The Osbourne Family World Tour continues this week as Kelly prepares for a trip to England to appear on “Top of the Pops”, a TV music show somewhat like “American Bandstand”. She describes the show, and is quite excited because she’s been watching since she was a little girl. One of the dogs decides that he’s had enough of all this happy talk and drops a deuce in the corner. It must’ve been potent because it cleared the room in seconds.

Ozzy is getting wood…It’s for his planned bonfire on the beach. I guess he feels safer if the fire is outside. On his way home, he stops by the fire station to make sure it’s legal and to get a permit. While filling out the form, the officer asks for his address. In a moment of pure comedy gold, Oz turns to his assistant and says “Where do I live”? That’ll make a fine public service announcement.

Jack is getting ready for his trip to Carolina, he has to shoot his guest appearance on “Dawson’s Creek”. Sharon is concerned, she tells the assistant to make sure he learns his lines…all 5 of them. She instructs him to watch Jack closely, no drugs, no booze, and if he gets “lippy”, it’s ok to smack him. Ah, a mother’s love.

Before she gets to England, Kelly has to make a stop in Germany to do some promotion for her album. She has a diva moment when the airport loses her f***ing bag, containing “thousands and thousands of dollars worth of clothes”. Apparently she was carrying a gold pin shaped like a gun, and security pulled this bag aside to search it. I hope someone explained to her why she probably shouldn’t bring anything remotely resembling a gun to an airport, even she’s Ozzy’s daughter.

Back at the beach, Oz is digging the fire pit and is having a little trouble. It seems that the tide hasn’t completely gone out. “F*** OFF, F*** OFF”, he yells as the water rolls to within about a foot of his hole. “STOP, F***ing go to Alaska. NO NO NO, you f***ing ass**** ocean”. Like Moses trying to part the sea, he stands in front of the hole with his arms in the air and shouts “NOOOOOO”. He attempts to build a barrier with some rocks and blows his nose on his shirt before sitting on a log to tend to the fire. With a quick look over his shoulder, he tells the ocean to f*** off one last time.

Kelly is in a hotel room talking to Jack on the phone, bitching about sh*tty beer and not having any clothes. “Do you have a cold”, she asks, “because it sounds like you’ve got a f***ing d*ck in your mouth”. She goes on to taunt him about her upcoming performance until he hangs up on her. I wonder what took him so long. Cute kids. On her way to the radio station she meets with some fans-
Fan #1: (in German) I met Ozzy in May and now I want to meet Kelly
Fan #2: (in German) She’s cool
Fan #3: (in German) Ya
Fan #4: (in German) Ya
Fan #5: (in German) Ya

Ozzy seems to have the ocean under control, and asks his assistant if it’s too big. “No”, he replies. “It f***ing will be in about 10 minutes” Oz says as he heads inside to get more logs. “I am log man” he says as he tosses a bundle of wood from the balcony down to the pit. “Sharooooooonnnn. Are you coming down or what”, he shouts, staring up at the balcony. While waiting for her, he shuffles over to the fire and bares his ass. “I like warming my butt by the fire”, he claims. He’ll warm much more than his ass if this fire is anything like the one from last week.

Jack gets the schedule for the shoot and notices that they start at 5:45 AM. “That’s rough”, he comments. The next morning, we get multiple shots of the assistant trying to wake Jack up. He makes it to the studio on time and a voiceover has him saying how he did a good job at getting up in the morning. He promptly falls asleep on the couch in his dressing room. He shoots his scene, and they were even nice enough to write in a few f-bombs for him. When finished, he is standing around with one of the girls he just starred with and makes his move:
Jack: So, do you live in LA
Girl: Yeah
That’s it? Damn he’s smooth.

It’s getting close to showtime as Kelly readies herself backstage. She’s nervous and excited to be performing on the same show that her father was on 30 years earlier. She takes the stage looking like Punky Brewster and dances to the intro of her version of Papa Don’t Preach. At least I think it was dancing, it looked to me like she was doing the backstroke.

Sharon has joined Ozzy (who has pulled his pants back up) by the fire, and Oz asks if they still have fishing poles. Then he asks if they have any cheese. Yes, he said cheese. He tells the cameraman that he’s going fishing, and will use the cheese for bait. “Fish like cheese…sometimes…some fish like cheese” he says straight-faced. Oz baits the hook, and wades out about knee deep in the surf and starts casting. “F*** no, f***ing ocean, stop”, he shouts as waves come crashing in on him. “He’s trying to catch Moby Dick” Sharon laughs. Oz starts to backpeddle yelling “NO NO NO” as a wave knocks him off his feet, leaving Sharon (and myself) in stitches. You can’t make this stuff up.

I don’t think I can do that final scene justice by putting it into words, it’s a definite “MUST SEE”. For those of you that don’t have cable or don’t get MTV, have a friend tape it for you. You have to see this.


Profanity Count: 36
Poop Count: 1


Next week: Kelly has a boyfriend, and more cursing!



To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com