Day 34

Aha, symbolism, lizards and crabs fighting with their own kind.

Look there’s a big insect being carried away dead by four smaller insects. Now we know Ted is being booted we can just get on and enjoy the show.
Helen is demonically chopping a coconut. Well it’s a one for anyone with too much money, two for people who’re all show, three for Brian’s caddy…

Helen confessional : Did you hear the one about the Bishop and the diva?
That was the story of Chuay Gahn. John, Ghandia and Tanya are gone and we haven’t had to vote out a Chuay since day 12. We were just crazy romantic fools back then, we didn’t know if we had what it took to make it through, but we worked together and pulled through. Jan even survived a pretty determined assassination attempt and we went on to build a community here. We even have a graveyard.

In what I can only assume is a cautionary, if extreme measure to stop the canoe floating away, the Chuay’s appear to have filled it with sand which Brian, Ted and Clay are now scooping out.

Ted Hey Brian and Clay, you do realize we’re the core of this team? The others wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for us. Cooking, cleaning, waiting on us hand and foot, collecting the water, that’s only gonna get you so far in this game.

The others agree, but Brian points out that he was only the “soft” core and it was only because he was saving up to go to Fiji.

Brian confessional : I’m the Scott Hamilton of Tarutao. See how I glide? See my triple Lutz, triple axle combination? My skates are the longest. I’m Apolo Anton Ohno, I attack on the final corner. I’m Dorothy Hamil, the gold medal favourite. I drive round your neighbourhood in a little van selling icecream, I’m Mr. Freeze.

With fewer and fewer people on the island there is a real possibility that Clay might be forced into doing some work. To avoid this he decides to slope off into the toilet area only to be confronted by a full-length mirror.

Clay woohoo, wudyahlookeeeheeere, Am uh Nuthin.

Clay, you would have to make considerable gains before you could be considered a nothing.
Clay Hey you guys come and look at this. I found a mirror. You won’t believe my wrinkles.

Uh Clay, had you noticed that you don’t need a mirror to see any of the other Survivors?
Why then do you think they would need a mirror to be able to see you?


Wrinkly, smelly, dirty, tired,
you really don’t look nice,
filthy hair, rotten teeth
plagues of pubic lice.

Burnett now owns you heart and soul,
Your contract states that clearly.
You’ll never be the same again
Your decision cost you dearly.

They all seem to finds the ominous poem quite amusing and laugh as Helen hands out copies of their publicity shots.

Jan ponders the loss of her chubby cheeks and bosoms and Clay kisses his own image and tells us all how hot he is. Brian considers the impact yellow teeth might have on his flagging porn career but is snapped back into action when Ted mentions he’s now a “tight end”. Hmmmm, could it be that Helen has a few “issues”?
She looks at her emaciated body and claims to still be fat. She wasn’t fat before the show started. Ted temporarily gets her attention with talk of “guns”.

The men proceed to hog the mirror for the next few minutes, discussing their respective arsenals. Unable to catch a glimpse of themselves, the women label them prissy preeners.
Jeez, shouldn’t those gals be cleaning up or something?

Hmmm, yet more treemail arrives which Brian and Ted decide to collect.

Ted So who’re we voting off next?
Brian You.
Ted Huh?
Brian I mean, you know who.
Ted Oh right, Jan then.
Brian Uh yeah, and if not her then someone else with a three letter name.
Ted We’re still cool though?
Brian Sure, I am Mr. Freeze after all.

Brian reluctantly “hugs it out”.

I wouldn’t rush off to Claire’s and invest in one of those two part “best friends forever” necklaces just yet if I were you Ted.

They whoop and holler that they haven’t read the treemail seeing as it was a big thick book and all.


If a picture is paints a thousand words,
then why can’t I have you.
You’re starting to resemble turds
And really smell like poo.

Food and wine is just the start
if you win this last reward.
You might even get a car,
if you’re lucky it won’t be a Ford.

Ted has barely finished reading the poem before Clay chips in about how he is the hungriest. Helen playfully pushes him in the chest, stating he’s had enough food already.
He’s done so little round the camp he probably hasn’t even burnt off what he ate on his date with Brian.

Ted confessional : I think Brian is wavering in our alliance. I still trust him but now I only trust him 80-85%. What say we average that out for the sake of argument and say I now trust him 82.5%.

There really is no need to be quite so precise Ted.

Sitting in the cave he decides to map out his strategy in sand to Helen.
He wants to start with a Beef, Horseradish and Tomato sandwich.
Helen’s lack of subtlety in reaction would make Carrot top proud.
Even Clay knows they’re scheming and he’s laying with his back to them and he’s asleep.

Ted confesses that as Clay is so lazy he should logically be the next one to go.
But when has this game ever been about logic Ted?
Put your calculator down and step away from the computer, buddy.

Walking along the beach, the Chuay's are so lackluster they don’t even react to Jiff driving up in a truck until he speaks to them first.
Completely ignoring the old adage that you never accept lifts from strange men, they willingly pile into the truck.

Jiff So guys what do you think of the ride?
Jiff We’re here guys, time to get out of the ride?
Jiff This is the ride you’re playing for, nice ride eh?

Jiff So, the reward is a day at the spa and this great looking ride.

He goes on to explain that they will have to collect a series of eight English letters at various stations throughout the course and unscramble them to make a two word “activity”.

Jiff You’re standing on your first letter guys. Survivor’s ready, go.

Despite being told this more than once the Survivors dash off to station number two.
Jiff can barely disguise that “dumb bastards” look he has perfected over the years as he repeatedly calls out to them that they were “standing on the first letter”.
Clay is first to run back, claiming that he knew that was what Jiff said all along.
His pure elation that standing on the box had elevated him to normal height obviously temporarily overwhelmed him and he was forced to follow the pack even though he, of course, knew it was not the right thing to do.

Ted and Brian find their second letter before running back and painstakingly untying their first. Jan is still trying to find her second letter when all the others are busy untying their fourth.
Jiff Don’t give up Jan, you’re still alive.

Yes she is Jiff, barely.

The whole event is an homage to string, sadly overlooked since the invention of sticky tape.
Brian finds the final two letters buried under squid in a treasure chest seconds before Clay.
Brian Squid.
Clay Skweed.

Brian summons Jiff stating he has found the answer.
In the most fun with words moment since Big Tom cast his vote for EAT HEN, Brian presents his solution as RAOD TRIP.
Jiff stifles as laugh as he playfully asks Brian what he’s trying to spell causing the dumb ass to say his answer aloud. In steps Ted to quickly spell the word correctly and claim the prize. Brian congratulates him but he’s not happy. Clay congratulates him but he’s really not happy.

Brian I shouldn’t have said it out loud.

Indeed Brian, but you did. That’s the lcuk of the draw. That’s the way the ckooie crumbles. C’est la vei.

After a few minutes of Ted’s end zone dance, Jiff gives him the opportunity to bring a friend along for the treat.

Three factors play into his decision to select Helen.
1) Brian didn’t pick him when he won a reward.
2) Helen didn’t eliminate him from the torch snuffing IC until she had no option.
3) Grinding baybeeeee.

They climb into the ride and drive off as Jiff leads the remaining three Survivor’s in a chorus of “No Scrubs”.

Helen uses the journey time to confirm that they do need to get rid of Clay, providing all the confirmation the viewer’s need that Clay will be safe for another week.

They arrive at the “spa” and Ted commences to make a “Ghandia” of himself, i.e. a giant ass.
Although both teetotal they can’t resist the urge to drink the wine that’s been provided.
Ted scrunches his face and exclaims “arrgghhuugghh” after each sip yet still goes on to drink enough to become obnoxiously drunk.
He piles his plate with the tasty offerings and tries to eat in the same quantity that the
old Ted” used to pack food away. They have shrimp, some kind of chicken dish. The day is a winner all round for Helen as she manages to pick up a couple of recipes.

Freshly showered, Helen is enjoying her “relaxing” massage with the sound of Ted’s booming drunken voice. He uses a loofah, liberally coated in soapsuds to brush his teeth but is too drunk to notice.
Since he’s dropped down to a deuce and a half he can no longer be described as a ton of fun, but he is clearly out of control and heading her way. He moans loudly through his entire massage. Nights of passion at the Rogers house must be hellish for their neighbours. I’m sure the whole sub-division must know when Ted’s arriving.

Back at camp the remaining Clay is moaning about not winning the reward.
He hates losing, he’s not a loser. Try and convince your creditors of that restaurant King.
Brian I said the answer out luod. Ted could have at least thanked em.

Massages over Helen and Ted settle down for the night.

Day 35

Brian and Clay play golf on the sand as Helen and Ted return from their day of luxury.
A quick Helen confessional reveals that after a night away she was wondering who was talking about her back at camp. Hmmmm, my guess would be various combinations of Jan, Brian and Clay considering they are the only ones there Helen.

Now it’s Ted’s turn to do the Santa act as he hands out wine to his tribe mates.
There is a slight flesh creep moment as Brian turn the most innocent of moments into a porn script.
Ted Have you been naughty or nice?
Brian I’ve been very naughty sir.

Jan places the bottle of wine she receives in the one place she knows no one will go exploring for it, her cleavage. She crosses her now saggy boobs in front of it to hold it in place and declares it “a perfect fit”. Yeah, a perfect fit, like a lush in charge of 30 first graders.

Later that day Helen and Brian take out the canoe. I assume they’re going to the water hole, but we never see what their destination is. Brian thinks Helen owes him. What’s more he thinks she knows he thinks she owes him. You’re skating wayyyyy too fast for me here Bri.
Helen tells Brian that Ted is trying to rope her in to a deal and asks Brian to keep him away from her.

Helen Brian, I need to ask you for protection.
Brian Sure Helen, coloured or flavoured?

Immunity Challenge

A very simple task for the players, collect ten puzzle pieces that complete the treads of ten steps of a tower.
First to climb the tower wins immunity.
It’s pretty easy, if not a little tiring for a the contestants, but hardly much of a spectacle for the viewers as we watch the Survivors running backwards and forwards.
Brian casually glides to the top of the tower and claims immunity.

Day 36

It’s the day of TC and the time when the Survivors generally scramble to get their alliances in place.
As promised, Helen tries to talk Jan into voting out Clay – no dice.
We know that because we know that Ted is being voted out.

Brian :confessional See, my three fingers? Well, this one is Jan. She’s disposal. I can throw her away like a used condom. This one is Helen, she’s my loyal soldier, my death spin spiral partner. She’ll steer my Zamboni on the path to victory. This middle finger is Clay because it’s the same size as he is.

Clay confessional: It’s all about the survival of the fittest.
The most deserving winner is the one who can claim the cash then file their bankruptcy papers to protect it quickest. The game is on.

Tribal Council

Jiff Uh guys, did you notice that you voted out the Sooks and now there are four of them on the jury and they’ll have to vote for the winner of the $1,000,000?

Clay Yeah, I lay awake at night thinking about it.
It’s not a big deal though as I sleep all day.

Cliché King Brian mentions the fat lady singing, smugly if he was the one who originally thought of the saying, and we’re on to the vote.

Despite his earlier bravado and when telling Ted he would not be the next one voted out, Brian can now no longer look him in the eye as his torch is snuffed and he says his quick goodbyes.

Next week on Survivor.

It’s finale time.
Can anyone stop Brian’s combination spin to victory?