Couldn’t Find That Bag Fast Enough!

Joe Millionaire
Episode Two – Recap

The premise of the show is simple; 20 ladies are expecting to be participating in a reality TV show, ala The Bachelor, and the target of their affections will be the charming and handsome Joe, who has just inherited $50 Million dollars, and now lives in a fabulous mansion in France. The well-publicized catch is that Joe is not rich at all, and the truth about that minor little fact will not be revealed until Joe has made his final choice, and as noted last week, rumors persist that there is an even bigger twist to be played on all of us viewers at the end of the show.

For reference, pictures and information on the ladies can be found at Fans of Reality TV, The Ladies of Joe Millionaire .

Gosh, Was That the Entire Season Recapped in Two Minutes… AGAIN?

The episode begins in the same manner in which the premier show opened. In fact, after a minute or so, I realize it isn’t just the same manner as last week… it is exactly the same as last week.

So our editors have gone to the save money route and reused several minutes of footage. I am guessing that McDonalds paid for product placement here, as once again we are treated to the consumption of death burgers while wearing a torn flannel shirt. Remember the shirt, because we will see it again shortly…

I begin to wonder if maybe they forgot that there were events they could recap from the previous week, and you know, bring us up to speed…

But no, they did remember to run the recap, and it is a pretty fair review. Nothing new to add here, other than MoJo landed more camera time commenting that Evan is the “full package” as in rich and handsome.

Now, call me crazy, but I think that I would be adding a few more things to my criteria beyond MoJo’s standards… I don’t know, perhaps honesty… integrity… no criminal past… and most importantly, no history of selling Amway… you know, the basics…

But hey, ya gotta start somewhere, and MoJo likes ‘em rich and handsome.

Evan’s quote “I am not a good liar” is included, and some free advice for him: You don’t have to tell us that… we all could come up with a summary of supply side economics theory before your impressive intellect ground out a nickname last week.

The scene then cuts to the now familiar den, and I am relieved to see Paul, the Croc Hunter, sitting in front of his now trademark fire, and drinking yet again… and really, wouldn’t you hit the bottle a little heavy if you were stuck with these people?

Paul is my rock to lean on during this show. As long as he is there, calm, cool, and collected, I know all is well. The Croc Hunter gives us a preview of this week’s festivities and that will include something called “Heidi-gate”.

At this point, I am shocked, for as I pointed out clearly last week, Heidi comes across as a wholesome gal, just trying to make her way through this crazy world of ours… Nary a greedy bone in her body… It would be a great disappointment to learn otherwise…

Pretty Whoa Man!

My worst fears come to fruition. Yes indeed, the producers couldn’t resist the urge, and have decided to subject us to Evan getting dressed in front of Paul, looking for his approval. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry, so I chose to do both.

Remember that torn flannel shirt? Well Evan brought it to France with him, tries to claim that it is representative of the only clothes he owns, and not in fact, a shirt the produces stole from some poor homeless guy on Ventura Blvd.

After parading the shirt across our camera view, Evan asks Paul for help with his clothes. Why is he asking a guy who wears a penguin suit everyday and wrestles alligators on Animal Planet?

What am I thinking? Heck, anyone this side of P-Diddy could probably give Evan better advice on clothing than allowing him to dress himself, and wasn’t the P-man already on-site advising Mary last week?

Ever the fashion guru, Evan wonders if his hair looks poofy in a certain sweater he tried on.

I got news for you Evan… paint your hair green and you could be doing Chia Pet commercials, and the way this is going, that is probably the only follow on offers you are going to get out of this whole fiasco.

Properly dressed… and thank heavens we weren’t subjected to underwear selection, because based on what has been uncovered on that topic recently, we all would do well to avoid going there… Evan is ready to begin his group dates, and what fun will we be having today?

A Good, Wholesome, Breakfast is a Great Way to Start Your Day

The ladies are gathered in a small dining area, and they are all dressed up for a day of upper crust wining and dining.

Paul comes in with the good news…

“Paul is an outdoorsman,” and he recommends that they ladies change into something more appropriate for the outdoors.

Let’s review… Paul is an outdoorsman? Well, yeah, digging ditches is outdoors, so I suppose that isn’t a lie…

Forewarned, the ladies scurry back to their rooms to change into their definitions of what outdoorsy clothes are… and believe me, there are some interesting interpretations…

Dayana, self-proclaimed Princess, immediately dons her Timberland high heeled hiking boots, so she is ready for action.

Not to be out done, Heidi puts on her quick release clothes, because she wants to be ready for action too…

Melissa points out that she really isn’t that outdoorsy herself, and she wonders if that will prove to be a disadvantage for her.

The Whine-ry

Dana, Melissa, Sarah and Brandy pile into the Rolls with Evan, and drive out to the local winery.

We are introduced to Philippe, the local grape guy. I am surprised they didn’t chose to cast that waiter Jean Luc from the old Taster’s Choice commercial… that guy was talented, and was clearly blackballed by those jealous Hollywood types…

The ladies expect to get the standard tour, followed by a pleasant afternoon of chugging the fermented fluids, but NO!

Instead, our intrepid adventurers will be picking grapes, and gosh don’t they look thrilled at the prospect…

Brandy comments that she is shin deep in it. Melissa wastes no time reminding us that she is not an outdoor girl. She says it’s cold, rainy, and she doesn’t want to be there…

Evan, always a good judge of human character, notes that he thinks Melissa had a great time…

Don’t get me wrong though, Evan does have his moments of mental clarity, and the first one this week involved his assessment of Melissa’s hairdo… “She has that Princess Leia look” he says, and I have to laugh, because that is dead on, and frankly that observation is funnier than anything I was going to come up with. I tip my hat to you Evan… but do note that my hair isn’t “poofy”.

Evan continues his observations by saying that he likes Brandy. “She is not high maintenance.”

As for Sarah? Evan feels she is a Martha Stewart gal, and very down to earth. He indicates that she is not really his type, and that he is likely not her type either.

After muttering the Martha Stewart comment out loud, Melissa responds with, “I hate Martha Stewart!”… Ahh Melissa, you are okay in my book…

The ladies finish one row of grapes, and are distressed further to learn that they will be picking ten full rows on this fine rainy afternoon. That Evan… he sure knows how to treat a lady!

Finally we come to Dana, of whom Evan says, “She has a good smile and she is a great girl. You could trust her with your life…”

Say what??? Trust her with your life?

Oh yeah, you’ve danced with her once, and picked a few grapes, so obviously you know she is trustworthy right? Jeez! The only woman there I would trust with my life is Katie. At least she is a doctor, though we never learn what kind of doctor… and to be honest, I still remain troubled by her unusually deep voice… but I digress.

Regarding the outdoors experience, and the perception that a statuesque woman like Dana might not be suited for such work, Dana responds, “Others don’t see past the way I look.”

Sometime during that morning, this date ends with the sharing of a fine chardonnay in the field. We aren’t really shown a clear winner from this group, though Evan seems quite taken by Melissa.

Come On Ride the Train… Choo Choo Train…

Date number two involves Katie, MoJo, Amanda and Mandy.

On the way, we catch up with Katie who notes that she was shocked that Evan picked her to continue on, but she is happy. MoJo was off camera for a few minutes, so she fights her way back on screen saying that she is really looking forward to spending more time with Evan.

The ladies are driven to a local train station… ahh, how romantic, a train ride through the countryside. Now we are getting down to business… but NO!

Grab a shovel ladies! You are going to load the coal that will drive the locomotive. Nervous laughter follows that announcement, for surely Evan must be joking right?


Sorry, it is true.

To her credit, Mandy steps right up, digs into to pick up a huge pile of coal, and spins to toss it into the burner… and misses… That’s okay Mandy, everyone who participates gets a trophy, and that poor conductor didn’t need those ankles anyhow.

MoJo is drenched with sweat as she takes her turn, though I am guessing she brought along a spray bottle for just such a scene.

I think this has to be a pretty tough challenge for the uninitiated, for that furnace is damn hot, and you are right there next to it… not to mention the smoke and smell.

The engine suitably fueled, the ladies join Evan in a private car to enjoy some wine and good conversation…

…well, at least it was good if your name was MoJo, who begins by telling us that a friend advised her to bump off her competition via whatever means were available (or words to that effect… my memory is a little fuzzy here…).

MoJo’s clumsy attempts to coax Mandy into the flames didn’t work, and Amanda was far too elusive to fall off the train when ‘accidentally’ shoved…

So desperate times called for desperate measures, and MoJo opted instead to prevent anyone else from talking to Evan for the remainder of the day.

Evan asked a simple question, and MoJo launched into what seemed to be a 30 minute explanation of her resume to date…

Evan asks if they are enjoying the train ride…

MoJo jumps in with information related to her double major.

Evan attempts to engage the other women in conversation…

MoJo assures us that there is nothing for her in Indiana, and she would be willing to immediately relocate.

Evan comments on the beauty of the scenery…

MoJo lets us know that her grandmother is really cool.

Evan tries to make eye contact with the other three ladies…

Tentacles extend out of MoJo’s eye sockets, attach themselves to Evan’s head, and begin to try to suck his brain out… sadly; this will be one anorexic brain sucking experience…

The setup on the train is very amusing. On one side of a table sit Mojo and Evan, while on the other, sit three very bored women, who wonder if they will get a word in edgewise anytime soon.

But rather than fight it, they meekly give in to the power of MoJo.

That doesn’t prevent us from hearing their passive-aggressive complaints after the date though, and Katie starts us off by saying that MoJo clearly dominated the conversation.

Amanda digs a little deeper when she comments that she is worried that if she doesn’t get to spend time with him, Evan will not see “how cool I am”. I got news for you Amanda… you will need to pop two more buttons on that coat before Evan is going to see how cool you are.

I also wonder if this is the same Amanda who started the program… maybe it was the soot and all, but she looked a lot different to me this week.

I suppose Mandy summed it up best… “Well, we learned a lot about MoJo…”

Once again, it is difficult to determine who came out best in this round, and while I am hoping that Evan saw through MoJo’s tactics, I have my doubts.

Back in the Saddle Again

During the commercial break leading to the third date, FOX ran an ad for their next exploitation series, Man vs. Beast, and shortly thereafter, we are treated to Evan returning to the stables where he was so humiliated last week.

Being the twisted individual I am, I began to wonder immediately if that was a subtle joke inserted by the programming folks… but then I remember, this is FOX, not HBO… FOX’s approach here would be Evan vs. Bessie the Horse… who can change their shoes first?

I’d have to lean toward Bessie in that wager…

Zora, Alison, Dayana and Heidi make up the group that joins Evan at the stables. They expect to be going riding, enjoying the scenery, and getting to know Evan, but NO!

Evan lets us know that he has worked hard all of his life for what he has… gee, there is a ground breaking thought.

Based upon what we have been shown on the show, I gotta believe your resume involves a lot of time spent in the food services and sanitation industry, because really, you don’t have anything Evan… worked hard for or not… but then again, there is that rumored twist at the end…

The ladies go to work, this time mucking out stables.

Evan is watching Heidi closely, and he lets us know that he really is trying to figure out what she wants, and clearly he has his suspicions that she may be after his wealth… I mean, who knows how much that favorite flannel shirt will draw on eBay when they auction it... It could sell for tens of dollars, and with that kind of money you could super size your fries and get the two for one deal on apple pies!

The stables do smell pretty bad, and I am guessing that the ladies who did the grape picking are probably pretty happy with their lot in life right about now. Regarding the smell, Evan the Philosopher says that the smell is bad, but that he too smells pretty bad at the end of the day…

I am not a doctor, and yes, some people do smell when they sweat, but frankly Evan, if you come home smelling like horse droppings in a stable at the end of the day, it probably means that you have some serious issues to deal with, and perhaps a package of Depends would be a good investment some time in the near future.

Evan comments on the ladies as they work. He likes the way Zora handles herself, and I give her credit, for she really seemed to be enjoying the time, and she definitely strikes me as a potential favorite here.

Alison is getting a little aggressive with the pitchfork… a little bit of red head anger there I think…

Finally they have the stalls spic and span, and they are ready for their reward, a casual horseback ride through the countryside. Evan, using his finely honed horse sense, complains that this trip involved some really run down horses.

Gosh, Evan, I don’t doubt that the word has gotten around the stables about you, and these are probably the only volunteers who would step up… or perhaps the producers learned their lesson last week, and didn’t want you to suffer any further head trauma.

Down the dusty trail they ride…

Dayana is having a difficult time keeping her horse on the path… Evan notes that her heels, which seem to be in the category of a CFM pump (and if you don’t know what that means, you probably don’t want to know), are not the best choice for this ride, and in fact look like lethal weapons attached to her feet.

While attending to Dayana’s concerns, a new emergency crops up with Heidi…

Her horse made the foolish mistake of taking a moment, while they were stopped, to lean down and grab a quick snack. A perfectly normal response for a horse bored to death with the company they have.

But to Heidi, it meant that her horse had careened dangerously out of control, and was now a hazard to the general populace. She begins to cry…

Heidi confesses, “I have a fear of getting on something I can’t control…”

Really? So as long as the brass pole is securely mounted to both the floor and ceiling, you would be okay with that?

Alison immediately assumes that Heidi is trying to pull a scam, and I think she may well have a point.

Zora, always the supportive earth muffin that she is, comments that Evan handled the situation really well.

Yes Zora, between Dayana’s heels and Heidi’s renegade horse, we had a real dicey situation here, and thank God that Evan was on hand, being the equestrian expert that he is, to keep things under control.

We note that while this is going on, Alison has decided to take the lead and continue down the path. Will this hurt her chances of moving on? We can’t tell, but Evan does say that he likes her leadership qualities.

Heidi finally gives into her fears, and gets off the horse. This is a poor strategic decision if it was indeed a scam, for rather than following suit; it appears that the group simply continued the ride without her.

Zora received most of Evan’s compliments during this date, but it remained to be seen if those compliments would translate into jewelry.

Heidi Ho

Later that evening, Alison and Dana are spending some quality time together dishing the dirt, and slamming on MoJo and Heidi.

I am really becoming disappointed because I honestly thought that when beautiful women got together in private that they always stripped down to lingerie and had pillow fights… but that illusion is quickly getting ruined, for it seems all these ladies do is scheme and gossip.

Paul enters the room where all of the ladies have gathered, and he is the bearer of bad news. It seems that seven women will get the boot tomorrow, and that news is received with great concern by the eligible bachelorettes.

MoJo displays her impressive grasp of higher-level math functions, when she notes, “Wow, going from 12 to 5, that’s a lot!” Yes MoJo, that is even more than half if you stop and think about it…

Katie felt that the number would be more like four, so she is worried.

Right about now though, Heidi decides to let some of the women know that she has a boyfriend back home… some guy she knows from her gym.

I try to imagine what it would be like to be running the treadmill, and seeing your supposed girlfriend on TV in this show… hmmm… maybe that trip she took to France last fall wasn’t what she said it was…

Given the high number of cuts to come in the morning, and the general stress of the situation, tempers begin to flair.

Katie notes that Heidi’s boyfriend “is unfair.”

Melissa sets aside her cutesy demeanor for a moment and blurts out, “selfish little brat!”

Heidi attempts to defend herself, responding that while she does have a boyfriend, she felt like she had to make this trip.

Paul says that clearly the competition has started as evidenced by the open arguing, and in what would have been best line of the night, had he not topped it later, he says:

“Heidi seems to be here for the money, and God help the boyfriend.”

Mandy says that she passed up several dates before heading out on this trip, because she wanted to be truly available. Sorry Mandy, that is several months of your life you will never get back, and I sincerely hope that none of those dates had potential.

Heidi doesn’t care though, and counters with that tried and true playground comeback, “Whatever!”

Then provides further deep insight to her feelings by saying, “So I leave here with a few enemies…”

Alison is not going to let go of the topic though, and counters that “this show was meant to involve single, genuine, and honest people, but you (Heidi) are here instead!”

Ahhh… the sweet smell of irony…

Heidi decides to end the discussion once and for all. She takes a menacing pose and says that if anyone else has a problem with it, then they need to speak up now. Much like the power of MoJo, it seems that the power of Heidi Ho is potent indeed, for no lady rises to the challenge.

And The ‘Winners’ Are…

It is the next morning at that chateau, and Evan is discussing his picks with Paul. My suspicion meter immediately pegs high, because I have thought all along that the producers might be using Paul to help Evan pick the most TV friendly personalities to continue on in the show. In this case that would clearly mean smooth sailing for Heidi.

Paul grunts his approval for three of Evan’s five choices, and notes that he really thinks Evan did a good job.

Meanwhile, the ladies are still dishing the dirt…

Melissa predicts that Brandy and Sarah are shoo-ins for the next round.

Everyone thinks he will pick Dana, but Melissa breaks from the group here and notes, “I don’t know about Dana,” a comment met with disbelief… Dana is the insider’s odds on favorite.

They gather in the salon, and much like last week, I am startled by the arrival of Alex, the “host”. Here we are 50 minutes into the show, and she finally gets on camera to mumble two sentences about how Evan will be inviting five of you to continue on this fairy tale…etc. etc.

It has to be embarrassing for her to see how she was cut out, and worse, she probably ought to have reconsidered that Kirstie Alley going-to-Pier-One-muumuu she was wearing.

Alex, I’ll bet your regret misplacing that invitation for Celebrity Mole right about now eh?

Paul rolls in, and brings five beautiful sapphire pendant necklaces with him. Meanwhile Evan arrives via the other entrance, and the ceremonies begin with his now familiar motivational speech about how he has tough decisions… he can’t sleep… you are all great girls… I hate myself for being a lying piece of sh%t… well, all expect for maybe that last part…

The tension is high as the picks begin…

Zora – Evan says there is nothing he doesn’t like about her. She is a good person who doesn’t complain.

Alison – “She is smart and sophisticated. She isn’t into the money… or me,” which makes this an interesting choice indeed. Evan clarifies further, “I like a challenge.”

Melissa – No surprises here, as Melissa is rumored to be a contestant who goes far, and obviously he likes her when he says, “She is witty and spunky, we had a blast!” This is the scene where Melissa gives the now famous wink that we saw on previews all summer.

Clearly Heidi is getting worried now, for there are only two spots left, and she expected her name to be called. She doesn’t seem to deal with adversity well, and is really showing her true colors when she practically rips the necklace off of one girl’s neck to inspect it.

Sarah – Evan notes that she is more uptight around him than the other women are, but “she is hot!” he exclaims. I agree with you Evan… Sarah looks so much better than that horrendous photo of her from the publicity department.

Now Heidi is in open panic, and even MoJo looks worried. If Evan’s final choice is made on the hot-ness factor, then I think Dana would be logical, but no…

MoJo – Whew… she quickly converts from a “I’m going to kill you stare” to the patented, “gosh, you picked me? How lucky am I?” look that has served her well. Of MoJo, Evan says, “She has good qualities. Nice, sweet, and attractive. I’m want to give her a shot.”

Well gee Evan, didn’t you give her a shot last week too?

I am beginning to think that the three women Evan is most interested in, and the three that got Paul’s approval were, Zora, Alison and Melissa. Clearly he just likes looking at Sarah, and that means that MoJo is probably the one who he thinks he can nail while they are in Paris…

Further, my whole theory on this show is now shot. If it all was a scam, then I can’t see how they let Heidi get away… hmmm… oh well, there is time to ponder those thoughts on the discussion boards, now is the time to deal with the aftermath of the latest selections…

Language Lessons

Heidi has taken the news of her demise hard. She is further pushed into depression when she learns that all the ladies will pack to leave the chateau tonight, and that those who are continuing on, will spend the next four days in Paris with Evan.

Amanda doesn’t seem surprised to be going herself, but she is shocked that Dana was not picked. We cut to a scene where Dana is packing, and she says that she is probably too nice… and while I wanted to make a joke out of that comment, I suppose I would have to agree with it.

Evan says of Dana that she is everyman’s dream, but that “She was too passive”, and he needs someone stronger than that. I believe that is what he sees in Alison.

Apparently though, you can trust your life to Dana, but that isn’t good enough criteria for Evan to want to date her…

It doesn’t take long for us to get back to Heidi. She says that she is surprised by Evan’s picks, and faults him for being so “random” in his selection of the women… Yeah, that’s it Heidi… he closed his eyes and threw darts to make his choices, and that explains how he could make the crazy decision to cut loose a keeper like you…

Now we see Heidi sitting on the floor, pouting. Apparently Paul is looking for her luggage.

Paul cuts in and lets the audience know that he is glad Evan didn’t chose her. He felt that clearly she wasn’t there for the right reason.

Paul shows Heidi a bag, and in French, she answers that it is not the correct one. Now, I don’t know why Heidi is using French here, or why she thinks that an English butler would be impressed by it, but hey she is…

Paul does finally score the line of the night when he says, “It’s too bad Heidi can’t stay longer, maybe her French would improve… couldn’t find that bag fast enough!”

Meanwhile Heidi is butchering the language, and the editors are there to help with subtitles…

In a cross between a young Anthony Edwards discussing his large pencil in Gotcha and what RainMan would sound like if he spoke French, Heidi says:

“I no have happy”

“You no find bread baggage”

Hmmm… words to live by there my friends… words to live by…

We are treated to a full on cleavage shot of Heidi as she bends over to get her bags, and that seems to be a fitting exit for her.

Dr. Freud I Presume?

We cut to MoJo in a confessional… and confessing she is…

Evan “worked hard, he is a great guy, and now fortune has come his way. I hope he gives me a chance to GET IT…”

She quickly corrects herself, by saying “GET to know him.”

But the slip is out my dear, and perhaps the producers knew what they were doing when they watched Heidi walk away.

The scene ends with the women and Evan loading up the truck and moving to Beverly… oh wait, make that Paris. Plus, apparently the drinking and driving laws are a little more relaxed over in France for it is pretty clear that they intend to bring along everything but a keg for the drive.

Next Week

The five remaining women travel to Paris for one on one dates with Evan…

Evan uses his tongue to perform tonsil checks on all the ladies…

And… The butler tracks a wild croc in the old sewers of Paris!

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