Previously on Survivor.

Penny cut Jake loose, Helen won immunity, Clay talked about asses a lot.

Night 30

In the red corner we have Clay “Oompah Loompah” Jordan, in the blue corner Jake “The Snake” Billingsley.
Ding, ding.
Clay is first to attack, with the “I don’t like what you just said” hook.
Jake counters with a “what – Midget?” jab.
Clay continues with an “I didn’t like that comment worth sh1t.”
Jake hammers him with “I didn’t mean you specifically, but if the cap fits” combination.
Unable to fully recover, Clay mounts his final attack, one part “you insulted us all” five parts “la la la la I’m not listening”.

Helen : confessional Some people are working, some are skating, some are burying animals, some are wearing impossibly small swimming trunks, some are thrilling others with their extensive knowledge of recipes and some talk about ass all day.

Ted :confessional Clay’s completely moronic.

Clay scampers over to Ted to recount the exchange with Jake.

Clay yeah, and then I said, what makes you think your ass is any better than my ass? What you said was like a slap on the ass to all five of us. You proud of me Ted? I’m protecting all our asses.

Ted I thought that was messed up.

Clay Wow thanks Ted. I got your ass covered.

Day 31

We start the day with shots of various Survivors strewn lifelessly on the beach.
They are totally lacking in energy, even Brian looks limp.
His fingernails are filthy but more interesting to me is that he is swearing a sweater.
Where the hell did he get that?

Clay informs us that after 31 days, they’re all whupped. Whupped like a sweet, round ass.
He’s lost too much weight and he misses his family.
Aha, that my friends is what we call foreshadowing, where are you hiding the family members guys?
Viewers in five continents breathe a collective sigh of relief when they realize the fact that Clay can “smell the end” does not mean Ghandia is rejoining the show. The fact that he “knows it’s coming” does confirm the suspicion that CC will be on the island any time now.

Jake is in one of the far corners of the cave reflecting on his now jury serving Sook Jai teams mates.
He wipes away a tear as two coconuts evoke the mental image of Erin, Magilla’s daughter is the living image of Penny and the over-powering stench of piss makes him yearn for his old buddy Ken.
He’s writing in his notebook. It’s like a journal. It’s kind of like a letter to his wife. No, it is a letter to his wife.
Oh whatever Jake.

Tree mail time.

When exactly did Jan and Helen switch roles?
They decide to have a “sneak peak” at the tree mail and the sight of five grains of rice, prompts Helen into a manic little dance while Jan calmly assess the situation and declares someone will have food after the challenge. Very strange.
The “girls” sprint off down the beach screaming about the contents of the mail to the guys. Hmmm, does this really constitute a sneak peak Helen?
The guys agree that as the words “nourishment” and “feast” appear in the poem this probably isn’t the week someone will be winning a car.
They formation hug to display their pleasure.


Reward Challenge

Jiff goes “all new” on them again by saying he will show them the reward before explaining the challenge.

Suddenly a scruffy looking, short, bearded guy appears. It’s Helen’s husband Jim.
His “look” screams Internet chat room stalker or pervert rabbi.
Helen is pleased to see him nonetheless and leaps into air. Jiff admonishes her to grab some wood prompting Brian to unzip his fly.

Next to appear is “Alwon” , Ted’s brother. I imagine Alwon simply goes by that name, ala Cher or Madonna. Even though he’s sporting a 12 inch long braided goatee, I can’t help but be a little, hmmm, interested.

Next we have CC, who judging by the look of her hair was named for Crisco and Canola.

I thought it was supposed to be 110 degrees plus out in Thailand.
Jakes wife Jenny is cold, she’s damn cold, either that or she’s really pleased to see him.

Clay, the bankrupt restaurateur has nicknamed his wife “lady luck”.

Jan’s face crumbles into tears as waits to greet her guest. She knows there will only be one guest , but who?
Oliver or Lucky’s head and feet. She hides her disappointment well at the sight of her rather handsome son Jiff.

So, at stake today is a 24-hour stay at the piss cave. They will cook together, eat together and sleep together.
Brian looks at CC and holds an imaginary phone to his ear.
She understands perfectly and signals back that yes, she did contact their agent who has a second camera crew on standby in case they win the reward. Somewhere back at base camp MB looks at stills of Jan and her son Jeff and rubs his hands with glee at the thought of another “Momma loves her Colby” moment.
The losers however ,will have to go, no kiss, no hug, no handshake. You cruel, brilliant bastard MB.

Jeff explains that the family members will be eating “creatures from the forest”.
First course – Red and Flying Ants.

CC They won’t burn us will they?

Hmm, you know what CC, I think they might. These little spoonfuls of ants might exact revenge for every one of their “brothers” that was burned by a snot-nosed kid with a magnifying glass.

Jiff No, they’re dead. Come on, get ‘em down. For god’s sake CC I meant the ants.

Everyone is successful in that round so it’s on to water roaches.

Wasting no time at all, Alwon puts it in his mouth only to see liquid shoot out of it. Baring this in mind it does seem very strange that CC couldn’t face this task. Perhaps she’s ok with the chewing, just doesn’t like the swallowing.
She keeps flicking the roach round her plate. You might as well stop playing with it CC , it isn’t going to get any bigger.
She is the first to be eliminated, after explaining that “Dude, I just couldn’t do it”.
Brian looks relieved to see her go.
CC I love you Brian.
Brian I love you CC.
Clay Nice ass.

So it’s on to round three – the live grub time trial. The first two people to eat their grubs go on to round four.
Jenny makes it through on sheer iron will and determination, Jim makes it through by his desire not to spend another night in the battered husband’s shelter.
So, we say goodbye to hot Jeff and Alwon. Lady luck shares a touching moment with Clay.

Linda I love you
Clay I love yer ass too.

On to round four. Fear Factor and Gluttony bowl haven’t numbed me to the gross food challenge to the extent that I don’t find eating a tarantula disgusting.
Encouraged by their loved ones both Jenny and Jim prove equal to the task.

Jake I love you Jenny, I love you, you can do it.
Helen Jim, swallow it you bastard or so help me God I’ll have you weighing ingredients till your dying day.

On to the final round, boiled scorpion.
Jenny drops hers on the ground and quickly picks it up and wipes it on her Capri’s. Hey, what’s wrong with that? No one wants to eat dirt-encrusted scorpion.
Despite a valiant effort by Jenny, Jim’s fear of reprisals from Helen carries him to victory.
Jenny departs and everyone sits round pretending to be pleased for Helen and Jim.

Welcome to the Piss Cave – we have a limited clientele, but “you’re in”

Hmmm, Jim’s visit, what can I say?
Boring.
He did however, within the first five minutes correctly label Clay as unintelligible and managed to come up one stop short of calling him a hick. So that was worth the pain of watching the challenge alone.
It appears that following the incident where Ted got completely and totally “up on Ghandia” the Chuays have taken to sleeping in same sex dormitories. The addition of Helen’s husband has left Jan without a bed for the night. Ted invited Jan to sleep in the men’s quarters.

Jan But there is snakes down there.
Brian You better believe it baybeeeee.

Day 32

Footage for the entire day consisted of viewing Jim’s visit.
Helen and Jim went to get water. They discussed strategy. She told him she wanted rid of Clay, he told her to get rid of Brian, she ignored him. She washed her hair in clean drinking water, they dug for clams in the ocean. Some curly haired woman came to take Jim away. That really as pretty much it.

Day 33

Ted has found the tree mail and bellows out to his teammates.
“Treeeeeeeeee maaaaaiiiiillllllllll, ding a ling”.
I didn’t think that tree mail made a ringing sound so I will have to take the big guys word for that.

As the clue is read out, Brian thanks his lucky stars he’s in such a favourable position within the tribe hierarchy. There’s just no way he will be able to win immunity when it involves thinking ]outside the box.

Jake There is five Chuay Gahns and me. That’s a ratio of five to one. That means I have to win immunity or I’ll be voted out.

Uh, no kidding. With that very statement we know you are on your way out Jake.

Immunity Challenge

Jiff takes the necklace back from Helen and explains to the tribe mates that today’s immunity winner will be whoever builds and eight-sided cube fastest.
I would like to propose that whoever can build and eight-sided cube deserves more than just immunity.

Having snatched Jim away all too quickly, Jiff decides to now torture Helen by asking her questions about how great it was to see him.
Helen I loved touching him and talking to him. I loved making him wear his buff in his hair so he looked like a male version of me.

Jiff Haha, I fooled you, I totally rock. Your families are still here.

The family members run out from behind a nearby tree.
Clay dashes toward CC but Lady Luck elbows her out of the way.
Each of the “couples” is reunited in a warm embrace. Despite the presence of two porn stars, the hottest action comes from Jake and Jenny as we are subjected to several very close up seconds of saliva swapping.
Jiff steps in to crank this orgy up a notch by tying each of the couples together to complete the cube challenge.
Would you not think that Brian and CC were a dead cert to win any bondage related challenge?
They turned in a very disappointing performance as the eventual victory goes to Ted and Alwon who proceed to show Brian and CC how it’s done by rolling around on the beach in an Adam and Adam kind of way.

The Survivors bid their final farewells and head off back to camp.
Jake is so happy to have seen Jenny that his 5-1 predicament is no longer weighing heavy on is mind.
He knows the others are talking about him, he knows he’s getting voted off and despite MB’s ham fisted attempts at concealing the outcome we know he’s getting voted off.
Helen does her best to persuade Brian to vote off Clay because,
Helen He gets right up my hmmmpthammmfffhhhpppmmmwwwmmm and hellllllllllllllll no!!!!!

I have no idea what that means, I don’t even want to hazard a guess.
As expected Jake gets his torch snuffed at TC. Call Chuck Barriss, it’s the Pagong Show!!

Next week on Survivor.

Lack of ample grinding fodder leads Ted to propose a threesome to Helen.
The gang goes for a ride in a shiny new car.
Thankfully there are only two more episodes to go.