The Osbournes Season 2, Episode 4

Love, exciting and new
Come Aboard. We're expecting you.


That special feeling takes over the Osbourne household as Jack lets everyone know that Kelly has a boyfriend. His name is Bert, he plays in a band, likes to vomit on stage, and has professed his love after about a week of dating her. Sounds like a nice boy. Jack also informs us that Bert is known by his bandmates as “cauliflower d*ck”. At least I think that’s what he said, hard to tell with the bleeps. That leads to a wonderful discussion about venereal disease where Nanny Melinda tells them/us that you can get it on your hands just by touching beeeep, beep.

Jack, Kelly, and Melinda are seated at the kitchen table discussing hygiene and Bert, when Jack decides to annoy everyone by playing a toy piano. This leads to a playful fight/wrestling match throughout the kitchen. There is much yelling and screaming, and that prompts dear old dad to come in and lay down the law. “Stop fighting, this will end in f***ing tears if you don’t stop acting like a pair of f***s right now. Quit it, STOP”. Oz leaves the room and Kelly grabs a banana and threatens to stick it up Jack’s ass. Jack replies that it’s a waste of food, and there are starving Somalians that could use it. Now I don’t know about you people, but if my sister was threatening to violate me with a piece of fruit, Somalians would be the last thing on my mind.

A family chat about war and the United Nations turns into a debate about women in the military. When Kelly asks if they would be called to fight, Jack assures her that she’d be behind a desk because she’s a woman. Sharon informs him that women fight alongside the men, right on the frontline. Ozzy will have none of that, saying “they’re not going to allow a woman in the trenches with 5 horny guys. F*** off”.

Ozzy sits down, grabs the lunchbox sized remote, and manages to turn the TV on. He’s stuck watching some cooking show where 2 large older women are making bread. His old nemesis (the remote) gets him again, as he’s unable to figure out how to change the channel. “F***ing Hell man, this is f***ing horrible” he says as he gives up and shuffles out of the room.

Kelly sits on Sharon’s bed and tells her mom that she wants to go to Vegas and get married “just for the hell of it”. Sharon plays along, saying how much she loves weddings and that Kelly should have a baby. “Guess what dad, I’m getting married before Christmas” Kelly says as Oz makes his way across the room. “Good for you” he replies as he takes a seat next to the bed. He states that he’s given up on the TV, and voices his displeasure with the “bread baking f***ing channel”.
Sharon: What’s the bread bag?
Ozzy: The bread baking channel with these 2 f***ing old f***s b-b-breaking..uh baking f***ing bread. I keep clicking and I get these 2 gritty f***ing baboons f***ing baking f***ing homemade bread. I can’t get anything else, I’ve never heard of this. Is this a new channel?
Sharon: The cooking channel?
Ozzy: The bake, bed…uh, the bake your own bread channel.
Funny stuff that you just can’t make up.

The topic again turns back to Bert. Sharon tells Kelly that he’s a Mormon, and he will cheat on her. Kelly doesn’t want to hear it and continues to play with the computer, and play dumb when asked what time his plane gets in. Sharon promises to embarrass them if Kelly doesn’t come clean. Kelly thinks she’ll do it anyway. Jack walks to and adds his 2 cents and Kelly attacks him by saying that he’s never had a real girlfriend, and the ones that he sleeps with are “gross”. Jack takes this opportunity to reveal his grand scheme, “See, you have girls that you have sex with, and girls that you are close friends with that you don’t have sex with, so then s*** doesn’t get complicated and you still have good friends”. Strange boy, interesting theory. Kelly is confused by this and Sharon thinks it’s chauvinistic, so he changes the subject by claiming that Kelly has already seen and touched Bert’s “wang”. Sharon, being the concerned mom, asks if it’s green, or has green stalks. Jack thinks that Bert needs his head checked because he said he loved her after only 3 weeks. The boy might be on to something here.

The kids are fighting in the background and it works on Ozzy’s last nerve. “God, beam me up, kill me now, this f***ing madhouse is f***ing driving me f***ing crazy”, he says as he heads out to the pool for a swim. We are the treated to shots of Oz, in his swim trunks/boxer shorts with little fish on them, splash around with one of the dogs. Ah, now I understand his fishing adventure from last week, he has a thing for fish.

Later that evening, Kelly tries to sneak Bert into the house but gets caught. I think the best way to describe him is scuzzy, or Manson-like. And, he seems to be carrying a purse. Kelly finally gives in and introduces him to Sharon. After a little small talk, Sharon says “so, what’s he deal with “cauliflower d*ck”? Kelly moans and drags him out of the room as Sharon has a good laugh. Man, I love this woman.

A little later on, Kelly has another diva moment as she confronts her mom. She says she was embarrassed by that comment, and that would never happen to one of Aimee’s boyfriends. “It’s not fair, it’s like a big mindf***” she whines. “Let him go, I want it to be like before” Sharon playfully cries and grabs onto Kelly. Sharon continues to mess with her for a while before saying “he is a little funky”. That causes Kelly to storm out of the room. What a loving family.

Night turns to day, and Kelly is off for a day on the town with Bert. Sharon comments that “Kelly likes young smelly boys, but as a mother I think she needs an older, wiser man”. Truer words were never spoken. We see clips of the 2 lovebirds walking around, holding hands, and kissing. We also see Bert smoking, coughing, spitting, smoking again, coughing again, and more smoking. Could there be a cuter couple?

Love, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.


Next week: Ozzy’s burrito obsession, a hungover Kelly drives the porcelain bus.

Profanity Count: 70 that might be a record, and I need to brush up on my lip reading
Poop Count: 0 I think that’s a first

To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com