The Osbournes - Season 2, Episode 1

F#*% Raymond, everybody loves the Osbournes! We kick off season #2 with their version of “Wild Kingdom”, as we see the pack frolicking in the yard. Oh yeah, the dogs are there too, eating plants, and making noise. You know what’s coming, don’t you? But, instead of the usual dung heap we’ve come to know and love, Lola the bulldog decides to throw us all a curve by using her other end to blow chunks in a corner of the yard. Heh, those wacky animals.

We are now treated to an exclusive, as Ozzy gives us a quick look at his new career – knife thrower. I guess the Ozzman is sick of the whole music thing, or he just watched a Penn & Teller special. Hey, you’re never too old to learn, right? I think it’s safe to say that his future assistants don’t have to worry about stab wounds, but they should be concerned with concussions. He didn’t get a single knife to stick, but I give him an A for effort, he never gave up. He even manages to scare off daughter Kelly, who is a bit too close to the flying metal. Maybe it would’ve helped if he used pointy knives instead of butter knives. But hey, what do I know, I’m not the Prince of Darkness.

Ozzy lets us in on the big news of the day, a road trip to Washington. The family is flying out to our nation’s capital for a White House dinner with President “Preston”. Well, I think that’s what he said. He is a little nervous, and doesn’t quite know how to handle it. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to scratch his ass or not.

This season’s first look at Jack finds him preparing for chemical warfare by putting on a gas mask and army helmet. The sound of gunfire erupts as we find out that he is…just playing a video game? WTF? Oh, I see, he was just getting into character. Such a creative boy.

Big news of the day #2: Kelly is performing her version of Papa Don’t Preach live at the MTV Music Awards. The family is so excited. To help celebrate, Ozzy attempts to dance with her in the kitchen with the song blaring in the background. This diva in the making adds to the fun by screaming like a banshee.

Off in another room, Jack celebrates by violating a drum set. Hey kid, don’t quit your day job. You’d think that with all of the access to musicians, that this kid could get a few lessons. He goes on to tell us that he had a lot to do with her getting signed, but she doesn’t like to mention it. She also has a problem with his suggestion of a female drummer for her band. She doesn’t want a “chick” band. Jack says she’s being sexualist. Yes, he said sexualist. Twice.

As Ozzy and Sharon make their way to the White House, a few questions come up:
Sharon: What’s that tower?
Female voice: That’s the Washington Monument.
Sharon: What goes on there?
Female voice: Nothing, it’s just a monument.
Sharon: What is this?
Ozzy: It’s a fort. What is that?
Female voice: The Lincoln Memorial

Cut to Kelly’s rehearsal, where she steals Jack’s spray bottle and goes on to harass him with it. Jack takes offence to her spraying his Prada jacket. “I’ll wipe my ass with your Prada jacket”, she says, and he returns the volley with “I’ll wipe my ass with your face”. Cute kids. Jack is up for some hijinks, and tries to get into Sarah Michelle Gellar’s dressing room, but the door’s locked. With his mission thwarted, he moves on to plan B. He takes the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts it in front of her door. Hahaha, that crazy Jack. Um…ok.

Sharon and Ozzy are at the hotel getting ready for the big event, when dog poop makes it’s first appearance of the season. Sharon thinks he looks like Harrison Ford, he thinks he looks more like Glen Close. He may be right. They go back and forth until Ozzy drops a C-bomb and the room goes quiet. He apologizes, and then we get the Osbourne tip of the day: “I find that you can say anything to a woman, but you mention that word and you get this feeling of…death come over you, you know?” Last year condoms, this year the C-word - educational television at it’s finest.

After Ozzy instructs the hairdresser to not make him look like Cher, special guest star Greta van Susteren arrives to accompany them to the dinner. Apparently there’s some sort of friendship between the attorney/legal analyst and the Osbournes. Uh, small world I guess.

At the event, they mingle with the other guests and pose for pictures. Some of the guests include Dr. Ruth, Connie Chung, and Harrison Ford himself! Oh how will they tell these two apart? Ozzy even manages to get in an “f#*% you” to one of the reporters that asks if he ever thought about running for office. Hmmm, Ozzy for President? I like it. It’s sure to get that coveted Metalhead demographic, right? That might even make me get off my lazy ass and vote.

As President Bush is making his welcome speech, he mentions Ozzy by name. This prompts Ozzy to jump up and try and start “the wave”. Um…Oz, this is not a baseball game. There is no wave in the White House. Ever. On the way home, he comments that this is the best day of his life. Man, so much for sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. I guess being a Rock star ain’t all it’s made up to be, there goes my dream.

It’s Kelly’s big day at the MTV awards, and the gang arrives minus Ozzy (for some unexplained reason). Jack feels the need to tell a reporter that he had a lot to do with her getting signed, and then sets out on his next mission: to find Natalie Portman. Like a fanboy, he stalks the backstage area with his video camera hoping to get a look at her. I can’t say that I blame him, she is quite easy on the eyes. Operation: Find Natalie is a success, according to Jack, as she walks past him without even acknowledging his existence. “We had a moment”, says Jack, “she has an amazing ass”. Hang in there little fella, you’ll wear her down soon enough.

While looking for his seat, Jack gets a major score, and is allowed to sit on Natalie’s lap. See kid, I told you she’d come around. Ozzy sends a video welcome from home, introducing his diva/daughter to the crowd. As Kelly makes her way down the stairs, I’m reminded of the movie “Rock Star” when Marky Mark takes a header at his first gig. Well, I got my hopes up for nothing, as the performance goes on without a hitch (unless you count the F-bomb she drops when she hits the stage).

On the ride home, Jack seems to have a change of heart. The object of his desire shifts from the lovely Natalie Portman to the return of McDonald’s “McRib” sandwich. So Senator Padmé Amidala loses out to a sandwich? Oh Jack, you were making such progress. As Kelly makes fun of his latest crush, he attributes it to her being jealous of his good looks and her inability to appreciate the smaller things in life. Whatever floats your boat buddy.

The show closes out with Kelly on her way to New York to finish up her album. Before she leaves, we get another shot of dog poop, and her complaining about luggage. We then get to see Jack demonstrating the latest security feature at the house. The popularity of the show has caused fans to stand in the driveway to try and get a look at the family of darkness. To combat this, sprinklers were installed in the front gate. They seem to work well on the nosy female fans, but the psycho males think it’s part of the show and scream “OZZY” as they get drenched. Ah, what fun. Mr. Rodgers has NOTHING on this neighborhood.

Profanity count: 28
Poop count: 2
*bonus points for projectile vomiting

Come back next week as Sharon’s cancer is revealed, Jack breaks his arm jumping off a pier, and Ozzy and Sharon attempt to burn down the house. Same bat time, same bat channel.

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