I Dated a Former Child Star and All I Got Was This Shirt
Star Dates, Episode 1
Featuring: Butch Patrick (aka Eddie Munster from the Munsters)
The premier episode of this reality TV offering, Star Dates’ premise is to combine the show Blind Date and a watered down… more like flooded down… Bachelor. Indeed, this episode did live up to it’s lofty goal of setting up dates between a B list actor and a normal (read: not famous, but probably trying to be) citizen. Jordan Black hosts, and brings a healthy supply of sarcasm to the task.
Given that it is pretty exhausting for me to chase ambulances for entertainment, and COPS doesn’t hold that same excitement it used too, I was hopeful that I would find equal train wreck like qualities in this show on E!. Before we jump into the recap, let’s take closer look at this episode’s star.
Butch Patrick’s acting resume is most noted for his heart warming portrayal… well, I think it was meant to be heartwarming… of a young boy in a very strange household, as Edward Wolfgang Munster, in the Munsters, a sit-com that ran from 1964-66. Somehow Butch failed to win the Emmy for his efforts, and by all accounts his only lasting legacy from that role is to be constantly mistaken for Ken Weatherwax, who played Pugsley on the Addams Family.
Patrick’s career bounced about in the later half of the 60’s, where he appeared in various movies and Munster’s specials. In 1971 he made his last big attempts to break through, when he co-stared, with Charles Nelson Reilly, in a sit-com called Lidsville. In 1989 he starred in Scary Movie… no, not the Scary Movie you are thinking of…
I have always felt that the highlight of Patrick’s career were probably his appearances on The Simpsons, including his stint in 1989 on the Behind the Laughter episode that ranks as my favorite of all time.
Today, Patrick is a 49 year old Haunted House Consultant… and I am guessing that looks good on a resume… who would struggle to be considered even B list material, but to his credit, he is very enthusiastic about the dates…
The “Normal” Folks
Lisa Marie Bolick (no, I am not making that name up), is introduced as an Antiques Dealer, originally from my current home in Portland, Oregon.
Coincidently, Bolick shares the same name with someone who looks a lot like her, and recently appeared in such renowned pictures as Enticement and Camp Blood 2… which was obviously made because Camp Blood left too many questions unanswered.
No reference is made during the show to her side work, or her age, so we leave that issue inconclusively answered. One person who undoubtedly knows all of her vital statistics would be her plastic surgeon, with who she has invested a significant amount of time and money… if you know what I mean…
Eden Byrd is introduced as a Quirky Little Fun Girl… and I immediately wonder how well that pays…
Also coincidently, a woman of that same name is credited for appearing in Lost Souls, a Winona Ryder movie from 2000. No word yet if any of Eden’s clothes came up missing on the set. Further, Eden did confirm during her date that she was an aspiring actress.
Date #1 – Lisa Marie
We quickly learn the introduction method for this show. Apparently the star is allowed to peruse several applicants, none of whom have any idea whom their date will be until Jordan brings a white envelope with a picture of the celebrity in their role, but not a current photo.
Lisa Marie is wearing an outfit that I am sure she thought would be subtle. It is a black form fitting tank top that does an excellent job of highlighting her upper body assets, and of course it is adorned with a big silver star… Oh, I get it… a star, and you are on Star Dates… She relates that she has dated a lot of folks, but lately she has been getting hit on by High School students. Well good for you!
Butch is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, open just a few too many buttons for a man his age, but not to worry, as the obligatory gold chains are in place. He shares that he has a “sort of” girlfriend in NY, and a “sort of” girlfriend in Atlanta. I am sure both of those “sort of” friends will be relieved to learn that Butch is also looking to move on from a third, six year long relationship.
Our two love struck souls meet, and by all accounts seemed to not actually be totally repulsed by each other. At least we know that Butch is happy, as he points out to Lisa Marie that she is even more pretty than her picture, and later confides to the camera that she “has incredible breasts”… Well thanks Butch, if you hadn’t pointed that out, I would have completely missed them. Lisa Marie on the other hand is friendly but reserved.
Butch and Lisa Marie head out on their date, and as you might expect, there is that shared uncomfortable-ness to overcome. Butch has the answer though as he asked Lisa Marie if she is a good burper… They then share several tender moments exchanging burps, and I was glad the tissue was nearby, as this was very touching.
During the ride over Jordan provides a bit of foreshadowing when he points out that he sees a hot tub in their future. Butch seems quite happy with that news.
They arrive at the Psychic Eye Book Shop, where they browse the various wares for sale. Butch offers to buy Lisa Marie anything in the shop as a sign of his love for her… breasts…
Ahhh, but Lisa Marie is smarter than that, and knows to play hard to get. So she responds with “Nah… I don’t see anything here that vibrates.”
The resident psychic then performs a tarot card reading and shares several generic facts with Butch that serve to reassure him that the next big role is just around the corner. Stick with it little man!
From there, our couple heads to a hotel that could best be described as a Motel 6 with a hot tub. Not to fear though, the hot tub is there, and being the former Girl Scout she is, somehow Lisa Marie has been hiding a bikini the entire night. Nothing like being prepared! While she is in the bathroom changing, Butch is testing the mattress by bouncing on it, and making further complimentary references to Lisa Marie’s body. I admire his confidence.
Soon Lisa Marie emerges, and she definitely strains the bindings of her chosen swimwear. At this point Butch is pretty much drooling on himself, and they head to the hot tub.
It appears at first that Butch is going to sink at this point of the date though, as Lisa Marie makes the observation that Butch’s feet are smaller than hers. That is, of course, the worst thing any man in a hot tub, with other objectives on his mind, wants to hear. Butch handles it well though and they proceed back to Room 105…where they have indeed left the light on for us.
From there, Lisa Marie proceeds to undress in the bathroom, and we are giving the notorious closing door shot, that always signifies the pending arrival of sex. That kind of gentle inference isn’t good enough for Jordan though, who pretty much blurts out that Butch got some from Lisa Marie. He seemed happier than Butch, so perhaps he earns a commission with every successful encounter?
One date down, and success for Butch. Could he keep it up? I had my doubts, for there was only ten minutes of show left…
Date#2 – Eden
The envelope ceremony begins, and Eden is immediately appalled at the prospects of her date. Jordan assures her that Butch is grown up now… but Eden is inconsolable.
Eden is from Texas, and is wearing and outfit that might best be described as a cross between grunge, goth, and earth-muffin. She sports multiple tattoos, all of which have higher meaning than mere mortals such as I can dare to understand. This is Eden’s fourth dating show episode that she has participated in. You have to admire her persistence.
To add insult to injury, Eden is forced to track down her date in the local fair, where Butch is doing an autograph signing appearance. He is wearing another Hawaiian shirt, and seems to be tired from a long day or working the pens.
It is clear immediately that Butch and Eden are not going to hit it off. Eden’s comments included the always telling “This is a joke!”, followed by “What I am doing here…”, and just in case you didn’t get her inflection the first time around, she ponders her situation further by noting that “Somebody hates me… this is a F*&king joke!”
Butch has packed up his roller suitcase that undoubtedly holds thousands of priceless Eddie Munster headshots. We know there are pretty valuable because a last minute autograph seeker… who definitely looked like he just stepped out of a Trekkie convention, is begging for an autograph.
In what could only be described as a Coke commercial moment where Mean Joe Greene gives the little boy his jersey, Butch is annoyed, but offers to get a photo and sign it. He doesn’t forget to tell the fan though that it will be $10!
Now, I am hardly an expert on dating myself, and I don’t begrudge the man his opportunity to earn some money, but if my new date is standing right next to me, I am going to go out on a limb and guess that it would be best to skip the $10… That’s just me though, I am a little old-fashioned.
They begin the date by touring the fairgrounds where Butch was signing autographs. These two are getting along like a convict and his parole officer. There is no chemistry, and Eden’s expressions continuously confirm that fact for us.
Butch wants to go on a Ferris wheel, but Eden hates them. So from there, they visit the local petting zoo, where Butch shares his thoughts on Eden… “She is a wacko of sorts, but the animals seem to like her…”
Eden and Butch are gluttons for punishment, so they decide to go to dinner. Eden indicates that she enjoys all types of food… except… Italian. So, where do you think they pull up to? Ding Ding! You are right, Italian.
During the meal Eden has donned a particularly fetching pair of alien antenna ears, but even this last gasp effort can’t save the evening, for while Eden takes a quick break outside, Butch auditions for the Fly III by saying “Help Me! Help Me!”
By this point, the date is ending quickly, and with a peck on the check.
Now this was a complete mismatch of people, and to the cameras both of these datee’s clearly indicated that they didn’t like each other. However, in the fine tradition of dating, they both assure each other that they had a great time.
Eden retreats to the Escalade for a long ride home with Jordan, who seems to be scoring more points with her than Butch ever did.
Next Week: Dustin Diamond from Saved By the Bell, and any other embarrassing vehicle available, with be your celebrity. So set your TiVo or VCR, and read the FORT review first to see if it is safe to watch… I know one of his dates looks very dangerous in the preview.
Until next week…
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