I feel the need for a song.
Can you feel it baby?
I can too
It's such a good vibratiioooonnn
It's such a…..sweeee-eeee-eet sensatiooooo-huh-huh-huunnn
*does the cabbage patch dance*
Awww yeahhhh my babies, we are finally here…and we must unite…and dance! Feel the power of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch! Dare yourself not to move! We’re at the end! El finito!! The final finale of the 12-part finale series! Woo hoo!! Twelve part finales should be banned! Unless it’s something really, freakin’ cool. Like Falcon Crest. Did the tightly permed momma not require extended coverage? Did she not inspire shock and awe? I say yes. I was not, however, shocked and awed much by the finale series of LCS. Except for that time when we got slo mo footage of Jay stripping. And I haven’t worn my glasses since.
Do not like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch? It could have been worse. I could have held you and whispered, “let me be your hero.” And I would, too. Don’t tempt me.
Tonight we’re back at the Alex theater for one last time, to reveal the winner ….and the secret to amazingly succulent chicken. Actually, just the comics tonight. Which makes this yet another recap filled with wall to wall joke recapping. So I shall cram. Please accept the crammy goodness below, and watch it spiral downhill as the recap runs out of steam. For all who've stuck by me all season long, and wrapped me up in your l-u-v, I say: Thank you. <----You couldn’t hear it, but trust me, I sounded just like Jay London right there.
Please feel free to skip this useless paragraph unless you want to witness something cheesy:
We spend the first five or so minutes in review, spinning through all the past happenings up to now. Jay narrates over all footage, and we end with the cheesiest little choreographed move this side of the Achey Breaky. I'm compelled to tell you of it. You’ll have to trust me on this. I’d show you but I can’t. I’m not going to sport a mullet just to win a bet. Not again, anyway. But the three remaining comics are all on stage under their own, individual beam of light, with a very tension-inducing musical score overhead, very reminiscent of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Jay says, “Who is….." and pauses, right as the music swells to a dramatic...dun..dun…DUNNN. On the exact last “DUNNNN” the lights…SNAP off. Instantly. Leaving the comics and the stage in total darkness. The only way this would have been necessary, is if the lights flicked back on, and one of them was lying on the stage...unconscious.
Jay Mohr let’s us know what’s up for the evening: the last three comics shall perform a final time before getting the punch-in-the-throat of rejection that is awaiting someone, who right now, probably feels pretty peachy. But their peach is about to be smashed. But not before we see them eek out another few minutes of comedy. Also on tap tonight are special guests: Dat Phan and Ralphie May, who will also attempt to delight and tickle us. Jay tells us the winner of the competition will appear on Friday night’s Tonight Show. Last year, Dat performed on the same night Arnold Schwartzenegger announced his bid for governor. Tomorrow’s show will be just as important: Courtney Love is bringing out her urine sample. No one wants to be the nurse taking Courtney’s urine sample after she hasn’t had any booze or drugs in three days, and she’s comin’ at you with the shakes and a cup of urine and you’re wearin’ your new shirt from Chess King.
*It was the summer of oh-oh-three…uh huh huuuuuhhh…YEAH!* <---Bryan Adams
The special rice krispie treat for the night is the return…of the king. And/or Dat Phan and Ralphie May. Neither who run autocracies. That we know of. But they…are..back…back..back. *echo* To oil each other up, and wrestle to the ground. I wish. Instead, they’re performing comedy for us.
The first person up was second runner up in the very first season of Last Comic Standing: Ralphie May, a robust man who likes to talk gansta. We get short clips of a voting booth session last year where he says, “I’m having a hard time deciding if someone is a punk ass bitch, or a bitch ass punk.” He did not win. But he’s doing kick ass. He did not say that, he said, “great”. He's been on the Tonight show and has been performing to sell-out crowds.
Ralphie May's act: He lives in a dangerous part of Los Angeles, called Los Angeles, and claims to live in da hood. He spells it and asks, “can I get a woo woo?” Yes, yes you can. Woo. Woo. I can immediately tell my coverage of his act will suck a chew toy. A small, bumpy, carpet-fiber-covered chew toy. His gansta lingo requires you to see him pop and lock, and enunciate the words in the way only Ralphie, and 50 Cent, can. So onto some of his comedy: He has a great idea for preventing attack: carrying a joint in his pocket. If someone pops up and demands his money, he can say, “Heyyy calm down, I got a better idea. What do you say we smoke this and then go rob some other white people?” He says the hood don’t have a Jack in the Box, they have a Jizack in the Beeyox, and you had better order like you’re from the hood or the drive through dude will shoot you out of respect. He imitates placing in order in heavy gansta lingo with words I can’t even begin to type, popping them out rapidly until he trails off with a sing-songy “you’re a hustler baybeee,” to the tune of Snoop Dogg and Pharrell’s, “Beautiful”. (I think.) Listen here. (Heh heh. I know. Sorry. I couldn't stop myself, really. It's an illness.) He talks about performing in Iraq, where it’s so sandy, he now has sand in places he’ll never get it out from again. “As we speak I’m makin’ a pearl right now.” He got shot at every day there, and never got hit, and says it’s no wonder they lost the war so fast, if they can’t hit him there’s a problem. “It’s not like I’m makin’ some ninja moves to avoid the gun fire.” (Rats, I was hoping to see the ninja moves.) He and his girlfriend swam in Saddam Hussein's pool where he chose to pee. He finishes with jokes about the upcoming election, and Al Quaida’s plans of blowing up St. Louis, “If we have to switch from Bud light to Coors light and the king of beers has been assassinated, it’ll be Armageddon!”. We finish with Ralphie telling Jay that all the peeps are strong this year, but his vote went to Alonzo.
Up next is Dat Phan, last year's winner and underdog. He's all jazzed that he's no longer sleeping under a desk, and gets to live the American Dream. *cue "Greatest American Hero" song* Believe it or not...Iiiii'm...walkin' on air...
Dat’s act: First off, we pan to the audience and I see THE lamest sign, “I’m a huge phan of Dat.” And my coverage of Dat's act will also bite, because he's a physical and bendy little man with almost all of his comedy relying on pronunciation. He's very flexible, he uses it in his act, and I really can't demonstrate it here. Not without a little video screen above. So, his act: He's been in a bunch of movies lately, and in every one, he gets pushed into using his accent. His main line in the movie, “Cellular” with Kim Bassinger is, “Why you call me on the pay phone?” He keeps joking about how in every role, he ends up uttering the same line, “why you call me on the pay phone…again?” His family escaped the Vietcong, but he just got a role on the West Wing playing a Vietcong war soldier which will tick off his currently proud momma. He doesn’t even speak English in his part, just says a bunch of, “ay ya oo dong ya”, which translates to, “you call me on the pay phone.” He wants to be in a new Kung fu movie, because Asians look cool now, not like in the old days where they looked crazy, and Dat tosses his head back in laughter and suddenly pops his head upright, tosses his hand in front of him and says, “Let’s go!” He finishes with a joke from last season, about being watched at a urinal, and asked about his karate skills. Which he doesn't get, as he wasn't stealthy aiming his pee in a martial arts way. Annnd he’s done. Jay and Dat hug in the manly way, and Dat says he also voted for Alonzo.
HE kNOws WhU U R
Up next, the final three are back for one more chance to make us chortle.
Alonzo: He’s apparently checked the message boards (???) to see all the “you’re mean” comments out there. He says there are no mean jokes, it’s either funny or it’s not funny. “People say I joke a lot about being black…well I am. Give me something to work with.” He says everyone wants to be black until the cops come, but there are certain situations where it would be easier to be white, one of which is being pulled over. His first thought when he gets pulled over is, “man, I hope no one who looks like me did nothing.” He says he jokes about women because he loves them and because they’re more advanced so he can pick on them more. They’re the more advanced in the species, even when it comes to claiming a mate, because men are like cavemen, “Woman…mine.” Women clean the house to keep their man in order to mark their territory, because other women will notice. How? Men clean differently. Men don’t dust, because if they have that nice coat of film everywhere, it tells them where to put things. His time is up, and he thanks everyone and says he loves them.
Jay introduces Gary as the world’s largest Keebler elf, and I wonder…..have they been reading my recaps? Hmmm. I’m almost sure that no one in the world has ever even heard of a Keebler elf or fun and magical cookie names until I came along. He says his cousin is having a baby, “And just like you people, I couldn’t care less.” He says he’s closer to Todd Glass than he is to his cousins, because it’s more like a coincidence, “Oh wow, we have the same grandfather. See you at the next funeral.” More talk about his cousin’s baby, and how he doesn’t understand the whole, “we want to be surprised,” thing about finding out what it is. He says how surprising can it be, it’s always either a boy or girl, it’s not like, “oh no, surprise, a chicken wing.” In all his years of obstetrics, it’s never been chicken wings. Have you ever flipped a coin to heads and were shocked? “Are you kidding me? Heads? Is this some kind of voo doo nickel?” He finishes with jokes about facial hair, and how he’s been trying to grow a goatee for about nine months, but it’s comin’ in poorly. He found out that if it's on your chin it's a goatee, if it goes all the way around it's a Van Dyke, and if you the one with the beard and no mustache…that’s called ugly. “Abe Lincoln had one and they shot him.” He blames Lincoln's facial 'do for his appearance on the penny instead of higher coinage. He finishes by saying its’ the best summer he’s ever had. And we are touched.
After a quickie commercial break, I realize I’m starting to go wacko from producing 3,000 recaps, as I almost started taking notes on the commercials. I was halfway into describing an Imodium commercial when I realized…hey…wait…unnecessary.
John Heffron’s up last, and immediately launches into jokes about being injury-prone now. When he was a kid, he could slide down the stairs in a laundry basket and be dent-free. He could stab himself a billion times in the chest and watch it heal right in front of his eyes, just like Wolverine. But now he blow dries his hair, his blow drying muscle gets sore, and he has to set the dryer down. Three days later he’s still walking around wind-milling his arm, “what the heck…when did I go bowling?” Even now he gets out of the shower and plays “mystery bruise.” “Hey, when did I get that one?” He tells us he doesn’t have a set up for his next joke, which is why he wishes he was in a band so he could go, "okay the next joke I'm about to do, I wrote in 1987.” He talks about how the pumps at gas stations are too complex to work, and he doesn’t get all the confusing questions on the keypad, it’s like he’s trying to find the G-spot on the pump. “Would you like to pay cash? No. Would you like to pay credit? No. There’s five stomachs in a llama. False. Jupiter is the second planet from the sun. I don’t know. That’s when you ned to check out the person at the pump next to you. Hey, what did you get for the last one?” He’s told to keep his eyes on his own pump and finishes by telling us we all rule. Yes we do, John. You should meet us. All.
And the Oscar goes to…………
Jay thanks all three for “throwing it down”, and says their stand-up price just quadrupled. But before we read the results, it’s time to find out what their fellow housemates thought of them. Bonnie thinks it'll go to John because he connects to the peeps, has great energy, and is relatable. Corey thinks Alonzo had he best set of the night, and Kathleen cops out with, “they were all great!” Todd says he’d like to see Kathleen win… “Oh wait…she’s not in it anymore.” Ant thinks John Heffron is in by a hair, and Jay pegs Alonzo. With tiny little darts. Tammy says she’s voting for all three, which makes her useless, and Todd finishes by emotionally saying that Gary had the best set of the night, “Come on,” he insists powerfully, “we’re not gonna sh*t around now!” and then finishes by fakely weeping, “please let me go now,” and cups his head in his hands.
It is time to reveal the winner. Jays surprises me by offering up no delay tactics whatsoever, and instead focuses right in on saying the second runner up is……….Gary Gulman! *gasp* He said it so fast! Like...there was...no prep time. One minute, Gary’s gleeful, hopeful, sunshiney in the cockles of his heart. The next minute, his heart is smashed, and an emotionless Jay Mohr has just done the cha cha dance on it. Gary and his friends in the audience look saddened. There’s a poof of smoke, and Gary disintegrates.
Jay starts by saying everyone’s awesome, they should be proud of themselves, yada yada and other summer camp self-esteem exercises. He gets all tricky by saying, “And the winner is…let’s go to a commercial.” When the audience boos he asks them if they would rather not, and weirdly and easily agrees..okay. Really? Do we really get to find out this instant??? Answer: YES!
And...the winner........of an exclusive talent contract with NBC, a half hour special on Comedy Central, and an appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno is…………John Heffron!!! John’s little body is hunched over and he claps like a kid on a sugar high, and/or a very merry seal. Alonzo does not look like a merry seal, he looks like Gary Gulman. Well not like his twin or anything, but he looks blue. Sad. Chagrinned. And suddenly his poof of smoke comes and usurps him away from the spotlight as well, leaving John on stage to receive hugs from his wife and all the other comics. And for some reason Bonnie is now wearing very porn-like sunglasses…on stage…indoors. New trend. Huh.
The freakishly exciting announcement!!
There are nearly three full miutes left in the show at this point, so something is up. First, we zip past footage of the last two seasons of LCS. The footage ends with the three-seconds-ago image of John Heffron clapping his little gleeful hands together. Why? Why are they doing this? The secret: revealed. Jay tells us the plan for season three: the comics from season one will swear off with the comics from season two!! At stake are hundreds of thousands of dollars and bragging rights. The format is top secret, because Fox is watching and they’ll steal it, but he tells us it’s going to be house against house and I yell out, “OH MY GOD COOL!!” It’s like Survivor, only with the funny! Apprentice without the Donald! The show finishes with fireworks, streamers, and all comics looking bewildered on stage.
Up next: Season three begins the Monday after the Olympics, where comics from season one numchuk the comics from season two, and/or vice versa. Join me again after August 30th, for more punchy recaps.
Cabbage patching my way to my pillow. email@example.com