The Osbournes - Season 2, Episode 5

Wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker…
The main theme of this weeks episode is excessive drinking, but it’s not who you might think it is. It seems that Jack and Kelly have been partying a bit too much lately.

The show kicks off with the Diva daughter boasting about a recent bender in which she was drinking until 7:45 AM. Damn, that’s impressive for a young’un. She goes on to tell a story about handing a cab driver $20 in a drunken stupor, and the cabbie asking her if he could **** her ass. I couldn’t really make out what she said. She bolts from the cab, and her and a friend duck into the first bar they find. She finishes the story by telling everyone that she woke up the next day in some random person’s apartment. I guess she’s taking after her dad. Sharon comments “your life has been so eventful, I haven’t even taken a sh*t in 48 hours”. Hmmm, may I suggest some fiber?

Ozzy, being the diplomat that he is, is taking on the role of peacemaker in an attempt to get Sharon and her father on speaking terms again. He tells us that they didn’t speak for almost 20 years, and has convinced her to “pick up the f***ing phone and call him”. Oz now wishes that he hadn’t done that, because Sharon and her dad are always on the f***ing phone.

Apparently they patched things up, and her dad is coming for a visit. He arrives at the house, and after all of the hugs and pleasantries are handed out, they all sit down to catch up. We get some insight into the family fallout-
Sharon’s Dad: She had some words for me which were…um…
Sharon: “You motherf***ing piece of sh*t” were the first bunch
Sharon’s Dad: Yeah, that was it. Now what was the other one
Sharon: The kids thought it was Tony Curtis and said to me “Mummy, why is Tony Curtis calling you a whore”?
I can see how that might cause a problem.

As Oz applies eardrops to his father in law, he asks if he would like a burrito. I’m amazed that any of this stuff got anywhere near his ears, as Ozzy’s hands shake like they’ve been hit by an earthquake. It appears that burritos are now Ozzy’s latest addiction. Oz walks through the kitchen to ask the kids if they’d like one, Jack first says yes but changes his mind. “Well f*** off then”, Oz says as he shuffles through the kitchen and heads off with one of the many assistants to begin his burrito quest. They discuss their plan of attack as they head to Ozzy’s “fa-fa-favorite burrito place”. Once inside, Oz watches intently at the counter with his head resting in his hands as the burrito maker works his magic.

We’re all in for a treat as Special Guest Star Mandy Moore and a friend stop by the house to hang out with Jack and adopted son Rob. Jack, being the ladies man that he is, is sporting a headband just like the ones in those cheesy 80’s workout videos. I’d love to know what he’s thinking. Mandy looks really good, what the hell is she doing there? But, it doesn’t appear to be a hostage situation because Mandy looks like she’s actually having a good time. We see her talking, laughing, and looking like she’s genuinely interested in what Jack has to say, despite his fruity appearance. As he walks her to the door, she tells him to call her tomorrow, and he agrees. Wow, go get ‘em Jack.

A little later on, a drunken Kelly and adopted son Rob stumble through the house making a bunch of noise. After much falling, and much more screeching, he gets her upstairs. But, not before we are treated to a shot of Ozzy wandering around in his underwear trying to see what the commotion is about. Thanks MTV, we needed that.

We get a short clip of Oz in the weight room working out on an elliptical machine, while singing along to a Tina Turner video. “What’s love got to do, got to do with it” he sings while wearing his own cheesy 80’s headband. Maybe he’ll cover that song on his next album.

Sharon and her dad are talking about the kids, and she tells him about the time Kelly called the child abuse hotline on her. “She told the person that her mother just smacked her, and when the person asked why she got smacked, she said she told her mother to go suck a donkey’s d***, Sharon says, “so the guy on the phone said that her mother was right, and not to call again and then hung up on her”. Sharon then wishes for a hotline for abused parents. Her father replies with “well, thank God there isn’t a fourth one”. Truer words were never spoken.

Kelly and Oz are discussing her boozing when she states that “in England you can drink beer or wine at 16”. He reminds his diva daughter that this is America, and she has to go by the rules here, which brings a sour puss to her face. “There is only so much stuff that your mother and I can protect you from” he says, “once you go over that line, you’re f***ed, I think I’ll go have a burrito”. He makes his way to the kitchen to warm up his yummy Mexican goodness. We get various shots of Oz with various burritos and Sharon claims “he can’t eat just 1, he has to have 900”. “I think I’ll have a burrito…for a change” is followed by “HEY, get away from my f***ing burrito you little bastard” he says as he chases one of the dogs away. After finishing his meal, he paces throughout the kitchen holding his stomach. He stops for a minute, and lets out an uuuuuuhhhhhhh. He gets my vote for father of the year.

While Kelly is out partying again, Sharon stays up and cleans the refrigerator (which is bigger than my bathroom). Sharon says that Kelly still has a few more days to go before her 18th birthday, so she going to enforce the rules for the time she has left. Way to go Mrs. O, nothing like waiting until the last minute.

A drunken Kelly and adopted son Rob stumble in once again a little while later, making enough noise to raise the dead. All of her annoying qualities are multiplied by 1000, as she yells, cackles, wrestles, spins like a ballerina, and falls into furniture. After attempting to dance, she sits on the floor with her head tucked between her knees. It doesn’t take long for her to slump over and end up face down in the middle of the floor. After a few minutes of unconsciousness, she jumps up and runs for the bathroom. On her way, she slips and falls again claiming “I’m going to be sick”.

Cut to another clip of Ozzy working out, this time he’s watching the “Wind Beneath My Wings” video. He’s staring at the TV like a madman, I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

Back to Kelly, who’s now driving the big porcelain bus. Oz finds her in that familiar position, sitting on the floor up against the door and offers to get her some water. She then feels the need to tell him that she has an interviewer on hold while she’s blowing chunks. I bet that’ll be a great write-up.

After the interview, Kelly admits Sharon that she’s an awful drunk. Yes Kel, most drunks are. Sharon has some kind word for the little lush-
Sharon: You need some nice bacon in a roll with some butter
Kelly: Shut up mum, I think I’m going to throw up again
Sharon: Have you seen it when the butter melts into the ketchup
Kelly: MOOOOOMMMMM PLEEEEEEAAASE!!! Be nice to me, I’m an idiot. I’m never drinking again
Sharon: you need a nice fried egg and some pink sausages
Kelly: Oh no, I’m going to throw up again (she heads for the bathroom)

At the dinner table, the family settles in for a nice meal. The topic turns to a boy that Kelly used to go to school with, and Sharon brings up a story about yelling at him for throwing water on Kelly. “He was the biggest, grossest kid, he used to get caught masturbating in the bathroom all the time” she says. “Whacking off in the bathroom”? asks Ozzy. “Yeah, he used to bring porn on the f***ing bus” Kelly replies. “He was the one with the housekeeper with gold teeth”, Sharon comments “she was like Master P with an apron on”. Sharon gets my vote for mother of the year.

A fly invades the feast and they all take turns swatting at it. It buzzes Ozzy’s face, and in a feeble attempt to destroy it, he hits himself on the forehead almost knocking his glasses off. The family gets a hearty laugh, and Oz says that he’s going to have another burrito. He swears it’s the last one. Crazy, but that's how it goes...

Profanity Count: 33

Poop Count: 0 come on guys, you’re slipping

Next week: Kelly’s drummer sucks, one of the dogs tries to get all up on the cat, and the return of Dill!




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