With the rice noodles strewn to the four corners of the cave, the final chicken subjected to the crack and flap and Magilla and his klepto family stealing the last of the bananas.

Magilla - We had to feed baby Winona.

It was decided last week that the tribe no longer had any formal use for Ken.
His Casey Kasem style run down of who has pissed where and how often is now a distant memory and we are left to wonder why exactly he was under the boardwalk at Coney Island in the first place.

Day 28

Ted, you’re still here big guy, don’t look so worried.
Ted got the three Sook Jai votes at TC last week and he’s taking it like the biggest blow since Brian first met CC.
He is still furiously trying to piece together why the Sook’s voted for him long after Jake has told him why.

Jake Clay said you would probably be able to grind out a few immunity wins, particularly if the challenges involved getting “all up on something” or “doing something like that”.
I tried to tell my tribe he was talking in code, but Penny had been brushing her teeth for an hour and a half and still wasn’t done so she was too busy to listen.
Ken was lying as close as he could to the piss patches complaining about the smell.

Unconvinced, Ted shakes his head and tells Jake his pants are on fire.

Having lulled the other tribe members into a deep comatose state with her rhythmic recipe chanting, Helen has now managed to convince Ted the correct name for the opposing tribe is “Soup Jai”. His confessional speaks of the standard “big man excuse” ,the Soup Jai’s were intimidated by him.
More likely just scared for their asses Ted. They’re all so skinny, three minutes on any of them and you’d be hitting pelvis.

Having decided to keep their talk just between the two of them Ted sprints off to tell Brian and Clay all about it.

The Old Switcheroo.

I’m sure we have all tried to squeeze a source for confirmation of something we’ve heard at one time or another.
One of the most satisfying methods is the “Switcheroo”.
You know something about someone, tell them what you know and stand back waiting for them to deny it. When they do so you pull the switch, tell them you knew all along and they are total liars. This plan has the dual properties of exposing their evil ways and making you look vastly superior.
An all-round winner.

So, when Ted “confronts” Brian and Clay with Jakes allegations I expect to see the switch coming.
Uh – nothing.
There follows a conversation between the three of them, which is basically a denial of everything Jake said.
Comments from the glossary below were sprinkled liberally throughout, while Clay as usual lay on the floor of the cave.

Survivor Glossary of terms.

Snake – Someone unwilling to just give up and allow themselves to be voted out of the game (as defined by Ted)
Girls – Saggy bottomed or gun toting women of ages in excess of 45 years (as defined by Brian)
Soup – broth of vegetable, meat or poultry base often with added meat and vegetables (as defined by most people)
Soup – the first part of the tribal name of Sook Jai (as defined by Helen and adopted by Ted)
"True to Ted "– Tell Ted he is in an alliance to the end with you then persuade people to vote against him (as defined by Clay and practiced by Brian)
"Playing both sides of the fence' – what Jake does when he votes for Ted then tries to suck up to him the following morning and not what Brian does by making “to the end” pacts with both Ted and Clay (as defined by Brian)

For background information:
Diamond in the rough – Someone who can almost always be seen in a horizontal position (as defined by Clay)

It really is about time the starving Survivors talked about food.
Clay starts the ball rolling by telling us the tide has been so high for so many days the closest they have come to catching a crab was when they watched Brian’s video.

Burnett subjects up to more shots of the skin and bone Survivors in an effort to appear as a benevolent, although omnipotent overlord, when the next Reward Challenge is shown to have a food element.

Reward Challenge

No treemail? Uh ok then.
Off to meet Jiff, although God knows how they knew to go.
He explains that the reward challenge is a four-stage obstacle course, the first stage of which will be run in pairs. Huh? There’s seven Survivor’s left.
Obviously the humiliation that Erin felt at being the last person picked during tribe selection was a ratings grabber. Burnett decides to go a whole leap further by having someone flail around on the starting line searching for a partner.
This week’s lucky contestant is Jake, and he doesn’t disappoint.
Whereas many a lesser competitor would have realized they’d been frozen out and merely gone and sat down, Jake actually starts to run the race, hands out, palms up, “what the f*#k?” expression on his face.
The teams are Ted and Penny, Brian and Clay and Jan and Helen.
So Ted, how’s that “partnership til the end” thing you’ve got going with Brian working out for yah?
The first part of the race requires the contestants to cross six towers using two planks.
Obviously Brian’s team makes it to the end first courtesy of his extra wood.
Skup falling into the fire = drama.
Jan falling off a tower and snapping a hip = uh, well not drama.
Jiff tells them they have to go back to the start.
Sadly not the entire start if the race so we don’t get to see Jake’s big “huh?” moment again.
Penny and Ted join Brian and Clay in the second section “Belly crawl”.
This basically involved crawling under a low bamboo structure on your stomach.
Penny is eliminated for trying to ensure her tube top buff didn’t roll down.
Stage 3 – The Wall.
Oh goody, another chance to humiliate someone.
Scale the wall, but you must do it with the help of another contestant.
First two over the wall win.
On Jiff’s “go” they all run to the wall and both Ted and Brian give Clay an assisted boost over the top.
The task now falls to Clay to determine which of the guys he will help over.
After several seconds of suspenseful hanging, during which Ted is in danger of pulling him back over the wall, he selects Brian. There is no way in hell Clay is heaving Brian over the wall by himself and to his credit Ted grabs a cheek in each hand and pops him over in no time. He’s all about the ass isn’t he?
He slumps back to his seat muttering something about being able to get over the wall all on his own. You probably could Ted, but that wasn’t the game was it?
If you were allowed to get over the wall under your own steam Brian would have simply pole-vaulted.
So anyway Ted, about that “to the end” pact you have with Brian….

Final stage the bamboo beam.
First to the end of the bamboo beam course wins the reward – obviously.
The cameraman treat us to many dizzying “up the short” shots of the two competitors.
The video from home last week was bad enough for Brian – too much information.
Has Ted uncovered Brian porn past? Is he reciting lines from one of his early flicks or it is simply a coincidence that Ted decides to encourage Brian along with “do not quit, suck it up baby, suck it up”?
Brian recovers composure and duly wins.
Jiff explains that a boat will collect him in the morning to take him on an elephant trek after which there will be a Thai feast.
I strongly doubt Brian was thinking he had to foot the bill for the reward, but just in case he was, Jiff hands him the “Visa Baybeeeeeeee”.
As we have come to expect Jiff tells Brian he can take a companion with him.
He selects Clay.
So, uh Ted, what exactly were the details of that pact “to the end”?

Day 29

The day of the reward.
Clay and Brian wait patiently for the boat to come and collect them for their special day out. Clay has chosen to wear his best yellow, cut-off sleeve t-shirt while Brian breaks every fashion rule by going topless.
They climb in the boat to the sound of best wishes from their tribe mates.
Rather than a swift punch on the nose, Clay’s shout that his “date has a nice ass” produces a warm embrace from Brian – peculiar.
After a short boat ride they are secured into a waiting helicopter and fly to their trek.
A Thai lady greets them with two glasses of juice – she doesn’t turn round so Clay’s suspicion that she has a nice ass cannot be confirmed.
Brian hands over the Visa and they are led to their elephant.
For the first time Brian comes close to losing his cool. In stark contrast to Clay who seems very comfortable, Brian doesn’t look at all at home on top of the elephant.
Clay is so much at ease he takes time to look round at the elephant.
His verdict – “nice ass”.
They predict that Jake the snake is working the Chuay’s back at camp.
He is.
He has decided to risk an outing to the water hole with the Human Cook Book.
In a pre-emptive strike, Brian and Clay had already told Helen to look out for “the snake”.

Jake - We need to get rid of Clay.
Helen - Dammit, I knew I should have bought my gun.
Jake - I was really just thinking of voting him off Helen.

We cut back to our reward challenge winners just as the feast is about to begin.
The site of the food leads to a somewhat gushing confessional from Clay.

Clay I have never felt this way about food before.

Hmm, perhaps that’s why your restaurant went bankrupt Clay.

Clay This is the best food I’d had in 30 years.

Hmm, perhaps that’s why your restaurant went bankrupt Clay.

Clay I forgot food was supposed to have a taste.

Uh Clay, that probably reallyis why your restaurant went bankrupt.

He does make the smart tactical move of bringing all the uneaten food and beer back to the cave.

They return to find the rest of the tribe poking around in the water with sticks.
They are apparently waiting for their masters to return to the Kingdom.
Yes, Brian has started up with the “King” stuff again.
Only this time we find out there is also a “sub ruler” of an enCLAYve of Briana.
Accustomed though he is to sending women into raptures, King Brian still drinks in all the whoops and cheers. Each of the females is beckoned forward to pay homage, but in a bid to retain a family rating the editors cut the scene where he invites them to kiss his ring.
Jan deflects attention from the beer canteen grafted to her hip by asking the guys to tell them all about the day.

Day 30

With only two original Sook Jai members left, Penny has decided that now is a good time to break ties with her only real ally.
I don’t know what it is about Clay, but Penny makes the same decision as Jake did last week and decides her best bet is to try and woo him.
Penny feels very confident with her newly formed partnership because they have a written agreement signed by two witnesses and verified by a notary public.
Uh, you don’t Penny? How do you know Clay will stick to his side of the agreement?
Oh right, you “pinkie swore”. How fricken old are you Penny?
Pinkie swearing is not even legally binding in Thailand.

In the meantime, Clay has come up with a cunning plan.
He’s simply telling everyone he talks to that they’re in the final four.
Brilliant. That’ll work like a charm and keep them all in line.
Hmmm, what happens if they start talking to each other though Clay you genius.
Besides which, why would anyone hand you the power to determine the final four?
We need an S4 moment, when the “also rans” decided they would rather be winners.

Immunity Challenge

Hmmm, no poem again.

By the light of the full moon – it’s still full moon there? It’s been 30 days, Jiff explains the challenge rules.
He’ll ask a series of questions about Thailand, every time you get one right you get to snuff out one of your opponents three torches.
Last person standing with a torch still lit wins immunity.

Now, I know many of us, myself included have not really been fans of Penny.
She gives us good reason to dislike her when she gets the question right and goes straight for one of Jakes torches.
Now I don’t think she is a bitch for doing that, I just think it’s the most ham-fisted attempt at distancing yourself from a prior commitment since Zoë tried to wiggle out of being caught in a lie by Boston Rahb.
Jake, Helen, Brian and Clay finish the round one torch down, Penny with just one torch left.
Only Jan and Jake get the second question right. Jake strides forth and snuffs out another of Clay’s torches. Jan stand in the centre of the circle, snuffer in hand, looking like she’s about to burst into tears until Brian rescues her from the pain of making a decision by performing a huge eye roll motion towards Penny. Forced to obey the wishes of the one true King, Jan snuffs out the final torch and sends Penny to the bench.
Clay joins her soon after, closely followed by Jake.
Helen is eventually declared the winner and rejoices that the she has three more days on the island. The spiky barbs guarantee those nights will be grind free.

There is only time for a brief trip back to camp to collect their belongings before the Survivors have to go to TC. Brian, Clay and Helen whisper that “the snake” has got to go, which means we know he is perfectly safe this week.
At TC Jake makes the bold move of challenging the Chuay’s to vote as they claim they always do and boot whoever they feel has made the least contribution.
When Jiff offers them a “comeback” opportunity no one has the gumption to take him up on it. Jeez even frail old Pappy stood up for himself against Sean.

Jiff reveals that Penny has won a nine-day stay at Loser Lodge.
Although Clay didn’t personally vote for Penny, his assurance that she would make it to the final four does not work out.
If nothing else Penny takes away the valuable knowledge that a “pinky swear” isn’t worth the paper it isn’t written on.