Nice Hat! Did You Get a Free Bowl of Soup With That Hat?

Joe Millionaire
Episode Three – Recap


Joe/Evan and his posse of debutantes (thanks for that line Paul!) continued their search for true love, and this week they went to Paris. We finally got the opportunity to see Evan interacting with the women, one on one, in an actual date. Could he keep his true identity a secret?

Will Zora continue to charm Evan with her wholesome earthly ways?

Can Sarah overcome her branding as a “Martha Stewart” woman to emerge as a favorite?

Is Melissa really the conniving gossipmonger that began to emerge last week?

Could Alison possibly be as tough as she portrays herself to be?

Will MoJo wear a stupid hat and poke someone’s eye out?

The answers to these questions, and more, are contained herein my friends, so read on…

For reference, pictures and information on the ladies can be found at Fans of Reality TV, The Ladies of Joe Millionaire .

The Usual Suspects…

We are once again treated to the now familiar opening scenes involving bulldozers, torn shirts, and McDonalds.

Yet, intrepid chronicle-izer of the show that I am, I watch intently… it pays off too because there is a comment that Evan makes that just cracks me up. He is having the blurred chat on the deck with some unknown person… probably Paul… and he is whining as usual about how hard this is on him. Then he says, “it eats my brain out.”

Hmmm…short meal there Evan…

Paul is back in front of the fire, and the brandy level is down significantly from last week… he seems to be slurring his words a bit too. That’s it Paul… drink away the pain my friend. He wonders if the women are falling for Evan’s heart or his money.

I can tell you it is not for his horseback riding skills.

Whoa! This is Like a Foreign Country and Everything!

Using his keen sense of direction and smell, Evan has figured out that they are in Paris. He notes that it is romantic and expensive. Ah yes, never miss a chance to get a financial reference in eh guys?

This editing team handles subtlety the same way Mike Tyson handles dates with beauty pageant contestants.

The gang is gathered around a simple dining room table having a friendly discussion. The topic turns to what the ladies are looking for, as most important, in their man. Sarah lets us know that she will not date a liar.

Evan is a little worried about that answer, but he is saved when Sarah follows up with, “well, maybe once or twice for good reason.” Hmmm… honesty is necessary, but you can lie as long as you come up with a good reason.

You can almost hear the long since rusted over gears inside Evan’s head struggle to begin to turn… “If I can only think of a good reason for why I lied and humiliated her in front of a record breaking national audience, I am sure she will still love me…”

Let’s be honest though, what he really was thinking was, “she is so hot! Check out that rack… my gosh, I hope there is a hot tub back at the big house thingy… focus Cowboy… we got a ways to go here… yeah, yeah, honesty, blah, blah, blah… jeez, what is with these women and honesty?”

You’ll Poke Your Eye Out!

Melissa Jo is selected to be the first date with Evan. Paul gives her the message that dress for the evening will be sheik.

Evan and Paul are discussing the pending festivities, and Paul cracks his second good line of the night, “we’ll see how MoJo defines sheik.” Clearly Paul has his doubts, but I am pretty sure the joke went right over Evan’s head.

Back in the ladies suite, the competition builds, and in the most shocking rose ceremony ever… wait, wrong show, sorry...

Melissa picks up right where she left off last week, and begins to dish the dirt. Melissa is shocked that Evan picked MoJo, and says that she has, “no style”.

Sarah wastes no time getting in her barb, “MoJo is naive.”

I wasn’t aware that these other ladies were such fashion pallets… I mean gosh Sarah, someone only has to refer to your pictures from arrival at the chateau to find that you would do well just to keep your mouth shut, and hope that picture disappears from the internet someday soon.

What is this? I am defending MoJo? Time to get some of Paul’s brandy out, because soon enough my faith is shattered…

MoJo decides that the best way to accessorize your sheik appearance is to wear the now famous “hot momma” hat! It frankly looks like the kind of female pimp hat that Heidi Fleiss undoubtedly wore.

The other ladies are laughing behind her back as she poses for them. However, in a true good sports-woman-ship manner, they all assure MoJo that she looks great! “Trust us!” said one of them… That should have been your warning right there.

We cut to Evan on the balcony of his suite, opening a champagne bottle. He pops the cork, and lets us know that he loves that part.

However, in what may be the best argument to date for gun control, Evan has failed to consider the consequences of firing off a projectile over the balcony of his hotel room, and he hits a passerby on the sidewalk below! The offended Frenchman begins shouting back at him… Evan runs and hides.

I’ll cut Evan some slack here, I too thought that champagne corks simply flew up and went to cork heaven. Imagine my surprise to learn otherwise…

MoJo enters, and Evan’s voice over tells us that he likes MoJo because she has a, “suck you in aura”, about her. Easy big fella… I am guessing you will find out about that, and other skills MoJo might possess soon enough, but let’s not jump the gun here.

Evan presents MoJo with the gift of a few fine dresses. She immediately begins to try them on, and Evan clearly likes the one in which she is nearly falling out of the top. I suppose I should credit him for consistency here, for that is probably the reason he kept Alison around back on day one.

I do have to say that MoJo looked pretty darn good in the dress Evan picked (or more likely, discovered to be in his room just prior to the date, all wrapped and everything… it’s great being rich!).

However, MoJo kills the moment by deciding that her hat would go just as well with this dress. After all, the other girls said it looked great… they wouldn’t lie to me would they?

They go to dinner at a fine French restaurant… which I suppose is not all that rare in Paris… I would have been more impressed if they had gone out in search of good Thai food.

During the meal, Evan describes the conversation as forced. They are trying hard to find things to talk about. Further, it appears that MoJo is staring at Evan constantly, to the point that he confesses, “it freaked me a bit”.

I remember seeing that same stare on Animal Planet, and it is too bad that Paul the Croc Hunter wasn’t there to help. “Crikey Evan, that is the same stare that a croc has just prior to leaping out of the water and devouring some unsuspecting critter… be careful mate!”

From dinner, our two love bird’s head out for a show. That show is none other than Moulin Rogue… no, not the movie, but the actual show in Paris. They have good seats, and get to bypass the line outside and go directly into the theatre.

During the show, Evan sits beside MoJo with his arm around her. I don’t think he saw much of the show, because MoJo’s hat was blocking the view for most of the front row. Evan comments that every time he tried to whisper something in her ear, he kept poking his eye on her hat. He says, “I wanted to fling that hat.”

At the end of the meal, MoJo had let us know that the dinner conversation was smooth and easy.

Evan feels that the evening was a “total disaster”.

So will MoJo finally MoGo this week? Stay tuned…

I Went to Paris, and All I Got Was This Stupid Painting

Melissa is next up on the date card, and she begins by assuring us that she is, “a good woman”. Well thanks for clearing that up Melissa.

No initial gifts for Melissa. We join her and Evan in the car on the way to their first location.

On the ride over, the conversation flows pretty well. In the context of knowing that Evan has a surprise for her, Melissa says that he is a very good secret keeper. I’ll bet you wish you could take that back now, eh Melissa?

She also lets us know that she loves surprises. Well, I guess you will be thrilled then when Evan chooses you later as the winner.

They are going to the Eiffel Tower, and Melissa is extremely excited. Evan notes that he was enjoying her excitement, and was touched by the tears in her eyes… though I think they were really just raindrops.

Melissa is impressed that no one else is there, and seems to think that Evan has reserved the entire Tower just for her.

Evan has one of his infrequent bouts of clarity when he notes that most likely the tourists were smart enough to stay away from a massive metal tower during a potential thunderstorm. Ahh, those crazy French!

Melissa feels that, “Evan is generous,” and that, “there is romance!” However, she does note that Evan is watching her a lot, and checking her reactions to events.

Over lunch at the Tower, Evan comments that Melissa is generous and honest, while for her part, Melissa is feeling chemistry.

As viewers, we honestly have no way of knowing where all of these thoughts come from. The conversations of this date are not shown much, and those that are, mostly have to do how excited Melissa is. So, we’ll need to take their word for it.

Evan invites Melissa back to his room for cocktails… heh heh… he said cocktails… Melissa accepts, and I assume that we will get down to some action finally.

In the suite, Evan unveils Melissa’s gift, and what a gift it is. It seems that Evan has paid a street artist to paint a portrait of Melissa. Now, I am no art critic, and I am sure that professionals would find several great things to say about this painting. I can’t think of any though, and to be blunt, this painting sucks.

It makes Melissa look like a frickin’ beaver getting ready to chew through a log.

I have to wonder what qualifications are required to be designated a “street artist” in Paris? This artist must have graduated from one of those art schools that you find on the inside of a matchbook cover.

“Ah yes Pierre! You have drawn Sparky quite well! Next, we move on from stick figures to using color, and soon your work will be the talk of all Paris… that will be 50 francs please…”

It seems that Melissa is so put off by the painting that the date ends rather quickly. She assures Evan that she is very grateful for the portrait.

Upon returning to the ladies suite, we are treated to an endless stream of less than complimentary comments about the painting. Melissa is properly worried that the painting seems to accentuate her two front teeth.

Alison comments, “What are you going to do with it? Hang it in your living room?”

Last Tango in Paris

Sarah is on deck for date number three.

The ladies comment that Sarah seems to be quite the chatterbox. She hasn’t really shown that in the past, but perhaps she has opened up lately.

They are also trying to think of questions to ask Evan on the date. Several of the questions are good, and would have undoubtedly stumped Evan when asked.

Would she ask them though?

Meanwhile, Paul is helping Evan get ready for the date, he notes that, “you are difficult to fit.” Evan replies that they breed them big where he comes from. Yes Evan, you are quite a big di… never mind…

Paul is apprehensive about this date. He describes Sarah as being a bit, “self-absorbed.”

The date begins in an isolated area of the hotel where Evan has arranged for private Tango lessons.

Evan figures that his post date gift strategy was a failure with Melissa, so he opts to return to the pre-gift approach. Smart thinking there Evan, for if MoJo had not been wearing that Cone of Silence hat, you would have got some!

Evan remembers that Sarah likes “strappy things”. How does he know this? I think that the person who likes strappy things on Sarah is Evan… well, and myself as well…

In any case, Sarah gets scarves, shoes, and a rather fetching red top. She changes into her newfound tango outfit, and looks quite good. Apparently Evan has chosen wisely, for she rushes up to him for a kiss.

Evan comments that Sarah has a “rocket body”. Somebody get NASA on the phone.

The Tango instructor doesn’t speak English, but no matter, soon she is guiding Sarah through the initial steps of the dance. Let’s not forget, Evan is a dancing expert as shown by his training back in episode one.

So while the two ladies begin to work the room, Evan is transfixed watching them. He says that he likes watching the two ladies dance. Now Evan, I could find myself watching many things that Sarah does, but the instructor was, lets be kind… an experienced dancer, with many, many, many years under her belt… and over that same belt for that matter.

If he finds this scene attractive, then I would caution all future dates of Evan’s to stay away from what must be in his VCR tape collection back home.

Finally Evan cuts in, and by all appearances, he and Sarah have an enjoyable afternoon of dancing and champagne. Sarah admits to forcing her ample assets against him whenever possible, and it is clear she is very much physically attracted to him.

Evan likes her too, noting that she is “gorgeous, sweet, and nice”.

Back in the ladies suite, Sarah returns in time for some good old fashion smoking and gossip with her new best buddy Melissa. Sarah says that she had a lot of fun. Melissa doesn’t seem to care about that, she just wants to know how the goodnight kiss went.

Sarah confesses to the camera, “I like suave and cultured guys, but I will take a diamond in the rough…as long as the checks cash” Okay, maybe I added that italicized part, but Sarah, you have disappointed me so…

Hurry Up and Spill Your Guts!

Next on the hit parade is Zora.

We know from last week that Zora did quite well in the outdoor work-dates. Evan was impressed with her beauty and attitude. He reminds us this week that he is intrigued by her, but that now he hopes that she will finally open up to him…

Zora confesses to us that she is not quite sure if she can handle a situation with a guy who has a lot of money, given her poor background.

Yes, the irony fairy has returned to pay us a visit as the date begins.

They meet in what looks to be a small café. Sitting in the back, there is tension in the air, and the conversation is simply not working well.

No matter, for Evan has watched Dr. Phil. He knows how to make someone feel comfortable and open. All it requires is trust, understanding, and patience.

People are different, and let’s face it, talking with a relative stranger in front of cameras and crew is a bit nerve racking… Yes, Evan understands, and he is ready to help…

Summoning up his master plan for putting Zora at ease, he says…

“Loosen up!”

Now, I am no more a psychologist than I am a street artist, but I believe that this strategy is doomed to failure.

Evan demands that she ask him questions, because he wants to blow off her answers and begin to immediately quiz her in detail about her life. It is all very perplexing really, because he didn’t seem to act this way around the other women, and I wonder if his behavior here is because he really likes Zora.

He asks about her family, and on numerous confession sequences during this date, Zora says that she isn’t ready to share some of the facts of her life with him yet.

Evan knows he must be on the right track toward helping her feel better, but decides to kick it into the next gear when he continues to complain to Zora that she is not being open, and further, that he had a much better time with Sarah.

I give Zora a thousand bonus points for not tossing her drink in his face and storming out at that point. I found that entire scene to be one of the most cruel things I have observed on TV since, well, American Idol…

Zora attempts to explain a little bit of her caution in sharing, and Evan seems to recover somewhat while cryptically noting that he “knows what it is like to be portrayed as something you are not.”

They leave the café and go for a stroll along the Seine river.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the other ladies are beginning to wonder why Zora hasn’t returned yet. They begin to assign less than honorable reasons for her absence.

Back along the river though, the situation has gone from bad to worse. Both Zora and Evan are clearly uneasy, and even a pit stop to listen to a string quartet is not helping.

Evan gives Zora a music box as a gift. However, she is now openly crying.

He confesses that he is frustrated and second guessing his decision to ask her to stay.

Finally, they decide to head back to the hotel. Somehow the conversation turns to how beautiful a scene they are in, and I have to agree, Paris is quite beautiful. Yet Evan then lets slip that he was driving a bulldozer three weeks earlier.

He panics… clearly he has screwed up big time.

He covers as best he can by saying that, “did I say three weeks? I meant two years ago…” Uhm, yeah Evan… good cover there.

I really don’t think Zora cares. She has pretty much zoned out most of this date, and she shows no signs of catching on to the lie.

The date ends, and Zora returns directly to her room. Let the girls think what they will she says, for she is not into the jealousy and competitive streak that she finds in that group.

Evan describes the date as “miserable”.

It seems to me that Zora, an early favorite, is on the ropes… but is she?

True Confessions

This brings us to Alison, the last of the five women Evan will see.

Alison has been relatively aloof in this process. She is giving out the vibe that she doesn’t need or want Evan.

The other ladies aren’t quite so sure. Zora notes that Alison says there is no chemistry between Evan and herself, but here she is, getting nervous about the date, and putting in a lot of preparation time.

Evan likes Alison, and notes that she is smart, sophisticated and spunky.

Their date will begin with a river cruise down the Seine. Evan is at it again with the champagne corks, this time taking out a small light fixture. Remember folks, guns don’t people… morons with champagne bottles kill people…

Their initial task will be to help make their lunch, which consists of authentic French cuisine, none of which Evan can pronounce.

To make matters worse, he doesn’t seem to like the food either, and keeps asking the waiter to bring him une plaque de McNuggets de poulet… well, maybe that is what he was thinking.

Despite his probable ability to say Chicken McNuggets in French, Alison is not impressed.

In fact, she confesses that she didn’t expect “Rico Suave…” but would have liked someone a little smooth. I don’t have time to ponder why she wanted to hear an obscure song from Gerardo… still it seems that Alison is a complicated woman.

Evan has that now familiar feeling that once again a date is not being completely forthright with him. He knows that he was really able to help Zora come out of her shell… “Why she was crying tears of happiness by the end of their date!” he thinks to himself.

So, on the back of the boat, he confronts Alison, and asks if she feels any chemistry at all.

To her credit, she answers truthfully, and says that she doesn’t see it working with him. She feels that this whole situation, and having to meet this way, is freaking her out. She probably would rather not continue on in the competition.

At that point, I would have asked her why the hell she signed up for such a program if she felt that way… but I’ll admit, Evan handled it better than I could have.

You see, the thing that is paradoxical about Evan is that he does have his moments where he really comes across as an intelligent nice guy… granted, that bulb burns out pretty fast, but this is one of those times.

Rather than immediately end the date, Evan continues to talk, and in fact compliments Alison for being so honest.

All of this seems to act as a catharsis for Alison, who is now visibly more relaxed and talkative. She describes her father, who is a bus driver. This knowledge relaxes Evan, who had preconceptions that anyone from NY must be a high-class person, who would look down on a lowly bulldozer operator like Evan.

They really seem to hit it off.

At one point Alison notes that should everything go well, Evan would get to meet her friends. Evan notes that change in attitude, and quizzes Alison a bit to clarify that she still is interested in being in the game.

Things are going so well that Evan decides to extend the date beyond the scheduled time, and take Alison to the Notre Dame. The must have edited out the scene where Evan wonders aloud how those football players can stand the long flights back to the States each week for the game.

Evan notes that, “Alison always told me she wanted to see Notre Dame.” Now I am really confused… he knows that Sarah likes strappy things? Alison has “always told me”? When did all of these conversations occur?

My thoughts are broken by the arrival on camera of the obligatory mullet wearing Parisian. Jerry Lewis and mullets are apparently quite popular in France… and really, why should we feel like their culture is something to admire?

The date ends with Alison thanking him for such a good time.

I honestly believe that these two hit it off pretty well once they got past that initial roadblock. They seemed happy and relaxed. Clearly, Alison has earned her way into the next round… right?

And The ‘Winners’ Are…

It is sometime that evening when Paul arrives to inform the ladies that they will be gathering in the hospitality room. Speculation is rampant, for they have not been told how many girls will be getting the boot tonight.

The consensus is that it will be more than one leaving. However, we the viewer know from counting down the number of remaining episodes that it will be one, if any, going.

Sarah feels that Melissa and herself are safe, but isn’t sure beyond that… ah, the bond between smokers is indeed unbreakable.

They assemble in the room, and await Paul and Evan’s arrival.

But first, some strange woman walks in and interrupts us… Oh wait, I remember her! That’s Alex, the host of the show!

Alex strolls in wearing what looks to be the dead carcass of Barney around her neck.

It is some kind of purple furry thing… perhaps an environmentalist spray painted her fur on the way in, I don’t know… but suffice to say that the amount of time I spent typing this information on Alex was far longer than her participation on this episode.

I didn’t think it was possible to get even less camera time than she had last week, but rest assured my friends, it is possible…

At this pace, by the end of the show, she will be like Leslie Nielsen in Airplane repeatedly entering the cockpit saying, “I just wanna wish you good luck, we're all counting on you.”

With her weekly inspiring words to the ladies properly edited out, Alex turns and leaves the room… it seems she doesn’t even get to stay for the ceremonies any longer. She must have been a bad girl.

Paul and Evan arrive. This week’s jewelry de jour shall be a emerald pendant. I am impressed. Winners or not, emeralds are starting to get into the expensive end of the jewelry world, and a quality emerald can be worth much more than a comparable diamond.

However, this is FOX, so I am guessing that they used food coloring over some of the healing crystals that you and I both know just have to be in Zora’s luggage.

Evan gets right down to business, and makes the ladies aware that there will be only one departure this evening. He calls on Paul to read out the names.

I have to ask at this point… would it kill you Evan to call the names yourself? Are you afraid that you will get mixed up mid-sentence and call out ZoraJo? Frankly, having Paul read the name is a bit tacky…

Then again… given the premise of the show… read away Paul! Read away!

Sarah – Evan says that he gets along good with her and they have good conversation. Plus, he reminds us that she is hot!

Melissa – This is the long noticed spoiler scene. We knew that Melissa would get an emerald, and that it would come this week. No surprise here. Evan says that they had a good date, and he hopes that down the road, she is still interested. I am guessing she will be Evan… just go easy on the artwork…

MoJo – This selection brings about some surprised looks. It seems that the ladies are all competing against each other, but that they are united in their disdain for MoJo. I am hopeful that this selection does not set in to motion a new trend is stupid hat wearing.

Evan seems to have forgotten the personal injuries he has suffered during his date with MoJo. He says that she is a gorgeous, tall blonde who is successful in life… uhm… okay, sure Evan…

So now it is down to Alison or Zora. He had a horrible date with Zora, and not only that, may have blown his cover. Meanwhile, his date with Alison was quite a hit, and they showed that they could communicate frankly and honestly with each other.

The choice for Evan is clear here…

Zora – Evan feels there is something intriguing about her. Zora says, “I’m shocked!”.

Alison is trying to hide her disappointment. She clearly wanted to stay.

Evan gives a confession that he was surprised that Alison was upset. He doesn’t want her to be disappointed, for he feels she would be more comfortable with someone much more refined than he.

Alison confesses that she now wishes that she had not said she didn’t think there was chemistry. Little did you realize Alison that you are actually a winner in this fiasco. She further indicates that she does have some issues with getting close to someone, and that after this experience she will go into “romantic detox” and those things.

Paul speculates that Evan was intrigued by Alison, but didn’t know how to chase her.

Did Evan Make the Right Choice?

Paul returns to his cozy fire and glass of brandy. “What a shame, I rather liked Alison.” He says. He also notes that he advised Evan that a “faint heart, never won a fair maiden.”

Clearly Alison was one of Paul’s favorites, but I have to disagree with him as it pertains to Evan choices.

While I was impressed with how well Evan and Alison eventually got along, I suspect that Evan’s lack of culture would indeed be an issue down the road, and I give him credit for seeing that, despite not having the advantage of knowing Alison’s thoughts as we did.

Further, it is pretty apparent that Alison has some relationship issues to work through, and having the big lie dropped on her at the end of this show was simply not going to be healthy for anyone.

Next Week

The four remaining women return to the chateau, and Paul assures us that the hot tub scenes will be good…

Now, I invested a lot of time with my Tivo going frame by frame on the bathing suit scene shown. Yes, I put in that kind of selfless effort for my valued readers. It would appear that the woman climbing out of the tub is either MoJo or Sarah, and based upon the evidence ‘ahem’ shown… I think it is Sarah.

The hot tub isn’t the only hot water Sarah finds herself in, as apparently she may get quite drunk with Evan…

Sarah lets us know that, “if I ever get any money, I’d know exactly what to do with it!”

And… someone is described by Evan as an opportunist…

I doubt it is Sarah because they throw the comment in right after her note on money above… clearly this teaser comes right out of the Mark Burnett school of audience management. My early guess? MoJo goes next week.

Until then!

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