What do you get when you put six pseudo celebrities together in a huge liquor stocked mansion for ten days? Well, you get Dr. Feelgood telling you that you can’t touch this as you dream a little dream about a playboy bunny in Beverly Hills. Of course, every good dream has a laughing midget, right? (sorry Webster). Or it could be the new WB reality show, The Surreal Life.

Oh wait… someone is missing. There are seven pseudo celebrities on this show. What’s that girl’s name? You know, the uberbiatch from Survivor? Jerri something or other, I believe. But what does it matter. She obviously doesn’t count anyway.

Just when you think you’ve seen it all, The Surreal Life hits the tube bringing together self proclaimed "celebrity" Corey Feldman, worn out rock star, Vince Neal, the ever amused, cackling Emmanuel Lewis, Mama Gabrielle Carteris, Playboy Bunny, Brande Roderick and Pastor MC Hammer. Oh yeah, and Jerri Manthey of Survivor fame.

The group of celebs are living together in an Andy Warhol décor filled $7 million mansion for 10 days and nights. Seven people sharing 3 rooms and obviously not enough bathrooms, which is evidenced when Hammer needs to relieve himself and has to take to the trees. The three women are rooming together, sharing one closet that was singlehandedly filled by PlayboyBrande’s overwhelming amount of luggage. Vince and Corey paired off early on, leaving Hammer and laughing Webster to bunk together. Hammer got the top bunk as Webster couldn’t reach the bottom rung of the ladder.

There are no cell phones, no internet access, no cars, no personal assistants, no guests and no privacy. However, Corey has brought a stash of girlie mags for all to enjoy! The group has to learn to share, shop, do household chores and make their own meals. Sharing shouldn't be a problem as Vince and Corey discover that they've already "shared" Corey's ex-wife.

When the six celebs figure out that a fully stocked fridge filled with Miller Lite isn’t going to be enough to sustain them, they break open the envelope providing them with $500 grocery money. But wait! Before they can leave for the store, Corey must call Suzy, his fiance’. He promised he would. (In the background we can hear the laughing Webster.) Call over, the Surreal Life taxi arrives within five minutes to take them to the grocery store. First journey, no survivor. And she’s not missed.

Have you ever seen kids in a candy store? Neither have I, though I hear that all the time. Well, this was quite similar to what I would imagine that to be like. All of the celebs split up and start filling baskets. Except for Vince. Though the house is filled with beer and a fully stocked bar, he heads for the wine racks, grabbing one bottle of red and a corkscrew. Priorities are important.

All the while, other shoppers have stopped in their tracks, whipped out their cell phones and have phoned friends and family members to tell of the celebrities in their midst. Know this. If one of my friends ever calls me from the Piggly Wiggly to tell me that she sees Webster laughing and reaching unsuccessfully for a box of Total on the bottom shelf, well, I’m hanging up. Can you hear me? How about now?

Once the group reaches the checkout, they realize that they have far exceeded their spending limit. Out of the basket they throw the nonessentials like toilet paper, condoms and a beer bottle opener (they’ve heard that Jerri from Survivor has wicked sharp teeth and can bite open the bottles when needed). Left in the basket are Corey’s essential, moralistic vegetarian dishes, a bottle of red wine with corkscrew and a box of Total. Good to go.

Back home, the crew decides to prepare dinner. Before Corey can help prepare dinner, he must call Suzy. He promised he would. Call over, dinner preparations begin. Corey starts in on how he’s not able to eat meat. Gaby says that she has some friends who are vegetarian. They don’t eat meat because it’s unhealthy for their bodies. First fight. Corey says that’s a bullsh*t reason to be vegetarian. It should be a moralistic decision. Gaby points at his shoes and says, “Are those leather?” The shoes are indeed leather, but the conversation is over as Corey must call Suzy. He promised he would. Webster laughs and laughs and laughs.

Dinner is done. Let the drinking and badmouthing begin. That missing survivor still hasn’t shown, giving the real celebs further opportunity to try to figure out who she is and why she’s coming. Corey and Brande seem especially peeved at her ensuing presence, though ironically, I’ve never even heard of Brande nor have I seen an episode of Baywatch: Hawaii. At least I’ve watched Survivor.

Actually, Jerri has shown. She has been knocking on the door of the mansion for about 27 minutes with no reply. She’s bearing her teeth claiming that if these pseudo celebs ignore her she will soon gnaw through the door. This is her extra 15 minutes and no one is going to stop her from having them! Brande is upset that her favorite celebrity of all time, Robin Givens, won’t be joining them and was replaced by this celeb wannabe.

Oh wait… is that a knock? Brande answers the door and welcomes Jerri with open arms. Jerri puts her teeth away.

Immediately, Corey begins throwing verbal punches at Jerri. You can see a glint of tooth as Jerri begins to eye her prey. After awhile, everyone goes to bed. Except Corey who must call Suzy. He promised he would.

The next day, all six of the celebs and Jerri wake up to find a bunch of brownies in the kitchen and decide to go door to door to meet their neighbors. Vince asks “What. Should we just go up to the door and say, ‘Here’s some f**king brownies?’” Webster laughs! Gaby says no. Corey exclaims that he needs to make a phone call. He promised he would! Not surprisingly, the neighbors are underwhelmed to see a glam rock star and former addict among a bunch of other unrecognizables as well as a midget knocking on their door claiming to be the new neighbors.

Back at the pad, the group dresses for dinner. On their way out, they find that dinner has been served. It’s Naked Sushi night! Vince and the three women sit down and start scarfing the raw tuna and wasabi, while Hammer and Webster head back into the house. It’s obvious that this isn’t the first time Vince had sushi served in this manner. He's quite comfortable with the fish.

Hammer and Webster aren’t comfortable with the exploitation of this sushi-clad woman. Corey follows a couple of minutes later, wiping the drool from his chin, stating that he can neither eat sushi nor have sex with the naked sushi woman without Suzy present. Well, the leather shoe clad pseudo star couldn’t eat sushi anyway, for moral reasons. Besides, he needs to call Suzy. He promised he would.

On this particular phone call, however, Corey has a revelation as to how to make himself the STAR of the show and asks Suzy if she wants to get married on television! She seems less than thrilled, but the wuss gets his way and the wedding date is set!

Stay tuned for more antics of the celebs when Vince will continue to sit and do nothing, as he has already been there and done that, Brande will wear more bikinis, Jerri will bear her fangs and the big wedding of the whipped pseudo celeb and his bisexual bride will take place.

Only on The Surreal Life!

=====================
To contact the author, please send email to sher@fansofrealitytv.com