The Osbournes – Season 2, Episode 6

and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…no screaming kids, no barking dogs, are we in the right place? The little creatures are shown lounging around, and it’s eerily quiet. The calm before the storm.

Kelly and her friend Sara head upstairs, and on the way, Kel is lucky enough to plant her bare foot in a little surprise left by one of the critters. She squeals and hops on her clean foot all the way to the bathroom, expressing her hatred for the f***ing dogs the whole way. Sara mumbles something about washing a shirt, and Kelly gives her a hard time about it. “You shoved that shirt in my face, and now I have B.O. on my lip” she claims. Well, it can’t be any worse than what she’ll get from her boy-toy Bert.

Jack is on the phone with his ol’ pal Dill, and it appears that the tumbleweed-haired one is coming to town for a few days. Of course Jack invites him to stay at the Osbourne Estate. Didn’t they get enough of him last time? Don’t they already have enough pets?

It’s off to Kelly’s rehearsal, and she has asked Sara to play drums for her. They apparently met at the mall, and Sara says that Kelly practically begged her to join her band. Sara gives us some of her musical background: “I would always tap on tables or benches wherever I was, a complete sense of rhythm came natural. I never took lessons”. Uh Sara, after witnessing your performance, you might want to take a few lessons.

At the kitchen table, Jack and Nanny Melinda discuss Sara’s ability, or lack there of. He seems to think that she’s an amazing drummer, and now I have to question his sanity. This kid is a music scout for a record company? God help us.

Ozzy checks in with his take on drummers while sitting at his “drawing” table. “Drummers are weird people, anyone that wants to sit behind a kit and beat f***ing skins is a weird person”, he states before realizing that he’s made a mistake. “That was the wrong color, I’m going to change it. It’s too f***ing pink. Ozzy Osbourne using the color pink”. Watch out Picasso.

With the family sitting in the living room, Oz walks in and comments that Jack’s hair looks “flamboyant”. That’s putting it mildly. Speaking of hair, Jack fills his dad in on their once again houseguest Dill. Ozzy is in a state of shock, and I would be too. They watch a video of Dill’s various skateboard antics:
Jack: This is where he broke his finger.
Oz: Oh my God! F***ing idiot
Jack: He’s a good skater isn’t he?
Oz: He’s f***ing nuts.
Jack” Did you see his ankle just snap?
Oz: Ughhhhh!
Ozzy frickin’ Osbourne just called this kid nuts. What does that tell you?

Bobby, Kelly’s band manger, pays Sharon a visit while she’s in the hospital. She asks about Sara, and he basically tells her that she sucks - all over the place, missing fills, etc. So Sara, honey, about those lessons…

The animals are acting up, barking and fighting with each other. “That dog is satanic” Oz claims about Arthur. “I live in a f***ing mental house, this is crazy” he says, “I should dress up in a f***ing Tarzan outfit and swing around the f***ing house all day”.

Behold, Dill has arrived. “What’s the matter with his head, has he got lice” Oz asks Jack. We get shots of Dill scratching his head, belching, more scratching, stumbling in a drunken stupor, more scratching, more belching, more scratching, and taking a wiz in the driveway next to one of the cars while the theme from Welcome back Kotter plays in the background. What a mess.

While unpacking, Dill seems to have misplaced his toothbrush. It’s found a little while later, and one of the dogs has turned it into a new chew toy. As he goes to retrieve it, the mutt angrily growls and snaps at him. The animals don’t like him either, but they might want to nest in his hair.

More problems at rehearsal as Sara screws up again. I feel bad for the guys in the band, you can see the frustration in their faces. Bobby pays Sharon another visit, this time at home and basically tells her that Sara still sucks. They go over possible replacements and Sharon takes a liking to one in particular named Alicia, “oh how cute is she” she gushes. “Sara reminds me of Popeye behind the drums” referring to her awful grimace. Kelly confesses that she can’t bring herself to fire Sara, so Sharon volunteers to play the role of executioner.

Alicia is brought in, and what a difference it makes. She can be seen in Kelly’s video for “Shut Up”. Sara is kept around for some reason, and is paid 10 grand for her “contributions”. 10 GRAND! WTF? I think I’m going to be sick.

Back at the house, the dogs are still acting up. Lola attacks Dill’s skateboard, and Arthur attacks Lola from behind. So that explains it. The boys all get a good laugh, and Dill comments “they live a cleaner, healthier life than I’ll ever know”. I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Well, at least he knows, and knowing is half the battle.

It seems that Lola wasn’t good enough for Arthur, so he shifts his attention to Gus, the cat. The male cat. Jack informs everyone that Gus has been “penetrated”, and Sharon adds “look, you can tell that he’s been sexually abused”. They spend a few minutes discussing the possibility of this before Jack blurts out “dog’s wangs don’t get too hard, I don’t think”. Ok, I’m not even going to touch that one. I feel dirty.

Jack, Dill, and some friends sit around discussing politics. This is a bad idea, especially with 3 good looking girls sitting there. Dill rambles on about Iraq, and the women reach for their cell phones, no doubt calling for help. This appears to be a hostage situation. Jack interrupts Dill’s babbling nonsense long enough to state that “America is only going to be around for another 50 years”. This poor kid really has lost his mind. Dill counters by calling him ignorant. That leads to a wrestling match/fight.

I can’t tell if it’s real or not, but I hope they both get hurt. They start off by trying to remove each other’s pants. Already I don’t like where this is going. The fight rolls into the hallway, and Jack exposes Dill’s ass and proceeds to slap it a few times. (***shudder – dryheave***) They both make it to their feet and decide to go shirtless and engage in a girly slapfight as they spill out into the driveway. I am deeply disturbed. And just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, the fight ends and we are treated to a lovely shot of Jack’s “plumbers crack”, and the both of them turning the driveway into their very own version of the piss cave. It just might’ve been real, because the next morning Dill mumbles something as he packs his bag and leaves. Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!

Sharon, Kelly, and assistant Gloria are discussing Arthur’s problem. “His d*** was in his a**” Kelly points out. Sharon chimes in the line of the night “He’s still got that big willie, he needs a night with Anna Nicole”. (***cue the music – bow chicka bow wow***) Now we see clips of Arthur humping the other animals, which sets off a chain reaction. The show comes to a close with some of the other dogs getting in on the fun.

Profanity Count: 55

Poop Count: 1

Next week: The Diva daughter chucks a wobbly

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