Crazy, but that’s how it goes…
This week’s show kicks off with the royal family scattered – Ozzy is on tour, Kelly is off recording her album, and Sharon and Jack are staying at the Malibu home. Speaking of Malibu, Jack thinks it would be a good idea to take up surfing. One small problem though, he doesn’t like carrying the f***ing board. Yep, my thoughts exactly, that damn board just ruins the whole thing.

In a bit of a downer, Sharon tells us that on a recent trip to the doctor’s office some internal bleeding was found. It turns out to be colon cancer. Wait, what show am I watching? But, being the strong woman that she is, says that she can deal with it. She even goes on to joke about friends asking her how her ass**** is doing. We get a shot of her on the beach with some of the dogs, and one of them is pooping. Ah, back to normal. We even see some footage from her check-up, and see that she’s disappointed with the doctor for not wanting to see her boobs. Business as usual.

Ozzy is having a hard time dealing with this news while on tour, and is “self medicating”. Some guy named Robert (who will be known as SGNR from now on) is brought in to help Ozzy cope. While they sit and chat, we find out that SGNR is the only person in the universe that doesn’t know the Ozzy/bat story. Where’d they find this guy? He also sets out to get the Prince of Darkness into yoga and spirituality. Yeah, good luck Skippy. They sit on the tour bus, and SGNR reads a few lines from some sort of self-help book, “What the f*** was that all about? Hahahaha”, Ozzy says after sitting through the reading, stone faced like a statue.

Back at the beach, surfer Jack promptly gets flipped off by a beach bunny and decides to hit the water. Literally. He and his buddies feel that a pier is “mocking” them, and think that the best way to handle it is to jump/dive off of it. That’ll teach it. Jack takes his turn and hits the water hard, breaking his elbow. Much to his dismay, not a single Baywatch babe comes to his rescue. Instead, he gets some old guy with curly blond hair to treat his injury and take him to see the doctor. His friends and I take this opportunity to laugh at him.

When the tour stops in New York, Ozzy drops in to see Kelly. While sitting at breakfast, her cell phone rings and it almost gives Oz a coronary. “The most obnoxious f***ing ring” he says as he shields his face with his hands, hoping that will protect him from the dreaded Popeye themed ring,
Ozzy: Was that another boyfriend?
Kelly: I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t want a boyfriend.
Ozzy: Well, I hope you don’t want a f***ing girlfriend. Hahaha, I’m only joking…I hope.
Kelly: Dad! (she throws a bottle cap hitting him right between the eyes)
Ozzy: Ok, I won’t joke anymore. You should play f***ing darts

There’s a short break in the tour, and Ozzy gets to go home for 3 days. He mumbles something to Jack as they approach the door, and is greeted by Sharon and a few assorted animals. As they make their way to the living room, they notice that the fire is burning a little higher than it should. Oz thinks it would be a good idea to use a broom handle to manage the fire. A wooden broom handle. As smoke starts to billow out and char the front of the mantle, Sharon suggests calling the “fire brigade”. Jack thinks that calling the “fire brigade” is stupid and f***ing dramatic. I can just imagine a ladder truck pulling up, dogs going crazy, and battle clad fireman running through the house dragging a hose towards the fireplace. Just like Rescue 911. Fire Marshal Ozzy is able to put the fire out by dumping pans of water on it, and complains that he almost burnt his leg on “those bastard f***ing candles”. Sharon apologizes and says that she just wanted to make things nice for him when he got home. He replies with “You’re gonna burn the f***ing place down Hahahaha”. With everything under control, they call it a night and Ozzy leaves us with these fine words: “Good night sheep shaggers, wherever you may be”.

During breakfast the next morning, Ozzy is trying to teach the pet bird to talk:
Ozzy: f*** you, f*** you
Bird: squawk
Ozzy: f*** you
It’s now feeding time for the bird, and Oz makes an attempt at hand feeding. As he reaches in, the bird opens its mouth and starts to shake. “This bird’s gone into a f***ing seizure. I’ve got an alcoholic f***ing bird, man”, he claims. The feeding is not going smoothly and the bird starts to freak out, “ok, ok”, says Oz, “I’m sorry, don’t hurt Ozzy. I won’t curse anymore”. Now, in what is the funniest moment of this episode, he decides to play the role of mama bird. He puts the food in his mouth, picks the bird up and out of the cage, and puts its head into his mouth. Just like the old days, but luckily, this one is spared.

Well, it’s time for Ozzy to get back to the tour, and he gets a group hug from Sharon, Jack, and one of the dogs. The show closes out with Ozzy on stage dedicating the song “Mama I’m Coming Home” to Sharon, and her sitting on the couch back at home telling us that she’s “not ready to croak yet, and definitely not with a wig on”. Bless you Sharon.

Profanity count: 48
Poop count: 1

Next week: Ozzy readies himself for the next “Survivor” by practicing his beach fire making skills, cursing the incoming tide, and warming his ass by the fire.

To contact the author, send mail to