Episode one


And can you feel the love tonight? I certainly could! One beautiful mansion filled with candles, 25 men and Trista, one beautiful bachelorette. We either have the makings for a great romance or a great porn. Trista didn’t disappoint, unless you were hoping for the porn. She was still the sweet, charming, funny girl that we met from the first bachelor.

Oh theres that Bow-Chicka-Bow soundtrack again, There is No Porn here – be off with you…The first thing of note is that SHE has to propose at the end (or not). I really wonder how the man ego’s will take that .Of course these guys did come on the show. Some of them supposedly came on because they were part of the 1000’s of outraged males that wanted to meet Trista after B1. We had heard they had a little trouble casting the guys, but whatever…

After a brief glance into Trista’s life and career, the show begins with Trista and host, Chris Harrison, being reunited. They take a tour of the bachelorette pad which is to be Trista’s home away from home and you can tell she’s really in love with the place. (Here’s hoping that she looks at one of the bachelors the way she’s looking at this house!) Trista and HostChris reminisce about The Bachelor I and Trista’s rejection by Alex. She admitted to having had her heart broken by him, but claimed that she had plenty of time for it to heal (I’m sure upon realizing that he was gay it was much easier for her) and that she was ready to move on and meet the man of her dreams.

Ok this was probably the worst part for me, to actually have to look at Alex again. For the MILLIONTH time , what were they thinking?

Trista looked great getting out of the limo. It was fitting as the last time we saw her she was crying her eyes out in one. Revenge is sweet.
The only thing I want to say about the mansion is – good thing there are 3 firefighters in the group- there are about 10,000 candles burning and long draperies. Very nice digs, and Trista did seem to like it. She suppressed the urge very nicely to pull her arm back and do the old YESSSSSSSS!( like I would have)


…. So let’s meet them!finally

The first man out of the limo was Jamie. Jamie was tall. Jamie was very blonde. Jamie’s teeth were blindingly white. Really. Blindingly. Like a solar eclipse. But Trista seemed to like him and he did claim to have given up a great job to be with her on the show. I had my doubts about his guy before the show, who the heck plays basketball in Sweden? It’s about as popular there as say - Cricket is here. He was very good looking,so points there anyway.

The second guy was Rob. He was very soft spoken, seemingly sincere and had very messed up hair. Bad, bad hair.Oh he had that Will the Gap guy thing going on. Very nice, um he looked good mussed up
Next were Chris and Jack. That’s all I really have to say about that. Chris owned his own business – Auto parts and Jack told her she was beautiful and that he was looking for love.neither one made an impression on me either. But then came BrianS. A Texas boy. He was very tall, very blonde and very cute. Ohhhhh Yeah, that was my impression

Eric steps out of his limo and I thought to myself, “Yummmmmmmmmm.” I don’t believe Trista had the same reaction as I did. Interesting, my impression was- nope zero on the old hunkometer. I’ll have to get that thing looked at

GregT was next. GregT was hot and sweet. Hot. And. Sweet. In his interview, he claimed to want the wife, the dog, the 3.2 kids, the picket fence. Sounds like he’s of the same mindset as Trista.I I recall not liking Greg T on paper- we’ll see . Good first impression

Matt. 42. Uh…no. Ditto

Ryan was next. I’m pretty sure this guy was Josh Hartnett’s long lost brother. In his interview he said, “Ravishing.” I dismissed him at that point. NEXT! Hey, Trista sure lit up. To be fair if some guy called me Ravishing I’d be suspect too , even though I so am

Brook stepped out of the limo with that southern accent and that awful hair… must move on to… Wait a minute, give the cowboy his due . I have to admit I’m much more a sucker for that accent than Sher is Peter who didn’t even pause to talk to Trista. I swear he shook her hand on the run as he made his way into the house. He was such a flash that I don’t even remember what he looked like. I’m yelling after him hey wait ! You were one of my paper picks . Can you say scared to death ? Poor guy 0.1 second of face time.

But I do remember BrianH. He had a Harrison Ford quality to him. Oh, if he would just get rid of the bleached tipped hair. Good form Brian.Tell Trista that YOU would have picked HER. Implant that into her brain – good going! On to… Russell. As if you weren’t cute enough, you handed her a gift in a Tiffany’s box. WINNER! Ding! Ding! Ding!!! I was so stunned by the gift I had to wait until she opened it to get the name – very shrewd – You should have tried out for Survivor buddy. Colby Donaldson (it never hurts to bring a gift)Award for you.

I don’t want to linger on Paul too long as I am frightened by the length of his hair and his overall appearance.I would have thought a Hawaiian beach guy would have made more of an impression on me . It didn’t. Sorry you fell off the surfboard on this one Paul . Too Bad. But next was BrianK who compared Trista to a car and said she was a “real American badass.” You may go, breast implant guy. I’m wondering how you could possibly be a more superficial a person. Breast Implants, Sports Car, No minivans- (Yes I did take that personally)

Then we met Bob who I loved from the moment I saw him. I began to hum “One of these things is not like the others…” to myself. He was so nervous meeting Trista. It was sweet. One of these things … You kill me Sher . I had the how in the world did he make it through casting impression myself. Humor is important , but not the Beavis and Butthead kind. Don’t pull this guys finger – ever

I instantly was put off by Billy. He winked at her. WINKED. How trite. Billy was a very happy guy. TOO happy Move along to Duane, who was cute enough. I lost interest in guys with one earring when I was about 18 years old though. Has that long rap sheet of misdemeanors look about him

Then there was GreggH. He had really big eyes, was way too serious and was ready to be in love. Stalker alert!! really quiet too. Lock up the bunnies BrianC had a big smile. From Dallas Sher. Isn’t EVERYthing bigger in Texas ? Jeff was cute, but I kept picturing him saying “dude” a lot. claims to be a ‘pro’ football player. um check those rosters and see if you can find him anywhere in a pro league.Don’t talk the talk hon unless you can back it up. He was cute . Ok I can be superficial too, but he's a good candidate for being the next exposed on the smoking gun.
Josh and Mike were next. I have nothing more to say about that.
Well I have of course.Josh was another winker and Darren Stevens lookalike, as someone on our site has already pointed out. Then there was that forehead. Mike seemed well spoken and classy , but this was the politics are my hobby guy, so we’ll just call him Senator Mike
Wayne. Wayne talked about long, soft French kisses before he even met Trista. Kinda creepy. You have to watch those Wayne guys like a hawk . French Kisses in the Hot Sun- Here comes that Porn Bow-chicka- bow soundtrack again.

But oh did they save the best for last… Charlie.

He had a great voice and was very good looking. He stole her heart before he even said a word. Mine, too. One thing comes to mind , Fire the photographer who took the pics on the ABC website. Charlie was so much better looking than that pic. Unbelievable . Yum . He’s Funny . The good thing is I’m the last one. Ha ha . He might just be …

They flash to all of the guys in the house. The party was in full swing. There was lots of chewing with mouths wide open, clanging of beer bottles and high fives. I’m pretty sure these guys wouldn’t have missed Trista had she decided to go to bed early. They seemed to really be enjoying themselves. Male bonding at its finest! But Trista did join them and had her opportunity to get to know the guys a bit better. For the next 2 hours, she would be the center of attention… the only girl with 25 guys. I’m telling you, GREAT porn. But it didn’t come to that. For a PG website there’s lots of porn talk here. But If she had had called her mom and said I’m going to a strange place to party with 25 guys with cameras rolling – well you get the picture – at least you can at the video store under the counter.

Instead she flitted from guy to guy. She found Swedish Bball player, Jamie, to be attractive.Again- Swedish basketball ? Russell, the Tiffany’s guy, claimed to Trista that Alex had been a moron. (By the way, the gift was a charm bracelet, which she put on.) Note if the bracelet wasn’t a cheap knockoff then it was $145. Trying very hard this one… Bob is in the background. I heard him say “Holmes.” He’s definitely going to be the clown of the group. He was bagging on Russell for bringing the gift! Bob told Russell that if he was giving out gifts that Bob would be his girl! Um yeah right Bob , it was at this moment I expected the lampshade to go on his head

On to Brook, the lonesome cowboy, who claimed that there was no need to give gifts or for material goods… he wants to be number 1. Ooooooookay. As if Brook weren’t bad enough, we see Ryan give Trista a poem he had written for her. His man card was just revoked. Brook is also entertaining the guys with those rough tough- the bull trampled my head rodeo stories. I expected him to pull up his shirt and start showing scars. As for Ryan , he’s a fireman and they are some tough dudes. Post 9/11 I’ll never look at them the same ever. A poetic fireman from Fort Collins CO – does it get any better than this? Give him a break Yumalicious blue eyes. Then she chatted with Josh about her demands for a boy and girl family. That’s right lay down the law early. At least she didn’t have his sperm count checked like in Meet The Folks. Eric thought she was from St Louis and so was she , so he had the inside track- um no. Brian K then did his breast implant talk which creeped me out because he spoke of feeling the merchandise or something . Ewww. Greg T can sing and he’s been to Nashville ! What if Trista is a Ozzy fan Greg ?

Pan back to Bob who is in full party mode and pulls out the dance steps! Oh yeah, Bob! You go, Bob! It’s your birthday! It’s your birthday! Bob is dancing, doing the running man! You can’t help but love Bob!See I told you this was a lampshade guy, I dated one once . I would always get the - Oh his poor girlfriend sympathy looks shot my way. Run don’t walk away from this one. You can maybe hire him to entertain at your reception
We see GreggH sitting on the couch…. He’s this season’s psycho. He’s the perfect match for former bunny boiler, IdahoChristy. He’s so serious. *shivers* He definately had the Freddy Kruger vibe no doubt about that. There's one in every crowd, at least of the carefully casted kind

Well, all good things must come to an end. Trista knew she couldn’t keep all of them, but now she must decide which 10 she is going to cut. She told HostChris that she felt an immediate attraction to Charlie (duh), Russell, Ryan and Jamie. She claims that her attraction to Russell has nothing to do with the gift. He’s cute. I believe her.
HostChris –I like that - like a robot .. I think she was kind of embarrassed by the gift, but gave Russ a chance anyway. She said Bob made her laugh . He’s no Jim Carrey . The Bachelor shrine is now the Bachelorette shrine . Somehow its better. This night was more than she dreamed it would be . Well you did live out the other side , so It might have been at that

She picks her final fifteen by offering them rose boutonnieres: Russell, GregT, Ryan, BrianC (who stood unnervingly close to her), Brook, Michael, BrianS, Jack, Charlie (duh), Josh, BrianH, Jamie, Rob, Jeff and with resounding laughter, Bob, who said, “Glad you didn’t make me wait.” RobotChris gave the same speech about not having to accept Yada yada. There is no way in hell that any of those guys are going to bolt like those girls did in Bachelor 2 , they just wouldn’t.At first when she was calling names they said thank you and of course. Getting near the end it was way more desperate like -Oh god thank you thank you. I really expected them to kiss her feet – sad really sad . the girls were way more dignified at rejection.

You know, it was funny. When I watched The Bachelor 1 and 2, I never really felt badly for the women that weren’t given roses. In fact, I often found myself yelling “Ha! You got what you deserved!” at the rejected women. But I didn’t do that with The Bachelorette. I genuinely felt sorry for the guys that Trista didn’t pick. So did she. Trista had to turn away from the men as they were saying their final goodbyes. She told HostChris that it “hurt her heart to think she could be making someone else sad.” I understand. Any guy she picks will be lucky. I sometimes felt bad, but mostly no, sometimes I even cheered. The guys were way more upset than I expected. Where did these guys come from ? Most guys I know would have high fived the others and gone for a beer. Talk about revoking their man card. I think it was ego – hey weren’t you the guy that got dumped on TV? Peter can give me a call anytime – oh yeah I don’t think the hubby would appreciate that .
Until next week your FORT reality love specialists Shersidhe and Enygma
Sher lives in Texas and is happily single. Eny lives in Ontario Canada and drives a minivan full of kids and the dog, so of course she is married.

(Okay pick yourself off the floor you guys, we have to sound important …) If you have any good dirt on the contestants let us know, or if you want to bribe us or something - enygma@fansofrealitytv.com