The Osbournes – Episode 7

The fun starts off with Oz and Sharon in the bedroom playing with the TV. He seems to be fascinated by the way it goes up and down in its cabinet. It’s like a little kid with something shinny. He thinks it so cool and wants everyone at home to see it too, “It’s like the Batcave, watch this” he tells the cameraman.

It looks like Kelly has a lot of promotional work ahead of her, and she’s not too happy. One of the scheduled photo shoots is for a dog calendar, and she refuses. “No no no I can’t do that, it’s a dog book”, she whines, “I’d rather do something else, like nothing”. Great attitude there Kel. Millions of people everywhere throw darts at her picture. Nanny Melinda is trying to help her get things straightened out, and she starts to get snappy “I don’t want to go to New York, why can’t we do it on the phone”. Wah wah wah “people don’t need to be doing things for me, I can do it” she complains. Ha, we’ll see.

Jack is off to check in on one of the bands he signed a while ago to see how their demo is coming along. He meets them at a studio, and they listen to the songs. It’s nothing special, generic rock. Jack says that he likes it, and they spend a few minutes chatting and goofing around. I can’t believe this kid is in charge of anything, another sign of the apocalypse I guess.

More Kelly and more bitching. She goes off on a profanity laced tirade about not having any time for herself. Time for what? To sit around the house all day and then go get sh*tfaced at night? Apparently no one has explained to her that in order to be in show business she’ll have to leave the house. She pouts and rumbles through the house and tells Sharon that she needs a break. When Sharon asks her when she wants this break, she storms off to hide in her bedroom.

Ozzy goes to comfort his young diva but he doesn’t last very long. There was so much yelling and screaming coming from that room you’d swear someone was being murdered. “Sharon don’t ask me to do that again, I got f***ing reamed” he says. “She’s so dramatic” Sharon replies, and Oz counters with “she’s f***ing nuts”!

Jack gets a call from someone in that band, and has his own bit of a breakdown. He is waiting for the demo, but there seems to be some delay. The guitarist is a bit overprotective of the music, and that sends Jack into an F-bomb frenzy. “What the f*** is his problem” he asks irritably.

Kelly has arrived in New York for her appointments and heads to the studio. She’s there to lay vocal tracks and to make our ears bleed. Thank God for modern technology and the advances in recording and engineering. Oh how I would love for American Idol’s Simon to get a hold of her and put a stop to the pain. After that torture, she heads to the photo shoots and is absolutely miserable. Wearing devil horns and holding a pitchfork, Kelly has that “I’d-rather-be-slamming-my-head-against-a-brick-wall” look on her face. She pretty much carries that look through the rest of the shoot while complaining about being uncomfortable. I bet those pics will come out great with that sour puss.

Sharon tells Jack that Kelly was at some get-together and was knocked over by one of Puff Daddy’s bodyguards. I’d have paid a lot to see that. P Diddy picked her up, apologized, and was really nice to her. He promised to get her a diamond watch. “Wouldn’t it be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy” Sharon asks as we are treated to a dream sequence of one of his videos.
Sharon: I could be Puff Daddy’s mother in law
Jack: Puff Mummy? It’s P Diddy mum
Sharon: P diddydiddywiddywiddywilliewink le. I think they’d be so cute together
Jack: you’re just saying that because he’s famous and has lots of money
Sharon: no I’m not, he smells good
Jack: so f***ing what, I smell good
So, that’s all it takes to win her over?

Kelly arrives back home and after showing off her new piece of jewelry, the discussion turns to P Diddy.
Sharon: Doesn’t he smell nice Kelly
Kelly: He’s such a gentleman, so nicely put together
Sharon: I bet he’s got a nice willie
Melinda: Oh my God, P Diddy’s willie!?
Kelly: mum you can not talk about things like this
Sharon: I bet it’s smooth and oiled and…
I have to hand it to Sharon, she really knows how to embarrass a kid.

“STOP” Ozzy yells as he interrupts a pillow fight between Kel and Jack. He wants to hear her music, so they go into another room to listen. Surprisingly Oz is able to work the CD player. Watching him sit there reminds me of “The Thinker” sculpture. He’s either listening intently or has a migraine, it’s hard to tell. My guess would be the latter.

Some of the guys in the band pay Jack a visit to finally bring the demo. It sounds like the Foo Fighters song “Everlong”, just not as good. The guys explain that the guitarist is “high strung”, which in music terms means difficult. Jack hopes that he doesn’t become a nuisance. He should know an awful lot about that.

The show closes out with Kelly and Melinda watching “Annie”, and Kelly decides to sing us her version of “Tomorrow”. Thanks Kelly, and thank you MTV for giving us more Kelly than we will ever ever need.

Profanity Count: 40

Poop Count: 0

Next week: people get shots, and Lola takes dumps.

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