The Bachelorette: LAST MAN STANDING one man's quest : journa entry #2
Journal Entry: Group Dates
Entry Number 2
Well, all the stud muffins have moved into the Bachelor Pad, or the Tappa Kegga Day house, as I like to think of it. There was some jostling for roommates. No one wanted to room with Jamie because of the glare from his teeth at night, and it appears the man has a bad case of the nasty gas! I cased out a room not too far from Charlie and Russ to keep an eye on them. They seem to be the front runners in my opinion.
I am not too worried about Bob. He seems to only have the “I’m fat and funny" brain cells rubbing together. So I just let him waddle his way to where ever he wanted to go.
Eventually, the program got going and Chris explained we would be going on group dates with Trista. This is an excellent plan for me as I can maneuver myself on each of the dates and work my way into Trista's life. I plan to operate in disguise until I reveal myself to Trista. I am going as an undercover camera operator. I managed to use a hypnotic type maneuver I learned from some tiny little man I met in a bar. He said his name was Clay, and he had recently used this technique while stranded on an island in Thailand to keep from having to leave. Not sure what that means, as you would think that anyone stranded on a deserted island would want to leave, but I did learn the technique and used it on the original camera operator to get him to hand over his equipment and list of scheduled activities. I am now “Big Dick - Fun Camera Man”.
I started my covert mission on the first date. Off to Vegas! My plan was to see who the front runners in each group were and eliminate them by sabotage. I quickly assessed that Russell aka “Smooth Operator” (read smooth in a mafia way) was the aggressive one of this little man bunch and decided to work on him first. I casually mentioned to him that Trista had said in an interview how much she liked the men who staked her as their "claim," and that if he loosened her up with some drinks she would probably respond well.
My plan worked perfectly! Not only did he loosen her up with alcohol, but he got pretty loose as well. This was too good to be true! I could wait for him to take her off alone and when the liquor kicked in I would take my fair Trista up to the private suite and reveal myself and my true intentions.
As fate would have it, just as the slobbering began Russ managed to stumble to the suite with Trista. Of course as the ever present camera man, I tattled to the remaining guys so they would break up the little tete te tete down stairs. I figured some of the heavy doses of testosterone would kick in and as the guys were settling it I would sneak Trista off for some alone time under the guise of a “diary quip”.
Well, wouldn’t you know it. Rob, the fuzzy headed wombat with no testosterone at all... (I think that is glue on stash. I ‘m not even sure the guy is really over 21. I swear I saw some power rangers in his duffel!) ...well, he snuck Trista off to woo her. Probably cried a little and she felt a little-brother-I-don’t-want-to-hurt-his-feelings kind of attraction, so she humored him with some attention. Obviously, this was not my best laid plan.
Meanwhile, over at the ranch, the drug laced glass had made its way to Jack. He had managed to pass out quickly. It's a shame that the glass was meant for Charlie so he would have a hang over on his date.
The guys did a typical frat rat prank and put Jack on the lawn in his bed. I, of course, had the forethought to set the sprinklers. Again, having been meant for Charlie I figured in his passed out state this would have ruined his precious mane with the “do rag” in place. I have seen this man getting ready and he takes more time on his hair than Trista probably does.
The next morning I was running the camera on the “spa date.” Ok, first Bob naturally will eliminate himself by taking off his shirt. We will see about the others.
When Trista went off with Ryan for a chat, I quickly maneuvered undercover agents I can call at a moment's notice to distract Trista as they played out the scene of three weddings. Every time Trista and Ryan turned a corner, two agents were getting married. Ryan showed how the smoke from all the fires has slowed his brain by not recognizing that seeing three weddings in action is a bit much and gushed about it. Lucky guy he used my ruse to his advantage by making some sappy statement to Trista. Geeze! Can’t a guy get a break!?!
My next turn at ousting a front runner came with Jamie. I quickly did a change with the masseuse and worked on Jamie. I mixed a little itching powder into the oil and rubbed it in quickly. I had to step back several times to stifle my snickers at what was to come - Jamie thrashing about scratching in all the wrong places.
Wouldn’t you just know it... again I was foiled in my plans! A shower of all things! Jamie lumbers off to take a shower with Trista. The itching powder washes off and he comes out with his big ole teeth shining away.
I was getting a little frustrated, but I planned to do my best work for the date to the Football game. I did a little prep work while the other guys slept. The men loaded up in the RV with my sweetie Trista looking especially great in the jersey she wore. As the conversation between she and a particular guy was getting intense, and right in the middle of Charlie’s "I’m a tough man" story, my plan began to work. The tire on the RV blew!
I knew some of the more physically impressive men would jump at the chance to prove to Trista what amazing he men they are and rush to change the tire. Sure enough, Jeff, in one swift move that Superman would have envied, removed his shirt. I looked for a big S on his chest... of course, it wasn’t there. This guy didn’t even use a phone booth for Pete’s sake. He proceeds to come up with a jack from where I don’t know. My plan was that all the men would have to help hold up the RV, leaving Trista to me to video and take my chance to reveal my true identity. But, Jeffman had that flat fixed in Jeff Gordon pit crew time and we are off to the game.
The game was fun and the guys got into being "real" men, of course, and after the game Trista played around on the field. I thought for a moment we were all dismissed when the QB of the Chargers stepped up and did his bit. She was a bit taken with him. I know she is smarter than to go for that kind.
Of course, a few of my smaller moves did succeed. Brooke was out when I kept bringing up his horses to Trista. I did mention to her that where there are horses there are usually cows and dogs and sheep and dander and pets in the house and lots of animal hair and no pharmacy within miles of a ranch. Success!!
Jeff, while a great tire man, did appear a little on the losing side. I mean, he is from San Diego and a pro football player, but when we were at the game, he never left the box to join the sideline. I think Trista caught on to that one pretty quick. Some of the other guys sabotaged themselves. I was a little surprised at Trista keeping the wombat and Bob the slob but then she is a sweet, tender-hearted girl.
I will have to be a little more on my game with Charlie, Jamie and Ryan. I think Russ will show his true colors and oust himself.
Next week I will do some major maneuvers and put myself in the game. I will definitely make the best impression on the ladies coming to visit the guys and help Trista with her decision. In fact, this is just how I want it. Really, I did plan to reveal myself through the other ladies. I won’t be coming on too strong and the other girls will see how I am a total package compared to the other ponies in the paddock.
Right now I think I will wander over to the Bachelorette villa with my trusty camera and see what I can find to video. It’s late and Trista is probably getting ready for bed………
This is Big Dick aka “that camera guy”
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