Fear Factor 01/20/03

Step right up, take a number, and you too can be embarrassed on TV. Let’s meet this weeks victims:

Atman Mercadillo – Message Therapist from Dallas, Texas. I don’t know what this little guy is trying to be. He’s wearing a silly hat and glasses from the LL Cool J collection.

Susan Maier – PR Student from Raleigh, North Carolina. Self proclaimed “wild & crazy chick”. I take that to mean “will get naked for beer money”.

Terra Watson – Fashion Designer from Houston, Texas. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” is what she’s trying to say as she jiggles and spills out of her top.

Gerald Wilson – Sales Manager from Chicago, Illinois. Another one that hates to lose. I wonder if there is someone somewhere that will get on a show and say “hell yeah, I LOVE to lose. Bah, anyway…

Melissa Weikel – Bartender from Las Vegas, Nevada. Bla bla bla I’m ready for a challenge, bla bla bla I’m here to win. Here to win…no sh*t?

Suleiman Badwan – Fire Captain from O’Fallon, Missouri. Bla bla bla whatever it takes, bla bla bla. With all of the clichés these people are sounding like real athletes.

They make their way down a pier and meet up with host Joe Rogan. He goes over the rules, and shows them their first stunt:

Modified Monkey Bars
A scaffold-like structure is suspended over the water. Contestants must climb a rope ladder, make it to the other end using only their hands, release the flag, and fall into the water while the structure is spinning. The 2 men and 2 women that make it the fastest or farthest will move on.

Terra is lucky #1, and heads off to get ready. I notice that it’s another cold day of shooting. Gerald asks about Atman’s attire and wonders if he gets shot at. We find out that Terra is a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, and she thinks that will help her with this. Uh I’m going to have to disagree. She makes it up the ladder, but apparently didn’t think it out too well as she grabs onto the scaffold facing the wrong way. She manages to spin around and decides that the best way to handle this obstacle is to just hang there. Terra hangs on for a few seconds before losing her grip in 50.3 seconds. Just for good measure, she hits her leg on the ladder on the way down.

After that sad performance, Joe ups the ante and offers a thousand dollars to anyone that makes it to the end.

Susan is up next, wearing a lovely iridescent blue/purple two-piece. She says that she’ll use the money to pay for spring break. Damn, party at Susan’s house! She makes it up the ladder and onto the structure without much of a problem. Sue gets to the 2nd bar before losing her grip while reaching for the 3rd. By getting farther than Terra, she advances.

Melissa closes out the ladies, and makes it up the ladder in pretty good time. She didn’t bother to plan it out either as she faces the wrong way once reaching the structure. She spins around and makes it to the 2nd bar before her skinny little arms give out. But that’s far enough to move on and send the ex cheerleader packing. Give me an L-O-S-E-R what’s that spell…

Joe tells the guys that the grand will still be on the table for them, as Atman gets hooked up. He takes off his hat, glasses, and assorted beads and trinkets and I’m willing to bet that it weighs more than he does. There’s concern that the little fella might fly off due to the swinging, and someone calls him “Beetlejuice”. He scoots up the ladder and across the structure like a kid in a playground, which is fitting because he looks about 14. He grabs the flag and hits the water in 44 seconds.

Gerry is up next, and nobody likes him. He’s a bit too cocky, and that usually means trouble. He makes it up the ladder in record time, but is slowed a little by the bars. At around ¾ of the way across he loses grip with one hand, but manages to hang on. He reaches the end, grabs the flag, and hits the water in 47 seconds.

Suleiman closes out the stunt. He looks a little like Erik Estrada with curly hair. He doesn’t have much of a problem either, and it looks like it’s going to be close. Ponch gets to the flag and splashes down in 48 seconds. He missed by 1 second, that’s got to suck.

It’s on to stunt 2 as the group arrives at a farm. They make their way past the critters and meet Joe at a picnic table, and he utters the magic words “I hope you guys are hungry”.

Breakfast of Champions
silkworm cereal- consists of silkworm larvae and brine.
balut eggs- boiled, fertilized duck eggs
protein shake made with liquefied pig livers.
Glass bottles are numbered from 0 – 3 and arranged on a table in tiers. Contestants will use a slingshot and take 1 shot per course, which will be the amount they will have to eat. They must name which substance they are going for before they shoot.

Sue is lucky #1. She ends up with 3 scoops of worms & brine, 3 glasses of pig liver, and 2 eggs. She is given 14 minutes to finish her “meal”, I give her 14 seconds to hurl. She chugs the first shake like it was a Mudslide and tears into an egg. She gags a little on the eggs, but manages to put them down. She moves on to the worm cereal and is in deep trouble on her first bite. She makes a horrendous sound and quickly covers her mouth while everyone at the table jumps up. She amazingly keeps it down and bravely goes for another spoonful, but that is her last bite as she backs out. Bye-bye blondie.

Gerry is next and gets a hat-trick, 3 of each. He devours the eggs, and makes quick work of the worms & brine. He sucks down the first glass of liver and starts to gag about halfway through the second. After a few deep breaths he polishes that one off and hits the last one, while Atman makes puke noises in the background. He struggles with every last drop, but is able to get it down and keep it there.

LL Cool A is next and ends up with 3 eggs, 3 scoops of worms, and 2 glasses of liver. He starts on the first egg and is in trouble already. After a few sips of the liver he turns his attention to the worms. Wee-man makes it to his second bite before his little tummy gives out and he blows chunks. He didn’t even have time to grab “The Official Fear Factor Chuck Bucket”.

All eyes are on Melissa as she gets 3 eggs, 2 scoops of worms, and 1 glass of liver. She starts off with the worms and gags a few times. “Just swallow it” Joe says encouragingly. Her eyes well up as she finishes the “cereal” and moves on to the eggs. Tears stream down her face as she fights to keep everything from coming back. I think she’s about done, but surprisingly she keeps going and is able to down it all.

And then there were 2, Melissa and Gerry are off to the finals.

Walk the Plank
A 60 foot long beam is suspended 100 feet in the air. Contestants must make it from one side to the other while walking on stilts. The person with the fastest time wins

Gerry wins the coin flip and decides to go second. As Melissa is getting ready, she tells Joe that she’ll have an advantage because she wears high heels. I guess these would be the ultimate “F-me pumps”. Joe relays that comment to Gerry and he responds with “I wear heels too, I cross dress all the time”. He was trying to be funny, and failed miserably. Joe then brings up the fact that Gerry used to be a stripper, which embarrasses him slightly. O-K

Melissa is in position, and gets the countdown, 3-2-1-GO! She takes off, and is moving along slowly and wobbly, as Gerry shouts the ever so popular “fall fall fall” and “don’t look down”. How original G. She makes it across the finish line in 24 seconds. I’m surprised she made it, she looked ready to tumble a few times.

Gerry is ready, in position, and talking to himself. Well, that’s one person willing to listen. He gets the countdown and takes off, and I think the countdown was longer than his run. He doesn’t seem at all affected by the stilts and zips right across in a blazing 9 seconds. I’m not sure if this is a first, but the bad guy won. Mr. trash talking-sales managing-former stripper is 50 grand richer.

Tune in next time for more madness.

To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com