It’s time once again for Hollywood’s version of “What Will You Do For Money”. You know the deal – 3 men, 3 women, 3 stunts, 50 grand for the last one standing. OK, let’s meet this weeks contestants/victims:

Summer Papania – Apartment Manager from Port Arthur, Texas. She’s a big fan of the show… and she has big boobs.

Johnny Sullivan – Forklift Operator from Martinsburg, West Virginia. (Hmmm West Virginia…I’m sure there’s a joke there somewhere) He has a “hey everybody notice me” spiked Mohawk. Didn’t those go out in the 80’s?

Erica Martin – Business Analyst from Livermore, California. She says that she has never done anything crazy. Does she know what show she applied for?

Eddie Blackwell – Software Engineer from Austin, Texas. He claims to have an animal in side him. Hey, whatever floats your boat Mr. Blackwell.

CJ Lee – Law Student from Torrance, California. Born in Korea, CJ moved here when she was 9. She lets us know that she can be a princess, or can kick ass.

Steve Ross – Insurance Salesman from Chesterfield, Missouri. The last thing he wants to do is look like a loser. Well, he certainly came to the right place.

The gang arrives in a warehouse to find host Joe Rogan, who welcomes them and goes over the rules. He directs their attention to their first stunt:

The Houdini Challenge
The contestants are placed in a clear cylinder as 1000 gallons of water are pumped in. They are given 4 keys, only 2 of which open the 2 locks on the hatch at the top. If any of them fail to open both locks, they are eliminated (or dead). If they all manage to escape, then the man and woman with the slowest times are sent on their merry way.

Eddie kicks things off. He says that he’s “a’ight”, and begins to talk a little smack. Everyone gets to see how tough he is when he takes his shirt off to reveal his fraternity “brands”. Yep, the same kind of brand that they use on cows. “I feel like Spiderman all up in dis piece”, he says as he’s lowered into the tank, “I’m a man-man, I’m not a feminine-man, I’m a man-man. I’m gonna handle my business, do what I gotta do, and stick to my word”. Ok…ah…word yo. The clock starts as soon as the water begins to flood the tank. Eddie, still feeling like Spiderman, tries to scale the inside of the tube to no avail. So much for Spidey, as he now becomes Aquaman and lets the water bring him closer. Erica tells him not to worry about the “shrinkage”, guess we know what’s on her mind. The cylinder completely fills, and he is still on lock #1. Eddie hangs in for a few seconds, but gives up at 1:57. Our superhomie is the first to take the walk of shame, but not before a few parting shots. He doesn’t want to offer any help, doesn’t think anyone will make it, but does think that Summer’s t**’s will help her up. I heard dat, boyeeeeeeee!

As Steve gets into the harness, Joe walks over to the other contestants for a little chat, and asks Erica if her tattoo is for luck. She has a 3 leaf clover on her arm. I guess we know what kind of luck she’ll be having. Joe asks Johnny if he has any, and Johnny say no. One would think that with hair like a rooster and a spiked dog collar that this guy would have some ink. But, he goes one better. He has a nipple ring that resembles some sort of ninja throwing star.

Steve’s ready to go, and the water starts coming in. He makes his way up to the first lock, but is having trouble. He waits a little too long to take his last breath and takes in some water. He manages a few seconds underwater, and then quickly calls it off. They don’t even bother to show his time. (Probably because he didn’t say or do anything remotely interesting or memorable) See ya Steve, we hardly knew you.

Rooster boy finishes out the guys and says that he’d spend the money on women and booze if he wins. I guess he’s not that different after all. He’s lucky enough to open the first lock with the first key he tried, but has trouble with lock #2. Water fills the tank, and he’s able to open the other lock after going through all 4 keys. He finishes in 1:53, but it doesn’t matter since he’s the only guy to complete this stunt, he moves on to round 2.

Woohoo, it’s swim suit time for the ladies! CJ’s up first (and is wearing a skimpy, blue, floral print 2 piece). She has some trouble with lock #1, but unlocks it before the tank is full. She unlocks lock #2 on her first try and is out before even getting her hair wet. She finishes in 1:42

Summer is next (yay), and Joe has a few questions.
Joe: Do you do any sports?
Summer: I have.
Joe: Any swimming?
Summer: Laying out.
Laying out? Hey, it works for me! She takes off her shirt to reveal her built-in advantage (as she spills out of a lovely pink 2 piece), and Johnny comments that she’s “top heavy”. With the help of her personal “floaties”, she too is able to open both locks without getting her hair wet (damn). She finishes a second behind CJ at 1:43, and says that Erica “has big shoes to fill”. Yeah, that ain’t the only big thing.

Erica (wearing a beautiful blue 2 piece) says that Summer bugs her and is too obnoxious. What she really meant was “those are fake”. She has all sorts of trouble with the first lock, and gives up when the water level reaches her nose. Maybe she didn’t want to get her hair wet, maybe she should put another leaf on her clover. “Don’t forget to write” Johnny says as she takes the walk of shame.

The Yolk’s on You
The contestants must consume a raw ostrich egg. Each 3 pound egg contains enough yolk and membrane to feed 10 people. Cheers! I hope they’re hungry.

CJ is lucky contestant #1, after taking a shot in the head from an ostrich in the pen behind her. “I’m Korean, I can eat anything” she says as she happily downs the super-sized protein boost. It almost comes back up near the end, but she manages to polish it off and keep it down. Ahh, what a li’l trooper, on to the finals.

Johnny Rotten blesses himself before he takes the glass from Joe, and is shaking already. About halfway through he starts belching, and grosses Joe out with a bit of backwash. We get more belching and shots of egg hanging from his mouth, but he finishes and is also able to keep with him.

With a plop from the giant egg, it’s bottom’s up for Summer. She struggles right away and is having a hard time keeping it down. Her face contorts, and she loses a little as she holds her nose and gags (heh heh). She says that this will traumatize her for life, so it looks like pancakes and waffles for breakfast from now on. With her eyes watering she manages to down the last of it. Off to the finals.

In the back of a truck, on the way to the final stunt, CJ shares this tidbit: “Summer is the underdog, I’m going to keep her closer”. Man, I’d pay good money to see that.

Round Suspended Rotating Platform Thingy
The contestants must take a flag from the center, clip it to a pole at the end of a platform at each quadrant, and make it back to the center of the circle. If someone falls, they are eliminated. The person with that fastest time wins. Oh yeah, it’s 100 feet above the ground.

Johnny goes first, and…goes…very…slowly. After taking his sweet old time, and almost falling, he finishes in 1:41. But, he doesn’t think the girls have a chance. He again states that Summer is “top heavy”. Good observation, dude.

Summer has a little trouble clipping the first flag, and after getting it, flies through the other 3. Her heavy top kept her stable, and she finishes in 1:13. She bounces to the top spot, and Johnny is sent on his way. He blames the loss on not having his Mohawk.

Before putting on the harness, CJ informs us (while doing the pee-pee dance) that she’s going to win the 50 grand. She’s got 2 at 30 seconds, and is well on her way to the prize. She gets to #4 at 1 minute, but has some difficulty with the clips. A little dizzy, she stumbles back to the center in 1:14. A wise man once said “talk sh*t AFTER you win”. She lost out on 50 large by 1 second…hahahaha!

Back on the ground, Joe tells Summer the good news. She jumps for joy (much to my delight, I’ll have to rewind this a few times), and jumps right into Joe’s arms. Lucky guy.
Since she doesn’t need implants, I wonder what she’ll spend the money on?

Next week: Special Christmas episode with MORE BIKINIS, and reindeer nads. Boy, I can hardly wait!

To contact the author, send mail to