time. She tells him she was feelin ‘it’ before he got all pushy and stuff , and then repeats her ‘shut up’ from last week so he won’t blow it again. He is not good looking enough to enjoy being around with his mouth shut Trista.
The date ends with SlimyRuss completely confused and confessing that he wasn’t able to be himself (you know, pushy and aggressive) because she was so busy lecturing. For some reason, this makes Trista kiss him. …Ewwww.
Back at the bachelor pad a second video arrives. This one’s for Charlie. Trista is standing in a teeny bikini to let Charlie know that they are heading to the Water Park. The next day Trista arrives in a stretch Hummer to pick him up for the date. Bob, lingers at the door as they drive away saying, “that’s a lot of car for just two people.” Yes it is, Bob. Yes it is...It is big enough for Charlies attitude and ego. Maybe she’ll forget Charlie and take Bob- Nope.
Well while he’s away Jamie and the other boys clean the house to impress the friends. Jamie tells them he’s writing a book and helping inner city kids (low blow).Bob just tells the girls ‘they’ were falling apart until the girls got there ( very nice Bob - flattery works) Mike has forgotten about Trista and plays carpet tag with Shannon and the dog that always seems to be hanging around
In his confessional, Charlie says how he’s looking forward to his alone time with Trista. He said that this will give him a chance to “get inside” Trista. I’m guessing there was a better way to have stated this, but then again, maybe he says what he means. …And we thought SlimyRuss was bad with the kissing thing
After playing for awhile at the Water Park, Trista and Chuck head to Saks where they are met by Jose Eber and Shoshanna Lonstein …Jerry Seinfeld’s exwho are there to make Trista and Chuck dry and beautiful again. Mission accomplished! After clothes and makeup, the two beautiful people head outside where Chuck is handed the keys to a … to a…. oh hell, what kind of car was it? …Aston Martin , Bond James Bond
Anyway, Chuck seemed impressed. The couple get in the car and zoom off to a five star restaurant that they have all to themselves. And poor SlimyRuss had to eat on a card table in some parking lot. …Yay producers!!!
Trista seems completely taken by Chuck. When he heads in for the kiss, Trista seems quite receptive. Later she tells her girlfriends that the kiss blew her away. When Chuck gets back to the boys there’s a conference in the kitchen. Chuck rambles on about the fine wine, the expensive car, the high dollar makeover, then heads to bed.
Russ stands silent, plotting how later he will destroy Chuck in his sleep. When Chuck leaves, bitter Mike badmouths him. Mike looks at the other guys and says, “He just went on for half an hour about how expensive and great everything was and I have no idea if the date went well or not.” Okay, I agree. Chuck does come off like an arrogant ass, but calling him out to the other guys is a little on the catty side, Mike. And Russ, wipe that cold stare off your face. You’re scaring me!! …
I really think Chuckie is so over-confident about Trista, he rambles on about the car and stuff, because he feels that’s the important part of the date. She did tell him that he was the only one that got to her by just getting out of the limo. Note to Trista – don’t EVER tell guys stuff like that. I hope there aren’t any knives around Russ
The next day the last video arrives and it’s for Ryan. Trista is taking him to Sea World! Ryan finds out and runs upstairs to write his muse another lame-o poem. I have to admit Ryan’s date is the coolest. They get to swim with the dolphins and have the entire park to themselves. …It was very cool. Plus we got to see Ryan in a wetsuit. He seemed really fun and cute and stuff
After swim time is over, dinner is served and Ryan whips out his poem. His POEM. Get your minds out of the gutter!
Something about her - short and blonde.
Without her, I can’t go on.
Here I am. Here I am.
A boy dying to be her man
...Or some such crap like that. She actually cries when he reads it. I officially cut his man card in half.
There once was a girl named Trista
who all the boys said they missed her
She had to pick one
And wanted some fun
So just rated the guys that kissed her…
Oh but Ryan has something SlimyRuss and Chuckie don’t have- sincerity. After that little poem, Trista was really ‘feelin him' . I mean really - he got a big tonsilly smooch for that little poem. Shamu and partner come to the surface and greet the happy couple just at the right time. I am wondering just how much Ryan had to tip the trainers for that little sign that he was the right one
When Ryan gets home, another kitchen conference is held. Russ takes his place against the counter and puts on his icy glare. Somewhere out there a bunny is boiling. After Ryan says he has a nice time and that the date went well, we see Chuck in the hot tub. He tells the camera in his confessional that if Trista could fall for a girlie man like Ryan, that he doesn’t want to be with her anyway. …Ha ha Chuckie, you are ticked off because you’ve been outmaneuvered, but so has SlimyRuss.
Boring Group Date!! Bob, Rob, Jamie, Greg and bitter Mike hit the racetrack then head to the beach for a clambake. …She plays the frickin flag girl at the go-cart track. What a girlie girl thing to do. I would have outraced them all so badly they would have begged for their man card to be pulled. I’m so disappointed in you Trista
It’s obviously freezing, but Trista doesn’t like any of these guys enough to cuddle, so she has to tough it out and be cold.
During this date, Trista breaks off with Bob, Greg and Jamie. I’m guessing she also talked with Rob and bitter Mike, but it was so dull it can only be seen on the cutting room floor. Bob, shows us his serious side in his one on one time with Trista. He tells her that he’s just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.
Yeah What happened to Rob and Mike? For that matter what happened to the clams ? I must have fallen asleep , because all I saw was Trista and the guys sitting on the beach clamless. Bob is giving it another try, but I’m thinking he is just liking Trista as a friend, but is too nice a guy to give her the old can’t we be just friends kiss off.
Then it was Greg’s turn. I’m not sure what he said. I was mesmerized by his eyes. So was Trista, though she did manage to tell us that she likes him not only for his eyes, but also because he writes her songs. Now, I don’t know if I fell asleep sometime while watching, but I’m almost positive that Greg has never played or sang for Trista. Oh well… those eyes! …I’m beginning to get suspicious too, although I did see Greg playing guitar for Shannon and the other girls. Hedge your bets Greg. Oh baby, I wrote a song just for you,
Last was Jamie. Poor Jamie. You blew it in your shower scene last week, buddy. You get a kiss on the cheek and a wave bye bye.Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe this. Poor Trista- poor Jamie. I know you aren’t used to being alone together, (well you and 15 crew members , a producer and director) but this was like a grade 8 dance.
Now it’s time for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever… again. After much deliberation, and I’m assuming a threatening letter from Russ, Trista makes her decision.
Wait you forgot the best part , the OHPICKMEPLEASEPLEASE videos!!
Charlie calls her ‘littleone’ - could you be more condescending?
Bob tells her if she meets his family , she’ll find out he’s the quiet one. Maybe he’s the lost Osbourne , I’m sure Ozzy played Michigan a time or two.
Russell says something about his new best friend. Um ok slimeball, with friends like that who needs enemies as the saying goes.
Jamie apologizes for the beach – For what exactly I’m not sure,but in his mind he thinks there must be a reason.Don’t apologize EVER for just taking up airspace, save it for the night you come in at four in the morning.
Mike- yada yada-boring.
Rob – come meet my parents . I assume so they can tell you what a great catch Rob is, cause Rob is terminally tongue tied. One thing comes to mind - assertiveness training - look into it.
Greg – liked the go carts – I can only assume we will be hearing the Trista and the go-carts song out of Nashville later.
Ryan confides to Trista that he didn’t write a poem because he was getting the feeling that Trista was only after him for his poems. Yes that’s what I think everytime I open my yummy firefighters calendar. I wonder if these guys write poems?
She chooses Charlie, Russ, Ryan and Greg.
Next week she will go meet the four guys’ parents in their home towns. I’m sad to see my good friend, Bob, go. (Bob, you can find my email at the end of this recap. Write me!!)
She tells Bob if she had five, she would have given it to him. Thatta girl Trista, reinforce that not only did you not think of him as second best and not Rose worthy , but that he’s fifth . I’ll bet that made him feel much better. And Russ – You must be into Voodoo or something equally evil. I don’t understand how you made it to the final four. It has to be those size 13’s.
Tune in next week when we meet the parents... Just for a laugh I wonder if they could set up the lie detecter. I mean I know that’s another show, but what fun. I am also anxious to see what parents spawned slimyRuss.Oh yeah and thanks to Sher you will be singing the Brady Bunch song all day Ha Ha Ha
Shersidhe and Enygma are your dating experts for this version of Bachelorette. They should have let us ask the questions. Any bribes ,hometown stories on the participants email (Bob this means you) firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com