Welcome to a special holiday edition of Fear Factor.
What better way is there to celebrate the holidays than to embarrass yourself on TV. Let’s meet this week’s victims:

Myles O’Connell – Conference Organizer from San Francisco, California. Didn’t they use to call that “secretary”?

Heather Miles – Bartender from New York, New York. Never gets any credit, “I’m going to show everybody blah blah blah”

Lane Carlson – Construction Worker/Model from Winona, Minnesota. For some reason I’m reminded of the Village People.

Mandy Lane – Student from Chicago, Illinois. If that doesn’t sound like a porno name, then my name’s not Sven. (and it isn’t)

Wayne Williams – Firefighter from New Orleans, Louisiana. He says dealing with dead bodies and burning buildings should help him here. Um, ok.

Darlene Randles – Surf Instructor/Lifeguard from Ventura, California. She’s angry, and believes you can do anything you want to even though men try to put you down.

Santa’s little helper/host Joe Rogan meets them out in a clearing by a Christmas tree to go over the rules. Being in the holiday spirit, he gives them each their own motorized scooter. There’s one small catch though, they’ll need them for their first stunt.

Scooter Balance Beam
100 feet high, 60 feet long, 12 inches wide. Contestants must make it from one end to the other on their scooters. The four fastest or furthest move on to the second round. Unlike most first stunts, this is not gender specific, it’s the top four regardless.

As Mandy prepares to kick things off, the others stand around and chat. Wayne makes a comment about Mandy having “buoyancy “. Uh Wayne, there’s no water involved with this stunt. Darlene just shoots him a look, she hates men already and he isn’t helping.

Mandy readies herself and takes off on Joe’s word. She stars off well, but starts to wobble about half way. She drives off the platform and her new scooter slams into the ground. The official word: 8 marks in 6 seconds.

Heather is up next, and talks to Joe as she puts on the harness. She wants the money so she can by a dog, a special breed that is expensive. WTF, is it made of gold? She doesn’t want to say what kind out of fear that everyone will run out and by one. Yes Heather, the entire world is watching and just waiting for you to spill your little secret so we can go out and by them all before you get one.

Trendsetter Heather gets in position and waits for the countdown. 3-2-1-GO! She waits…and waits…andfinally starts slowly moving forward. Very s-l-o-w-l-y. In what seemed like an hour, she barely reaches the second mark before tumbling off. Pathetic. So much for that dog.

Lane is first for the guys, and is pretty confidant. After all, he does work in construction when he’s not modeling. He makes it to the 5th mark in 6 seconds. I hope his boss is watching and keeps him away from scaffolding from now on.

Myles is on deck. He gets a good start, and makes it to the 7th mark before falling. He’s a bit too close to the platform when he falls and almost plants his face, but he manages to get his arm in the way.

Wayne is ready, he’s going to do it for all the boys back at the fire house. He’d better, or they’ll bust his balls for the rest of his life. He gets a solid start, but then looks as if he’s taking an off-ramp and drives off at the 3rd mark. With that, Heather is sent packing.

Darlene grabs the last scooter and heads for the platform. Joe asks if she’s ready, and the angry one responds with “AARRGGHHH”! She hangs on until the 6th mark before dumping and trashing her scooter. She’s pissed, she really wanted that scooter. With her finish, Wayne is sent home to feel shame.

It’s on to round #2, and in a cozy little cabin, the contestants are seated at a table with dinner plates in front of them. Joe comes through the front door doing his best Mr. Rodgers impersonation.

Nads & Nog
Each contestant has a stocking hanging above a fireplace. Inside each stocking are little boxes containing numbers ranging from 5 to 10. They choose one box, and whatever number is inside is the number of Reindeer testicles they’ll have to eat. They are allowed 30 seconds per nad. They will also have 1 minute to drink 1 cup of eggnog made with 100 year old eggs. Yummy!

Once again, Mandy is lucky contestant #1. She picks a box, and lets out a “YESSS”! She’s ecstatic, she gets 5. She goes right to work like an old pro, as we hear the snap, crackle and pop of the outer membrane. The former Miss Illinois finishes the family jewels and cup’o’goo without a single gag. Wow, I’m impressed.

Myles picks a 5 as well, and digs right in. He breezes through the balls and sets his sights on the nog. He tries to chug it like a fratboy, but is forced to stop halfway through. I thought it was coming back for sure, but he only needed a few deep breaths to polish it off.

Mandy comments that she feels like they’re running around in her stomach, so Joe introduces the “Official Fear Factor Chuck Bucket”. He leaves it on the table and says to Mandy and Miles that they might want to use it to psyche out the other two. Hey, whatever gives you an edge, right?

Lane is next in line, and lets out a “sonofabitch” as he pulls a 10. He starts in on his holiday feast, and decides to use the eggnog as a dipping sauce. I don’t know how much that helps, but it’s pretty creative. He methodically cleans his plate and downs his nog.

All eyes are on Darlene, as the angry girl opens a box containing a 6. As soon as she starts, the others start with the trash talk. Myles asks if she feels the puke coming. Lane grabs the “Chuck Bucket”, and using his modeling experience, attempts to stick his finger down his throat. He belches and bluff barfs into the bucket as Darlene closes her eyes and covers her ears trying to zone the others out. She finishes the little guys and grabs the nog, and has major trouble with the tasty beverage. The ever helpful Lane is ready with the bucket, but Darlene manages to keep everything down by holding on to her face. She turns to Lane and yells “KISS MY BUTT” and then violently high fives everyone else. She makes sure her time is up and she is safe before quickly snatching the bucket and blowing chunks to a chorus of “Oh sh*t”. Happy Holidays! On to the finals-

Cane Grab
A pool is separated into 3 levels, there is 1 hole in each level, and a giant candy cane is attached to the bottom. Contestants must swim down through each hole, grab the cane, and come back up through the holes. If they do not use the holes, or need to be rescued by safety divers, they are eliminated. The person with the fastest time wins.

Mandy scores the hat trick and is first again. She strips down to her BIKINI (woohoo) and takes her spot at the top hole. She admits to being nervous, and says she’d rather eat more nads. Joe counts down and she’s off, making it to the bottom without hesitation. Jaws-like music starts to play in the background as she has trouble finding the top hole. She finds it, and works her way up and out in 27 seconds. As she leans on the side of the hole choking and gasping for air, Joe gives us the line of the night when he asks if she needs some water. I would like to thank the producers for using cold water for this stunt…turkey’s done!

Myles is next, and practically flies down to the bottom. He misses the cane on his first swipe, and grabs it on his second try. It didn’t seem to hurt him though as he makes it to the surface in 14 seconds, which unfortunately sends Mandy home empty handed.

Lane’s turn, and he too makes his way to the bottom quickly. But in a move that supports the stereotype on models, he takes an extra second or 2 to put the cane in his mouth. That little move cost him, as he reaches the top in 15 seconds. Buh-bye. The ladies get some eye candy as he takes his walk of shame robeless.

Darlene gets the last crack at this, and doesn’t think she’ll have a problem since she’s in the water 5 or 6 days a week. She makes it down to the bottom and gets a little help from the cane, it apparently came loose and was floating right near the hole. On her way back to the top she gets lost and can’t find the hole, which proves to be costly as she finishes in 16 seconds. Angrily, she slams the goggles down and curses in a sort of mini tantrum, as Joe congratulates Myles. I bet she really hates men now.

To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com